Weight Loss Journey ~ Getting Healthy!

Get a grip

2012-01-26T19:59:00.000-05:00

I just cannot seem to get a grip. I have undone so much of my hard work which makes it that much harder to get back on track. I am so disappointed in myself and that doesnt help either! I have been very honest throughout this entire journey and that isnt going to change. I know that I will get back into my groove. I keep trying and somehow fail day after day. And its such a reminder of the old Jen. Then I feel even worse that I am headed back the direction and cant seem to get a grip!!!!

I talked with the hubs today who has not been off track. He has been been stayed on track despite my train wreck. I told him maybe I dont need the pressure of being on one specific plan. Maybe I just need to eat well and exercise. That sounds so simple right? Right...until I get cravings and hungry. Thats the point where all heck breaks loose with me. When I was doing body for life it was the first time ever in life that I didnt have cravings. If I had hunger it was a growling belly yet no irresistible cravings. And for me thats just what cravings are for me. Irresistible.

Soooo.....

Knowing this, and knowing me maybe the best thing is to pick back up on Body for Life. I really enjoyed the weight lifting and I was starting to see some results in my muscles. But maybe instead of signing myself up for the intensity of being on plan 100%, I can use it more as a guide instead of as a rigid plan. I can still have a free day or maybe even two some weeks. But the rest of the time I can eat the things that fend off the cravings and hunger because that seems to be where my issue lies.

Does anyone have any thoughts?

Oh, and although I havent stepped on the scale I am certain that I back up over the 200 lb mark....which is like 40 lbs more than lowest and 30 lbs less than my highest. This is not a happy place for my body. Its angry actually. Heartburn, sluggish, grumpy, low self esteem...all the things I swore I wold never go back to! I walked past a mirror the other day and couldnt believe what I saw. I remember saying this very same thing after losing the weight!!

But even so, I do know for sure that I will get back down to where I want to be. Or at least close. Because it felt too good. Its mind over matter. I just need to get into the right place to make that change.

It ain't pretty...

2012-01-09T20:27:00.000-05:00

Sometimes the truth ain't pretty. This is one of those times. I have been off my Body for Life plan since my free day on Christmas Day. Its now weeks later and I still cant pull myself together. There is hunger. There are cravings. And there is a scale. A very truth telling scale. I am at 196 lbs. That was is way too close to 200 for comfort for me. I lived way over 200 lbs for years. I dont want to go back. I can see the chubbiness back in my face. I can feel the tiredness. I feel the despair and disappointment. I feel the shame and embarassment.

So....

Why the heck cant I pull it together? When I was doing Body for Life rigidly I had no cravings. No hunger other than occasion hunger growls reminding me to eat. The weight loss was slow. But it was working. I get one fully free day a week to eat whatever it is I please. So what is my issue? There is no excuse. Blah Blah Blah. Get back to it Jen. It felt good. So do it. Period.

I have still been doing the weight workouts but not on the schedule the plan requires. And oddly I have the itch to run outside. It has been oddly warm here in New York state so far this season. And by warm I mean 40* is awesome! There has been minimal snow which is unheard of where I live. I am so excited to have the itch to run. Although I am fully aware that it isnt going to be pretty when I get this heavier than usual body out there to do it.

I have also been thinking about another half marathon. I know I want to do the one next fall which is the same one I did last year. But I want to do another one sooner. So I am looking into that as well. And obviously it is on my mind heavily because I even dreamed about it last night. I dreamed that I was running the half effortlessly and realized at the end that I had finished in an amazing time. For some reason 17 minutes keeping coming to mind. Obviously I cant run a half marathon in 17 minutes. But................................. maybe I can run it in 2 hours and 17 minutes? Sounds like a good goal to me! My last one was at 2 hours and 38 minutes. The odd part of my dream was that much like other half marathon dreams I have had, I had stuff with me that I needed to get rid of so I could run. In other dreams it was my purse that I left with the cafeteria ladies. In this dream it was my coat (which did not resemble any coat I own by the way) that I tucked under a podium. Yup, THE podium that was being used at the awards ceremony after this half marathon I just ran. I was able to get it. But odd, right?

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I have a gift card to Kohls that I got for Christmas that I really want to use! But I wont until my weight is back down into the 170's at least.

Today I am thankful for:
*the plan that the hubs and I just made to get back on track. My meals are planned out for the day tomorrow. Whoo hoo! One step at a time. One meal at at time. One choice at a time.

Day 14 Body for Life & pregnancy comments

2011-12-20T20:02:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we went to look at a few houses. We are most likely going to sell our house and get another maybe with a little more land. So anyway, we go and look at this one house yesterday and there was an elderly lady there. Apparently the great aunt of the owner. No one was supposed to be home according to the realtor. She was apparently expecting us though. So we view the house rather quickly because who wants to look at a house with someone staring at you while you do it, right? We go downstairs and are looking around and I hear her ask my girls(who are downstairs with me and she was still upstairs) "are you having a little brother or sister?". Ummmm........what? Luckily I am pretty close with my realtor. We both give each other a look like, huh? I yelled up to her "neither" and proceeded to look downstairs at the other rooms.

Oddly, I wasnt insulted at all. I dont think I look pregnant. I am 180 something pounds and I had a coat on and a scarf on the outside of my coat. I like my coat. I feel pretty confident that I dont look preggo. She had made a few other comments that were odd while we were there. Then we were getting ready to go and she was saying how she plans to live there forever or something like that. Ummmm....this house is FOR SALE with a sign saying so on the lawn. Does she come with the house?? Anyway, the house was nice but not for us. It was all so odd.

Today is day 14 of the Body for Life challenge and I am still in awe of how I am not having cravings. Today we went to the mall and I sat in the food court and watched everyone else eat. It didnt dawn on me until much later that I wasnt even tempted for anything. I dont know what is going on with this body of mine but I like it!

Today was a cardio day. I was super tired last night and went to bed around 8:00. I woke up several times in the night with an awful headache. It was still there this morning so I decided to hold off on my cardio until later. They recommend it be the first thing you do in the morning but I just couldnt. I dreaded it all day. But I did it and I was so pleased with how far I have come. My progress was evident to me tonight. I had to increase my speed on the treadmill to reach my appropriate levels of intensity.

Tomorrow starts week 3 of Body for life. It is weigh day and a recheck on my body fat % and BMI. Fingers crossed. I have put in the hard work.
Today's reason for losing weight:
*so that when I walk past a mirror the first thing I see is NOT the roll of fat above my jeans.

Today I am thankful for:
*that Christmas Eve or Christmas day fall on a *free* day. I will choose which day as the weekend gets closer.

Day 12-Body for Life

2011-12-18T20:50:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was free day. THE free day I have been waiting for all week. I woke up yesterday with a mixture of excitement and fear. What should I eat? Is it really okay to be eat freely today? I reminded myself its part of the plan and what will make me successful. So I had a few pieces of a donut. The hubs and I had made the plan to go to Denny's on free day. So we went there for lunch. I ordered a grilled ham and cheese sandwich which tasted of oil. It was so oily that I couldnt even enjoy the taste of the fat...hehe. So I picked at it and then traded with the hubs. Where I then picked at his meal and returned what was left. And although I picked at both meals I am sure it was more calories than I had eaten in any given day on plan.

We went to a friends for the rest of the day. We picked up some snacks and such. I had some of this and that and enjoyed it. Overall, for free day I think I did pretty well. I indulged on things I wanted and even had some wine. We woke up this morning and got back on track. There was never any doubt. And I love that.

Today was a cardio day. I hate cardio days. Ironic that I joyfully ran a half marathon and trained for it for months. Yet, these 20 minutes of cardio are so intense that I dread them. It wasnt until almost 7:00 pm that I put the procrastinator in me aside and jumped on the treadmill. I am excited that the cardio sessions do seem to be getting a little easier. What does that mean? I am making progress...and...its time to increase the intensity :(

Today we went out to lunch with my inlaws. I ordered the salad just the way I needed it...grilled chicken without the blue cheese and bacon, and with extra egg. Oh, and dressing on the side. This salad was so good I was sad to see it end. But overall I felt proud that I had made such a healthy choice and that I loved it so much. I will definitely order it again(and probably scrape the plate clean again too :).

Today's reason for losing weight:
*to have energy!

Today I am thankful for:
*I have found some meals that I really love that are on plan and very healthy. I have even discovered how to enjoy some foods I didnt used to care for. I will share them in a later post.

Some tidbits about Body for Life-day 10

2011-12-16T16:51:00.001-05:00

I realized that maybe my last post about only losing 3.5 the first week may have come across snobbish. And that is so far from who I am so I just wanted to take a second to explain. I have been doing this weight loss *thing* for years. About 15 years now. Its only been the last few years I have been successful. Anyway, when I start some sort of weight loss program, whether its WW, Medifast, counting calories, etc, I am used to a typical pattern. The first week I tend to lose big, like 7-10 lbs. Then after that things slow way down. So I guess I expected the same with my Body for Life challenge.

I worked super hard last week. Six days of exercise and a total change in my eating habits. So I was hoping, and expecting, a bigger number as I have had in the past. But this isnt the Biggest Loser. This is real life. In the grand scheme of things I think 3.5 lbs is awesome. I think part of my frustration is that I am up 30 lbs and having to redo my hard work to relose this weight is annoying. Its no ones fault but my own.

And lets talk about the hubs for a second. He is following the same plan with a little variation as he doesnt eat veggies :( Anyway, he was down 8 lbs last week which added to my disappointment about my 3.5 lbs. But, the pity party is over now.

I have had some huge changes in the past 10 days. I thought I would share. Some amazing things (to me) about the Body for Life plan:

1) I am having very few cravings, if any at all. The book said it would happen but I guess I didnt believe it. When/if my tummy growls at me it is a much different feeling than it used to be. It is now more of a "okay, time to eat" instead of a "ahhh, what kind of yummy fattening sweet or fried food can I eat to please this growling tummy?". I eat for nutrition, not because I am super excited about it like I used to be. That is a huge change for me. I usually love food!!!

2) I have learned that I love my weight workouts. Having a structured plan is right up my alley. I love the burn I feel when my muscles are working. On the flip side, I have also learned already to dread my cardio sessions. Which is odd because they are only 20 minutes. I ran a half marathon in October. Over two hours of running. And I dread 20 minutes of cardio 3 times a week?? Thats because Body for Life gives you an insity schedule to follow. The plan really pushes the intensity factor. Pretty much their theory is that is that they are only asking you to do 20 minutes so please do your absolute best. Makes sense, as dreadful as it is.

3) I am learning that I might have an allergy or sensitivity to either wheat or the Omega 3 vitamins I am taking. At age 32 I am apparently getting a bunch of allergies or sensitivies, including my cats that I have had for over 10 years. Odd right?

4) Free day. Ahhhhh free day. Although there has been only one so far I have learned that this is my saving grace on this plan. Knowing that I have a free day makes me do my best on the other 6 days. It takes the deprived feeling away. If I want something I know I can have it on free day. And I love that free day is totally allowed and a part of the plan! Tomorrow is free day!

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I tried some pants on my closet that dont fit. And my friend Laura gave me some other size 12's. Same thing. I cant wait to see them fit eventually!

Today I am thankful for:
*free day tomorrow!

Day 9 Body for Life and Week 1 results

2011-12-15T08:17:00.000-05:00

My week one results are okay, but I would have liked to have done better. But hey, I am glad I lost. I am just used to week one losses being larger. Plus its that time of the month for me and I feel so huge and bloated. I drank a ton of water yesterday and it didn’t seem like much came out... so I am hoping I am just retaining and next week will be better.

I have also realized that I have been eating too much. My portions are bigger than they are supposed to be I think. This plan is not cut and dry as far as serving size. A protein serving is the size of your open palm, width of a deck of cards. Um, does this include just your palm or fingers too? These are things a girl who loves food needs to know! Carbohydrate servings are the size of your closed fist. But some info I found said 1 cup for liquid but most serving sizes are 1/2 cup so I dont know. This week I am going with a little less and I will see what happens.

Starting weight: 190.6

Today’s weight: 187.2

Loss: 3.4 lbs

Starting body fat %- 38.6%

Today’s- 38.2%

Loss: .4%

Starting BMI: 32.6

Todays BMI: 32.2

Loss: .4

The hubs and I did upper body last night. I pushed myself. It felt great. I love working out with the hubs. Even though we are doing our own thing its so nice to have him there.

Today's reason for losing weight:

*being able to walk into a store and pick something off the rack and know it will fit.

Today I am thankful for:

*most of my gift wrapping is done.

Day 7 of 84-Week one complete

2011-12-13T19:07:00.000-05:00

Again, another day of sweet comments on yesterdays post. I just love you guys!

Today is day 7 of 84 for my Body for Life challenge. My weight training and aerobic exercise has been spot on. I have followed the daily training guide and completed all the exercises I chose for myself. I always have to wonder if I can push more though. And now that the wonders of week one are done, I will try to push my body harder next week.

As for eating, I think the same thing as with my weight training. I ate six meals every day but I am thinking that my portion sizes might be too large. Tomorrow is weigh in day so I guess I will find out sooner than later! To my surprise I havent had many cravings this past week. My husband said the same. And, for both of us that is odd. We love yummy sugary foods. I was hungry a few times and added some cheese here and there with my meals. But overall my appetite seems to be in check as the week progressed. So next week I will focus more on portion sizes. I also could have been better about my veggies. Some spinach on a turkey wrap is probably not enough.

I tried some new things this week. Brown rice being one of them. It was kinda boring. Blah... I am sure used to fries or something full of carbs but little protein. I have learned a lot this week about protein and carbs and how they should be paired together when eating. I am shocked by how few temptations I have had, for just about anything. If there is something I want then thats fine. I know that I can have it on "free day" come Saturday.

Free day has got me thinking. If I am going to have free day (and surely make the most of it) then I owe it to myself to make the very best effort to eat the proper portion sizes all the rest of the week. I am telling you that knowing that I have that free day is my saving grace. Its a day of no limits and just knowing that it will roll around again makes me more successful the days that I have restrictions. Does that make sense? And the more people I talk to, and the more I read about the program, people tell me to really allow myself that free day. Like to the fullest. Without guilt. And the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Its the treat for my super hard work for the other six days. That free day is what will keep me on plan the other six days, and hopefully make me successful. I wish I had made more of free day this past Saturday. This Saturday I already have a mental list of what things I want to eat. The hubs too apparently. I was telling him that I wanted something on free day and he said he wants wheat thins on his day. Apparently he has a mental list too :) These foods on my mental list arent things I am craving but just things that I want to treat myself to. I also heard that free day is what tricks your body from being bored and keeps your metabolism from slowing. Even better.

Weigh day is tomorrow. I will also check my body fat % and BMI weekly. Fingers crossed. Tomorrow starts a new week. 1/12 of the challenge complete.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*so my boobs will get smaller. Even the hubs hopes so... They are rather obnoxious.

Today I am thankful for:
*that I am choosing to make improvents in my efforts instead of giving up.

Day 6 of 84-Body for Life

2011-12-12T20:32:00.002-05:00

I only had three comments on yesterdays post but those comments were the kindest, most meaningful comments. I think it goes unsaid most of the time just how much the support of others plays in our success. So I want to really express my gratitude to those of you who follow and also to those who comment. Its like when a stranger is kind to you, or someone smiles or says hello as they pass by. Its little things like these that make a persons day. I always try to go out of my way and be kind when I can. Sometimes I sign my hubby up for kindness too, although, he's not always as thrilled as I am...hehe. The other day I was at Kohl's which is quite a coupony kind of store. Who doesnt love to save 20% right? The lady in front of me was older and writing her check out. The cashier asked if she had any coupons and then seemed shocked when the lady said she didnt. Well, me being the frequent Kohls shopper I am knew that she could use mine and then I would get it right back. So I handed it to the cashier and told her to use mine. The lady was so taken back and clearly touched that I had done this. She turned to me and said "Merry Christmas to you" in the most stunned yet kind way.   If something that little made her day then I was happy to help. I love random acts of kindness, both doing and being on the receiving end :)

That was a bit of a ramble. But hey. Thats me. Today was a lower body weight day. I love weight lifting more than I thought I ever would. Maybe its because there is a plan to follow and the confusion is taken out of it. Maybe its because I can feel the muscles working and just knowing I am on my way to success. Maybe its the quality time with the hubs. Although the kids were less than cooperative today. Whatever the reason, I like it and havent even seen any results yet. Hopefully the results will make it even better! Tomorrow is cardio. Its only 20 minutes but the idea is to make it as intense as possible. I dread it for some reason. I shouldnt because that is what is going to burn the fat off my body.

While we were working out today I wondered if the dumbbells were the proper weights for me. I wondered if other women doing the program started with more or less. Its still a learning lesson. But what isnt right?

Today I convinced the hubs that he needed before pics taken as well. He was unsure about it at first but I made it clear that our pics are for him and I only. I take this very seriously and before pics are no joking (or bribing...hehe) matter. He must have sensed my seriousness because before I knew it he was asking what he should wear.   I am so happy to be on this journey with him...even though is has literally HALF the body fat % as me...

For those of you who asked about the body fat % thingy. I totally recommend that you get one. I got mine brand new on ebay for $30. Its so exciting to be able to measure success in another way besides the scale. The hubs has been doing it daily and has already lost body fat. I am not going to do it very often.   I havent decided yet what my personal protocol will be for both weighing on the scale and the handheld body fat % thingy.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I cant wait to go shopping and be excited about it again!

Today I am thankful for:
*this blog and the support it provides. I have "met" such nice people.

Day 5 of 84

2011-12-11T21:04:00.001-05:00

I decided after much thought that I was going to take before and after pics for my Body for Life 12 week challenge. I know lots of people say they dont have the guts to do it. And I am surprised I was brave enough to do it myself. And actually, I was even more brave because I had the hubs take them. After putting 30 of my 65 lost lbs back on, I knew I wouldnt be happy with them. But the book highly suggests taking these photos.

But after looking at the transformation of others on the Body for Life website, I found myself going back to look at my pics to see what they actually look like. Does that sound stupid? There is nothing more real than seeing a picture of yourself I guess. And having once been 230-240 pounds, then losing 65, then gaining 30 of that back...I have quite a confused and unsure self perception of my body. I must have gone back and looked at the before pics we took 4 times because I just cant grasp how I "compare" to the other women who took before pics on their Body for Life journey.

After a few trips back to the camera, here is what I came up with(it took all day to come up with this....): There is much room for improvement. Afterall, I am 38.6% body fat :( My midsection is a wreck. I have had 4 abdominal surgeries over the years. It isnt pretty. There is definate cellulite on my legs and my back pictures have more rolls than the Pillsbury dough boy. Yet I noticed I am smiling in all of the pics. Funny right? Despite how much I am able to pick the pictures(myself) apart, there is still a little bit of pride. Because even though I am up 30 lbs from my lowest weight, I am still down 40ish from my highest. And I have to proud of myself for that. And while I dont have physical pictures of me in a bra and underwear at that weight, I know it was much worse than it is now.

I hope to make enough progress that I can get over the embarassment and share the before pictures, along with afters, on here one day. Its things like that that inspire me. And if I can inspire others then all the better.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*to be able to look at my before pics several weeks from now and see that I have come so far! I really hope I can see a big enough difference to keep me motivated!

Today I am thankful for:
*my husband who keeps telling me how proud of me he is to see my determination. I am also thankful for his efforts to be on the plan himself. I never thought it would be something he would be interested in and did not pressure him into doing it. He made the choice on his own, and its great to see his determination too!

38.6% body fat :(

2011-12-10T13:45:00.001-05:00

Today my legs are still sore but nothing like I was yesterday. Whoo hoo! I can actually sit and stand up from sitting without grunting or holding on to something. I worked upper body yesterday and I am little sore today but nothing like my lower body was.

I was out of clothes options today and was forced to wear my size 12 jeans(really I should be in at least a 16 right now). They are snug but not as bad as they were recently. I am so excited to see where this program will take me. I have such hope and faith! Before bed last night I sat down with the computer and did some more research on the Body for Life program. While there are some negative comments as there will be for any given thing in life, I kept my focus on the positive comments to maintain my excitement and enthusiasm about the program.

Today is my "free" eating day. I have chosen Saturdays for free days. I have had this breakfast sandwich from Burger King on my mind for a week now. So I figured I may as well indulge (as recommended) and have it. I made a little mommy daughter time out of it and brought the girls out to breakfast as a treat. We dont do it often. It was nice to be with them, but much to my surprise I was not as hungry as I thought I was, and it wasnt nearly as yummy as I thought it would be. I am still super excited about this. They said it would happen but I didnt believe it. Maybe my body is adjusting to my new clean eating style. Which, by the way, my tummy is quite happy with :) Thats a big deal for someone with a less than kind digestive system.

The girls had a bowling party to go to today. I was so excited that none of the snacks were calling my name. I had a few bites of pizza and a cake pop (they are very little) and there is no interest in eating anything else right now. I am really enjoying this satisfied feeling in my tummy.

I ordered this fat analyzer thingy and it came in the mail yesterday. Its a very accurate way to measure your percentage of body fat. And I really wanted to be able to measure by something other than the scale.

I took it out immediately and checked my stats. Ugh. Disgusted.

38.6% body fat (should be 25-31% for women to be in the acceptable category...lower to be considered fit) I am in the OBESE category. Ummm....38.6 is like almost half. So half of my body is made up of fat. Nice... ugh.

32.6 BMI. (should be less than 25)

I am glad to have this tool to be able to measure my progress. The hubs came in from work and I immediately handed it to him to do his stats. 19%. Men.... (his should be between 15-25%)

Along with this tool I also had the hubs take before pictures on day one of Body for Life. I had on just my bra and underwear. Boy.....if that dont tell the hard truth. If I wasnt so embarassed I would have it printed out at walmart and hang it on the fridge. But I dont dare... Maybe WHEN my results are so awesome I will do it and maybe even share. I hope that comes!!! For now it will sit on my camera.

Day 3: Super Sore

2011-12-09T09:11:00.000-05:00

Today is day 3 of the Body for Life challenge I am choosing to do. I have found the first two days that I am hungry mid afternoon. I need to figure out a plan to combat that hungery. I am hoping that my appetite will adjust as I go. As for the first two days the best thing I could think to do was have an extra protein meal. It has been working, but I really want to follow the program to a T. But its only day 3. We will see how it pans out with time. I wont eat the extra meal unless necessary. And by necessary I mean that its either that or blow the whole thing and eat whatever is in sight.

I was sore yesterday and it got worse as the day went on. Today I woke up and I am even more sore. Like a lot. I am hobbling around and its quite a sight. Now I know why they give you 4 days recovery time before reworking the same muscles. Today its upper body.

I ordered one of those body fat measuring things that they have at the gym. You hold it in your hands and it measures your body fat and such. I hope it comes today. Heres what it looks like.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*to wear jeans and feel good in them.

Today I am thankful for:
*to actually understand this program I am doing.

Day 2 of Body for Life

2011-12-08T13:46:00.000-05:00

I have committed to the Body for Life 12 week challenge. Its no surprise to me that I do well on a structured program. I did well on Medifast a few years back. And I maintained a lot of my loss.   I trained for that half marathon. I believe I was capable of that because there was a structured schedule to follow which led me to success.

Body for Life excites me. It makes sense. It seems to combine what everyone has been attempting to tell me about nutrition and exercise over the years, yet its structured and laid out in a way I understand(something I never thought possible). Six meals a day with a regimented exercise program is good. And a free day once a week.

Yesterday the hubs and I did lower body. I am feeling the results more and more as the day goes on today. I love knowing my work paid off! We did all the exercises with dumbbells and a stability ball. Today was 20 minutes of cardio. Even cardio is laid out in a 20 minute routine explaining where your intensity should peak, regardless of what exercise you choose. Today I did a very inclined walk on the treadmill. I was sweating something fierce. The point is to make your short 20 minutes count. Tomorrow will be upper body.

Right now its all still new. I am learning what weights and exercises work for me, and which foods I like best. For breakfast, I had some egg whites with a piece of turkey bacon on a whole wheat bagel thin...with a tiny bit of cheese. For mid morning snack I had a half a cup of cottage cheese mixed with a fat free yogurt. Much to my surprise I love this combo. For lunch, a whole wheat wrap with grilled chicken and spinach, and just a tad of light dressing to spice it up. And lots of water every day.  About a gallon. I dont have a problem drinking that much.

So here I am on day 2 of 84. I am 1/42 of the way done :)   But truly I expect to come out of this a changed person with changed habits. I have read the book cover to cover and done my share of independent research. It takes a lot for me not to skeptical. I expect the beginning is supposed to be the hardest part. Its something new. The results dont show for a while. It can be hard to stay motivated. Yet, I am still excited.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*Although I have never gotten to my actual goal weight, I have had a taste of being pleased with my results (in the past). I cant wait to walk around with that feeling again.

Today I am thankful for:
*my excitement and confidence that this Body for Life plan is going to change my life. Dramatic? Maybe a little, but hey...its who I am.

Body for Life

2011-12-05T11:36:00.000-05:00

I have been blogging for a while now. So its no secret that when my inlaws are in town that I really struggle to stay on track with my eating. With them come so many goodies and options that I normally do not allow myself. But I am in no way blaming them. Its my choices and decsions to make. And I usually expect that I will give in to all the temptations. Thats my first problem. And that is no ones fault but my own. I am responsible for me. This weekend was not pretty.

I have been getting over bronchitis for the last week. It really got the best of me. I was pretty sick. But I am on the mend now. I am not quite ready to begin exercising again, other than maybe a walk. Its amazing how much we take for granted.

A few months ago I was talking to one of my neighbors. I was telling her about my half marathon and how I had gained so much weight while training for it. I told her how I really struggled to control my appetite. One day the hubs was out taking the kids for a walk. She came out and gave him a book and said she hoped it would help. Apparently her son is a personal traininer. He brought it home, and to be honest, the book sat on the counter for weeks. I picked it up the other day and started looking at it. Much to my surprise it really intrigued me. Its called Body-for-Life. I had never heard of it and had no intention of even reading the book. But as I started flipping through the pages it really started to make sense. I never really understood clean eating, or complex vs simple carbs and so on. This book simply explained it all and I actually understood it. The main concept is to eat 6 meals a day with each meal consisting of a lean protein choice and a complex carb(and two veggies a day). There is even a list to choose from. And there is a workout schedule to follow as well. I tend to get overwhelmed and confused with which exercises to do and when. All of a sudden there is something that makes sense and seems easy to follow. I have been talking to the hubs about it and he is so supportive and agrees that this is a great thing to try. He is a firm believer of weight training.

I read the book, cover to cover and now need to make a start date. The hubs is getting me the appropriate dumbbells I need as well. I need to go to the grocery store and make meal plans for the week when I choose to start. Its a 12 week commitment with a plan to follow. Right up my alley. I need to take a before picture. I am all in.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*to not have to worry about what I have that will actually fit today.

Today I am thankful for:
*this feeling of confidence and excitement that I can do this!

WI in results and no gym :(

2011-11-29T21:29:00.000-05:00

While I was really hoping to feel betterenough to make it to the gym yesterday, it didnt happen. Instead, my mom, husband, Laura and my boss GANGED up on me and demanded I go to the dr. I almost fell over when I realized my hubs did this! He is not really the type, so he must have been worried. So, instead of the gym I ended up at the dr's office. I am not a fan of dr's or how most of the healthcare system is run. At least not the ones I have been to. I have had some super sour experiences and now find that I will do most anything to avoid a trip to the dr. Its mainly become a fear I have developed (says me with my handy dandy psych degree :)   So after waiting an hour in the waiting room and another 20 minutes in the actual room, the dr came in like a whirlwind and was out in less than 3 minutes I think. The verdict? Bronchitis (although she never told me this...I learned from the paper I left with) Apparently, its bad enough that I need an inhaler and steroids to accompany my antibiotics. She said she should xray me but since she is treating me anyway theres no point. Fine with me. I had already spend enough time in that place. I havent been able to talk in three days because of all the coughing I have done. Apparently my vocal cords and lungs and such are quite inflamed. I prefer to say they are angry in there...    I have been sooooooooo tired. Not like, oh I could use a nap, but more like if i dont lay down my body is going to stop working...dog tired. Who made that phrase up anyway? My dogs arent tired... Anyway... I was disappointed when she said I needed prednisone (steroid) because I know it makes me hungry. And it makes me unable to sleep. Oh, and sweaty apparently(the hubs and kids were less than thrilled with the open windows and fans on today). And I realized at the pharmacy that it is a higher dosage than I took back when I had some sort of reactive arthritis. So, I was less than thrilled to say the least.   But at this point I am REALLY accepting that I do need medicine. I started the antibiotics last night and the prednisone this morning. Any doubt I had about starting it was erased when I got up this morning and could barely breathe while coughing :(   I was actually crying as I called my mom( because my mom can fix everything in my eyes).

So, today I am feeling a little better. I think its going to be a longer road to recovery than I planned. But I am realizing that getting better is what is important. And I will do my best to eat well while STARVING on this medicine.    And I should be happy this is happening now and not last month before my half marathon. See? Isnt that me being a glass is half full kinda gal?

And the good news is........

Today I am thankful for:
*I lost 4.7 lbs last week!!!!!   184.6 I hope my scale was telling the truth. The one at the drs was much meaner. But arent they always? Plus I had my shoes and coat on. Lets call it the truth for now. 10 lbs in two weeks!

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I went with the hubs to grab something he needed at his work. I waited in the car with the kids. As his coworkers were coming in and out I was hoping they didnt see me. Then I realized that I am back to being ashamed of my weight. Not a good feeling and I cant wait to lose it again!!

Indulge vs Overindulge????

2011-11-27T19:43:00.000-05:00

I am unsure what tomorrow's weigh in will bring after being sick this week (I still am) and throwing Thanksgiving into the mix. I have not stepped on the scale since last Monday. But it is what it is and whatever number it shows I accept it. I dont feel like I overindulged at all. I indulged as most people do on Thanksgiving, but I dont think I overindulged. Does that make sense to anyone out there?? This was again, one of those eye opening, clicking, light bulb thoughts I had. I had some pie and cheesecake, but small slices. I tried to be careful of my portion sizes. But come Wednesday I came down with a relentless chest cold and I havent exercised since. Unless you count constant coughing as exercise...because I will have lost significantly this week if I can count that! hehe.

I am hoping to feel better in the morning. At least well enough to make it to the gym. I am going to try some new training techniques this week. I feel good about having a structured routine instead of just feeling disorganized or unsure when it comes to weight training. Thanks to Jamie for the info she sent me!! A personal trainer isnt an option for me right now so this really feels like a Godsend. I really cant wait to get started. I am going to add that onto my cardio and see where it takes me. My measurement are already on file on the gym (an included service :) so I will check them again in a month or so. I am so excited.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I noticed that since I have put some of the weight back on that my self confidence has slipped away. I am finding that just the effort I am making is helping but I look forward to feeling more confident with time.

Today I am thankful for:
*sugar free jello. Need I say more?

No hungries

2011-11-26T12:56:00.001-05:00

Thanksgiving is over and now the tree is up. I did some black Friday shopping which really was on Thanksgiving. But my little girls benefited by me waiting in line. They will have two brand new bikes with training wheels under the tree Christmas morning. Well, maybe next to the tree. I am not really sure how I feel about the new "let shop on thanksgiving night" thing. Thanksgiving should be about giving thanks. I think I sound more like my mother every day.

My family came into town on Wednesday and left this morning. It was such a nice time like usual. Although they are only two hours away I miss them a lot, as do my hubs and kids. My mom cooked most of Thanksgiving dinner by herself, I am sorry to say :( For those of you who have asked how my daughter is feeling...she is much better. But now mommy has one heck of a chest cold. I went to lay down for "a few minutes" on Thanksgiving and when I woke up it was over 2 hours later. I am not a daytime napper. My body doesnt really allow it. So I must have been sick in order for me to actually fall asleep! I can feel things loosening up in there today so I am hoping I am on the mend.

I am not sure if its the sickness or what but I havent had much of an appetite. I mean, I have been eating my points, and did enjoy some dessert but the hungry thoughts are not there. No hungries? It was so odd and I cant help but wonder is this what people who do not have an intense love for food are like? I mean, I ate. I enjoyed it. But it made me realize how different it usually is for me. Its quite eye opening really. I love food. It is yummy. Some people enjoy baseball, football, scrapbooking. I enjoy food. Same kinda thing. I dont think I have a bad relationship with food as I am not an emotional eater or anything. I just really like food :)

Weigh day for me is Monday. I think I forgot to mention that my last weigh in showed 189.3, a 5.3 lb loss for the week. Still up 29 lbs from my lowest. Grr. But it is what it is. I have been going to the gym. I havent gone since Wednesday and not sure when I can go again. Going down/upstairs to do laundry or taking the dogs out is an out of breath experience with this cold. What an awful feeling. But on the upside it makes me realize that usually I am in so much better shape!

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*It was nothing short of utter disgust when I was trying clothes on in the dressing room while black friday shopping. Its great to know that I am working hard to get back to the smaller me who is much happier with myself.

Today I am thankful for :
*being able to spend the holiday with my family.

Negative associations

2011-11-21T20:46:00.000-05:00

I realized something that is kind of upsetting to me today. While I should be so proud of myself for my half marathon accomplishment, I realize that every time I talk or think about it, I associate it in my brain with my weight gain. I think how I trained and worked my tail off to run all those miles and gained so much weight. It was only recently that I realized WHY I gained the weight and why I felt so out of control of my eating. My appetite while training (doing 30+ miles a week) was big. Huge actually.

Appetite has always been a problem for me. When I am hungry the beast within comes out and eats whatever looks and tastes yummy...until I am full. And when my appetite is not raging I find it much easier to eat healthier. I am able to make better food choices and portion sizes when my stomach is not screaming at me eat. So...now that I am not running much with this chilly weather, my appetite seems so much more manageable. I am eating healthier and making better choices overall.

Is this one of the biggest keys to my success? Could be! And maybe that's why I feel so excited about getting back into my weight loss. Without the insatiable appetite I feel like I can do this!!

So, once the warmer weather comes back around (sooooooooooooo many months from now ) I need to figure out a better way to control my appetite when running. Because I am not going to give up running. I plan to do more half marathons actually. But I don't want to have any negative associations when I think of the half. It is a huge accomplishment so why cant I make myself believe that? Any suggestions? I want to look back at that day and be proud, without disappointment of how much weight I had put on and how uncomfortable I felt in my own body.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*today at the gym I was on the elliptical which is surrounded by mirrors. I have been wearing baggy tshirts. I am so disgusted with what I see in the mirror. How did my body creep back into the old(ish) Jen? I swear I woke up one day and nothing fit. I look forward to being able to look in the mirror and see the positive changes in my body again.

Today I am thankful for:
*my appetite was so manageable today. I drank a lot of water and sometimes this helps and sometimes not so much. Not once today did I want to eat naughty things. I actually came in just under WW points today without any issue. So maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe (this is a stretch at positivity here) the increased appetite I was having while training for the half was a learning lesson afterall...one of those "every negative thing can be turned into a positive lesson if you try hard enough" things.

You think?

Still going...

2011-11-20T21:42:00.000-05:00

I am still going with this "I can do this" epiphany. I am not going to try to figure out why, I am just going to ride this wave for as long as it lasts. And once it ends and I have to really push myself to make good decisions I will look back at these posts. For me getting starting is always the tough part. There are few results in the beginning, a lot of challenges and so on. So I am going to take this excitement as far as it will go.

As promised, I did a workout on the treadmill yesterday. I walked with alternating 1 minute runs and increasing inclines. I had it set in my head that running is the ultimate cardio but I was quickly reminded how an inclined walk can kick my tush. And it did :) I was huffing and puffing and I loved the challenge. Its great to be reminded that there are so many exercise options!

Today the inlaws came. It was a nice visit. I ate probably more dip than I should have, and a donut too many but overall I was happy with my day. I chose to get on the treadmill again this evening. I decided to do one of the preset trainer workouts. These are so nice when I want to take the brainwork out of challenging myself. Its set and I go along with it. Again I was reminded not to underestimate the power of walking at an incline. I did two 30 minute sessions back to back and was sweating something fierce when I was done. The speeds and inclines vary throughout making it impossible to get bored. Am I possibly saying something positive about the treadmill??????????????? Hmmm...

I decided to bring the "Today's reason for losing weight" and "Today I am thankful for " back into my blog. I was doing that for a long time and seemed to have phased it out without realizing. So here it goes.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I was very unhappy to see the extra weight on my arms when I wore a tshirt today. I had it gone once and I will do it again. I have never thought of my arms as one of my problem areas but putting some of the weight back on clearly made a (nasty) difference in that area.

Today I am thankful for :
*my friends. Many of my friends have called to check on my little girl who has been sick. Its nice to know that people genuinely care. Its a nice reminder that small acts of kindness really do touch people.

Priceless

2011-11-19T13:18:00.002-05:00

My last post I talked about how something just clicked and I am feeling on track. I am feeling good about being on track. I had to work yesterday afternoon and had to drop the kids off at school in the late morning. And I realized that I was actually disappointed that I wouldnt have enough time to drop them off, drive down to the gym, get a workout in and then shower and get back to get the kids and go to work. So I made the plan instead to get on the treadmill last night or do Jillians 30 day shred. That was the plan until our littlest one came down suddenly with shaking chills and a high fever. I put her in my bed and didnt leave her side after that. She has a tendency to spike 105 fevers when she gets sick, so I watch and monitor her carefully. Plus, she was bit by a deer tick over a week ago and has been on antibiotics since. The dr does not think this is related. I hope she is right.

But today the hubs is home and I am going to get some exercise in. I like feeling good about my choices. I have enjoyed the gym this week, watching what I am eating and then feeling good about it at the end of the day. It gives me a sense of pride I guess. And it must because today for the first time I put my half marathon tech shirt that I got with my name on it.

Thank you to those of you who have been following my journey, and also to those who comment. Your support and reassurance always seems to be perfect timing. So, thank you. I am finally feeling like I can do this again. And that is priceless.

Not proud to admit...

2011-11-17T12:15:00.002-05:00

I am not proud to admit that I have been extremely off track lately. But, I have always believed in honesty and keeping it real when writing this blog. Yes, usually when people disappear from blogland its because they veered off track, as is the case with me. I am not proud of it but at the same time I have learned so much in the past few weeks.

The scale is up to 194.6. I deserve it I guess. Thats up a a good 15 lbs from when I was training for the half and up 35 lbs from my lowest weight. 35 lbs. I am one of those people who has to be very careful what I put in my body because my body never holds a steady weight. My weight is a direct result of what I eat. And while it didnt seem that bad while eating unhealthy, one day I woke up and there was all the weight. It seems to happen that way with me. My pants dont fit. I look in the mirror and see more rolls, dimpled skin, lack of muscle. I am tired. Cranky. And disappointed in myself. So now, I am doing my best to get back on track. And it feels good to my surprise. I guess I had to hit rock bottom before I could get back into it. And I am happy that my rock bottom was not gaining all of my 70 lbs back.

I have learned to take much less from the scale than I used to. How my body feels and how my clothes fit are so much more important to me. That is a HUGE epiphany for me.  I was so frustrated when I couldnt get below 160 at one point. No matter how much I exercised and how well I ate my body refused. And then the epiphany... You know what?    Who cares what the scale said? I was wearing size 10's! Mediums!  I was fit.  My boobs were smaller (a good thing in my case).  My fupa was smaller. I had muscles and I was toned up. Overall I was sooo much smaller. But I didnt realize it at the time. I only saw the flaws. I only saw that I still had a fupa. I still had hanging skin off my midsection. But its gonna be. Period.  Unless I have surgery its gonna be.

So, while I am not proud that I veered off track, I think that it actually did me some good. Does that make sense? My eyes are open and I am learning to understand how MY body responds. And more importantly is that mentally something "clicked".

One thing is clear though, regardless of how off track I get. I know that I will NEVER go back to the old me.   No matter how much I struggle there is never any doubt in my mind. It makes me feel strong just knowing that. This disgusting feeling I have is not an option. I am taking control. I have been logging what I eat. I have been going to the gym. The feeling of "I can do this" is here and I am so excited! If I did it once I can do it again. Here I come!!!

It does amaze me however, that with all that half marathon training I was doing, all those miles of running that I was gaining weight!!!!   Another lesson learned. I definitely need to get back into the weight routine at the gym that helped me get smaller!

Another 5k under my belt

2011-10-23T20:05:00.000-04:00

I decided last minute that I would run the Carol Baldwin breast cancer run with my friend Laura this morning. Carol Baldwin is the mother of Alec and Stephen Baldwin. It is a local inaugural race that benefits the our university hospital and cancer research. Great cause in my opinion. I really like to do races that I know the fee to run is a donation for something I support. Medical research is always a great donation.

I figured that because my muscles arent sore anymore after my half marathon last weekend that I would be fine. And maybe I would have been...if there hadnt been tons of long and very tough hills. I started out strong hoping that maybe I could get a decent time. Three miles should feel like cake after running 13 last week, right? WRONG. My legs and ankles were tired after the second hill. The hills were long and steep and just kept coming one after another. And even though we got to go back down every hill we did, I couldnt even enjoy it because I was so tuckered out. And, for the first time in any of my "races" I had to walk...twice. Did I mention the hills were killer?

But, I am so glad I did it. It was a great cause and it was fun. I love being in that environment where so many people get together for an awesome cause. There were so many people in so many shades of pink. There were girls with hot pink bras on the outside of their clothes. There were young people and old people, and people of all shapes and sizes. There were men wearing shirts of all sorts talking about "boobies". There were tents for all sorts of things (even exotic pets) and tons of free goodies. I love free stuff :) There was music and coffee, muffins, bagels, fruit...compliments of Freihoffers, Wegmans and Tim Hortons. It was one of the better race environments I have been at. And one of the best things was that Carol Baldwin was there herself. She was walking around with her walker(with pink bows on it) and assistants at her sides. She was introducing herself to everyone and shaking their hands. She was so happy to see such a great turnout. There were over 2000 people signed up she said. Pretty good for an inaugural race, and even better to see her so touched!

Here are some pics.

Me and the hubs. He didnt run but wore my shirt :)

Laura, Carol Baldwin, and me before the race.

Me and Laura

Not loving my midsection in this pic. But...it is what it is. Reality.

The hubs in my pink shirt. He wears pink well, right?

A guy walked in front of the camera...

A random tooth walking around handing out free (pink) toothbrushes.

This lady was loving up on this lizard. Giving it kisses and hugs like it was a dog. It had a long snake like tongue. See our faces? Scared. Take one....

Take two.... a little calmer.

Pretty turtle

Ewwwww...I left at this point!

Laura: "cookie anyone?"

Okay...am I the only one that thinks this is inappropriate at a cancer run???

And here is the newest addition to my car after the half last week. I drive around with pride and get excited every time I see it!

I pulled a muscle in my back at some point today and my legs are tired. A few days off and a more serious effort on my eating plan are in store for this week! Hope you all had a great weekend!

Addicted?

2011-10-20T20:40:00.001-04:00

Thank you to those of you who said such nice things about my first half marathon! I hope you all enjoyed the pictures. If it werent for other people blogging and pictures of their half marathons I am not sure I would have even gotten up the guts to try one for myself. So thank you to those of you who have inspired me and made me feel like I could do this!!!! This blog has been an amazing support system for me.

And now that I have, I think I am addicted! I cant wait to do another one. In fact, I just looked at some races coming up next month in my running magazine. Its getting a bit too cold here in NY for marathons around here, but I did find one in VA which is probably an 8 hour drive. Crazy? Perhaps. But I am totally looking into it! And, I called my friend Laura and asked if she wanted to come with me because she is totally capable of doing a half. And I want her to have that surreal feeling that I still have!!! Plus, a girls weekend sounds awesome doesnt it??? We have 6 kids between the two of us so I am thinking we are deserving, right?

My soreness and stomach issues have subsided. So now I am left with some pictures, memories and a medal. It was such an amazing experience and I cant wait to do it again. If you had told me two years ago that I would have run a half marathon in my lifetime, I would have laughed (as I took another bite of my donut...hehe). This has made me feel like I am capable of whatever I put my mind to.

BEFORE:

NOW

I DID IT!!!!! My first half marathon...

2011-10-17T15:08:00.001-04:00

Me at the expo!

I did it!!!!! What an amazing feeling it is! My family came into town to support me and I also had some amazing friends come to the run to support me. It was an amazing experience mainly because of my people who were there supporting me!

Saturday afternoon my family started arriving. My cousin Mike(he ran the race with me), my cousin Trish and my parents came into town. We hung out for a bit, made some signs with the kids, had a pasta dinner and just relaxed. I got my stuff all ready and headed to bed. I was nervous, but not nearly as nervous as I was for my first 5k. Odd right??? The morning came early at 5:00. It was race day!!! Finally the day to put all my hard months of training to work and prove to myself that I can do this.

For breakfast, some coffee and a bagel. Here we are before leaving for the race.

The weather had called for clouds, showers and wind. We were thrilled to get there and see...sun? And it was about 50 degrees. Perfect! We found the porta potties and then it was time for the full marathon to start. We watched them take off then got in position for the half marathoners to start. The gun sounded and off we went. Mike wished me luck and we parted ways. His pace is much faster than mine. The first three miles was pretty unevenful once we left the start. The course brought us on the closed highway and onto a parkway along the lake which was also closed. So there were no spectators along this part of the course. My pace was steady around 11:15 min/mile. Thats comfy for me. At three miles they brought us off the parkway and into the park to run along the lake where I saw the first spectators. Yaay! Then I realized it was my friend Karen and her family. Here's the sign she was holding. It made me chuckle.

After I passed her there were more spectators. Not much further along I could hear my family and friends in the distance screaming for me! They looked like they were having a tailgate party! They were clapping and cheering as I came around the bend. I could hear whistling and noisemakers. My reaction totally took me off guard. As soon as I saw them all I got all choked up! Literally. I was in tears.! Not the best for my breathing! I tried to hold them back but that was worse and made me choke. But I was so touched that I couldnt help but cry. I am in tears right now just thinking about it. Here are some pics from around mile 3 ish.

I had the best support there!!!!

Tailgate party with coffee and donuts I heard!

homemade signs...love my girls!

homemade shirts too!

You can barely see me in the back behind the girls with the white shirt.

behind the girl with the green. My sneaks are orange :)

Okay...clearly not the best picture of me, but hey...we are keeping it real right? Fupa and all...

Then we ran the whole rest of the length of the lake and turned around at the 6.55 point. I was doing well and holding a steady pace. I had planned to take Gu every 3 miles but seemed to hit a wall at mile 5 so I took it a little early. It worked out fine because I took it every three miles after that to carry me through. I liked the out and back course because it helps me mentally to know I am on my way back and more than halfway there! Around mile 10 I started getting tired but I knew I would be coming up on my fan club soon, and that I could take more Gu at mile 11. To my surprise my awesome friend Laura was there to meet me before I reached them! She gave me a pep talk and ran with me until we got to our peeps! It was just what I needed at that time. Here are some pics!

Waiting for me!

Here I come with my pep talking Laura!

Hi guys! Sooooo happy to see you!!! (10 miles ish in)

Seeing them along with the high fives and pep talk boosted my morale. Where they were standing was perfect because 1) I got tired at mile 10 where they were and 2) after I left them it was back out of the park and onto the parkway and highway where there were no spectators. There was however, at mile 12, an aid station with some volunteers. They were great and reminded me that there was only a mile left! There were plenty of cheers and supportive words from them and even some music whcih was nice. Somewhere around mile 11.5 it dawned on me that "I AM DOING THIS!". It was perfect timing for this epiphany because just before this at mile 11 I was talking to myself (literally outloud) saying "You can do this Jen. Keep going." No one was close enough to hear me. I was struggling to keep it in the 12 min/mile range. After the aid station I started having some grumbling in my stomach. Perhaps some downward movement. Oh boy, please not now is all I was thinking. I dont usually have this problem when running. I was talking to God saying please let me get through this! I had heard of people having "accidents" while running and didnt want to be one of them. Luckily I was fine (until today).

At mile 12.75 I knew in my head it was almost the end but still no sign of the finish line in site, and not that many spectators either. Hmmm... Then I turned the bend and saw it in the distance. I kept going and my watch said 13.1 but I still wasnt at the finish line. Whatever. There it was. I could see it. I was sure up to this point I didnt have much left in me but once I got to the cheering spectators and my family and friends on the home stretch I gave it all I had. I was all smiles as the people were clapping and yelling motivating things. I looked down at my watch and it said I was at an 8ish min/mile! I dont know where the burst of energy came from but I loved it! I finished at 2:38:23. I did it!!!!! Here are some more pics.

See me in my pink shirt back there next to the sidewalk?

Home stretch!

Still smiling! So happy to see the finish line!

Hi guys! I am almost done!!!!

All done! Me with my medal!!

Me and my cousin Mike who ran too!

Me and the hubs :)

The crew...

And at the end of the day here is what I have!

I am still on cloud nine today. I am in awe that I put my mind to this, completed the training schedule and achieved my goal! And to think that I used to not be able to run for even 30 seconds! I was one of the bigger girls there but that just made me more proud.

I am super sore today and having some stomach issues which apparently is normal the day after(??????-Shelley?????). But it is all worth it!

A little stressed....

2011-10-12T08:46:00.001-04:00

But not about the half marathon(which by the way is in 4 short days!!). Actually I am really looking forward to it. I read there are 900 marathoners and 1100 half marathoners signed up. I like bigger races because they attract more spectators and its easier to blend in. There is more people of all different shapes and sizes. There is such a great feeling amongst the runners all out to accomplish a goal. And with this many runners I am betting there are others out there doing their first half just like me.

But my stress is about something else. We have decided to sell our house. Its not really the season for selling a house since its starting to get super chilly. But, we want more land and maybe some more animals. I like my house but I am excited about moving at the same time. The hubs and I have talked it over and over again and decided that listing the house is what we should do. So the sign is in the yard as of yesterday and it feels so...decisive. We think its better to list it now instead of the spring so that we can settle into a school district for the girls before they start next year. I dont want next summer to come and us still not know where the girls will be going to school. Thats cutting it too close. Even though we are only looking 20ish miles north of where we currently are, it will put our kids in different school district than their (preschool) friends. So, that makes it hard too. I have made some awesome friends in the past few years(and our kids). And it doesnt seem like 20 miles would change that. I will be praying about it.

6 days and counting....

2011-10-10T20:48:00.000-04:00

I cant believe this half marathon is in 6 days. But now having done the 12.3 mile run last week I feel like I am capable. At least I hope so. I am so excited that I can taste it. I feel so blessed to have such an awesome support system. I have three good friends (and their families) , my parents, hubby, my kids, and my cousin coming to support me. And my other cousin is running it too (at a much faster pace for sure). This race is early. 7:00 I think. Now, that is hardcore support. I am so blessed to have people who care about me. I dont think any of them know just how much it means to me. I can be quite sappy at times.

But on the flip side...I am so mad at myself. I just cant get my eating under control. I joined Weight Watchers. I did great for the first two weeks. Lost 10 lbs. Then it all went downhill. I didnt go to the meeting last week. I kept trying to get back on track. Everyday I would start out well. I would track my food. Midafternoon (every single day) something came over me. I ate what I wanted and stopped tracking. I said I would start again tomorrow. And I did. Every day. Started out great then veered off plan...everyday. It is a nasty yet familiar blast from the past. I dont like it.

I have had several bloggers tell me in the past how their weight depends mainly on how they eat, regardless of exercise. And I am realizing that is so true for me.

Let the plan work. Thats what I have to keep reminding myself. If I follow the plan it WILL work. What is so hard about that? I am fighting myself here. I am getting fruit tomorrow so I am prepared when I get hungry. Any other suggestions? The long runs make me hungry the two days after my run. I am finding hard to control the hunger.

My longest run in preparation... 10 DAYS!!!!

2011-10-06T14:00:00.000-04:00

First...where has all the love been? Where are my regular commenters? I miss you!!!!!! I have been freaking out the past few weeks that this half marathon is right around the corner. Actually, its 10 days from today. I figured the only way to calm the nerves and "what if"'s was to get out there and prove that I CAN do this. I needed to turn the doubt off now so I dont spend the next 10 days petrified.

So yesterday I dropped the kids off at preschool and left from there for a run. I knew I had exactly two hours and thirty minutes before I had to get back to pick them up. I set out for what I figured the time would allow me: 12 miles. I was armed with my Gu and Gu chomps, my friend Laura's water belt (I now realize this is a must have), my Ipod, and Garmin watch. When I dropped the girls off I could feel people staring at me. But I didnt care. One dad said I looked like a science experiment. hehe. I really did.

I went six miles and hoped to go a bit further to make it 6.5 so I could make an even 13 miles, but I knew that would put me over the time that I had to be back to pick the girls up. The first six miles were better than the last six, as expected. My legs were getting tired and my speed slowing. But I was doing it!!! And when I returned to the school 2 hours and 26 minutes later I had gone 12.3 miles. And if I can do that then what's .8 more to make a half marathon, right? I felt so proud of myself. People were stunned that I had just run 12 miles in the time we dropped our kids off. I was still in shock myself. The most I had ever run before that was 10 miles.

Last night my legs started to stiffen up before bed. I woke up several times during the night because they hurt. My knees and ankles were so sore. Even my upper body was a little sore. When I got up this morning it wasnt much better. But it doesnt matter because I set out to accomplish 12 miles and I did. Mind over matter.

I did have a little "altercation" along my unfamiliar route yesterday. There were several groups of construction guys I assume working on the same thing in different spots. The first set was two guys. The one guy saw me coming and went over to the other guy and said something in his ear. They both looked up and stared at me. So 7th grade right? It bothered me the whole run. On the way back, about 11 miles in, the same thing. He saw me, went over to the guy and said something and again they both stared. They were down in a field. I worked too hard to let them take my pride. So...I went right down there into the field and said "Is there something you want to say to me since you keep talking about me and staring?" He looked shocked that I spoke up. He said.... "uhhhhh, we have to look for traffic". I said "Down here in the field? What you are doing is rude" and off I went. Now, I know I am a bigger girl (for a runner) with big boobs and a FUPA. I dont need to be reminded. Maybe it was traffic, or maybe they were judging me. Or maybe it wasnt negative at all. Whatever, I said my piece and accomplished my 12 miles.

So the countdown is on: 10 days!!!

Reoccurring dream....

2011-09-30T21:12:00.000-04:00

The self doubt is settling in. I dont like it. Last night I had a dream that left me exhausted when I woke up. I have had several variations of the same idea behind this dream over the past few months. The half marathon is two weeks from Sunday. Oh dear. Its coming up and nerves are settling in. Especially knowing that I am attacking this goal solo. Well sorta. I will have support there (yaaaaay!!!-I am soooo excited about this)and my cousin will be running the race too, but surely not at my much slower pace. Anyway, here was my dream last night:

Its half marathon day. I am running late (I am a pretty prompt person so this is stressful for me). I am fumbling around looking for my running shoes. I cant find them. There is an option to wear different shoes but can I run 13.1 miles without MY shoes??? Then I find them. I get to the race. I am late and it has already started. I realize I dont have my Ipod. I am stressing. How can I run without my Ipod???? I NEED music to run. Wait, I can go get it. But its not charged and I dont have time to charge it. Because I am late remember? I am dreading the run because now I am late and dont have any running music. I am looking for a place to put my purse so I can go run. I leave it with these random ladies who are selling food. There are thousands of people cheering at the start, and all along the course. I am shocked to see this but excited. I start running. I am passing a few people but not many. I am really behind. Then I have to squeeze through these parallel bars which are a bridge and pretty close together. I think to myself "well, I guess they assume runners are thin". I squeezed through. I continue running until I woke up and thought to myself, that was a short 13.1 miles! But I was exhausted when I woke up.

I think I have a sinus infection which has left me very cranky and impossible to run. I say that with total honestly. It hurts to even talk, let alone sneeze or bend over. My head and eyeballs are killing me. My teeth even ache. I cant taste properly. I am exhausted and even napped today. Thats a rarity.

The bottom line is that I am feeling unprepared. I am getting scared. What if its rainy? I hate running in the rain. What if I cant do it? What if my sinuses still hurt? What if I have to walk? What if I let myself down? Or my "peeps" who are coming to support me? What if its a miserable run (I have had my share lately)WHAT IF _______ (the list goes on and on). The self doubt is speaking to me and the only way for me to combat it is to go out for a long run and prove that I can do it. But I need my sinuses better in order to do it. I need to set myself up for success! Its only 16 days away. I have worked too hard to let this dream slip away now. I completed the whole half marathon training schedule which dropped me off at 10 miles....and that was several weeks ago. I put on weight. I am down 10.8 on weight watchers though so I am getting there. But I am surprised at my fear of this half when I have been so excited all along!

20 days....

2011-09-26T22:33:00.000-04:00

Until the half marathon. 20 DAYS. That is soon! It is really down to business now. I havent done a long run in a while for the fear that I cant. I had several terrible runs in a row that mentally did me in. But I know I can do it. I have been doing short runs all week that were not too bad on me :) I wanted to get myself back into the swing of things. And it worked. So, on one of the non raining cooler days coming up I am going to head out for 10 miles. I got this. I can do it. And it will feel awesome when I am done! I cant wait to feel that feeling again! Its amazing :)

So to get myself "in the mood" and super psyched I decided that I must have a special shirt of some sort for my first half marathon. I have found many online and even some for my girls. I am having a hard time deciding so I thought there would be no better place to get opinions than right here from you all. So here are the saying. Let me know what you think.

kinda sappy?

I like the saying but would look for a "prettier shirt"

Love this :)

Love this one too...

Ha! Love this too!

cute...

true?

Funny but not in the running....

And here are the options for the girls shirts (they are 3 and 4).

Thought this was cute since the last sign they made me said "RUN MOMMA RUN!"

comes in pretty colors...

And although the hubs wont be running the half with me, he is always saying how much he hates running but that he does it for me and to stay in shape... so I feel he should have this one:

It amazes me that a shirt with some writing on it can get me all excited. haha.

I am still here.

2011-09-23T09:57:00.000-04:00

The lack of blogging is because I havent been able to get easy access to the computer. We had our hardwoods refinished in the bedrooms so all three rooms of stuff were in the living room. It was not a pretty sight. But now that its all done it was soooo worth it. The floors look brand new. They were pretty damaged when we bought the house so I am so impressed! We replaced all the doors and closet doors and painted the bedrooms so it has been a very busy week to say the least.

But here is my WW update. I lost 7.2 lbs the first week, and that was even with my "friend" visiting! Yaaay! I wasnt sure I was going to like the new plan they have. I was used to the old one I did way back in the day. But I have embraced it with some advice from a friend. Fruit is now free (zero points) and I found myself feeling actually guilty for eating it. Like it was uncounted calories or something. And I didnt want to use my 49 weekly allowance points because I felt guilty. Well... I was talking about this on day one of my plan and my friend said something that really clicked. She said, stop overanalyzing the plan (I am good at this) and let it work for you. She said it is medically calculated. Follow it like they tell you to and see how you body reacts. So, I ate 30 ish of my allowance points last week, ran a few short runs, ate lots of fruits and veggies and apparently it worked for me :) I told my leader about what my friend said and I bet she talks about it at a future meeting. She was super excited about it and said the advice was excellent and asked if my friend was a psychologist. hehe.

On the half marathon front... Its three weeks away and I really need to step it up. I had several very difficult runs in the past few weeks and really struggled getting back out there. There is the dread factor coming in which I usually dont feel while running. So...on yesterdays run, it felt good so I made it only a 2 mile run so I could feel successful about it. Its good but I am still struggling with getting out there today. I know once I get out there and do a long run successfully I will be right back where I was. Its getting there that is the struggle.

My legs have been tired lately. Thats has been the biggest issue when running. I am not used to that. Not sure what it is. I think part of it is that I had gained 25 lbs fairly quickly. I now have 7 of that off :) Keep on trucking. Thats my plan.

My hubs just came home and we are going for a run. And to leave you with a chuckle...he just asked me if I am going to bring my WALKMAN. Haha! I havent heard that word in ages. And yes, I will be bringing my Ipod :)

Tomorrow is the day

2011-09-13T14:15:00.000-04:00

I have made plans to go to Weight Watchers tomorrow. A friend of mine is also joining with me I feel very strongly that although I will support her, I am on this mission on my own. My success is up to me. So whether she does great, or not so great, that is totally independent of my experience. Does that make sense? I am dreading to see what the scale says tomorrow but I am super excited to get on a plan that I believe in. I look forward to learning and turning my focus on my eating. I think its just what I need at this point. If I have a structured plan to follow I can do great, I know it.

I went for a short run today. Last week I ran in the rain and really struggled. I stopped several times and just really wasnt into it. It was probably the worst run I have had. It made me soooo hesitant to get back out there and try it again, especially knowing my eating has not been good. I blame only myself. My weight is up, my pants are tight (to the point I cant wear most of them) and I am cranky about it. So I thought getting out there for a planned short run might help me better than forcing myself to get back into by running a longer distance. Also, the hubs can tell I am struggling. He bought me a new pair of running shoes that I have had my eye on. He really does want me to succeed. Here they are:

I needed a little flashiness, hehe. Today was my first run with them which is the other reason I did only 2 miles. I wanted to gently break them in. I completed the two miles but it wasnt as enjoyable, or easy as usual. But its done. I needed to get back out there just do it. My shirt says so...see?

I guestimate the weigh in tomorrow to be somewhere around 190(this shirt hides the extra fluff well). I was down to 160 and it disgusts me to have undone my hard work. But its going to take more than disgust to get me back to 160(which at one point was not even good enough....grrrr). Its going to take lots of hard work and determination. So...here I go again.

Some pics from the past...just what I needed.

2011-09-08T21:14:00.002-04:00

I wish I could say that I got myself 100% on track and that I am no longer "flawed". But this blog is about honesty and thats what you will get (like it or not). Yesterday I did excellent to start out. Even attempted a run with the hubs in the pouring rain. I barely started and had all these unfamiliar pains thatcame out immediately. The insides of my knees really hurt. The outsides of my shins were extremely painful. Not to mention I was drenched and wearing pants that were dragging on the ground. So annoying. It was the first time in my half marathon training that I had to stop and walk. And I kid you not that I wasnt even a half mile in. I had to stop several times during the two miles because my legs hurt so bad. The hubs kept telling me I just wasnt into it. I so wasnt. I was cranky. In fat mode even. But what scared me was that I actually didnt feel capable. How could it be that I ran 10 miles less than a week before and I couldnt even go a few hundred feet without stopping??????????? I think part of it is that I am in that "I have failed" mode. After eating well all day yesterday I was still hungry. So what did I do? I didnt have a bologna and cheese sandwich with real mayonnaise. Nope. I had two!!!!!! Oh I was so pissed after all the yumminess was gone. Today wasnt much better.

Until.....

I decided that I am going to join Weight Watchers. It feels good. I am good at following orders or protocol or schedules...or whatever you want to say. I did excellent on Medifast. But that isnt a plan that is an option as I finish up my half marathon training. Then the icing on the cake....the thing that made me realize that I am done with this little time off I have had from my healthy lifestyle. I was looking for my resume. I came across a disc. I thought maybe it could be on there. So I popped it in. Here is what I saw:

Does this picture say it all or what??? Cake...

Its like my boobs and my stomach are all one...

I am more amused that the hubs has hair here....

Yes, I am brushing his teeth. And the cats wanted some. Sadly, none of these pets are alive any longer. My sadness was dulled a bit by my realization that I look so uncomfortable doing this task....

Ummmmm...... huh. No words.

While I believe that I still have a big girl mentality to some extent I was actually suprised to see these pics and realize just how different I look these days. For a while I didnt see a change. Now I definitely do :) And I think that God has such an amazing way of answering prayers. Because as my husband spoke in his own words to me yesterday, I am "totally off the wagon". Its the first time I have really felt out of control since this weight loss/healthy lifestyle journey began. I believe that me seeing these pics was just what I needed.

Here is a reminder of what I look like today....sorta...

Thank you God for answering my prayers. For helping me through this little hump and for putting such supportive people in my life. You all know who you are.... Thank you. I choose to be the second set of pics. I choose to be active and happy. Its all about choices isnt it???

Enough is Enough

2011-09-04T21:12:00.000-04:00

Yup. The title says just how I feel tonight. I have been teetering for weeks now between feeling guilty for not eating "perfectly" and feeling bad for myself because I have been running my tookis off and not losing weight. I did all this research about how some people gain 15 lbs or so when they are training for a half/full marathon, and when they stop training the weight goes back off. So for a few days thats what I told myself. It had to be that because otherwise it didnt make sense. Its been super frustrating for me.

But today I saw things clearly. I ate like crap. I have been for a while now. I can no longer kid myself. Yes, it could be worse like it used to be. But regardless, I have been making bad calorie choices for sure. Today the results spoke loud and clear to me (and then smacked me in the face). I put on a tshirt I have been wearing all summer and it felt like it was two sizes too small. Ooooohhhh....It hurt. Its probably the worst I have felt in this journey. It was the reality of what is going on here staring me right in the face. My pants have been snuggish for a while now. But this was beyond snuggish. This was like I didnt even TRY to put on a pair of pants because I knew they wouldnt zip...if I could even get them over my hips. My boobs are busting out of my bra in a sloppy way. The weight is piling on quick. I have seen this before back when I was obese.

Enough Is Enough.

Aint gonna happen. I emailed my gym asking what the current rates are. My membership just ended (much of it wasted...but I digress...) and I need to get back in there. My body felt good when I was counting calories and toning up. The summer is about over and there is a routine in the horizon. I just told my mom today that I am looking forward to the fall because for some reason I can always get my weight in check in the fall. I dont know what it is. Less of the summer crappy foods and parties? The cooler weather?

Enough of the pity party, and enough of the excuses. Enough of the constant indulgences, and enough of this "I can eat this because I ran today" mindset. My weight affects so many aspects of who I am. It overflows into all parts of my life. The buck stops here. My eyes are wide open. I clearly see this self-sabotage. Enough Is Enough. I am going to do this once and for all...

10 miles and a virus?

2011-09-02T10:15:00.000-04:00

I am so thankful that my 10 mile run yesterday felt so great! It was my first 10 miler and after having several not so great runs in the past week I was pretty nervous. Its so hard to get out there and run again after a tough run, let alone several tough runs! I decided I must have had some kind of virus. I was sooooo tired for a few days there and my tummy was off. And what I thought was allergies must have been a little virus because now the hubs is getting over the same thing. So you can imagine how excited I was to get out there and NOT struggle during my 10 miles yesterday :) I felt like a rockstar.

I did something yesterday I didnt think I would ever do. Laura and I headed out for her long run of 8 miles. At that point I wasnt sure I would continue on for my 10 miles. We had our Gu and Power Bar energy gels (LOVE these), and a small handheld bottle of water. We were thirsty and the water was gone quickly. We kept going and I couldnt believe how thirsty I was. I am not sure I have ever been so thirsty. Maybe even desperate. We were running along the lake where there are some pretty nice houses. So many miles to go and no more water :( So what did we do? This little older guy was in his driveway and we stopped and asked him if he would refill our water. I think we surprised him but he said to meet him at the front door. He was talking to us for a minute and then his wife appeared wondering who the heck he was talking to. Let me just tell you how good this very cold plain ole water tasted! We were so thankful and we will surely drop a thank you card off into their mailbox within the next few days.

Now...this is not something I thought I would ever do. My husband is a cop. I watch Criminal Minds. It wasnt the safest thing to do. This is how people get killed. I am aware. But I was sooooo thirsty! And I hoped that with one look at me he would realize we really were just thirsty, and not a threat. We were sweaty, I had my ipod strapped on my arm, wristbands on my elbows to stop the sweat from dripping off me during the whole run (very annoying for me), the running outfit complete with a soaked discolored sweat mark under my boobs along my stomach. I hoped we didnt look intimidating. Whats so amazing is that after he gave us the water and we were chatting, he told us how his daughter and granddaughter are doing the same half marathon we are training for in October! We totally picked the perfect house and we told them just that! But I also believe that God had something to do with this :) Laura and I discussed that if someone came to our house for such a thing we probably would have been too scared and untrusting to help. Yup, a thank you card is a must for these nice people!

A break

2011-08-30T11:25:00.000-04:00

I gave my body a break. It was tired. Day after day my calves hurt. They were sore to the touch and my poor hubs who tried to massage them(at my request) was surprised to see me flail around like a fish out of water when he touched one. So I gave myself two days of rest. My calves are feeling better. My body is feeling thinner (knock on wood) . But I am still super tired. My hubs was a rockstar and let me sleep in the past few days, and even take a nap while he cared for the girls. So I figured after a few days of rest I would be rearing to go today. Wrong again. Last night I could not sleep. It wasnt stress or anything, I just couldnt sleep. So it was well after 3:00 when I fell asleep last night. I had a run scheduled this morning for 7:30 with my friend. Again, my body was so tired during and after our 5 miles. More rest needed? Must be. I am getting good at listening to my body. I just hope it gets out of this slump soon! Its hard to get out there and run after having a tough run. But I will do it...no doubt.

I was supposed to go home to Albany and babysit my niece. I was going to leave yesterday and stay until Wednesday. The New York State Thruway is closed (this NEVER happens) almost the whole distance between our houses...which is like 2 hours, due to Hurricane/Tropical Storm Irene. So that changed my plans. I thought I would make it fun for the girls and look into a train ride. Apparently I was not the first to consider this option as the trains were ALL booked. And from what I hear that back roads have severe flooding as well. So I will not be making it. It wasnt bad near my house but I have seen pictures. I really feel for these thousands and thousands of people whose lives are changed because of this disaster. I think our state was prepared but, really, how much can you prepare for such extensive flooding and damage? My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone involved.

30 miles this week

2011-08-28T09:48:00.000-04:00

This week I pushed myself. I ran 30 miles in total this week. I decided to add the last 3 to make a total of 30 yesterday. I figured it would be a quick 3 miles; that because it was such a shorter distance that what I have been running that it would be easy. I thought I could go quicker and that maybe it would be effortless. WRONG. My body told me just how tired it was. I should have just left the running watch at home instead of trying to push myself. In the past I have done 5K in 30 minutes. My body was just not having it. It was tired and I was forced to slow down. I ran 5 days out of 7 last week. I know you are supposed to give your body 48 hours between runs, especially longer or tougher ones. But for some reason the "I need to push myself" came out. I am happy to be able to say I ran 30 miles last week. For the first time. But my body is tired and I am going to give it a few days off. Two full days of rest.

Yesterday I weighed myself and saw 176 on the scale. So frustrating to still be up 16 lbs from my lowest weight in the journey. Especially with all this running I have been doing. But because (to me) running is still fairly new and something challenging, I am able to let the scale number go and still feel like I am accomplishing things for myself. I am still proud.

When I was at the 10K last weekend I saw women of all sizes there. They were sporting all sorts of outfits. And while some women were thin and wearing short shorts, I was happy to see that some also had excess fat or skin behind their thighs. It made me be able to relate. Here are these women running 10K or half marathons (we ran together) and they are not perfect looking. Some were big, some were small but they were capable of pushing their bodies. And despite their size they were healthy. It was eye opening for me. Its NOT all about the number on the scale.

My pulse used to be well over 100, even at rest. Its now in the 70's. That speaks volumes to me. My blood pressure at the drug store the other day was 123/85, even though my kids were screaming and I was stressing at the moment it was taken. So yaay. Yaay for me for continuing on this journey and not giving up like I used to when I see a number up on the scale. Running has changed my life. There is something amazing about not being able to run 30 seconds at a time to going to running 30 miles a week that makes me realize how far I have come. Yes, there are struggles along the way. But I will handle them.

The half marathon I am training for is 7 weeks from today. So far, yet so close... But what it comes down to is that I AM TRAINING FOR A HALF MARATHON...big boobs and large Fupa and all... It still seems surreal to me.

Frustrated-Calling all runners (for help please)

2011-08-24T20:41:00.000-04:00

I am in the midst of trying to figure some things out. I have been running like what seems like a madwoman. Over the winter months I was not doing much exercise. I was not watching what I was eating either. Actually, I was eating a lot of fast food :( There was not much calorie counting either. Yet, I was hanging out somewhere in the 160's wearing comfy size 12's all winter.

This summer I start the half marathon training feeling like I am doing so awesome. It feels great to accomplish every single run I do. I have been running for months now, on a very rigid schedule even. My mileage increases almost every week with an exception of vacation week. Yet, my pants are tight. Not just a little tight but tight like there are some I cant even wear anymore. My boobs are getting bigger(this is not needed). My shirts are tight. All my clothes are small. This is not muscle. They are so tight I am avoiding the scale all together at this point.

What is going on?? A few weeks ago I ran 27 miles that week. This week I am at 18 miles already and its only Wednesday. Yet I feel disgusting...at least my body feels disgusting. I feel fat and flubbery and my roll is hanging over the top of my pants (well if I want to zip and button them anyway!). It just doesnt seem fair. I am past the whole pity party part of this frustration and now I am just trying to figure it out. Am I eating too much? Allowing myself to eat more than I should because I think I should be able to for all the exercise I have been doing? Am I eating the wrong things? Too many carbs? I burned 911 calories on todays run alone. I am running 4x a week or so.

I just dont know. Why over the winter could I eat crappy AND not exercise and still not gain much? Yet here I am working my tail off and not only am I not losing but CLEARLY I am gaining. Last night was the first night I got so mad about it that I caved. I was at dinner with my friend Karen. They didnt have the soup that I planned to order. So I got my phone out and I was researching calories for other things. Then all of a sudden I got mad and said why bother? I ordered (get this)... an appetizer, a full meal, oh...and then dessert. In which I ate ALL of everything. What was I trying to prove? I havent done that in ages. But if I am going to gain weight I may as well deserve it I thought. I know that it was not a rational thought but I was mad. And after that I felt terrible. Like the old cycle I used to be in. I used to eat like that day after day when I was much larger.

This morning I got up and ran 7 miles with my friend Laura and it felt great. I ate very well today and feel I am on track. But other than my lashing out dinner incident last night I have been feeling pretty on track for a long time now. So, I think the only option for me at this point is to write down every single thing I eat and evaluate from there. So thats what I will do I guess. It just makes me mad that even with so much effort with running that I still cant get ahead of this weight thing.

I would love to hear any thoughts or opinions that any of you might have.

My first 10K race!

2011-08-22T22:13:00.002-04:00

Sunday was my first 10k race. I have been super excited about this one for a while now because I knew they were giving medals to all finishers. I have never gotten a medal so I was totally on board! I rounded up my friend Laura and off we went for our first 10K. I have also been chatting with Kristen who I found out lives near(ish) me and was doing the race too! I knew we would have to meet. We did :) Here we are pre-race:

It was so nice to meet her and and her hubs! I knew what her bib number was and when my friend Laura pointed her out in the distance I ran up and gave her a big hug! She looks great and should be so proud of herself!

So...let me back up a bit. On the day before the race we went boating with some friends of ours. I did some kneeboarding and waterskiing which felt great! It has been probably 10 years since I have been able to do these things! The last time I tried I was not able to because my weight was just too much for my wimpy muscles to pull myself out of the water. Sad, but true. So it was very exciting when I was capable of doing both. I also had some wine that day. Maybe not the smartest idea but I figured if it was early enough I would be fine. So....morning comes and I am really dragging. But I got up when the alarm went off at 5:30. The race was about 45 minutes from my house and I needed to shower(to wake up), get the kids ready, eat something, and make sure I was early. Here I am on the way to the race....

HAHAHA! Yup...

So, the hubs stopped and got me some coffee. Thanks hunny!!! Luckily I woke up some by the time I got there. We met up with my friend Laura and her awesome family. Here we are pre-race.

We hear the announcement that its time. My stomach was a bit upset that morning and I was nervous about that. I wasnt really nervous about the race, just that my stomach was off and it might be a miserable 6 miles. We lined up near the back of the pack. And off we went.

Luckily Kristen had warned me that the first half of the race (all three miles!) was uphill. They were gentle long hills but we managed them. I was happy that my stomach was holding up. My feet were sore probably from waterskiing the day before. Who does that?...goes waterskiing, kneeboarding and drinks wine a day before a race...ugh.

Sometime around mile 3ish it leveled off and I gained some of my mojo back. It wasnt too sunny that day but it was pretty humid. It looked like it might storm. The course was nice but not too many spectators because of the rural area it was held in. Regardless, the course was gorgeous. I think between mile 3 and 4 I was dying for a water station because I wanted to use some Gu. I didnt see one but knew it couldnt be far since the last one seemed to be a while back. So I used my Gu and sure enough a few minutes later we came up on a water station where they were also handing out Gu. I drank some, poured some over my head and then a really sweet volunteer joined in on the fun and splashed a cup of water on the front of me. It felt great! The Gu kicked in quickly, thank goodness!

A little before this point we also met up with a girl named Amy. She was such a sweet girl. Laura and I were chatting with her and she seemed to be struggling a bit. She was there alone. She doesnt have any friends that are runners she said. I told her she could do it! We came up on the last hill which was tough. I saw the panic in her eyes, and she said she didnt think she could do it and to go ahead. Laura and I were on each side of her. We told her thats not how we roll and that she could do it. We stayed with her. I told her to look down at the ground directly in front of her and not ahead at the hill. And before we knew it we were over the hill. I could see how proud she was of herself. She had said she had to walk a few times in the beginning on the hills and they werent nearly as tough as the last one. We kept talking back and forth for the rest of the race. Near the end when my watch was already telling me we were at 6.2 miles (10K) we still werent at the finish line. Huh? My garmin couldnt be wrong...could it? We were coming up to the end and a man said we had about a quarter of a mile left. Again, I saw the worry in her eyes. I reminded her how good she will feel when she is all done holding a medal in her hand, and that we were almost there. When we came up on the finish line (finally at 6.6 miles according to my watch) Laura and I sprinted to the finish line and she was right behind us! She finished running and she was so proud of herself. We hugged and even got some post race pics. We are now friends on Facebook and she later wrote me this comment that means so much to me: "It was so great meeting you!! Your support and encouragement was exactly what I needed. good luck training for your half, stay in touch and let me know how it goes!" Here are some post race pics:

Me post race sporting my medal :)

Laura, me and our new friend Amy :)

Kristen and me! So awesome to meet her!

Sprinting to the finish.

Done! Obviously my little blonde was quite interested...hehe.

Our sign crew.

Love it!

Waiting for us. Apparently they were very patient.

Me and Laura post race. My oldest was loving my medal too :)

Yaaay!

And there you have it. My first 10K. It was a great experience. I came home and I was exhausted. I napped for like 3 hours. My weight still feels pretty high. My pants are tight. It just seems so odd that I am doing all this exercise and gaining. Two weeks ago I ran 27 miles. Last week was less but still in the teens. Oh well. Right now I am focusing on my half marathon. And if it feels anything like how I felt when I finished the 10k and received my medal, I cant wait! And another thing that made me feel good... the hubs came up and kissed me yesterday before my nap. He told me he was so proud of me and that I am "hardcore". He said after skiing, kneeboarding and drinking wine he thought I would be in bad shape. A round about compliment but I will take it. He has been so supportive of my running and it means the world to me.

My first 8 miler and the upcoming 10k!

2011-08-18T20:38:00.000-04:00

Last weekend I ventured out for my first 8 mile run. It was great! I wasnt too tired and handled it well. I did learn though, that it would be beneficial to have some water and/or a Gu packet or something of the sort around mile 4 or 5. Because around mile 6 I started to get thirsty and felt my energy dropping off. It wasnt exhaustion or anything like that but I could definitely tell the difference. I was sore for a few days after the run. I rolled my ankle so that was sore and my legs were kinda sore in general too. I felt like I was walking in slow motion and looked like maybe I had just gotten off a horse. But that went away with time :)

It still amazes me how much that stuff works for me. I went for a 4 mile run a few days later and it was awful. I didnt have anything before. No Gu, no caffeine, no breakfast. And I was really struggling quite a bit. It was really eye opening to see how differently my body "performs".

This weekend I am skipping my long run because I am signed up for my first 10K race! Whoo hooo! The most exciting part is that participants of the 10k and half marathon (starting together) will receive a medal! I have never gotten a medal. And I am super excited!

One struggle I have been facing since my long run last week is that I gave myself the day off to eat what I wanted. I burned almost 1000 calories. Well that snowballed into two days, three, and now it is almost a whole week later and I am still not eating very well. Tomorrow and Saturday it is a MUST for proper eating because it plays a big part in how well I will run Sunday(another lesson learned along the way).

So thats it for now. I will keep you posted on how my run goes this weekend! Fingers crossed its a good one :)

Then what?

2011-08-10T19:27:00.000-04:00

I have been on track with my running. I have been using Roctane to see how it helps me with my runs in the mornings, especially when I havent had any coffee. Sometimes I dont eat breakfast before I go because I roll out of bed (literally) and go running. I have used it twice this week and really enjoyed the results. Its about 100 calories and carries me through most of my run. As my runs get longer I plan to use it to refuel along the way. Right now, during training, is the time to be experimenting. Its Wednesday and I have run 15 miles so far this week. I still have at least my 8 mile run left and possible a 3 miler.

I usually do my runs in the morning when its coolest. The heat and humidity is often too much to even attempt to run in any later in the day. But I have been finding myself getting *the itch* to run in the later afternoon or evening, even after I have already run earlier in the day. This tells me that I must really have been having some great runs! I love how I feel during and after. I love getting outside and enjoying the fresh air.

Which got me thinking.

I am training for this half marathon which is in October. I have been training for it for months now. It has become such a big part of my life and my daily routine(with the help andsupport of my hubs) . And I am enjoying it. I like looking forward to the big day and doing my best to make sure I am ready for it. But soon that day will be here.

THEN WHAT?

What happens after the half is completed, all my hard work has paid off (this is all hopeful thinking that all will go as planned), and I leave with a medal and pride of steel? Then what? What happens when the weather here in NY gets cold, very cold, and it snows, almost every day where I live. I am probably not going to love running in the freezing cold, or in the snow. And I certainly do not enjoy it on the treadmill. This training has taken so much time and determination. So much effort. And I absolutely love being on the training schedule. That is something I have learned about myself along this health journey. I do best when I have some sort of guidance and dont have to wing it. But what about when its done? Then what?

For now I am going to live in the moment and enjoy myself. But in the back of mind I am thinking about what I will do after the half marathon. I guess I just dont want to feel "lost" when the half is over and the weather gets cruddy. I like to have a plan. Any ideas?

Two sides of the coin

2011-08-06T20:04:00.000-04:00

Today I was talking with one of my friends. I dont know her all that well but we get together with our kids to hang out. She ran one of the local 15K races last month (9.3 miles) and I was asking her about it. I am pretty sure it was her first. Her response was an unenthusiastic "10 minute miles, same old, just what I expected". Like it was effortless for her. Like training and finishing (quickly in my opinion) was no biggie. She finished in an hour an a halfish...with lots of hills.

Well this got me thinking (uht oh right?)....

On one side of the coin I am sooooo proud of me for running and setting these goals for myself. I am excited to inspire others which I am told I am doing. I am happy that I ran seven miles yesterday and wasnt gasping for breath. It feels amazing for me to accomplish something that I never thought I could (or would) ever do. And when I complete my first 10K and my first half marathon it will be with such excitement and pride!

But(you knew this was coming)....on the other side of the coin I cant help but feel not good enough. My pace is much slower than hers. It is and effort for me. Its an effort to keep up with my training schedule. And, I am running and running and the weight is going up. My clothes are tighter. Why bother? I am feeling below mediocre. A little pity party started creeping up.

So I stomped it out with these thoughts below. Let me know what you think...

A. I AM RUNNING....and the fact that I can even write that is a miracle for me! I AM RUNNING! Why do I need to be so hard on myself?

B. She is probably almost a foot taller than me. She also doesnt have large boobs and a FUPA from having two children surgically removed . So she is probably capable of running much faster than me.

C. I am training to complete a half marathon. And thats what its all about, right? FINISHING it, regardless of time. Again, why do I have to let the "not good enough" in?

D. So I have put on some weight while training. Although I still dont understand it or agree with the 20 lb quick gain...I saw it, I hated it, and I am doing my best to fix it. I am choosing what I eat very carefully and making healthy choices all around.

E. Did I mention that I am RUNNING?!!!! Regularly. I am running 20ish miles a week at this point. I never dreamed I would ever do such a thing. And while I feel like I should be able to eat whatever I want in return for my efforts, I am not. I have committed myself to making lots of good EFFORTS!. Thats what its all about right?

So there. I will have to revisit this post when the pity party creeps in. I hate pity parties.

My longest run so far...

2011-08-05T20:54:00.000-04:00

I had a run on Monday that was just awful. I mean A*W*F*U*L. The hubs let me sleep in which was so very nice of him. But I had a run planned and wanted to keep to my half marathon schedule. So I really just rolled out of bed, suited up, and off I went for 4.5 miles. Right from the beginning it was awful. I did *that hill* that I am always talking about when I run at camp. I didnt have to stop or walk and I was proud of that, but it did NOT make the run any better. My breathing was fine. It was my body that wasnt cooperating. It didnt want to GO. Like at all. I literally had to think about running... About putting one leg in front of the other for the majority of the run. I couldnt wait for it to end. Maybe it was humid and a few hours later than usual but I couldnt say for sure what was causing this run to be awful. Maybe it was the lack of coffee. I have been drinking coffee in the mornings. Its a new thing for me. Most of my running books say it helps people. Its true. I notice a difference. I am not sure how I feel about that...

Anyway, so I was thrilled to get out there for my run this morning and not struggle! It was really pleasant! So pleasant that around three miles in (it was a planned 4.5 mile run) I decided to make it my long run. I ran 7 miles today! Yaaaay! It felt great. And I like knowing that I am now more than 1/2 way to my half marathon distance! I wasnt totally spent either. I definately had more in me. I had a cup of coffee and a Powerbar gel packet (with no caffeine) before my run. Maybe that was the trick... There is so much trial and error!

I was super sweaty after my run today. I love to sweat when exercising!

Yup, thats a whole lotta sweat :)

Here's a running skirt I came across at the running store...on clearance. What do you think?

It has tight shorts built in underneath.

My eating has been great! The scale said 177 yesterday. Thats down 6 from the last time I checked. Annoying that I am still 15 lbs up from my lowest but I am not going to be ruled by a number on a scale.

Nope. I refuse.

5k pics!

2011-08-01T22:05:00.000-04:00

Hello all! I am happy to say that I have been very on track with both my eating and running. I have not been on the scale in a while and plan to weigh in tomorrow just to see where I am at. I am back to not wanting to weigh too often and to just enjoy my healthy eating and exercising lifestyle. It feels so good just knowing that I am trying. So why let the scale interfere too often right? I will let my clothes and how I feel guide me along in my progess checks for now with a check in on the scale here and there.

I ran a 5k this weekend with my friend. It was her first and I was so proud of her. She made a comment on FB last week that said "Youre going to have a clan of people following you soon, Jen, just like Forrest Gump. Whats your t-shirt going to say?". It made me smile and think...hmmmm....am I really inspiring people? Boring ole me?

Huh.

We got there and to my surprise I didnt have the pre-race jitters I have had in the past. There was excitement but the nerves werent really there. My hubs and our girls were there. They made signs :) And my friends daughter was there too with her sign. But her other daughter woke up sick so her hubs stayed home with her so my friend could come run the race! How nice! So we piled in her minivan and off we went. I was a little concerned about the hills that were on the course but not nervous or doubting myself. I knew about them only because we checked the course out the day before. The race was awesome. One of the smaller ones I have done yet the envirnoment was one of my favorites! There was music, spectators, people sitting outside their houses with sprinklers set up to run through, and snacks for after. Not bad for a smaller race. We told ourselves before the race that we wouldnt put a time goal on it because of all the hills, and because it was her first race.

I am so very happy with how we did. I was most proud with how I felt during the whole run. I felt energized and empowered. I didnt get exhausted and we handled the hills well! Our finishing time was 34:53. Definately not my fastest 5k, but not my slowest either. And honestly, I felt so good and energized that time took a backseat to how good I felt! My friend agreed that it was an awesome run. Here are some pics!

the girls cheering some peeps in!

Just finished!

fixing the hair pre-race...hehe.

My family +1

Or average time was somewhere around 11:24 minute/mile and according to my garmin watch we were at a 6 minute mile when we sprinted to the finish!

After the race, we headed to camp for the weekend. Here are some pics from there.

This deer ate all sorts of food all weekend.

There was a mama and two babies

"hey...can I get some of that?"

"Cheese!"

I must say I am less than thrilled with the rolls as I sit there. But...at least I am on track and working on it!

Hope everyone is well!

I didnt disappear

2011-07-28T17:34:00.000-04:00

My mom was in town and then we went to Maine to visit my cousin. She lives in the mountains. It was the best time ever. It was a truly relaxing vaacation that me and the hubs (and our kids) totally enjoyed. There really wasnt any place to run though. Its odd because I suppose I could have *found* somewhere to run on her 20 acres but it just didnt seem natural to run on non paved wooded land with no paths or trails. So instead we ate lots of ice cream, drank some wine, and ate very very yummy food. Now, keep in mind that before I went I was in the middle of my half marathon training schedule and was already up about 10 lbs from my lowest weight. I was disappointed to see the scale said 183 when I got home. That is 22 lbs up from my lowest. Ugh. It just doesnt seem deserved. Who gains that much weight that fast? I just dont get my body.

My pants were snug by the time I left. My joints all hurt for some reason and it has taken me most of this week of being home to start to feel better. It was a very valuable learning lesson for me to realize that how I was eating was making my body physically hurt. Interesting right? I am happy to say that I am back on track and back into full swing of my half marathon training schedule. I might backpedal a few weeks because my friend decided that she might run the half marathon with me! She is a few weeks behind me on the schedule. And, I have extra weeks from when the schedule ends and the time of the half.

I am so excited that I now have a running partner on some days! I never thought I could run with a friend and manage to talk instead of using my Ipod. But we have been running together several times during the past few weeks and its been great! I think she is hooked! She did 4 miles the other day and was so proud of herself! And I was so proud too! She was so proud that she went home and signed us up for a 5K this weekend! We checked out the route yesterday and it was very hilly and also seems to be smaller scale than the ones I have done before. So it will be interesting. Our hubbies and 5 girls are going to watch and have even made us signs. How great to have a support systems! She is already looking at other races we can run and is considering the half in October with me!

Here are some pics of our trip to the mountains:

This goat loved to give kisses! He is so sweet!

Me and the chicken. She is so cute.

At the beach.

Sunset

At the lake

She was so happy to see me in the morning! I brought her grapes :)

We went on quadding

sparkly water

Ahhh...the ocean.

So peaceful.

What a view.

Loved this beach.

So thats it for now. Yup, obviously I love animals and really enjoyed our time at my cousins house. My hubs is an animal person too. I am trying to convince him to let me get goats (just two!) and maybe some chickens... He isnt really going for it. But I will keep working on it! I loved going out everyday and getting the chicken egg! And her goats (not the milking kind) were so adorable and loving! I am a country girl at heart for sure. I am now wishing we had more than an acre of land. Maybe someday!

My Birthday Surprise!

2011-07-13T11:18:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was my birthday. I got up and went for a 4 mile run with the hubs since my mom is in town and stayed with the girls. It was so hot and humid and I hated every last second of it. I ran a little faster pace than usual for me (avg 11 ish min/mile). I was happy when we were done. Here we are:

Before(we just got up!)

After- ewww, yet I loved it!

Then we made a plan to go to the waterfalls. Its so pretty there and my mom has never been. Here it is:

the top

Nana and the girls

Me and the hubs

Then we headed home for some yummy pizza and my bday cakes. There were two. We couldnt decide so we got both(and it now all makes sense)! So when I got home I see cars in my driveway and streamers in the trees! A surprise party! For me?!!! I was so excited and touched that I have such a wonderful hubby and friends. Here's some pics:

This is what I saw when I pulled up!

I hung the balloons on the mailbox so people didnt think my house was vandalized...hehe.

I gotta say I am a little disappointed by the rollage going on in my midsection here... but hey....I am working on it.

My awesome buds!

So we hung out, had some pizza and cake.

This cake was too cool not to get...

Then we had some smores and the kids caught fireflies.

Then everyone left and the hubs and I enjoyed some time by the fire.

And here are some pics from my long 6 mile run on Sunday. I kept the pace slow as the book says to do it and it was great.

This little frog was just sitting in the road...not moving even when I came toward him. I knew a car would get him if I didnt intervene so I took his picture and then picked him up and put him in the grass :)

So there you have it! That has been my last few days in the way of pictures! Hope you are all doing well.

Kelly wants more sweaty pics

2011-07-07T22:40:00.000-04:00

Since I did my 2 mile run last night I figured I would wait until tomorrow morning to do my 4 mile run. I prefer to run in the morning outside. But tonight my hubs said he was going to work out and I decided it would be fun to hang with him. Plus I figured I could get the run "out of the way" and not have to worry about getting it done in the morning. So I hopped on the treadmill. I did two miles at 6.5 mph and then a mile at 5mph. The last mile I went back to 6 mph until the last minute when I did 8mph. I was sweating something fierce. Kelly wants more sweaty pics...so here they are.

Of course the last two pictures were taken after I caught my breath and could stand in an upright position again! It was a tough run. I pushed myself again. Its just who I am I guess. Its easier to push myself on the treadmill because there are numbers staring back at me. When outside I use the garmin watch but unlike the treadmill my speed varies minute to minute. Todays run was 4 miles in 41:55. 605 calories burned according to the treadmill. But in all seriousness, while its nice to push myself once in a while I found that I really wasnt enjoying the run. Going that fast too often is just too much for me. I am more of a 12 minute mile girl (5mph). That is my comfort zone and I can enjoy the run at that speed. Today I couldnt wait for the run to end. So, I will keep my speed workouts limited to my once a week two mile run.

After my run I knew I needed some sort of protein. I had already consumed my calories for the day. But I am learning just how important recovery is, especially when you push yourself. So I asked the hubs to share one with me. Here's what we had:

Its one of the bigger ones I have tried and therefore had more calories and protein. But since we split it that was fine. However, while I enjoyed the taste of it initially, the aftertaste was awful. I will not buy this one again. In the second pic I stuck some of the other samples I am trying out. I have tried a few different protein drinks and have found some really tasty ones.

Well, thats it for tonight. Hopefully I can sleep. It seems that when I run at night I usually have a hard time sleeping. I wonder if thats common?

Pushing myself

2011-07-06T21:40:00.000-04:00

I have been in the habit of running regularly now for several weeks. Before that I took a break partially because I am not a fan of treadmill running. But really that was an excuse. Before "my break" is when I first began running and even did my first 5k...and then did two more shortly after. My normal runs were 2 or 3 miles with a 4 miler thrown in here or there but not very often. My best 5k time was 30:38. My timing nowadays for 3.1 miles is like 36-38 minutes.

So that got me thinking. What the heck? I have been running regularly (on a schedule even). Miles and miles. And yet my times arent even close. Is it because the weather is warmer than it was at those times? Is it just that I lost some of my pizaaaz along the way? Am I not pushing myself hard enough to improve? I decided that on my optional two mile run days (once a week) that I will work on speed. Then it dawned on me that maybe I should use my treadmill to ensure that I am keeping a consistent speed and really pushing myself. I guess I just figured that all these miles that I am building would increase my speed but I guess not. Tonight on the treadmill I set it at 6mph (10 min /mile) and told myself I would do my 2 miles at that speed. What a difference at this speed. I burned 300 calories for two miles. I even did 8 mph for the last minute! I was sweating like crazy. It was drippiing off of me onto the treadmill. Ewww...yet so exciting at the same time! I had pushed myself and it felt good even though I was really struggling during it. Like I always say... no matter how I feel during a run I always feel great after! Here is a picture of me (Kelly style) after my two miles.

nope...thats not a necklace :)

Having said that...I have been reading my running books and because this is my first half marathon I should only be focusing on finishing and not on speed. So as for my long runs I will do them at a very comfortable pace. Plus, I want running to be enjoyable most of the time. Most of the info I have read actually suggests you run slower than your normal pace on a long run. Interesting.

It seems that I have lost a follower. This happens now and then and thats fine. But I joked to myself that maybe it was because there was another ice cream lover out there who was in denial about my post yesterday! hehe. I tell you, I am still heartbroken having learned how many calories are in one of my favorite things :(

Well that explains it all...

2011-07-05T19:13:00.000-04:00

I have posted about how I have been enjoying a lot of ice cream this summer. And on some days I even got two :( Yup. Sometimes at different times in the day, and sometimes right after I finished the first. I guess I didnt see the harm in it. If I ever buy ice cream at the grocery store I always buy the light 90 calories per serving stuff.   That way if I eat two servings its not the end of the world. I guess I never realized the damage I was doing by frequenting these ice cream parlors(and there have been many).

Until today.

I had a conversation with my mom a few days back, and then the same conversation with my husband on another day, about my recent and sudden weight gain. They each suggested to me (separately) that it was all the ice cream I have been eating. I thought no way! Until today. I went to an online calorie website and saw that one of my favorite types of ice cream (mint chocolate cookie) has a whopping 260 calories per 1/2 cup serving!!!!!!!!!

WHAT?!?!?!?!

Well that explains it all. Let me make it a little more clear. When I go for ice cream I dont get a little cone with a small amount of ice cream. No. I get the big waffle cone with chocolate and sprinkles on it, in size large which easily has a full cup to a cup and a half of ice cream on top of that bad boy. Oh...and sprinkles. Cant forget those. The waffle cone alone apparently has 160 calories in it!   OMG! No wonder I have put on 15 darn pounds!!!!!

If I calculate it right, a full cup of ice cream (and I am sure many of my cones had more than a cup) in a waffle cone with sprinkles is.....700 calories.

Is there really anything left to say?

Nope.

Other than I expect to see a drop in my weight with the removal of ice cream from my diet on a daily basis! I will leave this tasty treat as just that...a treat, as in once in a while. Can you imagine my weight gain if I hadnt been running?!!!

Lesson learned.   Did you all know this or am I the only naive one?   I feel almost heartbroken!

Another long run done!

2011-07-04T19:46:00.000-04:00

We went to camp this weekend. It was a nice time. I had a 5 mile run on the schedule for Sunday morning. My husband decided to come with me which I love. Its amazing to me how much training I am doing to be able to go farther and farther every week and he just pops in on my long runs like its no big deal. He has never been much of a runner but has been through a few police academies and I am pretty sure that has helped him. He is a almost a foot taller than me so our paces are much different. So when he comes running with me he runs at my pace. He says if he was running at his pace he probably wouldnt be able to run longer distances. I really enjoy his company when we get to run together. We dont speak much other than me flailing my fingers in his face to tell him how many miles we are at. We both have our earphones in (with very different choices in music...hehe) but just having him next to me makes the run so much better. He is a man of few words. After we pounded fists after the run I asked him what he thought of the run. His response? "It was good."

Anyway...so we were at camp. Where I have blogged before about "that hill". Its steep. Nasty really. I meant to take a picture of it but I forgot. Anyway, we did the loop twice which means "that hill" twice. The first time up it I had to walk for some of it. I gave myself a minute. And then I went right back to running. The second time around the loop which was around 3 miles into the run, I figured I would really be struggling. So I told myself not to look ahead at how far I had to go but to focus on the ground directly in front of me. I took very small steps as I jogged. To my surprise I made it to the top before I allowed myself to walk for a minute! whoo hoo! Those were the only two walk breaks I took during the run. The hubs didnt need to walk at all. Superman I tell ya...

When all was said and done the run ended up being 5.5 miles. It was humid out and I was sweaty. It felt good. My hubby's shirt was drenched. It felt great! We went inside and had a protein drink. I realized the other day that things really have changed when my three year old was talking to me about protein drinks...haha. And just today my four year old told me that when she gets bigger she wants to run with me. How stinking cute.

I did a lot of walking this past week along with my many miles of running. Which is a good thing because again, my food choices were less than stellar this holiday weekend. But I am not going to dwell on it and I am going to move on. I realize that I need to make better food choices and I am going to the store tomorrow morning to stock the fridge :) I have to keep reminding myself that good food choices will really maximize my results...both in running and in my weight loss journey.

Still at it...

2011-07-01T20:59:00.002-04:00

I am still at it. 3.5 miles today. I received two of the three running books that I ordered. I am in the middle of Jeff Galloway's "Half Marathon: You can do it". Its a good book but I find myself lost sometimes and having to go back to understand it. It would be so much easier if I could just *see* how to do the drills. But overall I am learning a lot of interesting things. Like walk breaks... I dont take walk breaks but he makes it sound like it is actually better for you to do so and will actually improve your running. So, its good to know that I can if I want to and I will play around with this "run, walk, run" technique in one of my shorter runs and see how it affects me. Also, he says that for a first half marathon I should NOT concentrate on time at all, but instead to concentrate on finishing. I wish I could get that through my stubborn head. I dont really consider myself competetive, only with myself I guess. For those of you who have done half marathons....did you walk at all? Also interesting is that his training schedule is different than the one that I am following (Hal Higdons).

My eating has been better. I wont say perfect, but better. I am trying to find that happy medium between what I should eat and how I was eating while also incorporating protein drinks into my calorie allowance. But it feels good to know that running is surely only helping the shape of my body. I went back into my old journal that I used when I was calorie counting. I realized very quickly that I probably hit a plateau because I was eating a lot of the same things day after day. I am working on changing it up so my body doesnt get bored.

I havent been on the scale since my huge gain the last time (15lbs!). But between TOM finally coming and my improved eating my body is already feeling so much less bloated and nasty. Now thats a good feeling :) It amazes me that I was so unhappy with myself that I couldnt get below 160 and now that I am over 175 I wish I could be 160 again! Its one of those little lessons learned. I need to learn to accept and appreciate the little successes along the way.

Hope you all have a great weekend. Here is a picture of our Sugar boating :)

watching her daddy!

Imagine my disgust....

2011-06-26T11:16:00.000-04:00

Today I did my long run for the week-5 miles. It went well I think. 59:10 was my time. Here I am after my run today:

This is an awful picture of me but we are keeping it real right? My husband is clearly much taller than I am and apparently from his angle while my legs look much smaller than they really are, my stomach and boobs look terrible. And maybe my head looks to big for my body here? hmmm.... Obviously not a good angle to take a pic..I will have to speak to him about that...haha. I can just picture him crouching down or standing on his knees to take a pic for me... Oh...and see my sports bra? I got it at the running store for $50+ dollars and let me tell you something....nothing short of duck tape would work better than this thing. Worth every single penny. Maybe I will do a post on that someday.

I have been running miles and miles and I have been proud of myself. So imagine my disgust the other day when I got on the scale to see: 178 lbs... What?!?!?!?!? That is like a 15 lb gain. Yup, 15 as in like 1 5, double digits. I have been noticing my pants have been pretty tight and that my appetite has been huge. Not to mention my 4 year old told me my belly was "jiggling" when we were shopping yesterday. Then I tried on a life jacket and it was too tight. She pipes up with "that is for smaller mommies". She is right!

I have talked in the past about how if I can get ahold of my hunger before I get to that hungry point I am much more able to keep in control of what I am eating. But once I actually get hungry its all over. The "beast" within comes out and takes over at that point. And then I eat the way the old Jen used to...I eat sweets, fatty things and whatever looks good...including fast food :( Oh...and ice cream. Ice cream has been a problem for me this season... So while I havent been eating as great as I should be, I have been running many miles a week and thought maybe it would cancel out? Apparently I was way off on that thought.

I have noticed that running has really increased my appetite so I decided that that is where I need to start *repairing* the damage. I have done yet more research online and by talking to other runners and here is what I have come up with...

*I will eat GU before(and during once I increase my miles) my runs instead of a breakfast since I seem to get cramps when I eat before running.

*I invested in some Athletes Honey Milk (thanks Shelley!!) and I cant wait for it to come in the mail. I bought a case.

*Until then I bought some other protein drinks to try for after my runs so I can hopefully recover better and get my appetite under control before reaching the very hungry out of control point. Here is what I tried today:

170 calories and tastey. Although its not as *natural* as some of the other products out there... But hey, this is a learning curve right?

*I have purchased some running books on ebay, some specifically for women to see what I can learn. I am like a sponge with all this info. Heres what I ordered:

Sorry they are so little??? Anyway, I will be sure to share anything helpful that I learn!

*I went out and bought some healthy foods to have in the house. That always helps.

*I am going to eat more (smaller) meals throughout the day to try to ward off the hunger.

*I am going to cut down on my ice cream intake but still allow myself some enjoyment! It is summer afterall...

*I am drinking more water.

The dr put me on steroids a couple weeks ago for a few days. I think it has messed up my monthly cycle and I am thinking that is why I have been so hungry. I usually have a few hungry days that come and go but with it being off I am thinking it has extended my hungry days. I am hoping everything goes back to normal soon...

I found myself here the other day. I am looking into some new running shoes as I seem to be having an issue on the bottom of one of my feet. Maybe a corn from all this newly applied pressure from running? I am thinking some new hardcore running shoes would benefit me regardless. I just stopped in the other day to check the place out. I will go back.

Well, thats it for now. I stink too much for me to sit here any longer. I could really benefit from a shower(and so could everyone who might come near me).

The Benefits of Running

2011-06-21T22:56:00.001-04:00

First, thanks for the comments on how to fix my commenting issue. I did what you all said and it worked! I unchecked the keep me signed in box and whalah...fixed. Thanks so much!

This post is an important one to me. For those of you who may be new to the blog or dont know my story, a little over a year ago I was much larger than I am now. I was 230+ pounds. I got some weight off and started to run. When I first started running I couldnt even run for 30 seconds at a time without gasping for breath. I was amazed at how quickly my stamina, endurance and overall capabilities expanded. I am now training for a half marathon in October. Running has changed my life. And while some runs are tougher than others I have never regretted a run, or felt crappy after finishing one. NEVER. I have just reached 150 followers and I thought this would be the perfect time to do a post that may possibly change someones life for the better.

Before I was a runner I didnt know much about running other than I hated it. It was something that hardcore skinny people did and I surely wasnt that. I knew it was supposed to be good for you but that was about it. Now that I am running and I see the changes in myself, I thought it would be nice to post some of the real benefits of running that I have found in my research. I have gotten these from various online sites. And like I said, if this helps just one person who is on the fence about trying running then its well worth it. I know that after posting this I will look back on this time and time again to rekindle that spark and to remind me why running is so great.

BENEFITS OF RUNNING (copied and pasted from various websites)

*Running is one of the top activities for burning fat. In fact, with the exception of cross country skiing, running burns more calories per minute than any other form of cardiovascular exercise.

*Running reduces the risk of stroke and breast cancer.

*Running increases your sex drive. -Need I say more? Well, check this out: several studies have shown that people who exercise regularly have more and much better sex.

*Jogging builds confidence and self-esteem like few other individual sports can. It allows the runner to defeat trial after trial, growing stronger and more sure of themselves with each footstrike.

*It provides a feeling of empowerment and freedom that comes with knowing that your legs and body are strong and capable. Confidence is even more a product of running for those who lose weight and gain a better self-image through running.

*Aside from just the stress relief, jogging has also been proven to improve attitude. Running, especially outside and on trails, creates a release of endorphins that can cause euphoria (runner’s high) or just a general sense of happiness.

*Running has been used for years to treat clinical depression and addictions of all kinds. Less tension, less depression, less fatigue, and less confusion are just a few of the changes that patients have seen after beginning a regular running program. Running gives something for them to focus on, allowing them to see something besides their depressed state or addiction.

*Not many sports can be done almost anywhere with almost no gear. we just need a good pair of running shoes and off we go.

*Those who are looking to lose a few pounds often find running to be one of the most effective forms of exercise for helping them to achieve their ideal body weight. Running is an excellent form of exercise for losing weight because it requires a great deal of energy. This energy requirement means the body burns a large number of calories while running.

*Lowers blood pressure and helping the arteries to maintain their elasticity. While running, the arteries expand and contract approximately three times as much as they do when you are sedentary. This means you are not only working out to improve your physical appearance but also the overall function of your body. In doing this the risk of heart attack and stroke becomes diminished.

*Running is also beneficial for slowing down the aging process. Those who run regularly are less likely to experience bone and muscle loss as they age at the same pace as those who do not run regularly or at all. The bones grow and become stronger by responding to physical demands.

*Jogging helps to reduce stubborn belly fat. Stubborn fat can be very hard to shift, but a running program can really help to cut down on the last of your stubborn fat

*If you suffer from poor appetite, jogging will improve your appetite. Along with all other forms of exercise – the harder you work, the more you need to eat to repair your muscles and refuel them. When you start to run longer distances you will start to eat to fuel your body, and may even find that you need to eat more food everyday, than you did when you were overweight.

*Jogging will strengthen the muscles and bone density of your legs, hips and back. Running does not produce bulky muscles, like weight training or even circuit training does, but it does increase leg strength. Also, the constant impact caused during running can increase bone density, so long as you follow a healthy diet.

*Running can give you both physical and mental joy, so long you do not exhaust yourself! When jogging is done correctly, you will actually feel less tired after you have finished a tour than before you began. You may even start to enjoy the feelings in your muscles during the jogging and afterwards.

*Running is one of the best activities most people can do to improve their health. It raises HDL (or “good”) cholesterol, reduces the risk of blood clots, and encourages use of the 50 percent of your lungs that usually go unused. Running also boost the immune system by creating a higher concentration of lymphocytes (white blood cells that attack disease).

*Much improved sleep. Millions of people suffer from insomnia, sleep apnea and various other sleep related problems and disorders. Several studies have been able to successfully link a positive relationship between running and getting a better nights sleep.

*Running improves your cardiovascular endurance. Heart disease is the leading cause of death in the United States. Again, need I say more?

*More good news: -you don't have to run races or marathons to receive all these running health benefits. It can be part of an overall fitness exercise program, meaning you'll only need to run a few miles total per week.

*Its easy! Some high-tech gear will make your run more fun, but really, all you need is a good pair of shoes, and a supportive sports bra. It couldn't be simpler. And everyone knows how to run.

*Most experts agree that regular exercise reduces the risk of many kinds of cancer, including some of the scariest: colon, breast, endometrial, and lung. One recent study in the British Journal of Cancer calculated that the "most active" (e.g. walked briskly 5-6 hours/week) people were 24 percent less likely to develop colon cancer than the "least active" people (e.g. 30 minutes of walking/week). In a study by the National Cancer Institute, women of a normal weight who reported the highest levels of "vigorous activity" (running, tennis, aerobics) had about a 30 percent lower risk of breast cancer when compared with women who did no vigorous activity. Becoming a regular runner may help you cancer-proof your life.

*It can even prevent vision loss, it seems. Two studies from the U.S. Department of Energy’s Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory have found that running reduced the risk of age-related macular degeneration and cataracts.

If anyone made it all the way through this post please let me know what you think!!!

Any ideas please?

2011-06-20T20:59:00.000-04:00

This post is going to be all over the place....

First, I have been having a problem leaving comments on other blogs. Is anyone else having this issue? I go to leave a comment and for some reason it asks me to choose an account and makes me log in again. So I do and then it still comes up as anonymous and then it wont even let me post it that way. Sooo...if some of you are wondering why the lack of commenting from me...this is why. I have rebooted my computer, checked my blogger settings, my google settings and still cant figure it out. Any ideas? I have also noticed that I havent had my usual number of comments on my blog. So either I am getting boring or maybe others are having the same issue?

Second, I have noticed that my mentality has changed a bit. I used to be an all or nothing kind of girl. If I ate good, I exercised and vice versa. And if I slipped up and ate bad I wouldnt bother exercising. I'd thrwo in the towel. That was a tough way to be and led me to several years of yoyo dieting. I just figured its how I was. But as disgusted with how poorly I have been eating lately, I have NOT given up my exercise. Yaay! I have been running. Which leads me to new territory which has its own frustrations. So I run 3 miles, and then negate it by eating two donuts right? So whats the point? WRONG! I am excited thatI have the new mentality to realize that exercise, despite what I put in my mouth, is still great for me! Imagine that? My muscles are still getting stronger, I am still burning calories, etc. I cant express how exciting this concept is for me.

Third...ugh. Why? Why did I feel the need to eat 3 candy bars( yup, 3....) along with some freshly microwaved marshmallows and several graham crackers to make smores...inside. Really? It used to be that I didnt want to undo my hard work once I learned how many calories I was burning while exercising. Now, that is one concept I would gladly welcome back into my mentality.

Fourth, I am glad to say that despite my crappy runs this past weekend that I am still looking forward to my run tomorrow! Yaay! When I have a bad run I always find it hard to get back out there again. And since I had two tough ones in a row I thought I would dread getting back out there. I have been doing some research on the benefits of running to kind of rekindle the spark...hehe. I am happy with what I am learning and I think I will make it the topic of my post tomorrow.

Hope you are all doing well.

What happened?

2011-06-19T22:56:00.000-04:00

Seriously...I dont know what happened on my runs this weekend. Remember on my last post how excited I was to go to camp so I could do my runs there? A change of scenery, the two mile loop that I have run before and am famaliar with...remember my excitement? Well, I am glad that I have been running for a while now because if I were a new runner (and didnt know that it can actually be a pleasurable thing) I would give it up!

Saturday morning I decided to do the two mile loop. It invloves quite a hill and usually I have to walk for a minute or two and I was expecting that. So I suited up and the hubs came along with me. I struggled from the minute I put my sneaks on the ground. And it all went even further downhill from there! The hill is early in the run and since I was struggling before I even arrived at it I was really dreading it. I stopped and walked a bit. Then started back up running again. I stopped a few more times. I just could not get "comfortable" running. Everything felt so *off* to me. I was definitely lacking any sorta pleasure. Even after the hill I had to stop at another point and walk. My breathing was uncomfortable but I wasnt gasping for air or anything like that. I was tired and had to stop. I had hoped for two loops for a total of 4 miles but it was all I could do (seriously) to complete the 2 miles. It bothered me most of the day that I had such an awful run. I was disappointed in myself. It wasnt overly hot, although it was humid. I was sweating like a pig. The hubs and I talked about it and here is what we came up with for possible reasons. First, I drank a cup of coffee before we went. My hubs swears this is what my problem was. There is no doubt in his mind. I dont usually drink coffee. Some other things different in this run: I wore different sneakers, I have been eating like total CRAP for a while now and my body isnt happy about it, and its been almost a year since I have tackled that hill. I think (and really hope) its a combination of these things that made me struggle and that its a freak thing. All runs cant be perfect right?

Todays run was again with the hubs. I was a little nervous about it after yesterdays run! I wore my regular sneakers this time, didnt drink any coffee or caffeine, and went a non hilly route. I wanted to make it as positive of an experience as possible because I didnt want to be soured by yesterday route. Also, today is my long run of the week-4 miles, so it was important. The first mile and a half was kinda rough for me. I was trucking along wondering why this was so tough. What was different? I was thinking about how I was going to have to blog about this. My ankes hurt. My knees hurt. There was food *revisiting* and I kept burping. I was asking myself how I am going to possibly run a half marathon. Then we came up to flashing lights, and I joked "how did they know I would need them???". As we got closer I realized it was an accident :( After that I managed the run with much more ease. The soreness seemed to disappear. And when it was all said and done, it was almost two minutes faster than my last 4 mile run. So not too shabby I guess. Oddly, when I was done I realized I was barely sweating....hmmmmmm.....

I am not sure why some runs seem so hard for me in the beginning? The first mile or so is tough on me. I have my running watch so I have been careful to watch my pace and not start out too fast and tire myself out. I am really thinking my main problem is the garbage (and the large amount of it) that I have been eating. Its another wakeup call. Eat well and your body will thank you. I will keep you posted on that. I will be making a huge effort in that department this week.

I didnt take my phone running with me but here are a few pics of my Sugar Marie!

She was less than amused that her highness had to be attached to a leash while outside...

Really? I dont need a leash outside....cmon....

Feeling gross!!!

2011-06-16T21:28:00.001-04:00

Today I am feeling like a big fatty. Not only do I feel it but I *SEE * it every time I walk past the mirror. My pants were tight yesterday and I shrugged it off. Today, I cant shrug the gross feeling. I have said before that part of me is thankful for this feeling when it comes...because it is my cue that my weight is getting out of hand. And therefore, my eating needs to be improved. And that is totally the truth. I have not been paying much mind to what I have been putting in my mouth. That combined with the lack of (structured) running the past week has gotten me a 170 on the scale this morning. But thats fine. Its good that I feel uncomfortable at this weight because it tells me that I will never go back to 230+. I wont let myself. I have come too far, and if a few extra pounds makes me feel gross then in my opinion thats a blessing. So my 10's and 12's are a bit snug...I get the hint... So what am I going to do about it? RUN! I am going to run this weekend! I have a few runs planned that I am excited about because they will not be in my neighborhood. Its always nice to have a change of scenery, right? Now that I have my new phone I will start taking more pics and share them with you all! I always love to read blogs that have pictures for some reason. Do you all agree?

Its time to get serious about this half marathon in October. I can *say* I am training for it until the cows come home but until I am out there running 4-5 times a week consistently its all talk. So, less talk and more action outta me from now on. Having said that, I downloaded the CD that came with my Garmin running watch after reading Shelly'd blog yesterday. Its great and I think it will really help me! Its nice to be able to review your run when you are done. Now...if I can just figure out how to share the screen with you I would post that on here too. Yup, this blog is gonna start including some more pics...

Starting.....NOW :)

Hung out with the girls in the yard in the baby pool!

Sugar Marie hanging in the yard....

No more pics please....

Enjoying the yard without skeeters...

Limbo(sorta...I chickened out last minute)!!! Did I mention the hubs and I had a great weekend on our little getaway???

Me and my baby girls :)

Thats all for now. But now that I have a phone that takes decent pics I will start sharing more! Any objections?

I am still here!

2011-06-15T13:37:00.000-04:00

I never take this long from blogging but boy has it been a crazy few weeks. The little ones had a dance recital, the big little had a moving up ceremony, the hubs and I had our anniversary and then a little weekend getaway alone. Oh, and the hard drive crashed...ugh. I have been running on and off but not following the training schedule for about a week now. But I am back on it. I have more than twelve weeks to train for the half marathon so it says its okay to take longer if you have longer. So yesterday was a three mile run. It felt good. My time has been slower than it was when I was running a ton last fall but I am sure with time it will get better. Here are some pics from our past few weeks:

Hiking!

Sugar enjoying the campfire.

My new hairdo.

Mittens new hairdo....

So thats about it! I will keep up with my running and loving it! Does anyone recommend a good set of headphones/earbuds? I seem to be having a problem. The ones that go around my ears keep falling off. I must have little ears. The ones that go in my ears keep falling out, or I shove them in too far and everything is muffled. Recommendations? I need a good pair in order to run long distances for sure!

I hope everyone is doing well. I will be spending some time later on trying to catch up on some blogs. I didnt forget...just been busy.

Week one down!

2011-05-31T22:06:00.000-04:00

Week one of my half marathon training schedule is done! My long run on Sunday was four miles. I set out for it an accomplished it without much struggle. My time for 4 miles was 50 minutes. Not the quickest but I was more impressed at the capability of my lungs. Thats awesome in my eyes and means more to me than my time. I did most of my running and walks at the park near my parents house. It made me excited to run because there are so many nice paths to take. It made for great scenery. But now I am home and will have to get more creative for making scenic running routes.

This is a short post today because I left my computer at my my parents house and blogging on my phone is not that fun for me... So.....I hope you all had a great weekend! I will check in again soon.

Happy Saturday-a quick post

2011-05-28T10:01:00.000-04:00

I am in week one of Hal Higdons Half Marathon training schedule. And I am happy to report that besides some minorly sore knees that it is going well. For my cross training I have been taking some nice walks with a friend. There is lots of food involved in this holiday weekend but I am doing my best. It feels so much less concerning when I know that I am training for a half marathon. And by that I dont mean I am shoveling food in, but if there is something I reallllllly want I will have a little of it.

There is a nice little park I go running at when here visiting my parents. And today I even inspired my friend to do a little running too! She said she felt so happy that she did it and will continue it. I remember when I first started running last year and I couldnt even run for 30 seconds. I have come a long way. Tomorrow is my 4 mile run. Hopefully my allergies will be better tomorrow than they are today.

My first training run!

2011-05-24T15:24:00.000-04:00

First, thanks to you all who commented and provided me with such support on my post yesterday announcing my plan to train for a half marathon! The support was really amazing and touched me so much. And because of that some of my fears have subsided (for now anyway) and my excitement is growing! (Shelley-your excitement had me grinning from ear to ear!!!! Thank you!!!!)

Last night I made plans with my husband so I could sqeeze a run in before the daily routine began. Our children are still little so the hubs has to be home in order for me to run. So this morning I got up and grabbed some breakfast. I was groggier than usual this morning but my mind was set that I had to get out and run. So I ate a light breakfast, got geared up and out I went. Its been a while since I have done a run so I was aiming for 2 miles. The first run on the schedule is 3 miles and the next is 2 miles. But I read that you can rearrange the runs to fit your schedule. But once I was out there I was surprised that I had it in me to do 3 miles. It felt great! I used my running watch. I started the run out strong (9-10 min/mile) and knew I would probably burn out so I slowed down a bit. The watch really helps to put speed into perspective. By the end of the run it was all I could do to keep below a 13 min/mile. I did 3.1 miles and my time was about 38 mins. That is much slower than my 5k times I had last fall but like my husband said its been so long since I have been running. So really I very excited that I handled 3 miles without a problem.

Then I loaded the kids up and went to the gym for some weight training and a little more cardio. I wont be able to make it there the rest of the week so I put of effort in today. The rest of the week will probably be running for exercise.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*to wear skirts. Today I wore a skirt. In my obese days skirts were a no-no(for me anyway). I was just too self conscious to wear them. And although I was still a little self conscious it wasnt enough to not wear it. Actually, I was more conscious about my legs being so pale next to the dark denim!

Today I am thankful for:
*its been a while since I had a the pride that seems to come along with working out. I am sure my body is not yet any smaller or firmer after just a few days of exrcising but in my mind it is. And to me, that feeling is priceless.

My huge (and maybe crazy) decision!!!

2011-05-23T08:47:00.001-04:00

Before I tell my *huge* decision, I just want to say that I do believe that my choice to stop Medifast was the right one. This morning I got on the scale after a normal weekend of eating and saw a gain of 7 lbs.... yup...7 lbs in just 3 days. So, having been this route before I know that this is because my body was indeed in starvation mode. I have seen this before. When I was counting calories very strictly last year and eating 1200 calories I was maintaining. If I ever splurged for an ice cream cone or a piece of cake I would immediately gain 3 lbs or so. This journey has taught me a lot of things. I must say though that even though seeing that gain on the scale this morning was not fun, it was eye opening and really I am not down about it. I am going to be conscious of what I am eating and work out at the gym.

And of course there is running......

Which leads me to my *huge* decision I have made for myself. There is a hallf marathon and marathon coming to my town in October and I want to do the half!!!!!!! I must say that while I am so excited about this, I am also petrified and there is a little self doubt haunting me. But I have the 12 week training schedule hanging on my fridge and I am going to give it a whirl. Part of me says "Go for it!!!!!" and the other part of me says "Are you crazy? This is for serious runners!". But now that I am off Medifast I am able to begin my running again. Having a tangible schedule on the fridge that I can cross off as I complete the sections is great for me. I am not part of any running club so this is something I will probably do on my own. Although I have told a few people and asked if they were interested in training with me. But I am quite aware that training for such an event is a huge committment so I am really not planning on anyone joining me :(

Shelley- (and anyone else who has completed a half marathon)-I would love to hear from you?!?! Did you have the same self doubt? What can I expect for my weight? I hear people actually gain while training? How do I eat?

For anyone interested in what the twelve week novice training program ( provided by Hal Higdon) looks like here is the link. It seems doable?!!?

http://www.halhigdon.com/halfmarathon/novice.htm

Big decisions (Jennifer)

2011-05-21T11:58:00.000-04:00

I spent the day yesterday thinking of what I should do next. Two weeks in a row and no loss. And here is what I have decided. I am coming off of Medifast. I am going to focus on exercise and be conscious of what I am eating. I went to the gym yesterday in a very good mmod. And I am so happy that "my plan" worked. I went feeling sorry for myself that I havent lost weight, that I cant seem to get under 160. And once I started exercing the self pity disappeared. I felt my muscles working. And I realized this is what I need to be doing for myself. I need to be toning my muscles, burning fat and calories (and then enjoying the sauna when I am done :) . So thats where I am at. I left there is much better spirits. I will continue to eat my medifast food as part of my regular diet but I will not be following the plan exclusively. The weather is nice. I am in debate about whether I should count calories or not. That is still up in the air. I expect a small gain having come off Medifast and increasing the calories, but I hope to counteract that with exercise. The people at the gym are happy I am back. And one of the trainers and the owner seem to be keeping tabs on me asking me how many times a week I will be coming and when I will be in next. To me, thats heartwarming.

And also...to justify to myself that its okay to come off of Medifast without feeling like a failure I have made a very HUGE decision. I will share that decision tomorrow, unless I come to my senses first and change my mind...hehe.

Have a great weekend everyone. It was supposed to be warm and sunny here as the weatherman said yesterday but again he seems to have lied. Its cloudy and about to rain... Its the only job I can think of where you get paid whether you are right or wrong in what you do! hehe.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I really want to lose that tummy roll I have going on....well, at least one of them. I am trying to be realistic here...

Today I am thankful for:
*After deciding to come off MEdifast I did not run to the cabinets for all the junk food. I feel appreciative of food again and I am so thankful for that.

Why????????????????

2011-05-20T08:08:00.001-04:00

Today is weigh day. I woke up with a little feeling of dread. I think it was the fear of disappointment. I have worked REALLY hard this week. I was very careful with my eating on Medifast and also went to the gym. I have been trying to reach the 150's for a long time now and I had such hope this was the week. The scale did not agree. It said the SAME EXACT WEIGHT as last week. 161.4. Why does my weight refuse to go below 160? My husband came in as I was on the scale and saw the number. He came over and gave me a hug. He could feel my disappointment. He told me he knows I have been working hard and that I will get there. I feel defeated. My best wasnt good enough for the second week in a row.

Am I running into the same problem as last time? Is MF not enough calories for me? I definately drank enough water this week. I went to the gym. I walked the dog. I stuck to the plan, no extras except a few olives. Is my body trying to tell me something? Is it telling me to eat more calories and then it will budge? This is what happened last time. So what do I do next? My husband suggested staying on plan because I have another week or so of food but I am not sure I can bring myself to do thiat. I am going to spend some time thinking about it and I will post again later.

Sore...but good! (Jennifer)

2011-05-19T10:25:00.001-04:00

Today I woke up sore from my workouts from the past few days. I love it! I feel accomplished. Proud. In control of myself. The sun is shining this morning, although according to the weatherman, it is going to be short lived. But we will take what we can get these days. The sun seems to be a rarity this spring for some reason. And from what I read on other blogs, regardless of where people are located, they agree! The 10 day forecast shows two decent days...thats about it. But I try not to take too much out of the 10 day forecast because it never seems to be accurate in my opinion.

Tomorrow is weigh day. I hate to say it but I am really putting a lot into that weigh in. After my gain last week which was undeserved in my opinion, and the fact that I have been exercising, I am hoping to see a good number this week. Maybe even see the 150's??!?!?!?!? I have so much hope but at the same time I really hate to get myself so excited in the event of a letdown. I dont want to be dependent on the scale but yet at the same time seeing the 150's is such a huge goal for me. I have been trying for so long! It is like that hurdle I have been trying to get over for what seems like forever now. I get so close time and time again and just cant seem get there. So when it happens it will be so exciting for me.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*When I feel happy with myself it overflows into all other parts of my life. Does anyone else feel the same way?

Today I am thankful for:
*the sunshine, regardless of how long (or not so long) it graces us with its presence.

The itch (Jennifer)

2011-05-18T13:27:00.000-04:00

Yesterday and today I hit the gym. Even though I am still doing Medifast I decided I really wanted to do some toning with weights. So I went yesterday not knowing what to expect. I was so happy that the people there were so nice and welcoming when I returned! Its been a few months since I have gone and even longer since I was on a regular routine of going several times a week. There were hugs and sweet words from people and it really made my day. It motivated me for some reason to work harder. I decided before starting that I wanted to redo my measurements. They were all right on or pretty close to when I had them done last which was quite a while ago. And I was happy to learn that my weight was even down 2 lbs. I think the last time I did my measurements I was probably the smallest I have been in this journey, so it felt good to know I was in the same ballpark! I know that toning and going to the gym in general is a great thing for me. I am excited to be back.

So, I went and decided I would not do much cardio because I am on Medifast. The last time I was on Medifast I learned that when I did cardio that my body refused to lose weight. And I would also feel sick to my stomach as well. I am sure thats not the case for most, but it definately was the case for me. I learned this through much trial and error. So today and yesterday I did my regular weight training machines that I am used to and even learned how to do some different ones. I only wish I had found them sooner! Did you know there is a machine that works that awful part of your legs under your butt? I am sure there is an actual name for this part for this but I just cant think of it right now. Today, after the weights I thought, hey...I am going to try some cardio. I hopped on the rowing machine and within 3 minutes my stomach was sick. It was such a blast from the past and I recognized it right away. My body just does not like cardio while doing Medifast.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I love how after working out I get some sore muscles. I can feel their presence when doing simple tasks throughout the day and its a reminder that I am helping myself and on the right track! I l ove it abd want this to be a lifetime committment for me. Its makes me feel good. Period.

Today I am thankful for:
*I have the ITCH to run. Even though I ordered more Medifast food and I cannot run as of right now, I am actually excited that the day is coming when I will be off plan and I can RUN! Its not like I am looking for an excuse to stop Medifast. No doubt about it, its a tough plan but thats not the issue. I will give it two more weeks until my food is gone an see how things are then.

For now...two days till weigh day. I will not step on the scale until then.

I hope you are all doing well. I am missing some of my regular commenters...where are you?!?!

Jennifer

Comfort Eating (Jennifer)

2011-05-16T18:08:00.000-04:00

I have realized over the past year of this journey that I am Not a comfort eater. Actually, if I am stressed or down my body doesn't want to eat. It's when I am happy that I eat. I love food. Period. So many enjoyable options, especially the ones that are extra tasty and earned me a fatty liver. Food makes me happy. Some people enjoy fishing, or scrapbooking, or partying. Me... I enjoy food! Not necessarily cooking it but surely eating it! It's been important for me to learn this.

I am still not feeling "normal" physically. There is no doubt something is going on with my body and it just hasn't been discovered yet. I pray it's nothing serious. This week is the last of my physical therapy visits and as much as I had hoped they would help, they haven't much. But the therapist there agrees with me that there is definately something larger going on. She said she was going to call my dr, who in my opinion seems to have thrown his hands up in uncertainty. I almost hate calling or going there because I know it frustrates him that it hasn't been figured out yet. Plus, the people at the front desk arent always pleasant, which is sad in that type of environment. I am glad she will call him for me. I am trying to be my own advocate and trying to be patient as well. But it's scary.

Todays reason for losing weight:
*I love knowing that I am putting healthy things into my body. I love eating things that I like that I also know are good for me! I enjoy learning about how certain foods are beneficial to my body.

Today I am thankful for:
*Food! Because this is the second round of Medifast for me (round one was successful and I kept the weight off...round two is to try to get the last bit off) I am again getting an appreciation for food. I want things like peanut butter and jelly, yogurt, fruit, granola... things that if I werent on Medifast I wouldnt crave like I am now. It puts things into perspective that there are lots of healthy things that are enjoyable. Thats a tough point for me to get to and I am thankful I am there. In the past, yummy foods were cookies, cake, ice cream, fast food(LOTS of fast food), etc.... But now I just want a yogurt and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole grain bread.

Still trucking along...

2011-05-15T15:19:00.000-04:00

I will be totally honest and say that if we(me and the hubs) hadnt made the financial committment and ordered more Medifast food that I totally would be done right now. My lack of a loss last week was frustrating and makes it hard to stay on plan. I am very much a results oriented gal. Although I must say I am handling much better than I would have in the past. There have been a few slips here and there since my weigh in. But I know once my food comes tomorrow it will be much easier to stay on plan. I ran out of bars and that isnt a pretty thing for me.

Tonight for dinner I plan to have some baked cod with some spices on it and a small amount of tartar sauce. The sauce is a requirement to me eating fish. I just cant do it without it. I will use it sparingly. I will have a nice side salad along with it and continue drinking my water and eating my sugar free jello as a snack.

The wheels have started in my head already about what food choices I will make when I am done with Medifast. Its almost like I forgot how to eat healthy but I know I will get back into it. I bought about two more weeks worth of MF food and then I plan to come off. I read the article that Dawne had linked on her blog and it really spoke to me. I have been successful at Medifast and kept the weight off for about a year now. I went back on it to get the rest off. Yeah, I may have gained a few pounds but nothing I couldnt handle. The article talked about the last 10 lbs and how they shouldnt be the hardest to get off. And for me, they definately are! The roadblock seems impossible to surpass at times. But I know I can do it. The article says that you should change something if you are struggling with the last 10 lbs. It also said that if you are losing weight via a method that is not a lifestyle change you will be less likely to keep that last 10 off when you do lose it. This spoke to me. It made me realize that I want to get back into running and the gym, and to feel my muscles working. I miss that feeling. Did I just say I miss sore muscles? Yup :) Its a reminder that I am working hard and can accomplish it.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*Along my journey I have learned that I have inspired others. I have been approached by several people asking for advice or just questions about how I did it. And while I am not a dr, I have learned a lot along the way and I am glad to share it with whoever asks. I didnt start this journey to inspire others but now that I see that I have I think its great. I love to help people.

Today I am thankful for:
* the actual DESIRE to exercise. It feels good to WANT to go to the gym and to feel my muscles work. These past few months have been tough for me and I look forward to getting back into the health groove!

Weigh in Results (Jennifer)

2011-05-14T08:15:00.000-04:00

This weeks weigh in was not very exciting. The scale showed 161.4 which is a GAIN of .2 lbs this week. Its frustrating and I reallly cant think of anything I ate that would reflect that. Although, I do think I could be retaining some water. But, after my pity party yesterday morning and feeling sorry for myself, I decided to put it behind me and move on. I am not sure why getting below 160 seems to be such a task for me. I definately have the weight to lose. But I am now more determined than ever. I have been trying to see the 150's for over a year now flirting now and again with 160.

I am fighting back this week and heres how...

*I will drink 100 oz of water every day this week.
*I will exercise at least 4 days
*I will be extra careful with my lean and greens.

My husband must have seen my frustration yesterday morning because he chimed in with a pep talk telling me not to give up on myself. And hes right. If I give up I will never see the 150's. So thats where I am at. Moving on. So I didnt see the 150's this week...who cares? I will see it next week or the week after and I will be just as excited, if not more!

Progress (Jennifer)

2011-05-12T14:07:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is my weigh in after being on Medifast for 4 weeks. I was kind of shocked to realize that a month has gone by since I started the plan. The first week was tough but after that it was kind of like riding a bike. My hubs and I talked last night about whether I should order some more food and do the plan through the end of May. We decided to go for it. Its only a few more weeks and hopefully by then I will be sitting comfortably in the 150's? One can hope!

I decided to do a post about some of the progress I have made. Here are some things that have changed since the beginning of my weight loss journey 65 lbs ago...

*I fit better in the seats in the car and restaurants.
*I am much less self conscious of how I look, when alone and also in front of other people.
*I love shopping again (this is NOT good for the wallet though...)
*I try on things that *different* for me. Its fun!
*I have some self pride.
*I buy healthier things for my family to eat.
*I am more educated on health and nutrition.
*I discovered I enjoy running and feel excited every time I accomplish a run.
*I found some muscles under the flubba...
*I no longer worry about who I will bump into when out (for the fear of people seeing how much weight I had put on)
*I am a more active mother and wife for my family.

I am sure there are more things but thats what I can think of right now.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*just knowing that I can improve myself is a great feeling. I cant tell you how much of my life I spent feeling like I was a failure at losing weight.

Today I am thankful for:
*Last spring and summer was when I was losing the biggest chunk of my weight. I went from a size 20/22 to a 14/16 pretty quickly so buying new clothes was necessary. I am so thankful that I was able to give all those clothes to someone that will wear them now that I have gone down into a size 10/12. My friend was here last weekend and every single thing I gave her fit AND looked great! Its so great to know that my clothes and all that money that was spent on them was not wasted!

I hope you are all doing well!

Week 3 Medifast results (Jennifer)

2011-05-06T17:56:00.000-04:00

Today was weigh in after 3 weeks on Medifast. I felt like I handled the week pretty well and got very excited to get on the scale this morning and see 161.2!! Thats a loss of 3.7 lbs this week! So why is it then that I am trying talk myself into coming off the plan all day? My back hurt, I was ready to blame Medifast. Really I am just looking for an excuse. We are having company all weekend. I look forward to it but hate that I will not be enjoying the yummy food that will come along with it. But on the other hand, I am so close to my lowest weight and think that I should be even more motivated! Two more lbs and I will be in the 150's. I havent been in the 150's since college which was well over a decade ago. Since having children via c-secions and getting this *new body* I know that I wont look like I did back then but I am still excited. I have had a few people tell me that I dont have any more to lose. According to the BMI charts I have 15-20 more lbs to lose to be considered healthy. I again talked to my husband about what he thought and he agrees that I should keep going. My goal all along has been 150, even though I still am considered overweight by the BMI standards at that weight.

I feel the anxiety of my unexplained health situation coming back and somehow it has taken away a little of the excitement of losing on Medifast. There are some new symptoms, and some old ones that have revisited that get me concerned. But I am trying my best to have faith that it isnt serious because they havent found anythng yet. I am trying so hard to find comfort in that.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*Today my daughter had a mothers day event at her preschool. It was so cute. And there are always a lot of pictures taken and posted for everyone to see. When looking at them today, I realized that I didnt think "wow...I look fat". Now, I didnt exactly love how I looked but I did not pick at my weight like I have so many times in the past.

Today I am thankful for:
*my ambition to clean my house today! Its so much nicer to do when you are ambitious!

Spring

2011-05-05T08:20:00.001-04:00

Could it be that I woke up this morning to some sunshine?? We live in NY, near a huge lake and therefore cloud cover is much more common than sunshine, especially in winter and spring. Its one thing I noticed fairly quickly(along with the tons of lake effect snow) when we moved here. So, it was kind of a treat to wake up to the sun, especially with all the rain we have had this past month.

However, the hubs had to go to work pretty early today. Around 5:30 I hear him calling for me asking me to help him. I hopped out of bed immediately because I know him and he doesnt ask for help...ever. So I went into the bathroom and see that he has a tick on his leg. A deer tick...embedded with the red mark and all. I removed it and looked it up online, even though I knew it was a deer tick and what he needed to do. We have pulled many ticks off the dog and I have done my research. I finally convinced him that he needs to go to the dr right away and get specific anitbiotics. He finally agreed to go as soon as they opened. I am waiting to hear from him.

***Update: the hubs went and they gave him antibiotics just from what they could see on his leg. They sent the tick away for testing to see how long it was embedded but this will not determine if it had lyme disease. For now we need to watch the site on his leg for any changes. Please say a prayer. Thanks.
Today's reason for losing weight:
*Self confidence. Is there anything better than feeling good about yourself? It can overflow into other parts of our lives.

Today I am thankful for:
*having the opportunity to do Medifast. I had a friend give me some left over food she had and that has helped to make it financially possible. I am also thankful for my appetite that seems to have shrunken. This can be a tough plan if you are hungry. I am thankful that for the past few days I have been able to manage that.

The plan... (Jennifer)

2011-05-03T20:08:00.000-04:00

I have decided that I need to hit the gym and start toning my muscles.   Unlike intense cardio, weight lifting I can do while on Medifast. I should be taking advantage of my gym membership. So thats my plan. I look forward to getting back into the swing of things. Once summer comes and school is done for my daughter I plan to get back into the actual weight training classes they offer. I havent been able to go to them because the times conflict with school drop-off. Those classes were the ones that REALLY made me feel the muscles that I didnt even know I had. The classes were so tough that there were many times I literally could barely walk for several days after. This time I plan to use lower weights when starting to avoid that if at all possible.

So thats it. Thats the plan. Physically I still feel like something isnt right with my body. But I cannot put my life on hold like I have for the past several months(like 6). I am trying to have faith. And today I realized that by me doing Medifast and getting back into the gym that I am finally making an attempt to move on. I also realized that as of my last weigh in of 164.9 lbs that I am only 5 lbs away from my first goal...to get into the 150's. I have not been there since college more than a decade ago and I really look forward to it.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*to accomplish my goal and see the 150's! Its so odd how sometimes it feels like its impossible because I have been trying for soooo long to get there.   And other times it feels like its only 5 small pounds away and I am so close!   I much prefer to think of it being so close and feasible!! What's 5 lbs when I am already down 65 right? Thats the mindset I need to have to succeed. No more poor me negativity.

Today I am thankful for:
*I found a lump in my breast. I called the dr, got in right away and they did a sonogram right in the office. This literally all happened within 3 hours of me making the call. I am thankful that it turned out to be glandular tissue, and also that I was able to get some answers so quickly.  I really wish the whole healthcare system worked like this. But for now, I am thankful that it worked that way for me today!

A little shopping and my "big girl" mentality (Jennifer)

2011-05-01T20:23:00.000-04:00

I did a little shopping this weekend. Since I have lost some weight I have really begun to love shopping again. Its such a different experience to shop for "normal" sized clothing as opposed to the plus size clothes I used to have to wear. When I started Medifast a few weeks ago I would say I was comfortably wearing a size 14. And since its that time of the month for me I felt like I would be lucky to fit in a size 14 when I went shopping yesterday. I grabbed some things and despite how bloated and big I felt, only the size 12 stuff fit! There was one point when I held up a size 12 capris and put them down and said to my friend, "wow, these look really little". She grabbed them and threw them in our pile and told me I had to try them. So I did, and dont you know they turned out the be the best thing I put on!

Then there was another great experience. I walked by a cute pair of pants and they caught my eye. I went back to look at them and realized that they were a size 12, but that they were tapered on the bottom. That is not a good look on me... So I moved on and continued looking. A few minutes later I see this skinny girl looking at the pants. She picked them up and brought them into the dressing room. I almost fell over. I went running over to my friend and told her what I had saw and asked her how could it be that she is such a "little thing" and we were looking at the same size pants? This made me realize that I still struggle with a *big girl* mentality, even after losing so much weight. I look in the mirror and even though I have lost a large chunk of weight(65 ish lbs), I only see a smaller version of the *big girl* me. I still have an awful midsection with stretch marks and surgery scars. I still have a HUGE FUPA(the area below my belly button that literally hangs off the front of my body) that the doctors have clearly told me will only go away with surgery. It is very noticable. I still have cellulite on my legs. So, while I am a smaller version, I still see the same me. Does that make sense? I once showed a friend my FUPA and she said "wow, I didnt know you had that". I work very hard to hide it.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I cant wait to get below 160 and see what changes my body will have. 160 is the lowest I have gotten in this journey so anything below that is new territory. I cant wait!

Today I am thankful for:
* my friend who I went shopping with. True friends really are hard to come by so when I do, I am so appreciative.

Medifast week 2 results

2011-04-29T21:10:00.000-04:00

I ate more protein than "allowed" this week. I mentioned that even though my choices could have been worse that I have felt guilty for not following the plan to a T. The result: a loss of 2.3 lbs! Weigh in today was 164.9. I am happy to see this number but frustrated at the same time because this is not my lowest weight and I feel like I am redoing the hard work I did once already. Having said that, I am proud of myself though because this is a far cry from 233 which was my highest recorded weight. I had some intense cravings yesterday (pms) and I am also proud to have made it through that still on plan...even though I did try to talk myself into quitting Medifast! I am glad I recognized it. I feel much more in control of my appetite today luckily. I look forward to another week. Five more lbs would bring me to 159.9 and a new territory for me! I can't wait to feel the success of that! It feels so close and is keeping me motivated!

The only thing stopping me....

2011-04-27T08:46:00.001-04:00

After watching The Biggest Loser last night it seemed like those girls who are 160 to 170ish are so thin and dont look like they have another ounce to lose. Then I look at myself who is in the same range and see something totally different. I recently had someone tell me I should be happy with how I look and that I dont look like I have anything to lose. When I look in the mirror at 170ish pounds I see so much loose skin and cottage cheese. I know so much of this can be improved with toning and I am sure that I am capable of doing so while on Medifast. So, I think I will set that as my goal. I did the 30 day shred a few days back and literally could not have done another workout for the next few days I was so sore. But thats good! I need to stop being lazy. When I really think about it not exercising and eating extra on MF is just prolonging my current weight. It really isnt helping me to lose and get to my goal. The only thing that is stopping me is ME. I guess I have been thinking about it like this: If I am doing MF and giving up all sweets and lots of other stuff then I should be losing quickly and be happy with how I look. But I now realize that I need to do more than just the bare minimum. I need to follow the plan to a T. I need to be toning, etc. The weather is nice-ish lately so I should be out walking the dog at the very least! Sometimes it feels good to call myself out :)

Today's reason for losing weight:
*to tone up the loose skin and lose some of the cottage cheese. Again, I am realistic here. I know I will never look like a model but there is much room for improvement.

Today I am thankful for:
*my mother who is so supportive. I have been missing her so much lately(she lives a few hours away from me). Here is one of her comments on one of my recent posts:

Hi Jen, I was stunned by your willpower on Easter!! I never thought I would see such a thing from you, it just goes to show you that if you want something bad enought you'll dig deep down and go to the ends of the earth for it. You did it baby!! Thank goodness for your husband encouraging you because I would have said to go ahead and have a bite, it's Easter! I'll keep your stash for as long as you need! Love mom.

A sneak peak (Jennifer)

2011-04-25T17:34:00.000-04:00

After a struggle with the holiday this weekend and being on Medifast I couldnt resist a sneak peak on the scale this morning. Even though my weigh day is on Fridays, I wanted to know how I handled the weekend visiting my family(in the scales eyes). There were so many temptations and like I posted yesterday, I think I handled it pretty well despite not following the MF plan 100%. I aimed to keep my carbs in check. And apparently I did good because the scale said I was down another 1.5 lbs since Friday :) I definately needed to see that on the scale this morning!

Last night while everyone was feasting on ice cream cake, cookies and Italian pastries from the bakery, I made myself a cinnamon roll using the MF pancakes and some cream cheese. This is from Sandys website and I am so grateful to her! It made dessert time totally doable for me. I did, however, feel a little deprived because there were so many things in the the past few days that I would have eaten in the past. Its one thing to pass something up but to pass just about EVERYTHING up while everyone else is indulging kind of took a toll on me. How did I fight back? I took some of the leftover pastries and cookies and put them in a freezer bag and stuck them in the freezer....for a later date when I am not doing MF and can enjoy them...in moderation of course. Just doing this made me feel better. My family was laughing so hard as the freezer bag got bigger and bigger. It was pretty funny I admit. But I dont think there has ever been a canoli passed up by this girl...hehe. I know it probably looked like I was planning a future binge, but I feel like I have it under control to eat such yummy things in moderation. During dessert my grandmother made sure she told me what self control and determination I have. It felt good.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*to look in the mirror and feel proud of myself. And I must say that I think I am realistic in this thought. I know I will never have the body to wear a bikini or a size 4. But seeing progress again is what I am looking to achieve. It would be nice to lose some of the nastiness off the back of my thighs . Thats a perfect example of progress. I hope that day comes!

Today I am thankful for:
*My cousins thought of me when planning their next running event. They want to do a half marathon this summer. I know right now while on MF I cannot possibly train for a marathon of any sort but I thought it was so great that they think of me as a runner! And I will get back into running after my MF days. I dont know it there will be enough time at that point to train for a half marathon.

Week 1 Medifast results

2011-04-24T20:16:00.001-04:00

Just a quick post since I am using my new phone and it takes me forever! Results from week one... Down 5.5 on Friday morning! Weight: 167.2. But this holiday weekend with my family has been a struggle. But all in all I think I handled it pretty well. It definitely could have been way worse. I think I kept the carbs in check. But still, the feeling that I strayed even a little from plan is uncomfortable and I look forward to my normal routine again tomorrow. For those of you who celebrate Easter, happy Easter! I really enjoyed our family gatherings this year. :)

Why was I obese? (Jennifer)

2011-04-21T18:14:00.000-04:00

So tomorrow is weigh day. When I originally started Medifast over a year ago, I remember the first week seeming like it took forever. And although I have come up on some small challenges (and hunger) this week I really think I did fine. The week did not drag. I looked forward to my lean and green meals each night and really enjoyed my 5 MF meals throughout the day. Some things never change though because each time I had a MF meal I wished it were bigger! hehe. I love food and there is nothing more to it.

That leads me to this thought... How had I become obese for so long? I was not an overweight child. My mother always cooked healthy meals every night. When I started putting on weight I wasnt depressed or unhappy. I went to college and got up to 180. I thought at the time that was big. And for me who was at 160 before it was uncomfortable. So I joined Weight Watchers and got down to 152 or so. Then I met my husband. He is a big guy, but not fat. We both started gaining weight shortly after we started dating. I am convinced it was happy fat. Another downfall for me is that I discovered I love fast food. I rarely had it growing up. And once I got a taste of it, I wanted it all the time(and thats how I got a fatty liver I am sure!). I learned that fast food is quick, easy and cheap. And I believe that is what started my laziness.

It has been a fight to get out of that way of life. When I had children it was no longer about just me. They deserve the best start to life. They deserve healthy nutrition. And I have been working hard on that. I have switched to whole grains whenever possible. I even shop in the organic aisle at the store sometimes. I am trying new things. Now, if I could just get my husband on board... He doesnt think twice about giving them crappy sugary snacks. He, while he is no longer overweight, eats no veggies other than potatoes and very few fruits. I know he means well. He just doesnt see the harm in giving them crap or the benefits in giving them healthy things. Its something we are working on!

Today's reason for losing weight:
*to set a good example for my children.

Today I am thankful for:
*having lost the 65 lbs I have lost to this date. Although there is more to go I have come a long way.

Excitement (Jennifer)

2011-04-20T15:49:00.000-04:00

Excitement is something I have been needing lately. We havent taken a vacation in a while, or my weight loss kind of came to a standstill, I havent done much fun shopping, etc. So when my friend Karen told me about Sandy's blog and I checked it out...I got excited. There are so many recipes on there. Some are MF recipes and some are regular recipes. When I saw the MF recipes I got so excited to try them. And I am having a ball experimenting with it! There are recipes on her blog to make using the actual MF meals and also recipes for Lean and Greens. So today I made the cauliflower pizza. I was going to have it last night but didnt get home in time to make it. I have made this before and it is a favorite of mine, whether on Medifast or not. But Sandy's recipe varies slightly because you flip the *crust* and cook it longer and it actually becomes crusty...like crust!!! That was the one and only thing that I could possibly critique was the flimsy crust...but no more! Here is a pic or what I will be having for dinner:

Fresh out of the oven. She suggests using parchment paper for lots of her meals so I bought some and gave it a whirl. It made cleanup a breeze! I added some garlic and basil and yumm.... I ~~inhaled~~ ate 1/4 of the pizza before it made it to the fridge. I wanted to test to see if the crust really was crunchy. It was!!!!

Another amazing recipe I made from Sandys site was using the MF pancakes. I turned it into a muffin and added cream cheese on the top. It was sooooo delish and a new favorite of mine for sure. I am definately going to have to buy more pankcakes now that I have made this recipe. I am so thankful to have found her blog because it allows you to learn to make regular MF foods into some really delicious stuff! Who knew? I only wish I had this knowledge when I did the plan the first time around, even though I did great without!

Right now, I have some zucchini and yellow squash slices in the oven. I am baking them for about 4 hours at 200* and apparently that will make them crispy like chips. I added a little salt and garlic/basil powder. This, just like the cauliflower pizza, is something that I will eat when I am no longer on MF. Why not make healthy alternatives right? The recipe for this is also on her website.

Although right now most of my blogging is Medifast based, it wont continue to be like that. I am just using it right now to get back into my daily blogging. Because, honestly I dont feel I have had much to say lately. It feels good to get back into blogging. I dont get nearly the comments I used to get but thats okay. I know that as the weight loss starts again I will have so many more things to say.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I would like to wear a size 10 pants. Right now I am about 170 and I am in a 14, sometimes a 12. Although part of me wants to aim for a smaller size, I think for my build a 10 will be fine. If I get lower though...even better.

Today I am thankful for:
*actually being excited about doing Medifast. I really wasnt thrilled about it until I found Sandys website. It opened up so many more options for how to prepare foods. That makes a world of difference on this plan(in my opinion anyway).

Day 5 of Medifast (Jennifer)

2011-04-19T10:04:00.000-04:00

Today is day 5 of getting back on Medifast. Yesterday I had some extra protein to combat the hunger. I actually feel guilty about it though so I am going to try to be on plan 100% today. My plan is to have cauliflower pizza for dinner (yuuuum). I was able to sleep in this morning for a change, thanks to my hubs, so that means I didnt have my first MF meal until later than usual. That should help out with the hunger too. I knew the first few days would be hardest and I made it through them so I am not going ot beat myself up over extra calories and protein. Its not like I caved and had ice cream milk shakes with my kids and hubby last night. Although it was at that time that I started second guessing my choice to go back on Medifast. I wanted to snack. And the only reason I didnt is because my husband ordered food for me last week and I cannot waste it. We are not in a financial position to waste that kind of money. The food I currently have was given to me so cheating wouldnt have been so bad. But when we actually spend big money on it, it somehow becomes more a committment. And I am thankful for that!

Several months ago I blogged about how I had a fatty liver and my dr was concerned about it. Some of my liver functions were off and the ultrasound showed the fat on the liver. He told me to get the weight off before it was too late. He said it could be reveresed and the fat globules could be reabsorbed if I acted now. If not it could lead to end stage liver disease. Scary. That was more than three years ago. A few months ago, after seeing my dr for a followup (after losing 65 lbs) he ordered another ultrasound of my liver and some bloodwork. He told me to call him the next day for the results. I did, but the cranky lady who answered the phone said that if there was a problem he would have called me. I had my followup appt last week(he was not thrilled that the woman had not put the message through that I wanted my results). I was so excited to learn that the ultrasound showed NO fatty liver and my liver functions were totally normal! How exciting!!! Its one of those weight loss benefits that you cant see from just looking at someone. I left there so proud of my weight loss and that I was able to undo some of the damage I had done to my body by eating bad.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I have lost some of that boney look in my neck and chest area. I look forward to seeing that again!

Today I am thankful for:
*My husbands support in me wanting to do Medifast again. It really isnt in our budget but he made it happen for me. He might not be much of a romantic type but its these things that let me know that he loves me.

Like riding a bike... (Jennifer)

2011-04-18T08:59:00.000-04:00

Being on Medifast again is like riding a bike. Today is day 4 and although I am eating only the allowed foods, I have added a few extras to my serving sizes. A little extra chicken here, an extra few olives there, etc. But I have done this only because I know that the first few days are toughest and I wanted to make sure I got through them. I am trying to set myself up for success to get these last 20 lbs off. Like I have said in the past, if I get hungry, thats when I lose control of my eating. Plus, the last time I did Medifast I struggled with not enough calories for what my body needed, and my weight refused to budge after a while. So I figure if I am adding a few calories with the allowed foods for now I am not too worried about it.

It actually feels good to be on a "plan" and feel like I am heading in the right direction. I struggled for so long with calorie counting and exercise and just couldnt bust past that 160 mark no matter what I tried. So I backed off a little bit(or a lot) of the intense workouts and calorie counting and to my surprise only gained 5-10 lbs. And that is now the weight my body has accepted as normal for me as I have maintained around 170 for several months now. I actually take pride in that. The old me would have yoyo-ed until I eventually gained all of my weight back. But I havent. Not even close. And that in itself is a success for me.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*Health...plain and simple. We only get one body in this life. Its important to take care of it so it can perform at its best.

Today I am thankful for:
*Blogging has been such a helpful tool for me. I have met some amazing people, and there are even a few I wish I lived closer to so we could be real life friends. When I wasnt blogging every day, or even every week for that matter, I found myself missing something. I am glad to be back. Thanks to those of you who stuck around.

Day 2 of Medifast (again ) - (Jennifer)

2011-04-16T20:55:00.000-04:00

Today was day two of Medifast. I expected to be hungry the first few days, and I have been. But, its not anything I cant handle. This time around I feel more "prepared". Having done Medifast and successfully lost a large chunk of weight, I already know the ins and outs of the plan. I know which foods I like, what times to eat to curb my hunger, and I am thinking ahead for my lean and greens. I also expect the temptations that come my way and I am prepared to handle them. So, yes...I have been hungry here and there. But I am finding my second time on this plan to be easier. Maybe its because I know I only have twenty lbs or so to go. Or maybe its because for the first time in a while I feel like I am helping myself.

Thanks to all of you who have left such sweet and sincere comments. They are so appreciated.

Jennifer

Some decisions (Jennifer)

2011-04-14T20:07:00.000-04:00

I have made some decisions and some changes in my life. I have been so consumed with my health situation that I felt that some change was needed. My weight has remained about the same, around 170 lbs for several months now with very little effort. I am thankful that this seems to be my new weight that my body has accepted for me. It used to be 230 so 170 is fine with me! My eating has been awful, and although I have exercised here and there, it hasnt been with the excitement that I used to have.

Soooooo....after speaking with my friend Karen and my cousin Trish, I have decided to recommit myself to Medifast. They have recomitted themselves on their own and support is such a great thing on this plan. Medifast is how I got the majority of my weight off. And I have kept it off for over a year now. It was quite a thought involved decision that I didnt make lightly. Its an expensive plan and the last time I was on it I did not cheat even once. I am going to aim for 150lbs, maybe a little less. Then I will get back into my running. I will do some walking and weight training while on the plan, but I know from past experience that I cannot run while doing Medifast. I have learned that running makes me feel sick(nausea) because of the lack of carbs and calories on MF. And, running also burns too many calories for MF and puts my body into starvation mode and I am unable to lose weight. It took several weeks for me to figure that out.

Its time.

Its time to refocus my attention on something other than my health issues that still remain a mystery.

Its time to get the rest of this weight off and be get to my goal weight.

I look forward to this journey again. I am so thankful for the changes that Medifast made in my life the first time around. I went from an obese woman with little confidence to a capable, confident, more fit woman. There are no words to explain the difference.

A very honest and deep post (Jennifer)

2011-04-02T19:50:00.000-04:00

I feel like things have been a little turned upside down for me lately. I dont feel like I am depressed. Just frustrated and anxious. I havent been feeling well physically and have been to several dr appts over the last few months. They all have different thoughts and opinions and its been scary. Some have talked of biopsies, some say I am fine, and one even told me I had cancer while others have assured that was not the case, but no one seems to be on the same page as to whats going on. The bottom line is that I still dont feel good so something is going on!

Not having answers as to what is going on with me gives me a few different emotions. Part of me is glad because I would like to think if something serious was going on it would have been found by now. But part of me cant ignore how I feel and therefore I am frustrated by not feeling well. I have tried so many different medications of which none have helped, had so many scans(and probably more radiation than is healthy), and I am now in TMJ therapy as well. So far it hasnt helped but I am trying so hard to be hopeful that it will work soon! I dont feel confident that anyone has really pinpointed what is going on, and therefore I dont feel assured that I am okay. That lack of confidence is where my frustration and stress comes from I think.

I think about how just a few months ago exercising and losing weight to become a healthier me was a huge committment for me. My life had changed and I loved the "new me". I gave it all I had and was so dedicated. And now there is a shift. I am so frustrated by not feeling well and being so very scared(more so as the time goes on and my symptoms intensify) and I just want to put it behind me. I want to move past this. Part of me is so worried that there is possibly something serious going on that they just havent found yet. I have been so scared and have come up with some worse case scenarios which have only intensified my fears. My children are little. I want to be here for them for a long time and the thought of not being here petrifies me. And I want to grow old with my husband. These are things I hadnt really considered before. I just assumed I would. I have gone from a confident person to someone who now feels so scared.

I thank those of you who have been able to bear with me through this. I know it hasnt been my normal style of blogging. I want more than anything to get back to my weight and health committment! As of today, my weight is 171. Not too bad but not my lowest. I did manage a run in this beautiful sunshine today, and I got to use my Garmin running watch for the first time. My friend is training for her first 5k and we ran together. I ran at her capability. We did about two miles, mostly jogging and walking just a few times for a minute or two. It felt good to get out there and run. And even better, it felt awesome to bring the kids outside and play with them today. The love to play outside and it was a great time!

This was a deep and heartfelt post for me and I was hesitant about posting it. But I thought it might help to get it out. In the meanwhile I am going to schedule a massage for myself and try to think positive. I thank God everyday for my children, and my family. They are my sunshine and bring me such joy! Thank you to those of you who have been asking about me. It is greatly appreciated.

Consumed (Jennifer)

2011-03-23T13:09:00.001-04:00

I have been so consumed with how I havent been feeling good, and frustrated with the lack of answers. I think I hit a low and I hope I never feel that way again. Although I still dont have any answers I am learning to move on. I cannot and will not spend all of my time wrapped up in how I dont feel well and be consumed with worry. I have had several tests and its time to move on. Its time to focus on the positive!

I have been running here and there and it feels great. I went for a run when visiting my parents last weekend, despite the flurries that were falling! I didnt use my new running watch so I dont know the distance but it was an amazing feeling to get out there and accomplish a run. It was cold when I started but by the end I was fine. It was about a half hour so must have been about 2 and a half miles or so I am thinking. Not bad. And the park near my parents house is great for running which made it even better. There are special color coded paths and just a nice environment to be in. I dont have a place like that near our house that I am aware of. Its nice to think that when I go home to my parents house that I actually look forward to going out and having a great run. And going home to see "my people" is such a warm feeling. I find that I am getting homesick lately, even though its only two hours away. I am thinking its probaby from being couped up in this cold and snowy winter! We are supposed to get more snow today and some chilly weather for the next week but I hoping that will be it for the winter weather. One can hope right?

Today's reason for losing weight:
*Today I watched Margene's video on her blog. It is truly inspiring and really touched me. I had goosebumps and tears throughout the whole thing. If you havent already maybe stop by her blog and watch it. Its quite moving.

Today I am thankful for:
*My family. There are times when life gets hard and there are certain people you turn to. For me, its my family and God.

I did it! (Jennifer)

2011-03-10T20:23:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was feeling a little cranky and still not all that great. So I decided to fight back and get on the treadmill. I have to help myself where I can. I was hoping I could accomplish a 5k. I am not best friends with the treadmill and definately prefer to run outside. But this crappy weather hasnt made it possible yet. So I hopped on the treadmill knowing that a few weeks ago was my last run and it was about a mile and a half. I was pretty happy with that because before that I hadnt run in probably months. Well, I accomplished it. I set the treadmill on 5 mph which is leisurely for me and off I went. It was like I had something to prove and I did just that. 3.1 miles. And it felt good. It was that accomplished feeling I have been missing all winter while not running.

Today's reason for losing weight:
Health. Plain in simple. I want to be healthy for myself and my family. Wanting to be healthy has been weighing heavily on my mind lately.

Today I am thankful for:
*my husband who made a comment that running and exercise really does make a difference for me. Its kind of easy to *forget* that when you get away from it.

Waiting (Jennifer)

2011-03-04T21:09:00.001-05:00

Yesterday we went to visit some friends for dinner. They just happen to live in our old house. We sold our house, they bought it, and now we are friends. We hit it off the first time we met. They stayed and we talked for hours. Its odd, but true. So yesterday when we were getting out of the car in our old driveway, I noticed that some of the flowers I had planted a few years back were coming up!!! I was so excited to see that even though there was still several feet of snow most places, that there wasnt any on the edge of the house and the flowers were budding!

It got me thinking about how Spring *must* be around the corner even though the snow makes it feel impossible. The flowers wouldnt be coming up otherwise right? I havent done much exercise this winter, and I realize that I am forever talking about how I cant wait for it to be nicer out (40-50 degrees without snow or rain would be a real treat!) so I can get our running. I really have been waiting and waiting on the weather. Actually, I have been stalking the weather reports. And to me thats funny because when Summer gets here there will be days it will be too HOT to run and I will be complaining then too! haha. Anyway, this year is different from past years when I wanted spring to come so I could see some green, so I could sit on the deck, open some windows, enjoy longer days of light, or just to BBQ. While I am still looking foward for all those things, what I am really *waiting* for is to run. We had one day a few weeks ago that was nice and I was able to go for a run. It was awesome!!! Sometimes I will be in the car and a great song comes on and I think "I cant wait to go running!" I love running to some of my favorite upbeat tunes. It pumps me up!

So...I am offiicially welcoming Spring. Maybe that will hurry it along....hehe.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*to enjoy what I see in the mirror and feel proud of what I have accomplished. Lack of exercise and gaining a few lbs back has taken that joy away from me. Cant wait to get it back.

Today I am thankful for:
*finding my Ipod that I thought was lost! Whoo hooo! Nothing like running to some good tunes.

Its been so long! (Jennifer)

2011-03-02T18:24:00.002-05:00

Its been so long since I have been truly careful with what I put in my mouth for the whole day. And I found myself maybe even a little confused as to what to eat today. It used to come so easy to be healthy. I spent most of my pre-meal time today standing in front of the fridge and in the food cabinets asking what I had just bought at the store for $245. So, I pulled out my handy book which I used to log my calories into regularly to *remind* me of how I used to and should eat. I was so happy that I had kept track for so long. So obviously its going to take me a little while for it to feel natural to eat healthy again. But I really do look forward to it. And so far today, I think I have done pretty good. I wont count calories forever but at this stage in the game its important for me to remind myself what portion sizes should be and how certain foods work better for my body.

I thought about attempting a run today but it is so cold and windy out there. I want to start it back up on a positive step. That, and my little one had some kind of stomach bug this morning so we just hung out and took it easy. But I really look forward to that day when I can get out and have a great run!

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I realized that my weight loss and healthy living journey started at the end of last February. Wow...one year ago. Although I have had some bumps in the road it made me realize that all in all I have kept the most of my weight off and have maiintained pretty well. And even though I havent been paying much attention to diet and exercise for the past several months I DID NOT fail! I talked to my friend Teresa about this and she said my body has adjusted to this as my weight. Really? Could it be? So I am thinking that if I havent been eating the best and havent been exercising, then maybe I can really get some results now that I am? Its great motivation for me since I was at a plateau for several months in the 160's. Right now I am around 170ish.

Today I am thankful for:
*One of my newer friends asked me to do her first 5k with her in June. She never knew me when I was obese but she knows that I was. It dawned on me that she is much thinner than I am, and here she is looking up to me as a runner. Wow. That hit me hard for some reason. It remotivated me. And I should say that about two weeks ago we had a nice day of warm weather and I attempted a run. I assumed after all these months that my endurance would be gone and I would have to recondition myself all over again(when I first started running I couldnt even run 30 seconds at a time). I was totally surprised that I went a mile and a half with no problems. I could have went longer but not sure the dog could! I am going to work on conditioning her too. She deserves to be healthy too right?! Here she is sleeping with her toys with her tongue sticking out :)

Re-prioritizing (Jennifer)

2011-03-01T21:34:00.002-05:00

I thank you all for your comments and support along the way, especially these last few months. I have reached this point where I feel like enough is enough. I can no longer sit back and feel sorry for myself. I cant have pity parties, and I cant let my fear run me anymore. I was hoping I would come to this point! I have mentioned before how I have been having a hard time making it to the gym to work out with my change in schedule. I talked with my husband and we made some decisions together that will hopefully change my schedule and allow me to work out at the gym more often. I want to take my life back, to help myself in the ways I can.

I went back into my past blog posts and it made me remember how good I was feeling, both physically and mentally when I was working out. It was just what I needed! I went to the grocery store today and set myself up for success by having the proper foods in the house. I feel excited again. The weather is getting into the 30's and I can feel the excitement building within me as I watch the weather forecast for a nice day to plan a run. I am excited about blogging again.

The best way to put this is to say...I AM RE-PRIORITIZING! I deserve this...right? I wish it hadnt taken me so long but I am glad that I finally reached this mindset. It wont be easy. I have lost a lot of strength and muscle these past few months, but I accept this challenge. I know it is good for me. I thank you all for bearing with me along the way!

Today's reason for losing weight:
*to see the changes in my body again. Although I have gained about 10 lbs, its feels like tons more because of how my body has added those lbs. It seems like it should be way more based on how my clothes fit and how my curves arent quite curves anymore. I am lacking tone. I look forward to getting these back.

Today I am thankful for:
*making a decison that I was nervous about in order to make it possible for me to be successful. As guilty as I feel even saying it, I guess I put me first. I stressed over it for several weeks as the lbs kept creeping on. And I am thankful that I was capable of re-prioritizing.

A plan (Jennifer)

2011-02-28T20:00:00.002-05:00

My primary dr suggested a third opinion from yet another ENT...with a third diagnosis. And honestly, I am not sure I am buying that one either. I told him my *story* from start until now. He reviewed all of my scans that I brought with me. He said he is not concerned with my enlarged lymph node, and he also doesnt believe I need sinus surgery as the first dr suggested. He scoped my through my nose and down to my esophogus. This is the third time for this and I am sure my insurance will be having a fit at any time now. He said the top of my esophogus, my vocal cords, and my throat are all pretty irritated. Surprising? Nope. I have been feeling like crap for months. His opinion: Silent Reflux. I am having no heartburn which is why its called silent reflux apparently. It causes damage with different symptoms than regular reflux(gerd) and according to him takes a while to be repaired even with the new meds that I am on. He did however, tell me I could stop all the other meds I was on which was thrilling to me because before this I had been on no meds. Having been on so many different things that werent even working was not making me happy. I am not much of a mediciney kinda person. So, I am now on Prilosec and have been for the past week. The day I saw the dr I left there such a believer. I had hope. I just wanted to hug him. But as the days go by and I am not feeling any better I am starting to lose hope. My neck/throat/ear is still bothering me on the left side. It still feels like something is in there. And I still have that feeling like there is something in my left chest area like I cant clear my lung. I did have an angiogram (to rule out an embolism) so I would like to think that if something were going on in the lung area they would have seen it? And my primary dr keeps listening and saying everything sounds good in there. Then why do I feel this way?????????????????

So....my plan is to move forward. I cannot sit and dwell on this any longer. The temps are rising into the 30's here, and sometimes we even get a treat of seeing the 40's. Thats acceptable running weather (to me...although it is still snowing here and there)! So I am going to get back onto my health kick, eat properly, exercise more and stop feeling so bad for myself. No more wallowing in my frustration.

With all of this, I have been forced to look at what bothers me so much about this situation and here is what I have come up with... I am petrified that I have some sort of cancer that is being missed for all of this time and therefore spreading. I feel helpless. My biggest fear is becoming terminally ill. I wish it werent a fear of mine, but it is. If I drop dead of a heart attack, fine. Its not death I am afraid of I guess. But becoming terminally ill where I slowly die and cannot do anything to help myself is a huge fear for me. Now, if I could figure out how to combat that fear....

Another deep post....

Hope you all are doing well!

Thanks and an update (Jennifer)

2011-02-15T20:15:00.000-05:00

Thanks to those of you who have been "checking" on me. My weight loss and priorities have kind of been on hold these last few months. And I really didnt want to drag down the blog with my health issues...even though at this point I still dont know what they are exactly. So, I havent been posting that much to spare you all of the negativity and frustration I am feeling. But here is an update for those of you who have been asking. I have had 4 CT scans in the last month and a half. Please dont comment on that because that much radiation scares me without others saying it. I have been pretty stressed actually. The drs did speak (primary dr and ENT) to each other in making the decsion for the additional CT's I just had but their opinions from that point on dont seem to be the same.

I got a call from my primary the night I had them done and he said I have enlarged lymph nodes, and the scan, although not of the sinuses, did pick up on a sinus infection. I had a sinus CT done with my first ENT a month and half ago who I later found out did not take my insurance so I had to leave him. He wanted to possibly do surgery for a blocked sinus but wasnt sure this was what was causing my issue. Anyway, my primary dr said I also had bloodwork that came back concerning so I had to have more done which they said came back better. The lymph nodes dont surprise me because I have been saying for months that the left side of my neck, ear and throat feels swollen. It is relentless and scary for me. The further tests, he said, were looking for cancers and lymphomas and he said those came back okay. I had to wait several days for them....STRESS. The dr said the lymph nodes combined with the bloodwork, in his opinion, means that I am fighting an infection. However, I have been on(and still am right now) 4 rounds of pretty strong antibiotics since September so that I do not understand at all. If its an infection then why doesnt it go away with the antibiotics. And why doesnt the ENT seem concerned? He(the primary dr) thinks this is all sinus related as I have had this post nasal drip that wont go away since this all started. However, I do not have a stuffed nose. He gave me some antibiotics to put right into a neti pot to try to treat the sinuses directly. And in my opinion its not helping. I am also having pressure on the left side of my head, as well as my neck and ear. I am hoping it is just the post nasal drip causing the cough that I am having. I have been on tons of different meds and nothing seems to be working. This is extremely frustrating to me because before this I was not on any medicine and for the last 5 months I cant seem to get past whatever this is that is going on. I told the dr its ironic that I finally started taking care of myself, lost 65 lbs and now I am not feeling well.

So...then the ENT dr called me and said the scan looks fine overall and he doesnt need to see me until my next appt...a month away. What? The other dr just called and said I had enlarged lymph nodes, bad blood results, and a sinus infection. Yet he is not concerned? The primary dr said that to the specialist that isnt all that bad because they see the worst of the worst, and he will treat me until I get back to the ENT. So now I wait. For what I dont know. I will keep using the neti pot with the antibiotics and hope it starts working. I am just hoping we are barking up the right tree here. I am trying so hard to be patient. I just want to feel better and I hope that I do soon. I feel that I will have a new appreciation for life, and health, and my body if I can just get past this.

Please keep me in your prayers. And if anyone knows anyone who could possibly add a little insight to my situation I would be open to hearing it. There are no doctors in my family :(

I hope you are all doing well!

Todays weigh in (Jennifer)

2011-02-10T14:44:00.000-05:00

Today I hopped on the scale and it was different. It wasnt with hesitation, or nerves, or even excitement. It was more of a "lets see where I am at" thought. The verdict: 166. Not too shabby. Right in *my range* where I have been hanging out for several months, even when I was counting calories and exercising regularly. It kind of does excite me that when all this medical stuff gets out of the way and I can really pursue some intense exercise that my weight may really start to drop. I am happy with 166 right now. Of course its not my goal weight but it reassures me that mentally I am where I should be in the weight loss world.

A quick update (Jennifer)

2011-02-08T19:29:00.000-05:00

A quick update. I have not been paying too much attention to my eating and in an amazing way it feels great. There is no guilt and I am feeling like a "normal" person eating normal portions of normal food. Wow...I never thought that day would come. I havent been on the scale in a few days but the last I checked I was about 168. Still in my "my range".

I greatly look forward to the nice weather to begin my running and such again but right now that is not what's on my mind. I am still not feeling well and have been back to the dr. I have the new ENT and the new primary dr. The primary took my bloodwork and said my white count is a bit high and wanted me to have it redone along with some other tests. I went yesterday for that. Then he had a call with my ENT and they decided I needed two CT scans... yesterday. Yup, ordered them and I had them in the same day. I was a nervous wreck. I havent heard on the latest bloodwork but my dr himself did call me last night at 6:00 with my preliminary CT results. He said my lymph nodes are enlarged on the left side. I kind of knew that since I havent felt good in that area in months... He also said that although they did not scan my sinuses again it did pick up on a sinus infection. I have been on 4 rounds of antibiotics and I am even on them now so I do not understand this. I am hoping that is what is causing all my my issues. I am forever clearing my throat and have awful post nasal drip on top of all of this. I am going to call my ENT tomorrow to make sure he got the CT results and see what is next. Obviously the antibiotics are not working for me. I dont want to be a pain in the butt to them but I dont want to wait until my next appt which is scheduled sometime in March.

I pray all of this gets worked out soon so I can be on my way to a healthier me. Yesterday I was praying to God and I had this realization about what is important in life. An epiphany? Health is important. Family is important. Self love is important. It made me realize that I cannot sweat the little things in life and let them get me down. I need to stop and smell the roses so to speak. I found myself asking God to make me better and telling Him that I have learned my lesson and that I will be much more appreciative in life. I hope I do get better and past whatever this illness is so I can move on in my life as a much healthier person, both body and mind.

Wow. That was deep. Thanks to you all for your continued support and kindness. I apologize for the lack of blogging but I figured most people dont want to hear about all this medical drama on my weight loss blog so I figured I would keep it at a minimum.

Normal (Jennifer)

2011-02-01T20:54:00.000-05:00

My friend gave me the rest of her Medifast food which was very nice of her. The only problem is that I didnt get it until Monday...and the inlaws came to stay with us this weekend. Those of you who read regularly know that this is such a struggle for me. I like when they come because I love to have company, but my MIL brings so much yummy, and definately healthy food with her...every single time She is diabetic, yet doesnt seem to pay much attention to it :(    Anyway, the first day I did okay. I stayed on plan and all was well even thoug I did struggle. Day 2 came and I totally caved. Now...I am the first to admit to my failures, but in this case I really have to say that a huge part of this was not having many MF foods that are appealing to me, or still in date for that matter.

However, I got on the scale this morning and saw that I am still at 170.6. Not my lowest but I didnt gain any of the weight I lost on MF for those few days :)   So, now I have some MF foods that I like and I am in debate about what to do with them. I know I want to use them. I am thinking that instead of doing the plan 100% that I might use them as my daily foods (about 500 calories or so) and then eat a nice dinner(not a restricted one as on plan) and also exercise. I say this because yesterday I went to the gym and it was great. I felt great all day. So, I am thinking of doing a modified type plan. Most of the foods I have I like so it wont be an issue there, and I dont see any harm in eating them, regardless of whether I am on any plan, because they are so packed with vitamins and minerals.

While thinking about this today I had a comforting feeling come over me. I felt like I am capable of eating well and that I am at no risk of going back to the Old Jen and the old eating habits. It was very comforting to feel that.   Plus, my husband said something last week to me while I was in debate whether I should continue MF. He said that I have come so far and that I can eat the way I want to within reason and if I exercise it will be okay. I can indulge here and there while still making good eating choices most of the time. Exercise is the key he said. And he is right. That has been the missing variable for so many years. Although I may have struggled over the past few months when I step back and look at the big picture I see that I have been living life and really havent done too bad! Normal peoples weight fluctuates a few pounds. Normal people indulge a little during the holidays. Normal people can indulge and then eat well again for the next meal. Maybe I have become normal? Could it be? What wasnt normal was the Old Jen who indulged every single day of life at every single meal. Wow...this is pretty eye opening for me.

Still not feeling great...going to start all the meds the dr gave me(5) tomorrow-including more steroids. I am praying that something works and we can get this figured out. Thanks to you all for your kind comments along the way. It really means the world to me.