Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Remember me?

Where to begin.  Its was June that I last posted.  At that point I had managed to get myself back up to 200 lbs.  I am so embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I have put even more weight on.  Actually, I do believe I am at an all time high weight for myself.  I have a ton of excuses but really when it all comes down to it, they are just excuses.  I weighed 240 lbs this morning on the scale.  I remember being so upset when I was training for my half marathon and  my weight jumped to 180 lbs.  What I would do to get back down to that weight!  I guess its all relative.

My body is angry.  My joints ache to the point where its painful to walk.  I have knots in my neck and shoulders again.  My back hurts. I have headaches again, and my heartburn is awful.  But worse than all of this is the disgust I have with myself.  The embarrassment I feel and the fear or who I will run into when I go out is a feeling I hadnt missed.  It is back.  I am ashamed.  What will people think, or say, when they see all this weight I have put on?  I have lost my confidence.  I definitely had some setbacks that made it difficult to exercise for a while.  I had two foot/toe injuries back to back.  But that set me back a month total probably.  And we bought a new house and moved over the summer.  I started my new job.  Yada Yada....these are all excuses I have made for myself.  So what...things got busy. Everyone gets busy.  Really what happened is that I lost control of me.  I stopped taking care of me. 

Its time to get it back. I deserve it.  My family and friends deserve a better me too.  When I am happier with me, I am a better wife and mother.  I am a better daughter and friend. 

And I think there is no better place to start than here.  I am going to head back to the start of my blog and begin reading.  I want to remember the good things, and the bad.  I want to remember what works for me, and what doesnt.  I want to remember the feelings I was having and how I stayed motivated all that time.  I want the happy me back again.  I have become miserable. Cranky. Its such a cycle. I gained weight. I got cranky. I made the cranky go away by eating. And as I was making the cranky go away for a few minutes as I ate, it only made for more cranky as the numbers crept up and up on the scale.  Its such a cycle.  And I am mad that I thought I had beat it.  It just goes to show this is a battle I will have to fight every day of my life.

Tomorrow I have a hair appointment.  I am getting it chopped.  I am going to have the brows done and hopefully at the end of the day, I will feel like a new me on a new road to my success.  I definitely took some wrong turns in this journey but hey, as mad as it makes me, I am accepting it and moving on from this point.  Otherwise, I continue to spiral downward.  I have done this before, and I will do it again.  I have the benefit of knowing how it felt to cross the finish line at the half marathon.  I know how it felt when I wore a size 10.  I know how it felt when I was not embarrassed to meet new people, or bump into old friends.  I know how it felt to be confident and content and how it spilled into all the other parts of my life.  Some people never get that chance.  I have been there.  And I want to be back there. 

 I have been there.  I want to be back there.  Here I come.



Debsdailylife said...

Jen!!!!!!!!!! Oh Jen!!! I have been wondering and praying!! SO proud of you for being open and honest, and vulnerable!!! Heres to a New Year, a new start. Move forward!! Forgive yourself!

Shelley said...

I was so surprised and happy to see your comment tonight, Jennifer - welcome back. I'm sorry everything got out of control for you. You are right to go back and read your archives; I really think that should be required reading for all of us weight-loss bloggers. It's too easy to forget how hard we worked, otherwise.

Happy New Year, and happy new attitude!

Jac said...

Three cheers for your new commitment to yourself! You can totally do this again, and now having the awareness of what a regain feels like, you'll hopefully find it easier to maintain next time.

Karen said...

Welcome back! You sound so sad and I don't like sad. It's awesome that you are getting back on track. Looking forward to hearing about your progress. Happy Jen needs to come back! :)

Desert Singer said...

So So Glad to see you... seems you and me kinda are on some sort of 'same plane' existence. I gained 30 lbs of the 100 I lost in 2011 last year.

I have a running book and a friend has told me about a running group... plan to try it for 29 days.

I'm still Medifasting until June, but want to see what the Slow-Carb Diet is about (with a full on cheat day!).

WE CAN DO THIS!! My Ultimate goal is to get to 180. I weighed in at 276.6 this morning. Life happens, and we need to remember to NOT say anything to ourselves that we would not say to anyone else in our outside voices!

As a co-worker once said in response to a question about a new system... "is it really going to do all these wonderful things you're promising?" and the co-worker said... "well, it was touched by humans..."

We are Human. But every day is a new chance. We have the ability to start again. ♥

Sarah said...

Every choice is a new opportunity to take pride in your self. Happy New Year!

Kelly said...

I am so glad to see you are back, Jen!! Fall down 7 times, get back up 8.