WI in results and no gym :(

While I was really hoping to feel betterenough to make it to the gym yesterday, it didnt happen.  Instead, my mom, husband, Laura and my boss GANGED up on me and demanded I go to the dr.  I almost fell over when I realized my hubs did this!  He is not really the type, so he must have been worried.  So, instead of the gym I ended up at the dr's office.  I am not a fan of dr's or how most of the healthcare system is run.  At least not the ones I have been to.  I have had some super sour experiences and now find that I will do most anything to avoid a trip to the dr.  Its mainly become a fear I have developed (says me with my handy dandy psych degree :)   So after waiting an hour in the waiting room and another 20 minutes in the actual room, the dr came in like a whirlwind and was out in less than 3 minutes I think.  The verdict?  Bronchitis (although she never told me this...I learned from the paper I left with) Apparently, its bad enough that I need an inhaler and steroids to accompany my antibiotics.  She said she should xray me but since she is treating me anyway theres no point.  Fine with me.  I had already spend enough time in that place.  I havent been able to talk in three days because of all the coughing I have done. Apparently my vocal cords and lungs and such are quite inflamed.  I prefer to say they are angry in there...    I have been sooooooooo tired.  Not like, oh I could use a nap, but more like if i dont lay down my body is going to stop working...dog tired.  Who made that phrase up anyway?  My dogs arent tired... Anyway...  I was disappointed when she said I needed prednisone (steroid) because I know it makes me hungry.  And it makes me unable to sleep.  Oh, and sweaty apparently(the hubs and kids were less than thrilled with the open windows and fans on today).  And I realized at the pharmacy that it is a higher dosage than I took back when I had some sort of reactive arthritis.  So, I was less than thrilled to say the least.   But at this point I am REALLY accepting that I do need medicine.  I started the antibiotics last night and the prednisone this morning.  Any doubt I had about starting it was erased when I got up this morning and could barely breathe while coughing :(   I was actually crying as I called my mom( because my mom can fix everything in my eyes).

So, today I am feeling a little better.  I think its going to be a longer road to recovery than I planned.  But I am realizing that getting better is what is important.  And I will do my best to eat well while STARVING on this medicine.    And I should be happy this is happening now and not last month before my half marathon.  See?  Isnt that me being a glass is half full kinda gal?

And the good news is........

Today I am thankful for:
*I lost 4.7 lbs last week!!!!!   184.6  I hope my scale was telling the truth.  The one at the drs was much meaner.  But arent they always?  Plus I had my shoes and coat on.  Lets call it the truth for now.  10 lbs in two weeks! 

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I went with the hubs to grab something he needed at his work.  I waited in the car with the kids.  As his coworkers were coming in and out I was hoping they didnt see me.  Then I realized that I am back to being ashamed of my weight.  Not a good feeling and I cant wait to lose it again!!

Indulge vs Overindulge????

I am unsure what tomorrow's weigh in will bring after being sick this week (I still am) and throwing Thanksgiving into the mix.  I have not stepped on the scale since last Monday.  But it is what it is and whatever number it shows I accept it.  I dont feel like I overindulged at all. I indulged as most people do on Thanksgiving, but I dont think I overindulged.  Does that make sense to anyone out there??  This was again, one of those eye opening, clicking, light bulb thoughts I had.  I had some pie and cheesecake, but small slices.  I tried to be careful of my portion sizes.  But come Wednesday I came down with a relentless chest cold and I havent exercised since. Unless you count constant coughing as exercise...because I will have lost significantly this week if I can count that!  hehe.

I am hoping to feel better in the morning.  At least well enough to make it to the gym.  I am going to try some new training techniques this week.  I feel good about having a structured routine instead of just feeling disorganized or unsure when it comes to weight training.  Thanks to Jamie for the info she sent me!! A personal trainer isnt an option for me right now so this really feels like a Godsend.   I really cant wait to get started.  I am going to add that onto my cardio and see where it takes me.  My measurement are already on file on the gym (an included service :) so I will check them again in a month or so.  I am so excited. 

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I noticed that since I have put some of the weight back on that my self confidence has slipped away.  I am finding that just the effort I am making is helping but I look forward to feeling more confident with time.

Today I am thankful for:
*sugar free jello.  Need I say more?

No hungries

Thanksgiving is over and now the tree is up.  I did some black Friday shopping which really was on Thanksgiving.  But my little girls benefited by me waiting in line.  They will have two brand new bikes with training wheels under the tree Christmas morning.  Well, maybe next to the tree.  I am not really sure how I feel about the new "let shop on thanksgiving night" thing.  Thanksgiving should be about giving thanks.  I think I sound more like my mother every day.

My family came into town on Wednesday and left this morning.  It was such a nice time like usual.  Although they are only two hours away I miss them a lot, as do my hubs and kids.  My mom cooked most of Thanksgiving dinner by herself, I am sorry to say :(  For those of you who have asked how my daughter is feeling...she is much better.  But now mommy has one heck of a chest cold.  I went to lay down for "a few minutes" on Thanksgiving and when I woke up it was over 2 hours later.   I am not a daytime napper.  My body doesnt really allow it.  So I must have been sick in order for me to actually fall asleep!  I can feel things loosening up in there today so I am hoping I am on the mend.

I am not sure if its the sickness or what but I havent had much of an appetite.  I mean, I have been eating my points, and did enjoy some dessert but the hungry thoughts are not there.  No hungries?  It was so odd and I cant help but wonder is this what people who do not have an intense love for food are like?  I mean, I ate.  I enjoyed it.  But it made me realize how different it usually is for me.  Its quite eye opening really.  I love food.  It is yummy.  Some people enjoy baseball, football, scrapbooking.  I enjoy food.  Same kinda thing.  I dont think  I have a bad relationship with food as I am not an emotional eater or anything.  I just really like food :)

Weigh day for me is Monday.  I think I forgot to mention that my last weigh in showed 189.3, a 5.3 lb loss for the week.  Still up 29 lbs from my lowest. Grr.  But it is what it is.  I have been going to the gym.  I havent gone since Wednesday and not sure when I can go again.  Going down/upstairs to do laundry or taking the dogs out is an out of breath experience with this cold.  What an awful feeling.  But on the upside it makes me realize that usually I am in so much better shape!

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*It was nothing short of utter disgust when I was trying clothes on in the dressing room while black friday shopping.  Its great to know that I am working hard to get back to the smaller me who is much happier with myself.

Today I am thankful for :
*being able to spend the holiday with my family.

Negative associations

I realized something that is kind of upsetting to me today.  While I should be so proud of myself for my half marathon accomplishment, I realize that every time I talk or think about it, I associate it in my brain with my weight gain.  I think how I trained and worked my tail off to run all those miles and gained so much weight. It was only recently that I realized WHY  I gained the weight and why I felt so out of control of my eating.  My appetite while training (doing 30+ miles a week) was big.  Huge actually. 

Appetite has always been a  problem for me.  When I am hungry the beast within comes out and eats whatever looks and tastes yummy...until I am full.  And when my appetite is not raging I find it much easier to eat healthier.  I am able to make better food choices and portion sizes when my stomach is not screaming at me eat.  So...now that I am not running much with this chilly weather, my appetite seems so much more manageable.  I am eating healthier and making better choices overall.

Is this one of the biggest keys to my success?  Could be!  And maybe that's why I feel so excited about getting back into my weight loss.  Without the insatiable appetite I feel like I can do this!! 

So, once the warmer weather comes back around (sooooooooooooo many months from now ) I need to figure out a better way to control my appetite when running.  Because I am not going to give up running.  I plan to do more half marathons actually.  But I don't want to have any negative associations when I think of the half.  It is a huge accomplishment so why cant I make myself believe that?  Any suggestions?  I want to look back at that day and be proud, without disappointment  of how much weight I had put on and how uncomfortable I felt in my own body. 

Today's reason for losing weight:
*today at the gym I was on the elliptical which is surrounded by mirrors.  I have been wearing baggy tshirts.  I am so disgusted with what I see in the mirror.  How did my body creep back into the old(ish) Jen?  I swear I woke up one day and nothing fit.  I look forward to being able to look in the mirror and see the positive changes in my body again. 

Today I am thankful for:
*my appetite was so manageable today.  I drank a lot of water and sometimes this helps and sometimes not so much.  Not once today did I want to eat naughty things.  I actually came in just under WW points today without any issue.  So maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe (this is a stretch at positivity here) the increased appetite I was having while training for the half was a learning lesson afterall...one of those "every negative thing can be turned into a positive lesson if you try hard enough" things.

You think?

Still going...

I am still going with this "I can do this" epiphany.  I am not going to try to figure out why, I am just going to ride this wave for as long as it lasts.  And once it ends and I have to really push myself to make good decisions I will look back at these posts.  For me getting starting is always the tough part.  There are few results in the beginning, a lot of challenges and so on.  So I am going to take this excitement as far as it will go.

As promised, I did a workout on the treadmill yesterday.  I walked with alternating 1 minute runs and increasing inclines.  I had it set in my head that running is the ultimate cardio but I was quickly reminded how an inclined walk can kick my tush.  And it did :)  I was huffing and puffing and I loved the challenge.  Its great to be reminded that there are so many exercise options!

Today the inlaws came.  It was a nice visit.  I ate probably more dip than I should have, and a donut too many but overall I was happy with my day.  I chose to get on the treadmill again this evening.  I decided to do one of the preset trainer workouts.  These are so nice when I want to take the brainwork out of challenging myself.  Its set and I go along with it.  Again I was reminded not to underestimate the power of walking at an incline.  I did two 30 minute sessions back to back and was sweating something fierce when I was done.  The speeds and inclines vary throughout making it impossible to get bored.  Am I possibly saying something positive about the treadmill???????????????  Hmmm...

I decided to bring the "Today's reason for losing weight" and "Today I am thankful for " back into my blog.  I was doing that for a long time and seemed to have phased it out without realizing.  So here it goes.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I was very unhappy to see the extra weight on my arms when I wore a tshirt today.  I had it gone once and I will do it again.  I have never thought of my arms as one of my problem areas but putting some of the weight back on clearly made a (nasty) difference in that area.

Today I am thankful for :
*my friends.  Many of my friends have called to check on my little girl who has been sick.  Its nice to know that people genuinely care.  Its a nice reminder that small acts of kindness really do touch people.

Priceless

My last post I talked about how something just clicked and I am feeling on track.  I am feeling good about being on track.  I had to work yesterday afternoon and had to drop the kids off at school in the late morning.  And I realized that I was actually disappointed that I wouldnt have enough time to drop them off, drive down to the gym, get a workout in and then shower and get back to get the kids and go to work.  So I made the plan instead to get on the treadmill last night or do Jillians 30 day shred.  That was the plan until our littlest one came down suddenly with shaking chills and a high fever.  I put her in my bed and didnt leave her side after that.  She has a tendency to spike 105 fevers when she gets sick, so I watch and monitor her carefully.  Plus, she was bit by a deer tick over a week ago and has been on antibiotics since.  The dr does not think this is related.  I hope she is right.  

But today the hubs is home and I am going to get some exercise in.  I like feeling good about my choices.  I have enjoyed the gym this week, watching what I am eating and then feeling good about it at the end of the day.  It gives me a sense of pride I guess.  And it must because today for the first time I put my half marathon tech shirt that I got with my name on it.

Thank you to those of you who have been following my journey, and also to those who comment.  Your support and reassurance always seems to be perfect timing.  So, thank you.  I am finally feeling like I can do this again.  And that is priceless.

Not proud to admit...

I am not proud to admit that I have been extremely off track lately.  But, I have always believed in honesty and keeping it real when writing this blog.  Yes, usually when people disappear from blogland its because they veered off track, as is the case with me.  I am not proud of it but at the same time I have learned so much in the past few weeks.

The scale is up to 194.6.  I deserve it I guess.  Thats up a a good 15 lbs from when I was training for the half and up 35 lbs from my lowest weight.  35 lbs.  I am one of those people who has to be very careful what I put in my body because my body never holds a steady weight.  My weight is a direct result of what I eat.  And while it didnt seem that bad while eating unhealthy, one day I woke up and there was all the weight. It seems to happen that way with me.  My pants dont fit.  I look in the mirror and see more rolls, dimpled skin, lack of muscle.  I am tired.  Cranky.  And disappointed in myself.  So now, I am doing my best to get back on track.  And it feels good to my surprise.  I guess I had to hit rock bottom before I could get back into it.  And I am happy that my rock bottom was not gaining all of my 70 lbs back.

I have learned to take much less from the scale than I used to.  How my body feels and how my clothes fit are so much more important to me. That is a HUGE epiphany for me.  I was so frustrated when I couldnt get below 160 at one point.  No matter how much I exercised and how well I ate my body refused. And then the epiphany...  You know what?    Who cares what the scale said?  I was wearing size 10's! Mediums!  I was fit.  My boobs were smaller (a good thing in my case).  My fupa was smaller.  I had muscles and I was toned up.  Overall I was sooo much smaller. But I didnt realize it at the time.  I only saw the flaws.  I only saw that I still had a fupa.  I still had hanging skin off my midsection.  But its gonna be.  Period.  Unless I have surgery its gonna be.

So, while I am not proud that I veered off track, I think that it actually did me some good.  Does that make sense?  My eyes are open and I am learning to understand how MY body responds.  And more importantly is that mentally something "clicked".

One thing is clear though, regardless of how off track I get.  I know that I will NEVER go back to the old me.   No matter how much I struggle there is never any doubt in my mind.  It makes me feel strong just knowing that. This disgusting feeling I have is not an option.  I am taking control.  I have been logging what I eat.  I have been going to the gym.  The feeling of  "I can do this" is here and I am so excited!  If I did it once I can do it again.  Here I come!!!

It does amaze me however, that with all that half marathon training I was doing, all those miles of running that I was gaining weight!!!!   Another lesson learned.  I definitely need to get back into the weight routine at the gym that helped me get smaller!