Monday, January 9, 2012

It ain't pretty...

Sometimes the truth ain't pretty.  This is one of those times.  I have been off my Body for Life plan since my free day on Christmas Day.  Its now weeks later and I still cant pull myself together.  There is hunger.  There are cravings.  And there is a scale.  A very truth telling scale.  I am at 196 lbs.  That was is way too close to 200 for comfort for me.  I lived  way over 200 lbs for years.  I dont want to go back.  I can see the chubbiness back in my face.  I can feel the tiredness.  I feel the despair and disappointment.  I feel the shame and embarassment.

So....

Why the heck cant I pull it together?  When I was doing Body for Life rigidly I had no cravings.  No hunger other than occasion hunger growls reminding me to eat.  The weight loss was slow.  But it was working.  I get one fully free day a week to eat whatever it is I please.  So what is my issue?   There is no excuse.  Blah Blah Blah.  Get back to it Jen.  It felt good.  So do it.  Period.

I have still been doing the weight workouts but not on the schedule the plan requires.  And oddly I have the itch to run outside.  It has been oddly warm here in New York state so far this season.  And by warm I mean 40* is awesome! There has been minimal snow which is unheard of where I live.  I am so excited to have the itch to run.  Although I am fully aware that it isnt going to be pretty when I get this heavier than usual body out there to do it.

I have also been thinking about another half marathon.  I know I want to do the one next fall which is the same one I did last year.  But I want to do another one sooner.  So I am looking into that as well.  And obviously it is on my mind heavily because I even dreamed about it last night.  I dreamed that I was running the half effortlessly and realized at the end that I had finished in an amazing time.  For some reason 17 minutes keeping coming to mind.  Obviously I cant run a half marathon in 17 minutes.  But.................................  maybe I can run it in 2 hours and 17 minutes?  Sounds like a good goal to me!  My last one was at 2 hours and 38 minutes.  The odd part of my dream was that much like other half marathon dreams I have had, I had stuff with me that I needed to get rid of so I could run.  In other dreams it was my purse that I left with the cafeteria ladies.  In this dream it was my coat (which did not resemble any coat I own by the way) that I tucked under a podium.  Yup, THE podium that was being used at the awards ceremony after this half marathon I just ran.  I was able to get it.  But odd, right?

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I have a gift card to Kohls that I got for Christmas that I really want to use!  But I wont until my weight is back down into the 170's at least.

Today I am thankful for:
*the plan that the hubs and I just made to get back on track.  My meals are planned out for the day tomorrow.  Whoo hoo! One step at a time.  One meal at at time.  One choice at a time.

13 comments:

Christina said...

I wish u the best of luck getting back on track. I know how it feels to be out of control and not know how to take control again. It sounds like u have took the first step. Wishing u success in your weight loss and hope u run that half marathon quicker than u did last time.

http://nevertheskinnygirl.blogspot.com

Shelley said...

Ack, getting off track can make it so hard to get back on...but you CAN do it, and not only do I have faith that you'll be spending that Kohl's gift card soon, you'll also be rocking your next half marathon!

Jessica said...

For some reason, you won't show up in my blog roll. Not sure why...so I always miss your posts.
Sometimes it is hard to get back on track, but you can do it!

Joy said...

It's tough being off track. But you can get right back into your plan. Just do what you know, keep focused and push toward your goals!! YOU CAN DO IT!!

Keep focused!

Karen said...

You can get back on track and I know you will. I wish there was a pill to take that would melt away the unwanted pounds! That would be so much easier. Good for you on wanting to do another half marathon. That is great.

SG said...

i feel your pain. its so hard staying on track. i have been there where my body feels like its made of lead and i cant pick myself up and DO it.

Bring Pretty Back said...

You know what I love about this post??? You are aware and conscious of your weight - cravings -goals...
I am sure - if you are at all like me - there were YEARS I knew I was fat . Knew I was miserable - but dodn't realllllllly think about it. I just went day to day.
You know you are knocking on 200's door. You know you do not want to go back there. You know you need to get moving. That says you are going to be alright. You can keep this under control. BRAVO.
Go girl.
Thank you for the inspiration!
Have a pretty day!
Kristin

Enz said...

It is so hard to get your head back in the game once you lose it, but you can and will. Planning your meals is the first step. Each step you take brings you closer :) Keep going. Don't give up.

Cozy in Texas said...

Don't beat yourself up. Look back on past victories and I know you've had many. I'm finding it hard to get back into a healthy lifestyle again. I was terrible last year. When I went to LA Weight Loss they said you crave what's in your body. There's a Dr. Oz post on my blog that gives some advice on cravings. Go to the post list on the left hand bar and look for Dr. Oz.
Ann

Mom to the Fourth Power said...

You are going to get your mojo back... you've just got that in you girl!

I tagged you btw... I know get tagged alot but I had to do it too! :)

Hugs
~Margene

foodfamilyfitness.com said...

It is so damn hard getting back on track! I was off the WW track for 3 weeks and it's been hell getting back on. One day and one meal at a time, you can do it!!!

Jen@FoodFamilyFitness

Desert Singer said...

Thinking of you and sending energetic happy thoughts your direction!! YOU CAN DO IT YES YOU CAN!! YOU CAN DO IT, JEN JEN JEN (so I don't rhyme well... LOL!!!)

hang in there!

Jessica said...

Just wanting to check in with you since there hasn't been a post is a couple of weeks! Hope things are ok!!!