Thursday, November 17, 2011

Not proud to admit...

I am not proud to admit that I have been extremely off track lately.  But, I have always believed in honesty and keeping it real when writing this blog.  Yes, usually when people disappear from blogland its because they veered off track, as is the case with me.  I am not proud of it but at the same time I have learned so much in the past few weeks.

The scale is up to 194.6.  I deserve it I guess.  Thats up a a good 15 lbs from when I was training for the half and up 35 lbs from my lowest weight.  35 lbs.  I am one of those people who has to be very careful what I put in my body because my body never holds a steady weight.  My weight is a direct result of what I eat.  And while it didnt seem that bad while eating unhealthy, one day I woke up and there was all the weight. It seems to happen that way with me.  My pants dont fit.  I look in the mirror and see more rolls, dimpled skin, lack of muscle.  I am tired.  Cranky.  And disappointed in myself.  So now, I am doing my best to get back on track.  And it feels good to my surprise.  I guess I had to hit rock bottom before I could get back into it.  And I am happy that my rock bottom was not gaining all of my 70 lbs back.

I have learned to take much less from the scale than I used to.  How my body feels and how my clothes fit are so much more important to me. That is a HUGE epiphany for me.  I was so frustrated when I couldnt get below 160 at one point.  No matter how much I exercised and how well I ate my body refused. And then the epiphany...  You know what?    Who cares what the scale said?  I was wearing size 10's! Mediums!  I was fit.  My boobs were smaller (a good thing in my case).  My fupa was smaller.  I had muscles and I was toned up.  Overall I was sooo much smaller. But I didnt realize it at the time.  I only saw the flaws.  I only saw that I still had a fupa.  I still had hanging skin off my midsection.  But its gonna be.  Period.  Unless I have surgery its gonna be.

So, while I am not proud that I veered off track, I think that it actually did me some good.  Does that make sense?  My eyes are open and I am learning to understand how MY body responds.  And more importantly is that mentally something "clicked".

One thing is clear though, regardless of how off track I get.  I know that I will NEVER go back to the old me.   No matter how much I struggle there is never any doubt in my mind.  It makes me feel strong just knowing that. This disgusting feeling I have is not an option.  I am taking control.  I have been logging what I eat.  I have been going to the gym.  The feeling of  "I can do this" is here and I am so excited!  If I did it once I can do it again.  Here I come!!!

It does amaze me however, that with all that half marathon training I was doing, all those miles of running that I was gaining weight!!!!   Another lesson learned.  I definitely need to get back into the weight routine at the gym that helped me get smaller!

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

My goodness, its good to see you are back blogging- and back on track! (Seriously, Ive been watching for this post DAILY! As I TEXTED it is so good to see you positive and determined again! Just sayin'

jamie@sweatyhugs said...

Ahhh, I so understand where you are coming from and yes, it makes sense! You've recognized what you need to do and you are getting yourself back in control, which is what matters most right now.

I too am like you. Whatever I eat, sticks right to me. It's the way it is. Also with all the cardio I was doing, I was burning away so much precious muscle. Sure, my endurance was incredible, but I wasn't losing weight or leaning out.

If you ever want to chat, send me an email. I'd be happy to share my weight training plan with you. :)

xo

Princess Dieter said...

Good for you for stopping this before all the weight (and some extra) came to visit!

You'll do fine. Do it with sound nutrition and build up muscle.

A lot of running can really stress the body and the adrenals. Heavy training and trying to force a lower weight than the body wants to (your 160 line in the sand, I'm guessing), can really be a bad thing. Maybe aim for 160-170 and see how it feels and don't force a weight that means exercising TOO much and eating TOO little. Let the body adjust. I bet you looked just fine and felt great at 160, too, right? It was just this thing we get into when we have an ideal number in our heads. It can backfire.

I'm cheering you on on your turnaround. :D be well...

The Swan in.me said...

Yeah! I am super duper proud of you for realizing that the weight was creeping back on and slamming on the brakes. :)

Sarah from Onmyweightohappiness said...

You realized you were screwing up and admitted to it, thats amazing right there, be proud of that. Now do what you gotta do to get back on track ;)

♫ Drazil ♪ said...

I could have written a lot of this. Ugh. Hang in there.

Shelley said...

I completely understand what you wrote...looking back at myself when I was at my thinnest, I was so hyper-focused on my (still) fat stomach that I didn't enjoy the smaller person that I was. Now that I've gained a bit back, I wanna slap myself for not appreciating what I had. Ah well. We learn. You'll get back there, as will I. Are you going to run any more big races?

Polar's Mom said...

Weird how we are both back, at about the same time. Yes, I am up, too, and pretty pissed at my skinny jeans-some of whom still fit and led me to believe that I was FINE. Yeah fine alright! I'm with ya, let's get back where we were!!!