Thursday, June 28, 2012

I am back

Its been a while.  Its not a surprise that when people disappear from Blogger that there is often a reason.   And although I have sworn there is no wagon to fall off of because this has been a lifestyle change, I was wrong.  I totally fell off the wagon.  I lost my grip and my control over my eating.

I was offered a part time job doing something that I really like! It works well around my husbands crazy schedule which is so important because we do not have family where we live.  Ahhh....where we live.  We sold our house.  The closing and moving day was supposed to be Friday.  Except apparently the lawyers (of all people) are not respecting the date on the contract.  So we are in a holding pattern with no actual date to move.  So we sit staring at our boxes and living off what is not yet packed.

I have been thinking about some things.  My girls are 4 and 5 and have tantrums like I am sure every little kid does.  Maybe it just seems worse because there are two and they play off each other.  We dont give into the tantrums yet they still happen. We are now using a technique I have read about in a book that seems to be working well.  My point is that the things they tantrum over are usually material things.  It dawned on me that we need to simplify our lives.  They dont need 15 pairs of shoes each.  I believe choices for children are essential but can also be limited.  With much of our stuff packed and fewer choices, there are fewer tantrums.  Amazing right?  Also,  I do not want to raise spoiled children.  I want to teach my children to be appreciative.  Parenting is always a work in progress.  I am loving it.

As for my weight.  I have lost the grip I had.  I have spun out of control.  I am right back up over 200 lbs where I started.  The difference is that I know that I can get back down to where I want to be because I have been there once.  I have started running again.  It was like starting from scratch and extremely frustrating.  I ran a half marathon in October and couldnt run a mile when I started running again!  I had to remind myself of all the advice that I have given to others over the past few years.  Starting is the hardest part and it does get better!  Once I trained to complete a mile it got better.  I feel strong and happy when I complete a run.  Although my body is unhappy running with all this extra weight.  When I see pictures of myself I am disgusted again, yet reminded that there was a time when I was proud of the weight I had lost and could see the accomplishment in the pictures.  I am disgusted when I put a bathing suit on, but also remember that a year ago I was much more comfortable and less embarassed.

I want to get back there.  However, there is an ounce of positivity here.  At this weight a few years ago before I became fit, I would have been in a size 20/22.  I am currently in a 16 even though I am at the same weight.  So its obvious that there are lasting changes and that not all of my hard work has been undone.  My FUPA feels and looks huge again.  But I find peace in knowing that I can reduce the size with hard work.  I hadnt realized just how much smaller it had gotten when I was fit.  I am clearly reminded now that it is back and huge.

This has been a struggle.  There are ups and downs.  I am in a down.  I love food.  And I need to re-love exercise again.

I hope you all are doing well.  I will spend some time trying to catch up on all of the goings on!  Please feel free to leave me an update.  I would love to hear!  Also, on a side note....I unfortunately had to add word verification onto my blog again because I was getting 20+ spam comments a day.  It was just too much.



Kelly said...

Jennifer, I am soooo happy to see you are back! I missed you and wondered about you. Let's get back on this thing and do it already! Love you.

Jac said...

I had subscribed to your blog not long before you stopped posting. Over the same period of time, I lost my grip on my healthy eating, stopped working out, and regained some of the weight I had worked so hard to lose. In the last week I've really put the brakes on, and so far I've lost 4 of the pounds I'd regained. It's true what you said about this time I *know* I can do it, because I've done it once before! I wish you lots of success, positive thoughts, and mostly the ability to be kind and gentle with yourself as you move closer to your goals again.

Enz said...

Looking forward to hearing your updates :)

sam said...

Hi Jen, started reading ur blog yesterday and finished it today....and was very sad to see ur last post in March. I logged on by chance tonight...and was so excited to see ur post today. I've loved reading and identifying with you right thru everything!
I've done this so many times...and i keep punishing myself...i just want it over with...The weight needs to come off and i need that self confidence back and i need my happy healthy life back!!
I’ve been waiting, hoping, procrastinating, anticipating a return to my new body and self, like you I have lost a lot of weight (66 lbs) before and know I can do it!! Just dunno what I’m waiting for? The guilt is driving me crazy, but I’m not motivated and it’s just so hard…and I continue to eat the wrong stuff and exercise is just not happening…although the last week I have had the flu!
I look forward to your next post’s

Mom to the Fourth Power said...

Yay... welcome back! Wow, you are moving? ARe you moving close or farther away? That is huge, and I hope it goes well.

You are spot on about the material things. I think the argument/tantrums get bigger as they get older, but I too, do NOT want spoiled children. It's a work in progress. I'm learning that NOT giving my children everything they want is actually loving them MORE.

I'm sorry about your weight gain, but happy that you know what you need and want to do. And that hopefully it hasn't affected your self-worth! You are a rockstar, and even rockstars have to never give up and keep pluggin' away!

But I hear ya on the food!!
Keeping thinking positive and drive those negative thoughts AWAY.

Much love,

PS - I'm getting tons of spam too, and may add WV again... grrrr

Shelley said...

Welcome back. I know it's hard to be back in this place, but by blogging about it, you're helping others to stay strong. It's NOT easy, this whole weight-loss/keeping it off thing.

Debsdailylife said...

JEN!!!!!!!! I wondered what happened to you!! and if you sold your house! So glad to see you bsck!!!

Sarah said...

Welcome back. I did miss your blog and I am so glad to see you writing again. For me it is like getting on the scale. Good or bad I have to face it and that helps me keep a grip on it and not lose all control.

E's Kitchen said...

Thanks for sharing! Its hard to get back into it but you WILL do it! Good Luck!

Sheryl C. said...

I'm a new follower and having my own struggles, but I am rooting for you! We can all work on this together!

God Bless!


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Mathias said...

What I love the most with your personality is that you are a positive thinker. Despite the fact that you've gained a lot of weight, you still have the fire and the desire to make things right. That's a trait that is just in your nature as a person. I know you'll be able to pull off the trick again. Good luck! :)