Get a grip

I just cannot seem to get a grip.  I have undone so much of my hard work which makes it that much harder to get back on track.  I am so disappointed in myself and that doesnt help either!   I have been very honest throughout this entire journey and that isnt going to change.  I know that I will get back into my groove.  I keep trying and somehow fail day after day.  And its such a reminder of the old Jen.  Then I feel even worse that I am headed back the direction and cant seem to get a grip!!!! 

I talked with the hubs today who has not been off track.  He has been been stayed on track despite my train wreck.  I told him maybe I dont need the pressure of being on one specific plan.  Maybe I just need to eat well and exercise.  That sounds so simple right?  Right...until I get cravings and hungry.  Thats the point where all heck breaks loose with me.  When I was doing body for life it was the first time ever in life that I didnt have cravings.  If I had hunger it was a growling belly yet no irresistible cravings.  And for me thats just what cravings are for me.  Irresistible. 

Soooo.....

Knowing this, and knowing me maybe the best thing is to pick back up on Body for Life.  I really enjoyed the weight lifting and I was starting to see some results in my muscles.  But maybe instead of signing myself up for the intensity of being on plan 100%, I can use it more as a guide instead of as a rigid plan.  I can still have a free day or maybe even two some weeks.  But the rest of the time I can eat the things that fend off the cravings and hunger because that seems to be where my issue lies. 

Does anyone have any thoughts? 

Oh, and although I havent stepped on the scale I am certain that I back up over the 200 lb mark....which is like 40 lbs more than lowest and 30 lbs less than my highest.  This is not a happy place for my body.  Its angry actually.  Heartburn, sluggish, grumpy, low self esteem...all the things I swore I wold never go back to! I walked past a mirror the other day and couldnt believe what I saw.  I remember saying this very same thing after losing the weight!!

But even so, I do know for sure that I will get back down to where I want to be. Or at least close.  Because it felt too good.  Its mind over matter.  I just need to get into the right place to make that change.

It ain't pretty...

Sometimes the truth ain't pretty.  This is one of those times.  I have been off my Body for Life plan since my free day on Christmas Day.  Its now weeks later and I still cant pull myself together.  There is hunger.  There are cravings.  And there is a scale.  A very truth telling scale.  I am at 196 lbs.  That was is way too close to 200 for comfort for me.  I lived  way over 200 lbs for years.  I dont want to go back.  I can see the chubbiness back in my face.  I can feel the tiredness.  I feel the despair and disappointment.  I feel the shame and embarassment.

So....

Why the heck cant I pull it together?  When I was doing Body for Life rigidly I had no cravings.  No hunger other than occasion hunger growls reminding me to eat.  The weight loss was slow.  But it was working.  I get one fully free day a week to eat whatever it is I please.  So what is my issue?   There is no excuse.  Blah Blah Blah.  Get back to it Jen.  It felt good.  So do it.  Period.

I have still been doing the weight workouts but not on the schedule the plan requires.  And oddly I have the itch to run outside.  It has been oddly warm here in New York state so far this season.  And by warm I mean 40* is awesome! There has been minimal snow which is unheard of where I live.  I am so excited to have the itch to run.  Although I am fully aware that it isnt going to be pretty when I get this heavier than usual body out there to do it.

I have also been thinking about another half marathon.  I know I want to do the one next fall which is the same one I did last year.  But I want to do another one sooner.  So I am looking into that as well.  And obviously it is on my mind heavily because I even dreamed about it last night.  I dreamed that I was running the half effortlessly and realized at the end that I had finished in an amazing time.  For some reason 17 minutes keeping coming to mind.  Obviously I cant run a half marathon in 17 minutes.  But.................................  maybe I can run it in 2 hours and 17 minutes?  Sounds like a good goal to me!  My last one was at 2 hours and 38 minutes.  The odd part of my dream was that much like other half marathon dreams I have had, I had stuff with me that I needed to get rid of so I could run.  In other dreams it was my purse that I left with the cafeteria ladies.  In this dream it was my coat (which did not resemble any coat I own by the way) that I tucked under a podium.  Yup, THE podium that was being used at the awards ceremony after this half marathon I just ran.  I was able to get it.  But odd, right?

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I have a gift card to Kohls that I got for Christmas that I really want to use!  But I wont until my weight is back down into the 170's at least.

Today I am thankful for:
*the plan that the hubs and I just made to get back on track.  My meals are planned out for the day tomorrow.  Whoo hoo! One step at a time.  One meal at at time.  One choice at a time.