Thursday, June 28, 2012

I am back

Its been a while.  Its not a surprise that when people disappear from Blogger that there is often a reason.   And although I have sworn there is no wagon to fall off of because this has been a lifestyle change, I was wrong.  I totally fell off the wagon.  I lost my grip and my control over my eating.

I was offered a part time job doing something that I really like! It works well around my husbands crazy schedule which is so important because we do not have family where we live.  Ahhh....where we live.  We sold our house.  The closing and moving day was supposed to be Friday.  Except apparently the lawyers (of all people) are not respecting the date on the contract.  So we are in a holding pattern with no actual date to move.  So we sit staring at our boxes and living off what is not yet packed.

I have been thinking about some things.  My girls are 4 and 5 and have tantrums like I am sure every little kid does.  Maybe it just seems worse because there are two and they play off each other.  We dont give into the tantrums yet they still happen. We are now using a technique I have read about in a book that seems to be working well.  My point is that the things they tantrum over are usually material things.  It dawned on me that we need to simplify our lives.  They dont need 15 pairs of shoes each.  I believe choices for children are essential but can also be limited.  With much of our stuff packed and fewer choices, there are fewer tantrums.  Amazing right?  Also,  I do not want to raise spoiled children.  I want to teach my children to be appreciative.  Parenting is always a work in progress.  I am loving it.

As for my weight.  I have lost the grip I had.  I have spun out of control.  I am right back up over 200 lbs where I started.  The difference is that I know that I can get back down to where I want to be because I have been there once.  I have started running again.  It was like starting from scratch and extremely frustrating.  I ran a half marathon in October and couldnt run a mile when I started running again!  I had to remind myself of all the advice that I have given to others over the past few years.  Starting is the hardest part and it does get better!  Once I trained to complete a mile it got better.  I feel strong and happy when I complete a run.  Although my body is unhappy running with all this extra weight.  When I see pictures of myself I am disgusted again, yet reminded that there was a time when I was proud of the weight I had lost and could see the accomplishment in the pictures.  I am disgusted when I put a bathing suit on, but also remember that a year ago I was much more comfortable and less embarassed.

I want to get back there.  However, there is an ounce of positivity here.  At this weight a few years ago before I became fit, I would have been in a size 20/22.  I am currently in a 16 even though I am at the same weight.  So its obvious that there are lasting changes and that not all of my hard work has been undone.  My FUPA feels and looks huge again.  But I find peace in knowing that I can reduce the size with hard work.  I hadnt realized just how much smaller it had gotten when I was fit.  I am clearly reminded now that it is back and huge.

This has been a struggle.  There are ups and downs.  I am in a down.  I love food.  And I need to re-love exercise again.

I hope you all are doing well.  I will spend some time trying to catch up on all of the goings on!  Please feel free to leave me an update.  I would love to hear!  Also, on a side note....I unfortunately had to add word verification onto my blog again because I was getting 20+ spam comments a day.  It was just too much.


Thursday, March 8, 2012

My ultimate reward...

I knew that choosing a reward to get me to goal is a must for me.  And I knew this reward would have to be something that would really push me.  I have gotten down to 160 in the past and that is as low as I could get my body to go.  So...after much thought I decided that when I get into the 150's, even if it is 159, I am going to get a.......


Think what you will, judge if you must, but my FUPA is quite big and  literally hangs off the front of my body.  My zipper of my jeans cuts into it daily leaving a vertical line making it look like a butt.  And actually there is not much feeling to some of it and its always cold.  It makes me uncomfortable, and self conscious every single day.  If I dont wear a bathing suit with a skirt my fupa literally sits on my legs and leaves tan marks :(  This may be too much info for some, but its the truth.

I have done some reasearch about the surgery and have seen some before and after pics.  It was actually comforting to see that others have this "condition" and that the after results are good.  I dont ever plan to wear a bikini.  Thats not my goal.  But if I can get rid of the self consciousness then I am all for it.  I know it wont be cheap, or painless.  But I have been on this journey for a long time and I really need something to push towards.  My thinking is if we have taken loans out for a boat, work on the house, etc, then I am worth taking a loan out for too...  But I have to work hard to get to that point!!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

WW week one results

I am down 4.2 lbs after my first week of WW.  I used my weekly allowance points and I will continue to do so for now.  It allows me to feel less deprived. Yesterday my girls made whoopie pies.  I allowed myself to have one and tracked it.  I still find myself surprised by how much food I was eating a day.  Something that was like 10 points I would have two or three of in a sitting and that is all the points I get a day!  I have also learned to use fruit as a filler and to try to stay ahead of my hunger.  Once I get hungry I seem to lose control.

I have not been exercising much because I am trying to let my knee and foot rest.  Yup, my foot now too.  I have no idea what is going on so I figured it was best to not put stress on it for now.  The weather will be getting nice soon (I hope) and I want to be able to get out and run.  So I am trying to rest up and get some weight off so its less stress on my knee and foot. 4.2 lbs is a start!

I have been doing some thinking about my end goal.  What do I want it to be?  And I have also decided that when I reach that goal I am going to give myself a reward.  I will wait until another post to share it but its a biiiiiig reward that really has me excited to get to my goal!!!

Sunday, March 4, 2012

So glad so many people can relate

It was so heartwarming for me to read the responses on my last post.  I was surprised that so many people can relate.  I was really feeling like maybe something was wrong with me.  But it was great to realize that there are other people out there with the same struggles as me and that I am not alone.  And while I still dont really understand *why* I love food so much I know I am not alone. 

I treated Saturday like a free day and surely used up my extra 49 allowance points..  But they, thats what they are for. For me its about not feeling deprived and WW even says that is so important to achieve success.  And I know I should have counted every single thing I ate that day but I didnt.  But it was back to tracking today and it felt good.

Yesterday the sweets were calling to me.  I tried drinking more water so my belly would get full but I swear those chocolate cookies on the counter were calling me and the cheesecake in the fridge was too.  At home I try not to keep too many temptations in the house but we were at a friends house and they do not struggle with overweightness.  And again I was wondering why I am so different.    How come they can have those things in the house and be thin and I cant?  Not sure why this has been bothering me so much over the past few weeks.

Our house is for sale and we had a showing yesterday.  Do you have ANY idea what it is like to get your house ready to show?  Well maybe for some people its no big deal(and trust me I have seen some houses where people just dont care) but for me it means spotlessness.  Everything has to have a home.  I swear my house looked like it should have been on HGTV.  We dont have a house to move into yet so I am a little indifferent to selling right now.  There is so much crap out there that is overpriced.  It makes us second guess moving since we remodeled our house to make it what we want it to be.  Supposedly the people liked it but need to sell their house first.  Same story here.  But there is nothing out there that we love right now.  We want acreage(like lots), a house with enough living space,reasonable taxes (which seems impossible in this state), privacy, yet convenience to what we need and not too far from our friends.  We love our current house but dont have the acreage or as much privacy as we would like.

I have been praying about making the right decision.  I was hoping this past showing would lead us in the right direction.  I know its not quite the season for buying/selling.  So for now we will just keep on praying.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

This was hard for me to write

I am still in awe of how much food I have been eating for the past several months.  It really has me thinking and questioning myself.  If what/how I am eating on WW is considered "normal" then why do I always want more of everything?   Why do I always think about food?

Growing up we rarely ate out.  My mom worked full time yet still always had a healthy homecooked meal on the table each night.  It wasnt until I was in high school that I started eating fast food but only here and there(I worked at a mall).  Then in college there was so much freedom and I ate the crappiest food.  I remember seeing all these skinny girls working out and eating salad all the time yet they were the big partiers too.  I remember going to the dining hall and getting grilled cheese and dessert and then going to the school store where I could use my meal card to buy anything in there including cookies, chips, sweets, etc.  But even then I wasnt that overweight.

But somewhere along the line I learned to really love food.  Especially fast food.   And to this day I still love it.  I could eat McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell, or Wendys at any given time.  I am always hungry for something from these places.  Even when we would go to a nice dinner it is so tempting for me to order the greasiest, fattiest things. 


Why do some people not love food like I do?  I  have friend who go all day and dont think of eating until their stomach says its time.  Why do I get excited when its time to eat and always look forward to the next meal?  When we get an invite somewhere I wonder what kind of food they will have.  I have always thought that I didnt have an unhealthy relationship with food and that I just like it.  But now I am wondering if I was wrong.  Everyday is a battle for me when it comes to food choices.  Is it a mental thing that I have it set in my head that those things are yummy?  Its not like I binge eat, but I do recognize that I have a embarrassingly large appetite and make unhealthy food choices because they seem to taste best to me.  I dont feel like I eat to make myself feel better, I just LOVE food. It tastes yummy.   Some people love scrapbooking, or baseball, or jewelry...I love eating.  I just wish I loved eating carrots and lettuce instead of big fat juicy hamburgers and high calorie sweets.

For some reason this post was embarrassing for me to write.  Maybe its the possibility that something is wrong with me instead of me just passing it off as I like to eat.  Or maybe because I am realizing that it more a struggle for me than I thought.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Trusting my own advice

Yesterday I decided to join WW.  I joined online in the morning at a starting weight of 202.  Its so disappointing to be up over 200 again.  I chose WW because I really do think it will teach me portion control and how to manage everyday eating.  I decided I no longer want to do this plan or that plan that I know arent sustainable for life.  And after just day one I realized just how much food I didnt eat compared to every other day when I am going solo.  I swear I must have been eating at least 4x the amount of food throughout the day, every day.  Hopefully my appetite will shrink over time.   For a person who really loves food its a daily struggle to eat healthy and in proper portions.  I love the WW app on my phone.  It will take some time to get used to it but with time it will get easier I think.

Yesterday I got on the dreadmill and did a preset workout for 30 minutes.  There was no running at all.  Just walking between 2.5 and 3.5 mph at various inclines.  I was surprised how much it took out of me.  I even had to stop a few times to catch my breath.  This is mortifying for me.  And then today I decided to take the dog out for a walk/run.  Even though I usually have a rule that it must be at least 40* out I decided to go even though it was only 34*...burrrrr.   I made it a half a mile when the snow started falling and kept getting steadier.  Again, huge disappointment with how much stamina and endurance I have lost in just 4 months.  But I am super excited to know that it will come back soon with all of my efforts!

And then it hit me.  I remembered why people (including myself at one time) hate running.  They see it as this awful thing.  And they are right.  If you arent conditioned, or are just starting out, it can feel pretty grueling.  But what most people dont know is that it gets sooooooo much easier and even enjoyable!  It made me remember that I have given this advice over and over again when approached about how to become a runner:  1)you will be shocked how fast your endurance builds  2) training to get through the first mile seems to be the hardest 3)soon it will be a thoughtless enjoyment of "me time" to think or to listen to some awesome tunes. 

So now its time to take my advice and trust myself.  So many people have come to me asking how they could become a runner too.  And I was always so excited to give my thoughts because I truly stand behind them.  Todays run wasnt easy but I did get out there and do it, and its all part of the process.  As much I want to, I cannot expect my body to go out and run the way it used to with an added 40 lbs and being de-conditioned by my laziness over the past several months.

Every choice does matter.  Each one is part of the bigger picture.  Each choice is like a piece of the puzzle that will be a success when its all put together.  Its up to me how quick I put it together.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Things I miss

I was about this close to reordering Medifast food yesterday.  But before I processed my order I went through my old Medifast posts from when I first started the blog.  The first week was a huge loss of 10 lbs and every week after that I lost like 1.5 lbs average.  It just seems like a lot of money and a drastic way of eating to lose a lb a week and not be able to exercise.  My weight loss slowedand sometimes even stopped with exercise when I did that plan. 

I miss being proud of my weight loss when I look in a mirror.  I miss wearing a size 12.  I miss feeling good.  I am pretty sore these days. My body is not happy at this weight.  I miss feeling good about myself.  I miss feeling less self conscious.  I cant even imagine getting in a bathing suit right now to get on our boat we bought last year.  I miss shopping for cute clothes. 

The only thing stopping me from all the things I miss is ME. 

My husband keeps telling me to exercise. The last thing I feel like doing with my sore bodyis exercising.  Be he is right.  And I need to get over this confusion of what to eat, especially when I dont know the calories of something like a complex meal that I cant just look up online. 

So I whipped out my WW stuff and will use that as a guideline.  I think it will help.  WW runs pretty much along the same lines as calorie counting except I get free fruit :) 

I feel like I am grasping at so many options over the past weeks.  But I really need to help myself out here. I am so unhappy at this weight.  Only I can fix it.  The warm weather is coming and I need to have a plan in place NOW so when its boat time I am not refusing to wear a bathing suit.  Also, all of my warm weather clothes are size 12.  I will having nothing to wear if I dont do something now! 

I need to get some things at the store!

Sunday, February 26, 2012

A bit disappointed

A week of watching what I am eating and the scale hardly budged.  That is odd for me.  Having been a yoyo dieter for so long, I expected the dramatic drop in calories to produce a pretty hefty weight loss the first week.  I am not sure what happened that it didnt.  I havent been exercising much because my knee is sore.  But I am going to have to find something that does irritate my knee.  And actually, when I ran last week that didnt seem to bother it.  So I may do one of the preset workouts on the treadmill until it gets warmer out.  Those preset workouts always seem to make me sweat!  I am not going to give up.  I dont like how my body feels or how it looks right now.  And its amazing how much it affects my self esteem.  Even though I may not have lost much last week I felt better about myself for trying.

The warmer weather will be getting here soon.  I dont want to feel as self conscious as I do now.  I want to fit in my size 12's that are in the tote under the bed waiting for me.  So I better get to it!!!  I guess its time to listen to the hubs who is forever telling me that exercise is the key. 

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Doing what works for me

Over the years I have taken many routes in the diet department in an attempt to lose weight and get healthy.  I have done Medifast, Weight Watchers, counted calories, Body for Life, South Beach, Atkins...etc.  I am sure there are more but those were the biggies.  I have learned a lot along the way, and I have pulled the things out of each plan that have worked for me. 

Medifast taught me to eat 5-6 smaller meals a day. It also taught me to make sure I am taking in enough carbs if I am going to attempt cardio exercise or else I will feel sick.

Weight watchers taught me portion sizes and pretty much runs along the same lines as calorie counting.  It has also taught me to journal my food so nothing is forgotten.  I am always shocked at how much more I eat when not "counting".

Calorie Counting never ceases to amaze me.  The calories add up soooo fast and it becomes quite clear why I struggle with my weight. 

Body for Life taught me a lot.  First, I finally understand the difference between simple and complex carbs.  I also learned that protein keeps the hunger away and that removing simple carbs (sugary foods) totally keeps my cravings away. This was a huge discovery for me.  It changed my whole feeling of hunger.  Hungry and craving something is much different than my tummy growling to remind me to eat. Is that what people who dont love food like I do feel?  Body for Life also promotes one "free" day a week which helped keep me on track the rest of the week.  It also promotes a lot of intense weight lifting to get good results.

Atkins and South Beach were not for me.  I need something that is more of a lifestyle change.  Although I did learn a lot about which foods have carbs and which dont.


I came up with a plan that I think will work well for me.

I am tracking my food daily. 
I drink tons of water like I always do.
I eat 5-6 meals a day to prevent hunger.
I have increased the protein in my diet to prevent hunger.
I aim for 1200 calories a day and give myself one free day a week-in moderation.
I attempt to stay away from sugary foods(simple carbs)  to prevent and avoid cravings***key for me!!!
When the knee feels good I will run and lift weights as I enjoy both.

I am impressed at how educated I have become over the years.  And I can finally say that I dont feel like a failure at any of these plans, although I am not at my goal weight.  I really learned a lot and took the useful stuff out of each of them.  Like I said before, learning how to keep cravings and hunger away is key for me.

I would love to hear your thoughts!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

How is it possible...

How is it possible that just four months ago I ran a half of a marathon and I felt better than I did after my one mile run today?  And can I even call it a run?  I had to STOP....twice ....during the run.  I didnt expect to have to stop at all during a "simple mile".  It was far from simple.  My body has lost so much since I stopped running and put on weight.  I do have a slight cold (my very sweet husband tried his best to convince me that this was part of the problem), but that its  just an excuse. Its just a stuffy nose.   My lungs hurt, like actually hurt.  I was out of breath, panting like I had been running uphill for miles or something.  How could I have let my body get this way?  

But........I am so glad that I remembered how it was when I first started running about two years ago.  It was this same feeling.  I couldnt run for very long.  There was little enjoyment.  But as time went on my body became conditioned and running became much easier and even fun!  I would rarely get out of breath and learned to pace myself.  My body became firmer. I never imagined my body would be conditioned to run miles and miles.  And, because I KNOW my body is capable of this and that running WILL become easier I will stick through it during this beginning and tough stage.  I feel so blessed to have the benfit of knowing this. 

The reason for my run today:

Although I had planned to run with my friend this morning, she was not feeling well and was not able to.  So, I admit that I was going to ditch the idea of running today.  Instead I went shopping with another friend...which proved the be the best thing I could have done today apparently.  I tried on a ton of things.  All the coats were too small.  Even the XL's.  There were so many cute coats I missed out on that once would have fit.  And then there was the dressing room.  Have my mirrors at home been telling me lies everyday?  In the dressing room any ounce of denial I had(and clearly there must have been some) has completely disappeared.  Every flaw I have was very evident in that mirror.  I tried on a pair of 14 jeans that didnt even make it up to my hip.  It felt like I was trying to squeeze into a size 2.  My stomach rolls made every shirt look unappealing,  my arms the biggest I have seen them, and my boobs looked sloppy.  Lets not forget the was there and my zipper was unattractively pressing tightly into the middle of it making it look like I had a left fupa and a right one.   And then came the bathing suits.  Shoot.. may as well add to the REALITY of what my body REALLY looks like, right?  I decided then I would run as soon as I got home.

Talk about a wake-up call.  It was harsh.  But it put me right where I need to be.  What I eat DOES matter and lack of exercise DOES make a difference.  I did this to myself.  There are no excuses and no one else to blame.  But again, I am blessed to know that my body can get down to a more pleasurable size with hard work and determination.  If I didnt know it was possible it would be harder to have the motivation.  I never thought I would be back at this spot again.  But the reality is that I am.  Every choice does matter.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Perfect timing

We all know that getting back on track can be quite a struggle.  So the fact that I have a cold and a lack of appetite and cravings is perfect timing!  Although, I do hope that I am feeling better tomorrow as I have a simple one mile run planned.  I expect that just one mile will be a struggle for me.  But its okay.  Its better to plan for struggles right?  Its tough to swallow the fact that I was running 13 miles 4 short months ago and that one mile will probably whoop me tomorrow!  But at the same time I am excited to get the ball rolling again.  My fingers are crossed that my knee will not be an issue.

I got on the scale this morning.  Its only day two of my recommitment but I wanted to have an accurate starting place.  It was bitter sweet.  Mostly bitter, but a tad sweet...hehe.  199.5.  So while I am up almost 40 lbs from my lowest weight of 160 (bitter) I did not see the 200's again (sweet).  I am ashamed that I am at this place.  I never thought in a million years I would go back. But at least I am not alllllllllllllllll the way back to where I started. 

Its super annoying and frustrating to have to lose pounds that I have already lost once, no doubt.  And at first it seemed so overwhelming.  But then some more positive thinking snuck up on..  Even though my pants are snug and some of the smaller 14's dont fit, I realized that I dont have to lose all 40 lbs instantly to get back into them.  I was wearing them just a few short weeks ago.  So its exciting to be able to set mini goals for myself that seem quite attainable.  Does that make sense.   If I look at the big number of RE-losing 40 lbs its much more frustrating than taking baby steps.  Instead I am going to choose to enjoy my successes along the way.  I will do my best to share them!

There are so many negative things that come along with this weight gain.  I wanted to lay it all out there so hopefully I can look back one day and realize that these things are gone!  Sometimes we overlook the progress we are making and I want to make sure I enjoy the successes that will come along the way (again). Here are a few of the negative things associated with my weight gain:

*Loss of self esteem
*Shame and embarrassment
*Not enjoying shopping for clothes
*Dreading getting dressed everyday bc not much fits
*Feeling uncomfortable in my own skin
*Achey joints
*Lack of motivation
*Bras are too tight.
*Stomach tire above my jeans is back
*Constant wonder if/where people see the weight gain

I am sure there are more but thats what I came up with. 

I was quite taken back by all the welcome backs on my post yesterday.  Thank you so much.  I guess I forgot what an awesome support system and community this is!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Back again

Yes, I am still here.   And no, it hasnt been pretty.  But kind of like cleaning, I was waiting and hoping for that *feeling* to come over me to get back on my weight loss kick.  It had been almost two years that I was focusing so intently on my weight.  And I dont know what happened that I got off track but I did.  Despite the shame and embarassment and unhappiness I have not been able to get it together.  Maybe I got tired of the everyday struggle.  Regardless of the excuses I can come up with I knew it was only a matter or time before I had enough.  It was only a matter of time before my priorities straightened out.  And its odd how sometimes as much as I know whats right I just cant get back on track until something clicks. 

I am so glad it did. 

Last night I put the girls to bed and sat down for some TV.  I was watching the show "HEAVY". Ever see it?  Its on Netflix.   I watched a few episodes and then at the end of one a large-ish man who had lost a ton of weight but was still bigger honored himself by running as many minutes as pounds that he had lost.  180 minutes he ran.  Thats three hours!  It sparked something in me.  I cant explain it.  It inspired me and reminded me how 4 short months ago I ran a half marathon.  And it made me want to run another. I had an excitement in me I havent felt in a while. 

I know I will have to start back at square one.  I am not concerned about that.  But what I AM really concerned about is that my left knee has really been hurting me.  I am hoping its just my body being angry at all the extra weight and lack of activity.  I have some sort of unspecified arthritis condition and I am hoping that running will only help my knee.  It never bothered me until the past month or so.  I am hoping I didnt injure it when I was lifting weights doing Body for Life. 

So fingers crossed. I would be so sad if I couldnt train for another half.  And the thought of going to the dr and jumping through their ridiculous hoops if it is an injury is not something I look forward to. 

As for my eating...  I have decided that tonight after I put the girls to bed I am going to go through my old blog posts and remind myself of what works well for me.  I have been so confused and overwhelmed with how to eat.  Lots of water, more protein, etc.  I think I will combine the plans I have done over the years and create one that is tailored for me. 

For those of you who have been following for a long time and are familiar with my journey, I would love to be "reminded" of things that you think worked and any opinions you might have. 

Thank you!!!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Get a grip

I just cannot seem to get a grip.  I have undone so much of my hard work which makes it that much harder to get back on track.  I am so disappointed in myself and that doesnt help either!   I have been very honest throughout this entire journey and that isnt going to change.  I know that I will get back into my groove.  I keep trying and somehow fail day after day.  And its such a reminder of the old Jen.  Then I feel even worse that I am headed back the direction and cant seem to get a grip!!!! 

I talked with the hubs today who has not been off track.  He has been been stayed on track despite my train wreck.  I told him maybe I dont need the pressure of being on one specific plan.  Maybe I just need to eat well and exercise.  That sounds so simple right?  Right...until I get cravings and hungry.  Thats the point where all heck breaks loose with me.  When I was doing body for life it was the first time ever in life that I didnt have cravings.  If I had hunger it was a growling belly yet no irresistible cravings.  And for me thats just what cravings are for me.  Irresistible. 


Knowing this, and knowing me maybe the best thing is to pick back up on Body for Life.  I really enjoyed the weight lifting and I was starting to see some results in my muscles.  But maybe instead of signing myself up for the intensity of being on plan 100%, I can use it more as a guide instead of as a rigid plan.  I can still have a free day or maybe even two some weeks.  But the rest of the time I can eat the things that fend off the cravings and hunger because that seems to be where my issue lies. 

Does anyone have any thoughts? 

Oh, and although I havent stepped on the scale I am certain that I back up over the 200 lb mark....which is like 40 lbs more than lowest and 30 lbs less than my highest.  This is not a happy place for my body.  Its angry actually.  Heartburn, sluggish, grumpy, low self esteem...all the things I swore I wold never go back to! I walked past a mirror the other day and couldnt believe what I saw.  I remember saying this very same thing after losing the weight!!

But even so, I do know for sure that I will get back down to where I want to be. Or at least close.  Because it felt too good.  Its mind over matter.  I just need to get into the right place to make that change.

Monday, January 9, 2012

It ain't pretty...

Sometimes the truth ain't pretty.  This is one of those times.  I have been off my Body for Life plan since my free day on Christmas Day.  Its now weeks later and I still cant pull myself together.  There is hunger.  There are cravings.  And there is a scale.  A very truth telling scale.  I am at 196 lbs.  That was is way too close to 200 for comfort for me.  I lived  way over 200 lbs for years.  I dont want to go back.  I can see the chubbiness back in my face.  I can feel the tiredness.  I feel the despair and disappointment.  I feel the shame and embarassment.


Why the heck cant I pull it together?  When I was doing Body for Life rigidly I had no cravings.  No hunger other than occasion hunger growls reminding me to eat.  The weight loss was slow.  But it was working.  I get one fully free day a week to eat whatever it is I please.  So what is my issue?   There is no excuse.  Blah Blah Blah.  Get back to it Jen.  It felt good.  So do it.  Period.

I have still been doing the weight workouts but not on the schedule the plan requires.  And oddly I have the itch to run outside.  It has been oddly warm here in New York state so far this season.  And by warm I mean 40* is awesome! There has been minimal snow which is unheard of where I live.  I am so excited to have the itch to run.  Although I am fully aware that it isnt going to be pretty when I get this heavier than usual body out there to do it.

I have also been thinking about another half marathon.  I know I want to do the one next fall which is the same one I did last year.  But I want to do another one sooner.  So I am looking into that as well.  And obviously it is on my mind heavily because I even dreamed about it last night.  I dreamed that I was running the half effortlessly and realized at the end that I had finished in an amazing time.  For some reason 17 minutes keeping coming to mind.  Obviously I cant run a half marathon in 17 minutes.  But.................................  maybe I can run it in 2 hours and 17 minutes?  Sounds like a good goal to me!  My last one was at 2 hours and 38 minutes.  The odd part of my dream was that much like other half marathon dreams I have had, I had stuff with me that I needed to get rid of so I could run.  In other dreams it was my purse that I left with the cafeteria ladies.  In this dream it was my coat (which did not resemble any coat I own by the way) that I tucked under a podium.  Yup, THE podium that was being used at the awards ceremony after this half marathon I just ran.  I was able to get it.  But odd, right?

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I have a gift card to Kohls that I got for Christmas that I really want to use!  But I wont until my weight is back down into the 170's at least.

Today I am thankful for:
*the plan that the hubs and I just made to get back on track.  My meals are planned out for the day tomorrow.  Whoo hoo! One step at a time.  One meal at at time.  One choice at a time.