Thursday, March 8, 2012

My ultimate reward...

I knew that choosing a reward to get me to goal is a must for me.  And I knew this reward would have to be something that would really push me.  I have gotten down to 160 in the past and that is as low as I could get my body to go.  So...after much thought I decided that when I get into the 150's, even if it is 159, I am going to get a.......


Think what you will, judge if you must, but my FUPA is quite big and  literally hangs off the front of my body.  My zipper of my jeans cuts into it daily leaving a vertical line making it look like a butt.  And actually there is not much feeling to some of it and its always cold.  It makes me uncomfortable, and self conscious every single day.  If I dont wear a bathing suit with a skirt my fupa literally sits on my legs and leaves tan marks :(  This may be too much info for some, but its the truth.

I have done some reasearch about the surgery and have seen some before and after pics.  It was actually comforting to see that others have this "condition" and that the after results are good.  I dont ever plan to wear a bikini.  Thats not my goal.  But if I can get rid of the self consciousness then I am all for it.  I know it wont be cheap, or painless.  But I have been on this journey for a long time and I really need something to push towards.  My thinking is if we have taken loans out for a boat, work on the house, etc, then I am worth taking a loan out for too...  But I have to work hard to get to that point!!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

WW week one results

I am down 4.2 lbs after my first week of WW.  I used my weekly allowance points and I will continue to do so for now.  It allows me to feel less deprived. Yesterday my girls made whoopie pies.  I allowed myself to have one and tracked it.  I still find myself surprised by how much food I was eating a day.  Something that was like 10 points I would have two or three of in a sitting and that is all the points I get a day!  I have also learned to use fruit as a filler and to try to stay ahead of my hunger.  Once I get hungry I seem to lose control.

I have not been exercising much because I am trying to let my knee and foot rest.  Yup, my foot now too.  I have no idea what is going on so I figured it was best to not put stress on it for now.  The weather will be getting nice soon (I hope) and I want to be able to get out and run.  So I am trying to rest up and get some weight off so its less stress on my knee and foot. 4.2 lbs is a start!

I have been doing some thinking about my end goal.  What do I want it to be?  And I have also decided that when I reach that goal I am going to give myself a reward.  I will wait until another post to share it but its a biiiiiig reward that really has me excited to get to my goal!!!

Sunday, March 4, 2012

So glad so many people can relate

It was so heartwarming for me to read the responses on my last post.  I was surprised that so many people can relate.  I was really feeling like maybe something was wrong with me.  But it was great to realize that there are other people out there with the same struggles as me and that I am not alone.  And while I still dont really understand *why* I love food so much I know I am not alone. 

I treated Saturday like a free day and surely used up my extra 49 allowance points..  But they, thats what they are for. For me its about not feeling deprived and WW even says that is so important to achieve success.  And I know I should have counted every single thing I ate that day but I didnt.  But it was back to tracking today and it felt good.

Yesterday the sweets were calling to me.  I tried drinking more water so my belly would get full but I swear those chocolate cookies on the counter were calling me and the cheesecake in the fridge was too.  At home I try not to keep too many temptations in the house but we were at a friends house and they do not struggle with overweightness.  And again I was wondering why I am so different.    How come they can have those things in the house and be thin and I cant?  Not sure why this has been bothering me so much over the past few weeks.

Our house is for sale and we had a showing yesterday.  Do you have ANY idea what it is like to get your house ready to show?  Well maybe for some people its no big deal(and trust me I have seen some houses where people just dont care) but for me it means spotlessness.  Everything has to have a home.  I swear my house looked like it should have been on HGTV.  We dont have a house to move into yet so I am a little indifferent to selling right now.  There is so much crap out there that is overpriced.  It makes us second guess moving since we remodeled our house to make it what we want it to be.  Supposedly the people liked it but need to sell their house first.  Same story here.  But there is nothing out there that we love right now.  We want acreage(like lots), a house with enough living space,reasonable taxes (which seems impossible in this state), privacy, yet convenience to what we need and not too far from our friends.  We love our current house but dont have the acreage or as much privacy as we would like.

I have been praying about making the right decision.  I was hoping this past showing would lead us in the right direction.  I know its not quite the season for buying/selling.  So for now we will just keep on praying.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

This was hard for me to write

I am still in awe of how much food I have been eating for the past several months.  It really has me thinking and questioning myself.  If what/how I am eating on WW is considered "normal" then why do I always want more of everything?   Why do I always think about food?

Growing up we rarely ate out.  My mom worked full time yet still always had a healthy homecooked meal on the table each night.  It wasnt until I was in high school that I started eating fast food but only here and there(I worked at a mall).  Then in college there was so much freedom and I ate the crappiest food.  I remember seeing all these skinny girls working out and eating salad all the time yet they were the big partiers too.  I remember going to the dining hall and getting grilled cheese and dessert and then going to the school store where I could use my meal card to buy anything in there including cookies, chips, sweets, etc.  But even then I wasnt that overweight.

But somewhere along the line I learned to really love food.  Especially fast food.   And to this day I still love it.  I could eat McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell, or Wendys at any given time.  I am always hungry for something from these places.  Even when we would go to a nice dinner it is so tempting for me to order the greasiest, fattiest things. 


Why do some people not love food like I do?  I  have friend who go all day and dont think of eating until their stomach says its time.  Why do I get excited when its time to eat and always look forward to the next meal?  When we get an invite somewhere I wonder what kind of food they will have.  I have always thought that I didnt have an unhealthy relationship with food and that I just like it.  But now I am wondering if I was wrong.  Everyday is a battle for me when it comes to food choices.  Is it a mental thing that I have it set in my head that those things are yummy?  Its not like I binge eat, but I do recognize that I have a embarrassingly large appetite and make unhealthy food choices because they seem to taste best to me.  I dont feel like I eat to make myself feel better, I just LOVE food. It tastes yummy.   Some people love scrapbooking, or baseball, or jewelry...I love eating.  I just wish I loved eating carrots and lettuce instead of big fat juicy hamburgers and high calorie sweets.

For some reason this post was embarrassing for me to write.  Maybe its the possibility that something is wrong with me instead of me just passing it off as I like to eat.  Or maybe because I am realizing that it more a struggle for me than I thought.