Sunday, April 14, 2013

I think I got it!!! Its working!!!

I am happy to say that I am feeling on track.  I would get on track, then fall off, then I would get back on...only to fall off again. It was so frustrating and demeaning.   I was hungry.  Exercise seemed to feel soooo hard compared to when I was fit.  Something just had to give.  I knew I couldnt keep going at this rate or I would just continue to get bigger.  But being so hungry and dreading exercise made it very difficult to get through a day successfully. 

So after talking with my cousin who is becoming a personal trainer, she suggested that I eat more. Of course I was excited yet skeptical.  She calculated the amount of calories that I would have to eat to sustain my weight and it was a huge well over 2000 calories a day. Had I really been eating that many?  Yup, no doubt :(  So anything less than that would allow me lose.  How fast I lose is up to me(within healthy limits of course).  The bigger the deficit the more I lose, the less of a deficit the less I lose.  Basic concept of calories in/calories out.

So my new to allow myself 1800 calories a day. It feels so doable and sustainable in REAL LIFE.   I was so used to cutting down dramatically to get the weight off.  But with that comes hunger.  1000-1200 calories a day is just not for me.  I like food.  I dont like to feel deprived.  So this higher calorie allowance combined with eating more protein to to stave off hunger seems to be working for me.  I am tracking it all and I will do another post on how I am doing this soon.  But, its working for me!  My daughters birthday was this week.  I ate cake.  I had dinner/lunch out twice this week.  I ordered and didnt feel deprived.  Who knew a few hundred extra calories could make such a difference for me.   The last I checked the scale it said 233.  That was last week.  I will get on again sometime this week.  I am extremely confident which is a great feeling!

Sometimes I eat all 1800 calories, but most times I dont.  But just knowing I can is just what I need. If I eat them all I will lose.  If I dont...I will still lose.  Yaaaaay!    So often gaining and losing weight becomes mind games.  And those of us who are obese know that the mind games often win and therefore its hard to lose the weight and or/keep it off.  So knowing I can eat these calories eliminates a lot of those mind games.  If I know I am going to have a special event (my daughters bday or a work lunch) I just prepare and calculate the extra (cake )calories into my day.  Period. Not so bad when it doesnt take up half of your calories for the day right? 

*Today I am thankful for:  the response I have gotten after my "comeback".  I wasnt sure if I would get "shamed" when coming back after gaining the weight.  Instead, I was welcomed and even praised by so many of you for doing so.  Its great to know I am not alone in this journey.

*Today's reason for losing weight: Running a half mile at this weight is awful.  I cannot wait to get back to running a mile or more with less effort and with much more enjoyment!  Its great to have been there though and to know it IS possible.


Thursday, April 4, 2013

Each choice makes up the big picture

I have been struggling with making myself believe that every choice matters.  Every time I choose to eat, or to exercise(or not to)...every single time counts towards the big picture.  However, I am so far from my goal right now and I am so much further behind the starting line than I have ever been.  Its hard to accept the fact that I have to redo all of my hard work(plus more!), and that I let myself get back here.  But the fact is that every single choice that I make DOES matter.  Every choice I made got me back to obesity.  Every trip to McDonalds, every double portion, etc.  The best way I can think to convince myself is that my health and weight is like a puzzle.  And to get where I want to be, healthy and fit, I need to keep adding pieces to the puzzle until it becomes complete.  The reality is that my puzzle is like a million pieces.  I sure do wish it were an easy 25 piece puzzle.  Hehe. 

I have started to run again(sorta). I run some till I just cant anymore, walk some, run some more, etc. I started a few weeks ago, and then I stopped for a few weeks. I lost the tiny bit of stamina that I had gained back.  So now I am back at it again.  I have to remember to take the advice that I have given so many times right here on my blog when I was "a runner".  So many people have asked me how they could get into running and how it could possibly be enjoyable.  And what I have said over and over is that starting to run is not easy.  It becomes eaiser with time.  At first, that "I cant breathe and need to stop before I die" feeling is awful.  Then your heart and lungs get into shape and before you know it you are running a mile...effortlessly.  And once you are capable of running a mile then anything after that is totally doable.  The second tip to enjoying running is to pace yourself.  If you start out too fast you tire quickly and you have less endurance.  Thats not to say you cant push yourself to increase your stamina here and there.  So...there I have it.  My own advice that I have given to lots of people.  I have been going back to this advice a lot lately.

I keep asking myself why it seems so much harder to get running than I remember.  My conclusion:  I am 240 lbs(I think...I have not gotten on the scale recently).  When I first started running I think I was well under 200 lbs.  That extra weight surely makes a difference.  My body is pretty angry at this weight.  And asking it RUN at this weight seems crazy.  My daughter weighs over 40 lbs and the thought of running with her attached to me is crazy,  And thats pretty much what I am doing...running with a ton more wieght on me than I ever had.  But I am trying my best regardless of how frustrating it is.  I have to keep telling myself "It has to be this hard for it to get easier".



I am back to using my Lose It app and making good choices.  On the advice of my cousin the personal trainer I am allowing myself more calories and I will cut them as lose weight. 

*Today's reason for losing weight:  Although there is still much snow on the ground here, warm weather and then summer is going to sneak up out of nowhere.  I hate to be fat especially in the summer! 

*Today I am thankful for:  Sugar free popsicles.