Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Trusting my own advice

Yesterday I decided to join WW.  I joined online in the morning at a starting weight of 202.  Its so disappointing to be up over 200 again.  I chose WW because I really do think it will teach me portion control and how to manage everyday eating.  I decided I no longer want to do this plan or that plan that I know arent sustainable for life.  And after just day one I realized just how much food I didnt eat compared to every other day when I am going solo.  I swear I must have been eating at least 4x the amount of food throughout the day, every day.  Hopefully my appetite will shrink over time.   For a person who really loves food its a daily struggle to eat healthy and in proper portions.  I love the WW app on my phone.  It will take some time to get used to it but with time it will get easier I think.

Yesterday I got on the dreadmill and did a preset workout for 30 minutes.  There was no running at all.  Just walking between 2.5 and 3.5 mph at various inclines.  I was surprised how much it took out of me.  I even had to stop a few times to catch my breath.  This is mortifying for me.  And then today I decided to take the dog out for a walk/run.  Even though I usually have a rule that it must be at least 40* out I decided to go even though it was only 34*...burrrrr.   I made it a half a mile when the snow started falling and kept getting steadier.  Again, huge disappointment with how much stamina and endurance I have lost in just 4 months.  But I am super excited to know that it will come back soon with all of my efforts!

And then it hit me.  I remembered why people (including myself at one time) hate running.  They see it as this awful thing.  And they are right.  If you arent conditioned, or are just starting out, it can feel pretty grueling.  But what most people dont know is that it gets sooooooo much easier and even enjoyable!  It made me remember that I have given this advice over and over again when approached about how to become a runner:  1)you will be shocked how fast your endurance builds  2) training to get through the first mile seems to be the hardest 3)soon it will be a thoughtless enjoyment of "me time" to think or to listen to some awesome tunes. 

So now its time to take my advice and trust myself.  So many people have come to me asking how they could become a runner too.  And I was always so excited to give my thoughts because I truly stand behind them.  Todays run wasnt easy but I did get out there and do it, and its all part of the process.  As much I want to, I cannot expect my body to go out and run the way it used to with an added 40 lbs and being de-conditioned by my laziness over the past several months.

Every choice does matter.  Each one is part of the bigger picture.  Each choice is like a piece of the puzzle that will be a success when its all put together.  Its up to me how quick I put it together.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Things I miss

I was about this close to reordering Medifast food yesterday.  But before I processed my order I went through my old Medifast posts from when I first started the blog.  The first week was a huge loss of 10 lbs and every week after that I lost like 1.5 lbs average.  It just seems like a lot of money and a drastic way of eating to lose a lb a week and not be able to exercise.  My weight loss slowedand sometimes even stopped with exercise when I did that plan. 

I miss being proud of my weight loss when I look in a mirror.  I miss wearing a size 12.  I miss feeling good.  I am pretty sore these days. My body is not happy at this weight.  I miss feeling good about myself.  I miss feeling less self conscious.  I cant even imagine getting in a bathing suit right now to get on our boat we bought last year.  I miss shopping for cute clothes. 

The only thing stopping me from all the things I miss is ME. 

My husband keeps telling me to exercise. The last thing I feel like doing with my sore bodyis exercising.  Be he is right.  And I need to get over this confusion of what to eat, especially when I dont know the calories of something like a complex meal that I cant just look up online. 

So I whipped out my WW stuff and will use that as a guideline.  I think it will help.  WW runs pretty much along the same lines as calorie counting except I get free fruit :) 

I feel like I am grasping at so many options over the past weeks.  But I really need to help myself out here. I am so unhappy at this weight.  Only I can fix it.  The warm weather is coming and I need to have a plan in place NOW so when its boat time I am not refusing to wear a bathing suit.  Also, all of my warm weather clothes are size 12.  I will having nothing to wear if I dont do something now! 

I need to get some things at the store!

Sunday, February 26, 2012

A bit disappointed

A week of watching what I am eating and the scale hardly budged.  That is odd for me.  Having been a yoyo dieter for so long, I expected the dramatic drop in calories to produce a pretty hefty weight loss the first week.  I am not sure what happened that it didnt.  I havent been exercising much because my knee is sore.  But I am going to have to find something that does irritate my knee.  And actually, when I ran last week that didnt seem to bother it.  So I may do one of the preset workouts on the treadmill until it gets warmer out.  Those preset workouts always seem to make me sweat!  I am not going to give up.  I dont like how my body feels or how it looks right now.  And its amazing how much it affects my self esteem.  Even though I may not have lost much last week I felt better about myself for trying.

The warmer weather will be getting here soon.  I dont want to feel as self conscious as I do now.  I want to fit in my size 12's that are in the tote under the bed waiting for me.  So I better get to it!!!  I guess its time to listen to the hubs who is forever telling me that exercise is the key. 

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Doing what works for me

Over the years I have taken many routes in the diet department in an attempt to lose weight and get healthy.  I have done Medifast, Weight Watchers, counted calories, Body for Life, South Beach, Atkins...etc.  I am sure there are more but those were the biggies.  I have learned a lot along the way, and I have pulled the things out of each plan that have worked for me. 

Medifast taught me to eat 5-6 smaller meals a day. It also taught me to make sure I am taking in enough carbs if I am going to attempt cardio exercise or else I will feel sick.

Weight watchers taught me portion sizes and pretty much runs along the same lines as calorie counting.  It has also taught me to journal my food so nothing is forgotten.  I am always shocked at how much more I eat when not "counting".

Calorie Counting never ceases to amaze me.  The calories add up soooo fast and it becomes quite clear why I struggle with my weight. 

Body for Life taught me a lot.  First, I finally understand the difference between simple and complex carbs.  I also learned that protein keeps the hunger away and that removing simple carbs (sugary foods) totally keeps my cravings away. This was a huge discovery for me.  It changed my whole feeling of hunger.  Hungry and craving something is much different than my tummy growling to remind me to eat. Is that what people who dont love food like I do feel?  Body for Life also promotes one "free" day a week which helped keep me on track the rest of the week.  It also promotes a lot of intense weight lifting to get good results.

Atkins and South Beach were not for me.  I need something that is more of a lifestyle change.  Although I did learn a lot about which foods have carbs and which dont.


I came up with a plan that I think will work well for me.

I am tracking my food daily. 
I drink tons of water like I always do.
I eat 5-6 meals a day to prevent hunger.
I have increased the protein in my diet to prevent hunger.
I aim for 1200 calories a day and give myself one free day a week-in moderation.
I attempt to stay away from sugary foods(simple carbs)  to prevent and avoid cravings***key for me!!!
When the knee feels good I will run and lift weights as I enjoy both.

I am impressed at how educated I have become over the years.  And I can finally say that I dont feel like a failure at any of these plans, although I am not at my goal weight.  I really learned a lot and took the useful stuff out of each of them.  Like I said before, learning how to keep cravings and hunger away is key for me.

I would love to hear your thoughts!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

How is it possible...

How is it possible that just four months ago I ran a half of a marathon and I felt better than I did after my one mile run today?  And can I even call it a run?  I had to STOP....twice ....during the run.  I didnt expect to have to stop at all during a "simple mile".  It was far from simple.  My body has lost so much since I stopped running and put on weight.  I do have a slight cold (my very sweet husband tried his best to convince me that this was part of the problem), but that its  just an excuse. Its just a stuffy nose.   My lungs hurt, like actually hurt.  I was out of breath, panting like I had been running uphill for miles or something.  How could I have let my body get this way?  

But........I am so glad that I remembered how it was when I first started running about two years ago.  It was this same feeling.  I couldnt run for very long.  There was little enjoyment.  But as time went on my body became conditioned and running became much easier and even fun!  I would rarely get out of breath and learned to pace myself.  My body became firmer. I never imagined my body would be conditioned to run miles and miles.  And, because I KNOW my body is capable of this and that running WILL become easier I will stick through it during this beginning and tough stage.  I feel so blessed to have the benfit of knowing this. 

The reason for my run today:

Although I had planned to run with my friend this morning, she was not feeling well and was not able to.  So, I admit that I was going to ditch the idea of running today.  Instead I went shopping with another friend...which proved the be the best thing I could have done today apparently.  I tried on a ton of things.  All the coats were too small.  Even the XL's.  There were so many cute coats I missed out on that once would have fit.  And then there was the dressing room.  Have my mirrors at home been telling me lies everyday?  In the dressing room any ounce of denial I had(and clearly there must have been some) has completely disappeared.  Every flaw I have was very evident in that mirror.  I tried on a pair of 14 jeans that didnt even make it up to my hip.  It felt like I was trying to squeeze into a size 2.  My stomach rolls made every shirt look unappealing,  my arms the biggest I have seen them, and my boobs looked sloppy.  Lets not forget the was there and my zipper was unattractively pressing tightly into the middle of it making it look like I had a left fupa and a right one.   And then came the bathing suits.  Shoot.. may as well add to the REALITY of what my body REALLY looks like, right?  I decided then I would run as soon as I got home.

Talk about a wake-up call.  It was harsh.  But it put me right where I need to be.  What I eat DOES matter and lack of exercise DOES make a difference.  I did this to myself.  There are no excuses and no one else to blame.  But again, I am blessed to know that my body can get down to a more pleasurable size with hard work and determination.  If I didnt know it was possible it would be harder to have the motivation.  I never thought I would be back at this spot again.  But the reality is that I am.  Every choice does matter.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Perfect timing

We all know that getting back on track can be quite a struggle.  So the fact that I have a cold and a lack of appetite and cravings is perfect timing!  Although, I do hope that I am feeling better tomorrow as I have a simple one mile run planned.  I expect that just one mile will be a struggle for me.  But its okay.  Its better to plan for struggles right?  Its tough to swallow the fact that I was running 13 miles 4 short months ago and that one mile will probably whoop me tomorrow!  But at the same time I am excited to get the ball rolling again.  My fingers are crossed that my knee will not be an issue.

I got on the scale this morning.  Its only day two of my recommitment but I wanted to have an accurate starting place.  It was bitter sweet.  Mostly bitter, but a tad sweet...hehe.  199.5.  So while I am up almost 40 lbs from my lowest weight of 160 (bitter) I did not see the 200's again (sweet).  I am ashamed that I am at this place.  I never thought in a million years I would go back. But at least I am not alllllllllllllllll the way back to where I started. 

Its super annoying and frustrating to have to lose pounds that I have already lost once, no doubt.  And at first it seemed so overwhelming.  But then some more positive thinking snuck up on..  Even though my pants are snug and some of the smaller 14's dont fit, I realized that I dont have to lose all 40 lbs instantly to get back into them.  I was wearing them just a few short weeks ago.  So its exciting to be able to set mini goals for myself that seem quite attainable.  Does that make sense.   If I look at the big number of RE-losing 40 lbs its much more frustrating than taking baby steps.  Instead I am going to choose to enjoy my successes along the way.  I will do my best to share them!

There are so many negative things that come along with this weight gain.  I wanted to lay it all out there so hopefully I can look back one day and realize that these things are gone!  Sometimes we overlook the progress we are making and I want to make sure I enjoy the successes that will come along the way (again). Here are a few of the negative things associated with my weight gain:

*Loss of self esteem
*Shame and embarrassment
*Not enjoying shopping for clothes
*Dreading getting dressed everyday bc not much fits
*Feeling uncomfortable in my own skin
*Achey joints
*Lack of motivation
*Bras are too tight.
*Stomach tire above my jeans is back
*Constant wonder if/where people see the weight gain

I am sure there are more but thats what I came up with. 

I was quite taken back by all the welcome backs on my post yesterday.  Thank you so much.  I guess I forgot what an awesome support system and community this is!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Back again

Yes, I am still here.   And no, it hasnt been pretty.  But kind of like cleaning, I was waiting and hoping for that *feeling* to come over me to get back on my weight loss kick.  It had been almost two years that I was focusing so intently on my weight.  And I dont know what happened that I got off track but I did.  Despite the shame and embarassment and unhappiness I have not been able to get it together.  Maybe I got tired of the everyday struggle.  Regardless of the excuses I can come up with I knew it was only a matter or time before I had enough.  It was only a matter of time before my priorities straightened out.  And its odd how sometimes as much as I know whats right I just cant get back on track until something clicks. 

I am so glad it did. 

Last night I put the girls to bed and sat down for some TV.  I was watching the show "HEAVY". Ever see it?  Its on Netflix.   I watched a few episodes and then at the end of one a large-ish man who had lost a ton of weight but was still bigger honored himself by running as many minutes as pounds that he had lost.  180 minutes he ran.  Thats three hours!  It sparked something in me.  I cant explain it.  It inspired me and reminded me how 4 short months ago I ran a half marathon.  And it made me want to run another. I had an excitement in me I havent felt in a while. 

I know I will have to start back at square one.  I am not concerned about that.  But what I AM really concerned about is that my left knee has really been hurting me.  I am hoping its just my body being angry at all the extra weight and lack of activity.  I have some sort of unspecified arthritis condition and I am hoping that running will only help my knee.  It never bothered me until the past month or so.  I am hoping I didnt injure it when I was lifting weights doing Body for Life. 

So fingers crossed. I would be so sad if I couldnt train for another half.  And the thought of going to the dr and jumping through their ridiculous hoops if it is an injury is not something I look forward to. 

As for my eating...  I have decided that tonight after I put the girls to bed I am going to go through my old blog posts and remind myself of what works well for me.  I have been so confused and overwhelmed with how to eat.  Lots of water, more protein, etc.  I think I will combine the plans I have done over the years and create one that is tailored for me. 

For those of you who have been following for a long time and are familiar with my journey, I would love to be "reminded" of things that you think worked and any opinions you might have. 

Thank you!!!