Reoccurring dream....

The self doubt is settling in.  I dont like it.  Last night I had a dream that left me exhausted when I woke up.  I have had several variations of the same idea behind this dream over the past few months.  The half marathon is two weeks from Sunday.  Oh dear.  Its coming up and nerves are settling in.  Especially knowing that I am attacking this goal solo.  Well sorta.  I will have support there (yaaaaay!!!-I am soooo excited about this)and my cousin will be running the race too, but surely not at my much slower pace.  Anyway, here was my dream last night:

Its half marathon day.  I am running late (I am a pretty prompt person so this is stressful for me).  I am fumbling around looking for my running shoes.  I cant find them.  There is an option to wear different shoes but can I run 13.1 miles without MY shoes???  Then I find them.  I get to the race.  I am late and it has already started.  I realize I dont have my Ipod.  I am stressing.  How can I run without my Ipod????  I NEED music to run. Wait, I can go get it.  But its not charged and I dont have time to charge it.  Because I am late remember?  I am dreading the run because now I am late and dont have any running music.  I am looking for a place to put my purse so I can go run.  I leave it with these random ladies who are selling food.  There are thousands of people cheering at the start, and all along the course.  I am shocked to see this but excited.  I start running.   I am passing a few people but not many.  I am really behind.  Then I have to squeeze through these parallel bars which are a bridge and pretty close together.  I think to myself "well, I guess they assume runners are thin".  I squeezed through.  I continue running until I woke up and thought to myself, that was a short 13.1 miles!  But I was exhausted when I woke up. 

I think I have a sinus infection which has left me very cranky and impossible to run.  I say that with total honestly.  It hurts to even talk, let alone sneeze or bend over.  My head and eyeballs are killing me.  My teeth even ache.  I cant taste properly.  I am exhausted and even napped today.  Thats a rarity. 

The bottom line is that I am feeling unprepared.  I am getting scared.   What if its rainy?  I hate running in the rain.  What if I cant do it?  What if my sinuses still hurt?  What if I have to walk?  What if I let myself down?  Or my "peeps" who are coming to support me?  What if its a miserable run (I have had my share lately)WHAT IF _______ (the list goes on and on).   The self doubt is speaking to me and the only way for me to combat it is to go out for a long run and prove that I can do it.  But I need my sinuses better in order to do it.  I need to set myself up for success!  Its only 16 days away.  I have worked too hard to let this dream slip away now.  I completed the whole half marathon training schedule which dropped me off at 10 miles....and that was several weeks ago.  I put on weight.  I am down 10.8 on weight watchers though so I am getting there.  But I am surprised at my fear of this half when I have been so excited all along!

20 days....

Until the half marathon.  20 DAYS.  That is soon!  It is really down to business now.  I  havent done a long run in a while for the fear that I cant.  I had several terrible runs in a row that mentally did me in.  But I know I can do it.  I have been doing short runs all week that were not too bad on me  :)  I wanted to get myself back into the swing of things.  And it worked.  So, on one of the non raining cooler days coming up I am going to head out for 10 miles.  I got this.  I can do it.  And it will feel awesome when I am done!  I cant wait to feel that feeling again!  Its amazing :)

So to get myself "in the mood" and super psyched I decided that I must have a special shirt of some sort for my first half marathon.  I have found many online and even some for my girls.  I am having a hard time deciding so I thought there would be no better place to get opinions than right here from you all.  So here are the saying.  Let me know what you think.

kinda sappy?

I like the saying but would look for a "prettier shirt"

Love this :)

Love this one too...

Ha!  Love this too!

cute...

 true?

Funny but not in the running....

And here are the options for the girls shirts (they are 3 and 4).

Thought this was cute since the last sign they made me said "RUN MOMMA RUN!"

comes in pretty colors...

And although the hubs wont be running the half with me, he is always saying how much he hates running but that he does it for me and to stay in shape...  so I feel he should have this one:

It amazes me that a shirt with some writing on it can get me all excited.  haha.

I am still here.

The lack of blogging is because I havent been able to get easy access to the computer.  We had our hardwoods refinished in the bedrooms so all three rooms of stuff were in the living room.  It was not a pretty sight.  But now that its all done it was soooo worth it.  The floors look brand new.  They were pretty damaged when we bought the house so I am so impressed!  We replaced all the doors and closet doors and painted the bedrooms so it has been a very busy week to say the least. 

But here is my WW update.  I lost 7.2 lbs the first week, and that was even with my "friend" visiting!  Yaaay!  I wasnt sure I was going to like the new plan they have.  I was used to the old one I did way back in the day.   But I have embraced it with some advice from a friend.  Fruit is now free (zero points) and I found myself feeling actually guilty for eating it.  Like it was uncounted calories or something.  And I didnt want to use my 49 weekly allowance points because I felt guilty.  Well... I was talking about this on day one of my plan and my friend said something that really clicked.  She said, stop overanalyzing the plan (I am good at this) and let it work for you. She said it is medically calculated.   Follow it like they tell you to and see how you body reacts.  So,  I ate 30 ish of my allowance points last week, ran a few short runs, ate lots of fruits and veggies and apparently it worked for me :)  I told my leader about what my friend said and I bet she talks about it at a future meeting.  She was super excited about it and said the advice was excellent and asked if my friend was a psychologist.  hehe. 

On the half marathon front...  Its three weeks away and I really need to step it up.  I had several very difficult runs in the past few weeks and really struggled getting back out there.  There is the dread factor coming in which I usually dont feel while running.  So...on yesterdays run, it felt good so I made it only a 2 mile run so I could feel successful about it.  Its good but I am still struggling with getting out there today.  I know once I get out there and do a long run successfully I will be right back where I was.  Its getting there that is the struggle. 

My legs have been tired lately.  Thats has been the biggest issue when running.  I am not used to that.  Not sure what it is.  I think part of it is that I had gained 25 lbs fairly quickly.  I now have 7 of that off :) Keep on trucking.  Thats my plan.

My hubs just came home and we are going for a run.  And to leave you with a chuckle...he just asked me if I am going to bring my WALKMAN.  Haha!   I havent heard that word in ages.  And yes, I will be bringing my Ipod :)

Tomorrow is the day

I have made plans to go to Weight Watchers tomorrow.  A friend of mine is also joining with me   I feel very strongly that although I will support her,  I am on this mission on my own.  My success is up to me.  So whether she does great, or not so great, that is totally independent of my experience.  Does that make sense?  I am dreading to see what the scale says tomorrow but I am super excited to get on a plan that I believe in.  I look forward to learning and turning my focus on my eating.  I think its just what I need at this point.  If I have a structured plan to follow I can do great, I know it.

I went for a short run today.  Last week I ran in the rain and really struggled.  I stopped several times and just really wasnt into it.  It was probably the worst run I have had.  It made me soooo hesitant to get back out there and try it again, especially knowing my eating has not been good.  I blame only myself.  My weight is up, my pants are tight (to the point I cant wear most of them) and I am cranky about it.  So I thought getting out there for a planned short run might help me better than forcing myself to get back into by running a longer distance.  Also, the hubs can tell I am struggling.  He bought me a new pair of running shoes that I have had my eye on.  He really does want me to succeed.  Here they are:

I needed a little flashiness, hehe.  Today was my first run with them which is the other reason I did only 2 miles.  I wanted to gently break them in.  I completed the two miles but it wasnt as enjoyable, or easy as usual.  But its done.  I needed to get back out there just do it.  My shirt says so...see?

I guestimate the weigh in tomorrow to be somewhere around 190(this shirt hides the extra fluff well).  I was down to 160 and it disgusts me to have undone my hard work.  But its going to take more than disgust to get me back to 160(which at one point was not even good enough....grrrr).  Its going to take lots of hard work and determination.  So...here I go again. 

Some pics from the past...just what I needed.

I wish I could say that I got myself 100% on track and that I am no longer "flawed".  But this blog is about honesty and thats what you will get (like it or not).  Yesterday I did excellent to start out.  Even attempted a run with the hubs in the pouring rain.  I barely started and had all these unfamiliar pains thatcame out immediately.  The insides of my knees really hurt.  The outsides of my shins were extremely painful.  Not to mention I was drenched and wearing pants that were dragging on the ground.  So annoying.  It was the first time in my half marathon training that I had to stop and walk.  And I kid you not that I wasnt even a half mile in.  I had to stop several times during the two miles because my legs hurt so bad.  The hubs kept telling me I just wasnt into it.  I so wasnt.  I was cranky.  In fat mode even.  But what scared me was that I actually didnt feel capable.  How could it be that I ran 10 miles less than a week before and I couldnt even go a few hundred feet without stopping???????????  I think part of it is that I am in that "I have failed" mode.  After eating well all day yesterday I was still hungry.  So what did I do?  I didnt have a bologna and cheese sandwich with real mayonnaise.  Nope.  I had two!!!!!!   Oh I was so pissed after all the yumminess was gone.  Today wasnt much better.

Until.....

I decided that I am going to join Weight Watchers.  It feels good.  I am good at following orders or protocol or schedules...or whatever you want to say.  I did excellent on Medifast.  But that isnt a plan that is an option as I finish up my half marathon training.  Then the icing on the cake....the thing that made me realize that I am done with this little time off I have had from my healthy lifestyle.  I was looking for my resume.  I came across a disc.  I thought maybe it could be on there.  So I popped it in.  Here is what I saw:

Does this picture say it all or what??? Cake...

Its like my boobs and my stomach are all one...

I am more amused that the hubs has hair here....

Yes, I am brushing his teeth.  And the cats wanted some.  Sadly, none of these pets are alive any longer. My sadness was dulled a bit by my realization that I look so uncomfortable doing this task....

Ummmmm...... huh.  No words.

While I believe that I still have a big girl mentality to some extent I was actually suprised to see these pics and realize just how different I look these days.  For a while I didnt see a change.  Now I definitely do :)  And I think that God has such an amazing way of answering prayers.  Because as my husband spoke in his own words to me yesterday, I am "totally off the wagon".  Its the first time I have really felt out of control since this weight loss/healthy lifestyle journey began.  I believe that me seeing these pics was just what I needed. 

Here is a reminder of what I look like today....sorta...



Thank you God for answering my prayers.  For helping me through this little hump and for putting such supportive people in my life.  You all know who you are....  Thank you.  I choose to be the second set of pics.  I choose to be active and happy.  Its all about choices isnt it???

Enough is Enough

Yup.  The title says just how I feel tonight.  I have been teetering for weeks now between feeling guilty for not eating "perfectly" and feeling bad for myself because I have been running my tookis off and not losing weight.  I did all this research about how some people gain 15 lbs or so when they are training for a half/full marathon, and when they stop training the weight goes back off.  So for a few days thats what I told myself.  It had to be that because otherwise it didnt make sense.  Its been super frustrating for me. 

But today I saw things clearly.  I ate like crap.  I have been for a while now.  I can no longer kid myself.  Yes, it could be worse like it used to be.  But regardless, I have been making bad calorie choices for sure.  Today the results spoke loud and clear to me (and then smacked me in the face).  I put on a tshirt I have been wearing all summer and it felt like it was two sizes too small.  Ooooohhhh....It hurt.  Its probably the worst I have felt in this journey.  It was the reality of what is going on here staring me right in the face.  My pants have been snuggish for a while now.  But this was beyond snuggish.  This was like I didnt even TRY to put on a pair of pants because I knew they wouldnt zip...if I could even get them over my hips.  My boobs are busting out of my bra in a sloppy way.  The weight is piling on quick.  I have seen this before back when I was obese.

Enough Is Enough.

Aint gonna happen.  I emailed my gym asking what the current rates are.  My membership just ended (much of it wasted...but I digress...) and I need to get back in there.  My body felt good when I was counting calories and toning up.  The summer is about over and there is a routine in the horizon.  I just told my mom today that I am looking forward to the fall because for some reason I can always get my weight in check in the fall.  I dont know what it is.  Less of the summer crappy foods and parties?  The cooler weather? 

Enough of the pity party, and enough of the excuses.  Enough of the constant indulgences, and enough of this "I can eat this because I ran today" mindset.  My weight affects so many aspects of who I am.  It overflows into all parts of my life.  The buck stops here.  My eyes are wide open.  I clearly see this self-sabotage.  Enough Is Enough.  I am going to do this once and for all...

10 miles and a virus?

I am so thankful that my 10 mile run yesterday felt so great!  It was my first 10 miler and after having several not so great runs in the past week I was pretty nervous. Its so hard to get out there and run again after a tough run, let alone several tough runs!  I decided I must have had some kind of virus.  I was sooooo tired for a few days there and my tummy was off.  And what I thought was allergies must have been a little virus because now the hubs is getting over the same thing.  So you can imagine how excited I was to get out there and NOT struggle during my 10 miles yesterday :)  I felt like a rockstar. 

I did something yesterday I didnt think I would ever do.  Laura and I headed out for her long run of 8 miles. At that point I wasnt sure I would continue on for my 10 miles.  We had our Gu and Power Bar energy gels (LOVE these), and a small handheld bottle of water.  We were thirsty and the water was gone quickly.  We kept going and I couldnt believe how thirsty I was.  I am not sure I have ever been so thirsty.  Maybe even desperate.  We were running along the lake where there are some pretty nice houses.  So many miles to go and no more water :(  So what did we do?  This little older guy was in his driveway and we stopped and asked him if he would refill our water.  I think we surprised him but he said to meet him at the front door.  He was talking to us for a minute and then his wife appeared wondering who the heck he was talking to.  Let me just tell you how good this very cold plain ole water tasted!  We were so thankful and we will surely drop a thank you card off into their mailbox within the next few days.

Now...this is not something I thought I would ever do.  My husband is a cop.  I watch Criminal Minds.  It wasnt the safest thing to do.  This is how people get killed.  I am aware.  But I was sooooo thirsty!  And I hoped that with one look at me he would realize we really were just thirsty, and not a threat.  We were sweaty, I had my ipod strapped on my arm, wristbands on my elbows to stop the sweat from dripping off me during the whole run (very annoying for me), the running outfit complete with a soaked discolored sweat mark under my boobs along my stomach.  I hoped we didnt look intimidating.  Whats so amazing is that after he gave us the water and we were chatting, he told us how his daughter and granddaughter are doing the same half marathon we are training for in October!  We totally picked the perfect house and we told them just that!  But I also believe that God had something to do with this :) Laura and I discussed that if someone came to our house for such a thing we probably would have been too scared and untrusting to help.   Yup, a thank you card is a must for these nice people!