Monday, December 20, 2010

Stressed (Jennifer)

Most people claim to be stressed around the holidays.  Maybe its the shopping, or spending lots of money, lots of things to get done and much busier schedules than usual.  Me...I have always loved Christmas time.  I love the music, I love the shopping, wrapping, spending time with family, and this year decorating the tree with my girls was the best time I have had in ages.

But I am stressed for a different reason.  Most of you know I havent been feeling very well lately.  I have had swollen glands, been to several dr visits, three rounds of anitbiotics, steroids, antihistimines, mucinex, allergy testing, x-ray...etc.  They have said its pneumonia, then the chest xray was clear, maybe its allergies, or TMJ.  Lots of maybes but no feeling better.  Today was my follow up visit with my ENT.  I told her how my left side of my neck is still feeling swollen and uncomfortable and my ear still hurts.  It feels like it goes right down into my chest and I dont really know how else to explain it other than my left side of my face, neck, ear, throat, and  part of my chest dont feel right.  They decided its time to do a CT scan.  They scheduled it for tomorrow.  While logically I know it is the next step in figuring this whole thing out (its been going on for months now), I am very stressed over it.  I have mentioned before that becoming terminally ill is one of my biggest fears in life.  Now...I know this is jumping the gun but for some reason its always in the back of my mind.   In my mind, I fear that they will find something, call me a few days before Christmas with bad news, I would be upset for the holiday, and it just goes on from there.  I honestly dont know where this fear comes from.   I cant figure that out no matter how hard I try.  But, it definately plays a big part in my fear of going to the dr. 

That was a big deal for me to share *outloud*.  Call it, (and me) what you will but that is just how I feel.  I wish I didnt have this fear, believe me.   It definately isnt pleasant.  So now I know that I will have this test tomorrow afternoon and then spend the rest of the day(s) petrified that they will call and tell me something is wrong.  Part of me (the fear in me) wants to call and reschedule the test for right after Christmas so that in the event that something is wrong so it wont ruin my Christmas.  The logical part of me wants to just get the test done.

So thats it.  Pretty deep right?


Mom to the Fourth Power said...

It's perfectly understandable that you would feel some fear and anxiety over this. And if you're like me, your thoughts get carried away into the worse case scenarios which brings on more fear. I am reminded of this scripture in 2nd Timothy 1:7
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

It makes me realize that when I am feeling fear, it's not coming from God, but He blesses me with power, love and a sound mind. I feel like the "power" mentioned is power to overcome fear by trusting Him. Because really, we can get through anything with God's help, right? So I basically have to trust that He WILL help.

So much in my life is troubling and I struggle a ton with fear, heartache, and worry... yet I know those feelings and emotions don't come from God... even in critical situations where there is possible danger, the promptings I've felt are always calm and peaceful. I don't believe that the Spirit prompts us (or warns us) in a way that ensues panic or fear... but it is always calming and even subtle. It's after the fact when I look back and think "Wow, I can't believe I didn't panic"

Stress is so hard to deal with, especially this time of year when you want to just relax and be stress fee. I think it's good that you are seeking to find out what it wrong and how you can help yourself get to full health. I hope you can find some relief from your stress and fear and feel peace, especially this time of year. I will keep you in my prayers, Jennifer!! Think positive!

God Bless..

Ann-Marie said...

Well of course your stressed, who wouldn't be. Think positive and try your best to enjoy the holidays. Best wishes

The Fat Mom said...

I have the same fear! My family is known for breast cancer and my fear is that I will also have it. Not to mention the doctor says I have "lumpy boobs" to begin with.

So, I'm praying for you that you will not receive any bad news. That the news you will receive will finally determine what's going on and why you aren't getting better.

Please keep us updated (good or bad news).

Jess said...

Oh Jennifer! I am so sorry you are going through this at this time of year! Its hard enough the rest of the year, but when the holidays are around its much more difficult!!! I'll keep you in my thoughts tomorrow!

jennifer said...

Jennifer. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am keeping you in my prayers. I know how scary things like this can be (believe me, I know) but PLEASE try not to let this overtake you. There is a HUGE chance that this is nothing bad at all!! You are young and healthy and full of vitality and I personally just know that you're going to be fine!! Major hugs I am sending you!!

Kelly said...

Jennifer, first I'm so sorry that you're going thru this. But secondly, I think it's better to know what's going on as soon as possible in order to strategize a form of attack, if need be. It might not even be anything serious (fingers crossed). As for me, I hate Christmas for all the reasons u love it! hehe. Hate shopping, hate wrapping gifts, really can't stand the Christmas music. But I will be keeping you in my thoughts.

dawne said...

Keeping you in my prayers Jennifer. Praying that the professionals will figure this out and praying for peace as you celebrate Him.

M said...

It's better to know sooner rather than later. If there's something wrong, it's better to catch it sooner, right? I hope everything goes well. Let us know.

Shelley said...

Keeping you in my thoughts, Jennifer.

Bethanny said...

I know it sounds simple, but could it be a sinus infection? Maybe you had one for a long time and it progressed into something worse?