Friday, January 28, 2011

No surgery/my conversation (Jennifer)

I had my appt with the new ENT dr who said he doesnt think I need surgery.  While there may be an issue with the sinus that is not what he believes is causing my issues.  Although he doesnt know what is causing them.  So...he said he is going to try to treat it from many angles with the hope that I start feeling better.  He was very nice and I really felt like I was in the best of hands.  I left there with way more prescriptions then I would like, but at this point I am willing to try anything!  But I have faith in this dr for some reason.  And coming from me, that is a big deal!

Medifast- I am still doing it.  Its day 4.  I am hungry.  But I have been managing.  I got on the scale this morning in a moment of weakness because I was just about to talk myself off the plan.  The scale said that after 3 days I lost 6 lbs.  Sure, most of it is water weight but, hey, it was the reassurance I need to stay on the plan.  And let me tell you, I was pretty darn close to talking myself off the plan.  The food I have is not my favorite Medifast food but I am managing. 

Today I was talking to one of my newer friends.  I was telling her about my struggles with Medifast.  She tried Medifast a few months back after hearing of my success.  She said to me, "why dont you just be happy with what you look like?  You are beautiful and look great!".   This took me by surpise.  She never knew me when I was 230 lbs.  I explained to her how I have put some weight back on and how I used to be much larger and I dont want to go back. I told her I am not comfortable with how I look and feel right now.  Then she said something else that totally shook me.  She said "do your girls know that you diet a lot?".  Um...after the shock wore off I fired back and told her I did Medifast for a few months last year and since then I had just been eating healthy and exercising.  I told her how I made daily changes such as eating whole grains and more protein, and other than that I dont really think I have been dieting.  I know she didnt mean anything negative by it but for some reason I felt attacked.  I never refer to myself as fat, or make comments of any sort about myself or anybody else in front of my children.  I never refer to my food as diet food, whether I am on MF or not.  I still eat my dinners with them, and usally we eat the same things.  My kids dont even know the concept of overweight, or dieting.  And I dont think they should at their ages.  Do I offer them healthy  things for meals and snacks?  Yes, but not because I am worried about their weight(they both take after their slim daddy).  I want them to be healthy...which is what I want for myself as well.  And right now according to the weight/BMI charts I have 30 + lbs to lose.  I am not even aiming for that.  I think 150(20 lbs) will be comfy for me, although still considered overweight on the charts. 

I hope you all have a great weekend!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Support and Dinner (Jennifer)

I would like to thank those of you who commented on yesterdays post.  In my head I thought people may look down on my choice to revisit Medifast.  Because part of me feels like a failure for not succeeding at weight loss/maintaining in the *real world*.  The support on here is just amazing.  I know so many of you who have succeeded at weight loss, especially Margene who is also doing Medifast.  This woman is a huge inspiration to me.  Thank you Margene.

Like I said, I didnt make this decision lightly.  I thought about it for a while and tossed the pros/cons around in my head.  And like one commenter said, I did need to do something before I gained any further weight back.  Last night my hubby and I were chatting and he said he knows how tough the program is for me (I have some food but they are definately not my favorite Medifast foods) and he is proud of me.  That means a lot coming from him.

The same day I went and picked up my food I also went to dinner with my friend Karen.  We are both stay at home moms and like to go to dinner once every few weeks or so.  It is always a great time.  We were talking away while sitting at Ruby Tuesdays and the hostess came and sat a man and a woman near us.  I dont even remember what we were talking about but my attention was totally stolen by the couple.  They sat in the booth, well attempted, and in my opinion made a little scene.  The woman was obviously larger than the man.  I dont think he even had a weight issue if I remember correctly.  She sat at the booth and so did he and then began talking loudly to each other..."Do you fit? "   "Barely!". "OMG"  They seemed to be chuckling and joking about the situation.  Then they started trying to adjust the table to fit them better.  Its a booth so there isnt much room for adjustment.  They were literally tugging and pulling on the table and the stuff on it bouncing all around making even more of a scene.  The look on my face must have been priceless because Karen, who didnt see any of this, was laughing at me. 

The moral of this story:   the guy didnt seem to be overweight yet he was was sympathizing with her by also complaining like it was the worlds smallest table they were sitting at.  My guess was that this was to make her feel better.  But the truth is that she was overweight and didnt fit in the booth.  They immediately got up and moved.  When the waiter (a different one) brought the food out he went to their old table.  They joked and laughed about how they were trying to trick him.  And through all this light hearted joking and laughter I knew that at some level this woman HAD to feel embarassment and hurt.  I used to be there, although I tried my hardest not to make a scene and draw more attention to myself.  This all reminded me of why this journey is so important to me.  And, I told Karen that this would definately be a blog topic.  There were things almost every day that reminded me of my obesity and getting though each carried its own shame and embarrassment.  I never want to go back to that place in my mind where everything I did made me think of my weight.

Today is my appt with the new ENT surgeon.  Fingers crossed.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Major things... (Jennifer)

I have been doing some thinking and made some decisions based on my current situation.  I was hesitant to write this post because I thought I might catch some heat.  But really, it was a decision I made with much consideration.  

As many of you may know I havent been feeling very well for the past several months.  I did see a specialist who determined that I need surgery.  I then realized he is not participating with my insurance.  I now have quite an out of pocket responsibility from those visits, and I cannot afford to have the surgery with the non participating dr.  And, honestly I am not sure that what is going on is solely the issue he suggested.  Although, I am no doctor.  Anyway...I finally got an appt with the new ENT tomorrow.  I look forward to proceeding, getting another opinion and hopefully feeling better.  In the meanwhile, I havent been exercising as much as I would like because I just havent felt well.  Without exercise I am struggling to eat well.  Its been months since I have had my regular routine of exercise.

I decided I need something rigid right now to keep me on track.  I started this blog last February when I started Medifast.  Its a rigid, tough program in my opinion.  I never cheated once on the program and I lost a lot of weight.  Until...I started exercising and the weight stopped coming off.  The program was not enough calories for the all cardio I was excitedly now capable of doing!  So I had a choice to make.  I had to either stop the cardio or come off the plan.  At that point I was down a lot of weight and decided to transition off. Financially I couldnt have done it much longer either.  On my own I lost some more and even maintained well when I came off.  But then I hit a wall.  I could not get past 160 lbs even with my exercising and healthy new lifestyle.  Then, I started not feeling well at the end of the summer and havent exercised as much as I would like to.  Since then, I have put some weight back on.  Not too much, but I could tell that I was started to fall into some of my old eating habits.  I knew I had to do something.

I have been toying with the idea of going back on Medifast but knew we could not afford it right now. Plus, I have been off it for so long now and done pretty well.  But that was when I could exercise.  I looked on craigslist and there was a woman who sold me 25 boxes of food (yes, BOXES) for $25.  It would have cost me WAAAAY more than that if I had bought it from the site.  So I went and got the food and thought about it.  I decided I would do it for a while.  Right now I am not doing much cardio so I will take this as an opportunity while I am trying my darndest to get this health thing figured out.   Today's weight on the scale reaffirmed my decision.  It said:  176.6.  Thats about 10 lbs higher than where I was sitting comfortably at 166.  I havent bumped that high since this journey started almost one year ago.

Part of me feels like a failure for not being able to maintain in the real world.  But I have to keep reminding myself that I am going to the dr tomorrow and hope to get this health stuff worked out so I can get back to exercising. One thing with Medifast is that it makes you really appreciate real food.  That is one thing I am looking forward to. I have lost my appreciation for healthy foods over the past few months.  I plan to do this for a month or two, depending on how it goes to get me back on track.  While cardio didnt work well for me and my weight loss the last time I did medifast ( I stopped losing weight) I dont see why I cannot weight train while doing the program.  I believe I am setting myself up for success.  A few months from now I hope to feel better (fingers crossed), the weather will be nicer and I can get back to running and cardio at the gym, and I will again be appreciative of healthy foods.

So thats it.  Thats my decision that I made for myself.  I am trying so hard to be excited about it so I ask if you disagree that you are gentle with your comments!  Its day one and I am already pretty hungry.  I remember that from the first time I did the program and how it lasts for a few days.  But the rigidity of the program is the difference between me caving into lots of unhealthy foods yesterday and me not caving today.

Please keep your fingers crossed that my appt with the specialist is a good one!!!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Re-energized (Jennifer)

Today I talked to one of my good friends.  We have been friends for 20 + years.  I am 31 so that is a lot of my life!  We can go months without speaking (we live several hours apart) and then pick up the phone and start right where we left off.  We are very different people but have always been there for each other.  Anyway, in our conversation today she told me about how she wants to lose weight and how inspiring I am to her.  We havent seen each other in a long time but she was amazed by some of the pics she had seen of me on Facebook.  She said I have motivated her and she wanted to know if there is anything I could tell her that could help her.  I told her how protein wards off my hungry beast from within, and therefore helps me to make better choices.  I told her how it wasnt until I got a good chunk of weight off that I felt and saw a difference and how it was at that point I knew I would never go back.  I told her how I took up running and all of the amazing benefits it has provided me.  I told her about my blog, and how it has helped me immensely.  Really, I had lots to say.   She said how she has reached a point where enough is enough and she is at her biggest size ever. 

I was so glad to have had this talk with her today.  First, I want to share what I have learned along this journey.  I want to share it with anyone who can possibly take something good out of it, but it was even more meaningful to share it with something special to me.  Second, I found that as I was telling her about my journey, the good and bad experiences, that this passion came out inside of me.  It made me realize that while I have only gained a small amount of weight through the holidays that there is still a better place that I was at and cant wait to be at again. 

The timing of this was perfect.  I have been going to the gym and yesterday even ran 2 miles on the treadmill. Its been a while since my last run so I thought for sure it would be a struggle.  Nope  :)  I was so relieved.  On a different note, however, we got tons of snow over the past few days and I rolled my ankle (again) in  the snow.  I screamed and it hurt so bad when I did it.  It is much better right now but I can tell it is sprained (again).  So...a few days of proper diet and a little rest and I hope to be good as new.

Hope you all have a great weekend!


Thursday, January 20, 2011

Never this long! (Jennifer)

Its never this long between posts!  But at least I have good reason....   I have done what I said I would do and have begun prioritizing and making time for me to work out at the gym.  And it feels good.  I wish I had never stopped going.  But I did because I *found* running (outside) and didnt want to do anything else.  But I am now realizing I can have the best of both worlds.  In the chilly nasty weather I can go to the gym and get a great workout in.  I have friends there.  And on the nicer days where I am not feeling the commute to the gym, or only have a few minutes I can get a run in(I cant wait for those days again!).  I realized that I am losing some of my shapely muscles I had earned around summer time so this recommittment to my health is just in time!   I  have not been counting calories exactly but I do have a pretty good idea of the quality/quantity.  And honestly, I am so excited to get back into exercising because it helps with my eating as well. 

I am still not feeling that great and I have an appt with a new ENT that DOES take my insurance.  Who knows, maybe a new pair of eyes is just what I need.  I am so ready to feel better. 

I have some catching up on blogs.  I hope you all are well!


Thursday, January 13, 2011

A compliment that made my day (Jennifer)

Today I went to the Chiropractor.  After finding out my ENT is not a participating provider (after I have now seen him 3 times and am supposed to have surgery) and I will have to pay out of pocket, and then finding out that the jaw specialist is also not participating I decided to go to the Chiropractor at the suggestion of the nurse practitioner.  Maybe he could help with this supposed TMJ.  I am desperate.   I went to him before about a year and a half ago.  I have terrible posture so every once in a while I need a back adjustment.  Anyway, I went back there today and the reaction of the woman at the front desk (whom I barely recognized) was one like I have never gotten.  She said "Jen????"  I looked up and realized it was the woman I knew last year.  She looked dumbfounded and said..."you look so different!!!".  I told her how I had lost about 60 plus pounds.  She said she could tell but didnt want to bring it up and offend me because some people are like that.  I however, am not  :)    She told me that I looked great and wanted to know how I did it.  The look on her face of disbelief the whole time we were talking surprised  me.  Then, when she brought me back to the exam room a few minutes later she continued to say how great I looked, still shaking her head in shock.  Its funny because before going there today I was thinking about how I didnt feel very good about myself today.  I didnt have on any makeup, I didnt love the outfit I had on and my hair was not looking very good.  And, I was tired.  Its been a while since I have gotten a compliment that really made my day.  I left there with a little bounce in my step.  I  needed that.


Wednesday, January 12, 2011

A warning (Jennifer)

Yesterday I was snacking on some yummy food.  Not the best thing in the world but I am feeling pretty confident in myself(for a change!).  I have no fear of going back to the old me.  I may fluctuate some 5-10 lbs or so here or there but I feel pretty certain that I will never let myself back to 230 lbs, or anywhere close. 

I love my mom.  We are very close and I can tell her just about anything.  It wasnt always like that...I was a teenager afterall....    But now that I am older, I thank God everyday for her.  Yesterday, in her own way, she gently *warned* me about my eating.  I know that she is genuinely concerned and doesnt want me to get back to the Old Jen with no confidence and less spunk.  So, I took no offense to it at all.  I came right out and told her what I just said...that I have no fear of gaining my weight back and going back to the Old me.  I think its great that I get uncomfortable in my skin after just a few pounds gain.  I told her I WANT to be active and happy and although I may allow myself to snack here and there that it is a choice I am making. I do not feel out of control.

I also told her how I cant wait to get back into running.  Between not feeling well and the weather being so cold/ snowy here, running outside is not a possibility right now and hasnt been for a while now.  She reminded me, still worried, that it will be months before I can run outside again.  And she is right.  But yet, I have no fear.  It is certainly NOT cockiness by any means though.  It did remind me that I can and should be taking the classes at the gym when I can.  Its almost like I made myself a little mental block...."Run outside or dont exercise at all".  What is that crap??? 

When I started running it surprised me.  It really threw me for a loop.  I thought for sure I would hate it.  But that wasnt the case at all.  Instead, I fell in love with it.  I love how it makes me feel.  I love how it gives me a few minutes to myself, I love how I feel accomplished when I am done, and I love of course how it burns calories.  And since I *found* running I havent done much other exercise.  I havent been to zumba, or workouts at the gym, or my weight training classes.  Its kind of like I am in limbo just waiting for 40 degrees to come into the forecast so I can go for a decent run!  The treadmill...oh how I wish I liked the treadmill more  :(  

But...I am working on it.  This journey is still such a learning process for me. 


Sunday, January 9, 2011

A small victory (Jennifer)

At my heaviest my wedding rings were a size 8.  I lost some weight and had to have them sized down to a 7.  I hung out around 200 lbs for a while.  Then I dropped another 30-40 more lbs and I could no longer wear my wedding rings, or any rings for that matter.  They literally were falling off my fingers and it just wasnt worth losing them.  They are bonded together so a ring guard wouldnt work.  So I put them away. I hated not wearing my rings although I didnt wear them for several months.  I finally went to the jeweler a few weeks ago to have them sized.  Guess what size?   5  1/2.  Well, she wanted me get that size...but I was in disbelief and decided to bump to a 5  3/4.  I picked them up the other day and I am so excited to be wearing my rings again! 

The girl working there said it is crazy that my ring size changed that much, from an 8 to a 5  3/4.  Its amazing that I cant seem to lose any more fat or flub off my troubled stomach area but dont seem to have any problem losing it from my fingers!  But thats okay.  I will still call it a victory  :)  Skinny hands...I will take it!

Have a great night.


Saturday, January 8, 2011

Removing "can't"... (Jennifer)

For months and months I was at a plateau despite my intense exercise, many visits to the gym, careful calorie counting, taking up get the point.  I hit a roadblock and the lowest I could get my weight was 160lbs.  And dont get me wrong.  After being almost 230 I was so happy to see 160!  But after a while it got frustrating that my hard worked seemed not to be paying off when there is still more weight that needs to come off.  Perhaps I have even been having a pity party. 

Then a combination of things happened:  Our daily routine changed and it was better and easier for me to run instead of going tot he gym, then I started not feeling well, got stressed about that, lots of dr appts and different medicines, the weather got cold and snowy, and the exercise has tapered off.  So that combined with the pity party of "I cant get past 160 no matter what" resulted in a lifestyle that I am realizing is unacceptable for me.  I am still eating pretty well especially that the holidays are over but the big picture isnt what I want it to be. 

So, having said that... 

I am removing the word "can't" from my vocabulary.  Because it is ridiculous to think that I *can't* get below 160 lbs.  Of course I can.  And although its tough getting back into exercising I *can* do it so I will.  Its all about decisions and priorities.  I have learned that it makes me feel better just knowing I am helping having a plan.  So, although there are roadblocks sometimes,  I just need to find a way around them. Just because its too cold (for me) to run outside doesnt mean I have to give up exercise all together.  Just because the schedule is tougher to fit the gym in doesnt mean I cant.  Its about priorities.  Good decisions. 

Today the scale said 167.  Not the best, but certainly not the worst thing.  My lowest fittest weight was 160 at the end of the summer I think. I tend to hang in the 162-167 range.   And with all that has happened in the last few months I accept that number happily.  It could be way worse and I am grateful. 

Being in the right mindset is key to success for me.  And I can feel it coming back  :)

Monday, January 3, 2011

In limbo (Jennifer)

While the holidays werent the best in the eating/exercise department I can honestly say I have been making pretty good choices since.  I havent been as hardcore by writing down what I eat and tracking calories, and I havent run in weeks.  Right now I am feeling like I am just hanging out in limbo.  Waiting to feel better, for the weather to be enjoyable running weather, etc.  The other day the weather was above 40 degrees and I was totally planning all week  for a run on that day.  But then I caught the nasty cold my family has and running didnt seem like a great idea when the day came...especially with a sinus blockage!  But soon I will get to use that new Garmin running watch the hubs bought me for Christmas!

I am still amazed how eating the right things can really ward off that uncontrollable hunger.  I have been eating some protein bars, sometimes a protein drink, and way less sugar.  And today when it was time for both lunch and dinner I picked at my food because I just wasnt that hungry.  It feels great to not be so hungry.  I was hoping my skin would catch wind of my healthy eating choices and get back to normal after this breakout which I assume is from all the sugary, crappy food I ate over the holidays.  I am trying to be patient.

All this said, I have not gotten on the scale and this is a choice I have made.  I am enjoying getting back on track and noticing the differences in my body without the number glaring at me.  Soon though.  I do have to say that although I did gain some weight and chose to eat some yummmmmmy stuff, I was never once worried I would go back to the Old Jen.  That is a big accomplishment for me to have reached this point.