Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I am back (Jennifer)

I cannot even tell you how awful it felt eating like crap.  I mean, the food that I ate was yummy but most of the time my stomach was uncomfortably stuffed to the gill yet I was hungry(thanks to the steroids) and I was feeling guilty.  And to be honest I kind of treated it  like it was a *break* from my healthy lifestyle and almost like the steroids were the excuse.   

Looking back I learned some huge lessons.  First, once my appetite increased and my stomach expanded it was very hard to go back to eating smaller portions.  I would start the day off with the best of intentions and end up caving for one thing or another swearing tomorrow would be a better day....the day to start.  I caught myself in the act though, and recognized this vicious cycle.  Start what?  This is my life, not some game.  I am glad I had the willpower to get back in control and out of the cycle before too much damage.  And I am happy that although I did gain some weight, that a few pounds was enough to make me feel gross and *want* to get back to my healthy ways.  I am avoiding the scale for a bit to focus on my my healthy behaviors.

Second, although I have been stressed about not feeling well lately, knowing that I was not eating well and not exercising much made my mood even worse.  I felt bad about myself.  I was failing myself and I knew it.  I caught myself with a damaged self esteem and outlook again.  I talked with my husband about it and he agreed that I was pretty cranky and feeling not so great about myself.  He must have told me 5 times over the past week to go for a run.  Does it really make that much aof a difference?  Apparently so :)

I went for a run today.  I started with two miles since its been a while.  It was nice.  I wish I could say that I am feeling better physically but I am still not.  My glands are still all swollen and my ear, neck and chest all hurt...mostly on the left side  :(   Nothing back on the blood work yet.  I think I will call tomorrow and maybe even make another appt.  I am hoping no news is good news .  My allergy testing with the ENT is Monday but I am doubting that is what is causing all this. 

Thanks to you all for your continued support and kind words.  Its amazing how words from someone you never even met can make your day, right?

Jess-think I can do the 26.1 miles by the end of the year?????? Today was the first I ran this month I think  :(

Jennifer

5 comments:

Mom to the Fourth Power said...

Good on you for going for a run. And two miles after not running for a while is great. I like how you thought to yourself "start what" that this is your life now. Mind games... I play those too. Getting back to smaller portions... great idea. I am worried that if I ever delve into bigger portions and high carb foods that I would have a hard ever getting back into a healthy lifestyle. But I guess we live and learn and take one day at a time. Come on back to the light side of the force, Jenn... the dark side is just not all it's cracked up to be!! :) Hope you get back to 100% soon, girl. :)

Take Care,
~Margene

Bringing Pretty Back said...

Jennifer, I think running two miles ANYTIME is like a marathon! GOOD FOR YOU! I related with every word you wrote about eating bad and feeling bad!SAME HERE! I also feel better when I eat better, although I do love the food I stuff myself to the gills with. It makes me feel bad and look bad and I love to eat it. It is ridiculous.
Proud of you for getting back at it.
Have a pretty day!
Kristin

Kelly said...

You did what you did, and now it's over. Time to face the consequences, and move on. I hop you feel better soon, girl!

Bethanny said...

I hope you feel better! All I can add is that when I was a kid, if I got sick, I got to have whatever dinner I wanted. Fast food, anything nothing was given a no. I still have that mentality now. If I get sick, then I want "restaurant" food. I never eat well when i am sick!

Barbara said...

Great job running! It is always hard to start back up after stopping for awhile. I have been kind of MIA so I don't know a lot about what is going on with you, but I sure hope you get all the results soon and can get back to normal.