Thursday, June 28, 2012

I am back

Its been a while.  Its not a surprise that when people disappear from Blogger that there is often a reason.   And although I have sworn there is no wagon to fall off of because this has been a lifestyle change, I was wrong.  I totally fell off the wagon.  I lost my grip and my control over my eating.

I was offered a part time job doing something that I really like! It works well around my husbands crazy schedule which is so important because we do not have family where we live.  Ahhh....where we live.  We sold our house.  The closing and moving day was supposed to be Friday.  Except apparently the lawyers (of all people) are not respecting the date on the contract.  So we are in a holding pattern with no actual date to move.  So we sit staring at our boxes and living off what is not yet packed.

I have been thinking about some things.  My girls are 4 and 5 and have tantrums like I am sure every little kid does.  Maybe it just seems worse because there are two and they play off each other.  We dont give into the tantrums yet they still happen. We are now using a technique I have read about in a book that seems to be working well.  My point is that the things they tantrum over are usually material things.  It dawned on me that we need to simplify our lives.  They dont need 15 pairs of shoes each.  I believe choices for children are essential but can also be limited.  With much of our stuff packed and fewer choices, there are fewer tantrums.  Amazing right?  Also,  I do not want to raise spoiled children.  I want to teach my children to be appreciative.  Parenting is always a work in progress.  I am loving it.

As for my weight.  I have lost the grip I had.  I have spun out of control.  I am right back up over 200 lbs where I started.  The difference is that I know that I can get back down to where I want to be because I have been there once.  I have started running again.  It was like starting from scratch and extremely frustrating.  I ran a half marathon in October and couldnt run a mile when I started running again!  I had to remind myself of all the advice that I have given to others over the past few years.  Starting is the hardest part and it does get better!  Once I trained to complete a mile it got better.  I feel strong and happy when I complete a run.  Although my body is unhappy running with all this extra weight.  When I see pictures of myself I am disgusted again, yet reminded that there was a time when I was proud of the weight I had lost and could see the accomplishment in the pictures.  I am disgusted when I put a bathing suit on, but also remember that a year ago I was much more comfortable and less embarassed.

I want to get back there.  However, there is an ounce of positivity here.  At this weight a few years ago before I became fit, I would have been in a size 20/22.  I am currently in a 16 even though I am at the same weight.  So its obvious that there are lasting changes and that not all of my hard work has been undone.  My FUPA feels and looks huge again.  But I find peace in knowing that I can reduce the size with hard work.  I hadnt realized just how much smaller it had gotten when I was fit.  I am clearly reminded now that it is back and huge.

This has been a struggle.  There are ups and downs.  I am in a down.  I love food.  And I need to re-love exercise again.

I hope you all are doing well.  I will spend some time trying to catch up on all of the goings on!  Please feel free to leave me an update.  I would love to hear!  Also, on a side note....I unfortunately had to add word verification onto my blog again because I was getting 20+ spam comments a day.  It was just too much.