Thursday, January 17, 2013

4 year olds dont have filters

This was my second week of limiting my sugar intake along with adding exercise.  The scale obviously didnt get that memo because it said I gained a pound.  But its okay.  Last week I lost 12 pounds in one week!  I have not necessarily been tracking any calories because my appetite and cravings have been well under control.  So I assumed the lack of hunger and eating lots of salads and proteins that I was on the right track.  And I probably am, even without a weight loss.  I know that exercising is good for my body and that the food I am putting in is nutritious.  So I will keep plugging along and keep trying to make good choices.  I really dont want to be tied to some plan like I always seem to be.

*Today I am thankful for:  having a part time job with flexibility

*Today's reason for losing weight:  the other day I was grocery shopping with my 4 year old.  She was between me and the cart and grabs my belly and said "this is getting big mommy".  Yup, true story....

Monday, January 14, 2013

The buffet

I have done well eating all week...almost effortlessly.  My appetite seems under control, and I don't seem to have many cravings.  I exercised last week on the treadmill doing various intensities, each session lasting 30 minutes.  My parents were in town this weekend which is always great.  I love when they come.  My dad has been doing a lot of work on my new house, along with hubs.  So the hubs wanted to treat them and took us all out to dinner.  A buffet.  And I was TOTALLY fine with it.  I ate well and not many things tempted me.  Usually a buffet is a gorging event for me.  So many choices, in unlimited quantities!  A fat girl's dream!   After my main meal, I decided to allow myself some dessert.  I had worked hard for almost two weeks of cutting sugars out and eating only healthy carbs.  It was an amazing experience.  I enjoyed it.  I limited myself.  I FELT IN CONTROL of my eating.  I ate dessert in moderation and left the restaurant ( a buffet mind you) without feeling totally stuffed, yet satisfied.  This little success may seem minuscule to some but is very important to me.  

I have had a bit of sadness in my life lately.  I just lost my aunt to cancer right before Christmas.  I have several other relatives who are sick(hospice involved) and/or not doing well.  It is taking a toll on me, and especially on my mother who is watching her close loved ones die.  My mom is my rock.  Its hard to see her sad and upset.  So I decided its a good time to bring back the "Today I am thankful for...." section to my blog.  Readers always seemed to enjoy it and remembering at least one positive that happened is a great frame of mind to get myself into..  And along with that I will also bring back "Today's reason for losing weight..." to my blog. 

*Today I am thankful for:  my husband.  He is a great team player in this marriage.  Most of the things around the house are shared chores.  There aren't many "man chores" or "woman chores" in our house.  He cooks sometimes.  I paint sometimes.  Sometimes he does laundry, sometimes I take out the trash.  He may be superdad while I stack wood.  When the kids were small he changed diapers, washed bottles, etc.  He does laundry, but is also quite the handyman.  Really, he just steps in and we get things done. He's a big manly guy at 6'3" yet a warm fuzzy when I need him to be.  Here I am talking about him and he doesn't even read my blog to know about it!

*Today's reason for losing weight:  Apparently the girls at work are doing weigh ins every Monday at work.  None of them are big in my opinion, yet they all seem to think they are.  I can relate to that because when I was 160 (my lowest weight) I still wasnt happy with how I looked (are we ever??) I heard them say they are all within 5 lbs of one another.  I am guessing I am at least 80 lb more than them.  Now THAT makes me look at my size and weight quite differently. I felt like an outcast fat girl again :(  I will say that I work with very sweet ladies and there is no negative feelings among any of us.  My feelings of being an outcast are clearly my disgust with myself. 


Thursday, January 10, 2013

Smell and taste

I can smell and taste a little bit more as the day goes on, so hopefully that means I am on the mend!  Everyone loses their taste at some point when they have a cold or sinus infection for a bit.  But this is the first time I didnt have taste or smell for almost 3 days.  It made me more conscious of my eating habits.  I have said how I havent had many cravings and that my appetite has been under control since I have tried to cut sugars out and eat more complex carbs.  And it was the same these past few days.  So what is very enlightening to me is that I found myself very disappointed when I couldnt taste.  I wanted to be able to taste and enjoy my food, and I was ticked off when I couldnt.  I guess I really do love food.  There were a few times I found myself wandering around aimlessly looking for something to eat even though I wasnt hungry or craving anything.  I had to remind myself that I wouldnt be able to taste anything anyway, but it was again a realization that I DO eat when I am not hungry or craving anything.  There was no smell that made me hungry.  I was looking for food because I am used to it being something that makes me feel good, or just to eat out of boredom.  Interesting.


Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Week one-still going

Hello All.  Just a quick post today :).  One week in and I am down 12 lbs.  I am rather shocked by that, although I am sure it is mostly water weight.  I continue to limit my sugar intake, and I am taking in mainly carbs that are complex(some fruit, wheat bread, yogurt, etc).  And as I posted the other day, the most *miraculous* thing so far is that my appetite and cravings seem under control.  I am not calorie counting, or following any specific diet.  I am just listening to my body and trying to be more active.  I eat when my body says its hungry, but yet not ravenous to eat junk like usual.  Its a totally different kind of hungry.  I have used the treadmill a few times for 30 minutes and have done mostly walking with an alternating running(not jogging).  I know this one minute segment of running is what is helping my lungs and body to build endurance.  I feel like I am going at this pretty slow and taking this as another learning lesson.

I am currently reading a book about food addicts.  I will give more info about it when I get further into it.  But so far, it makes an awful lot of sense and makes me look at this journey differently.  I think I am battling a sinus infection and cant seem to taste or smell anything today, or yesterday.  I do feel better than yesterday, but if tomorrow isn't a ton better it may be a trip the the Dr for some antibiotics. 

Hope all is well. I will check in again soon.


Sunday, January 6, 2013

Sugar and feeling in control

It feels great to be "back"!!  Its no secret I have experimented with several different diets and methods to lose weight.  I have no regrets along the way because essentially I have learned what works and what doesn't work.  And that is so important in this journey!

One of the plans that I did was Body for Life.  It focuses on certain exercises paired with an eating plan.  I bought the book and that was about it.  There was nothing else to buy. And I didn't even need to buy the book because its all readily available online, for free even :).   The plan focuses on eating properly, and gives a pretty specific list of foods that can be eaten.  It teaches what complex carbs are and how they should be paired with a protein.  You do the plan for 6 days and get one free day.  Its a rather restrictive eating plan, however, the main thing that I learned from this plan was that it really controlled my appetite.  This is the only plan of the many, many plans that I have tried that was able to control the beast( aka: my appetite) and almost totally took my cravings away.  I know that my appetite and cravings are my main issues in this journey.  When I would get hungry on this plan, it wasn't a craving or starvation feel.  It was a simple belly growl reminding me to eat.  But there were no cravings for sweet sugary things like I am used to.  Great right?!  So where did I go wrong?  The free day.  You get a free day and I learned that once my body got sugars, and simple carbs, it was very hard to get back on track.  It take a few days of eating their way to get rid of the cravings again.

This is one of the most important things I have learned in this journey.  When they are out of my system I don't crave them!  Even if they are right in front of me!!  Now THAT is nothing short of AMAZING!  So, I am not calorie counting, and although I am not following this diet per say, I am taking what I learned and using it in my every day life.  Feeling in control of my eating is huge for me.  I am cutting out most simple carb sugars, eating complex carbs, and exercising. 

It feels great!  It feels great not to be on any specific plan and yet still be eating well.  This might be a first, and hopefully a way of life. It feels great to be in control of my appetite and cravings. 

Thursday, January 3, 2013

What is healthy?

When I signed into blogger I noticed I had one less follower then when I posted the other day.  I usually don't pay much attention to the number but notice it now when I log in.  But I am not bothered, which is odd because I tend to be a sensitive person.  The way I see it is that this is my journey.  It may not be inspiring to people when I am coming back after putting ALL my weight back some.  I am not running half marathons and losing weight regularly yet.  I am not posting about my accomplishments or how great things are going (yet).  But this is my reality right now.  My struggle.  My journey. And I accept it...because otherwise I play the denial game and would continue to get bigger and bigger.  Of course I want to be inspiring to others through this blog.  But....Life isn't always easy, and its not REAL if I only post about the good things.  I am not perfect.  Life isn't always perfect.  There are bumps in the road, and obstacles that stand in our way.  Some are bigger than others.  Its what we do when we get to those bumps and obstacles that matter.

Speaking of perfect, I have been thinking about what my actual goal is(again...sigh).  I was down to 160 lbs at one point a while back,  and that was still considered overweight for my height and frame.  Yet for me, I do believe I was happy at that weight.  I felt good.  My body felt good.  I wore a size 10(even with the Fupa).  When I ran my half marathon I weighed about 180 lbs.  Again, I felt good.  My weight a bit higher, but there is no doubt I was somewhat fit.  I ran for 13.1 miles straight!  I am still in awe of that.   At any rate, I know lots of people who ARE at their ideal weight, yet they don't exercise an ounce, or they smoke, or eat like garbage, drink lots, etc.  And sometimes I am jealous that they don't have to think about exercise, or every single thing they put in their mouth and how it will affect their weight and pants size.   But I have learned that its one thing to look healthy and its another thing to BE healthy.  I learned the other day when I tried to run at 240 pounds, that I WAS healthy back then.  I see now that it took great endurance, stamina, and strength to run that half marathon. I WAS healthy, even if I was still overweight according to some chart.

One of my greatest accomplishments was that half marathon in October 2011.  And before that, it was my first 5K, and then my first 10K.  These experiences changed my life.  They showed me what I am capable of if I just put my mind to it. They showed me that I can be fit and wear cute clothes.  They showed me I can be confident and proud of myself.  Now that I am back at square one(or maybe even behind that).  I cant even run a half of a mile without stopping and being so uncomfortably out of breath, I realize and appreciate just how fit I was.  This is a HUGE lesson learned for me.  Putting the weight back on stinks, and having to redo all my hard work to get it back off stinks, but figuring things out in my head and learning from them is priceless.

On that note, I have felt in control of my eating and plan to incorporate some exercise very soon.  I am in the right mindset, finally.


Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Remember me?

Where to begin.  Its was June that I last posted.  At that point I had managed to get myself back up to 200 lbs.  I am so embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I have put even more weight on.  Actually, I do believe I am at an all time high weight for myself.  I have a ton of excuses but really when it all comes down to it, they are just excuses.  I weighed 240 lbs this morning on the scale.  I remember being so upset when I was training for my half marathon and  my weight jumped to 180 lbs.  What I would do to get back down to that weight!  I guess its all relative.

My body is angry.  My joints ache to the point where its painful to walk.  I have knots in my neck and shoulders again.  My back hurts. I have headaches again, and my heartburn is awful.  But worse than all of this is the disgust I have with myself.  The embarrassment I feel and the fear or who I will run into when I go out is a feeling I hadnt missed.  It is back.  I am ashamed.  What will people think, or say, when they see all this weight I have put on?  I have lost my confidence.  I definitely had some setbacks that made it difficult to exercise for a while.  I had two foot/toe injuries back to back.  But that set me back a month total probably.  And we bought a new house and moved over the summer.  I started my new job.  Yada Yada....these are all excuses I have made for myself.  So what...things got busy. Everyone gets busy.  Really what happened is that I lost control of me.  I stopped taking care of me. 

Its time to get it back. I deserve it.  My family and friends deserve a better me too.  When I am happier with me, I am a better wife and mother.  I am a better daughter and friend. 

And I think there is no better place to start than here.  I am going to head back to the start of my blog and begin reading.  I want to remember the good things, and the bad.  I want to remember what works for me, and what doesnt.  I want to remember the feelings I was having and how I stayed motivated all that time.  I want the happy me back again.  I have become miserable. Cranky. Its such a cycle. I gained weight. I got cranky. I made the cranky go away by eating. And as I was making the cranky go away for a few minutes as I ate, it only made for more cranky as the numbers crept up and up on the scale.  Its such a cycle.  And I am mad that I thought I had beat it.  It just goes to show this is a battle I will have to fight every day of my life.

Tomorrow I have a hair appointment.  I am getting it chopped.  I am going to have the brows done and hopefully at the end of the day, I will feel like a new me on a new road to my success.  I definitely took some wrong turns in this journey but hey, as mad as it makes me, I am accepting it and moving on from this point.  Otherwise, I continue to spiral downward.  I have done this before, and I will do it again.  I have the benefit of knowing how it felt to cross the finish line at the half marathon.  I know how it felt when I wore a size 10.  I know how it felt when I was not embarrassed to meet new people, or bump into old friends.  I know how it felt to be confident and content and how it spilled into all the other parts of my life.  Some people never get that chance.  I have been there.  And I want to be back there. 

 I have been there.  I want to be back there.  Here I come.