Saturday, April 2, 2011

A very honest and deep post (Jennifer)

I feel like things have been a little turned upside down for me lately.  I dont feel like I am depressed.  Just frustrated and anxious.  I havent been feeling well physically and have been to several dr appts over the last few months.  They all have different thoughts and opinions and its been scary.  Some have talked of biopsies, some say I am fine, and one even told me I had cancer while others have assured that was not the case, but no one seems to be on the same page as to whats going on.  The bottom line is that I still dont feel good so something is going on!  

Not having answers as to what is going on with me gives me a few different emotions.  Part of me is glad because I would like to think if something serious was going on it would have been found by now.  But part of me cant ignore how I feel and therefore I am frustrated by not feeling well.  I have tried so many different medications of which none have helped, had so many scans(and probably more radiation than is healthy), and I am now in TMJ therapy as well.  So far it hasnt helped but I am trying so hard to be hopeful that it will work soon!  I dont feel confident that anyone has really pinpointed what is going on, and therefore I dont feel assured that I am okay. That lack of confidence is where my frustration and stress comes from I think.

I think about how just a few months ago exercising and losing weight to become a healthier me was a huge committment for me.  My life had changed and I loved the "new me".  I gave it all I had and was so dedicated.  And now there is a shift.  I am so frustrated by not feeling well and being so very scared(more so as the time goes on and my symptoms intensify) and I just want to put it behind me. I want to move past this.  Part of me is so worried that there is possibly something serious going on that they just havent found yet.  I have been so scared and have come up with some worse case scenarios which have only intensified my fears.  My children are little.  I want to be here for them for a long time and the thought of not being here petrifies me.  And I want to grow old with my husband.  These are things I hadnt really considered before.  I just assumed I would.  I have gone from a confident person to someone who now feels so scared.   

I thank those of you who have been able to bear with me through this.  I know it hasnt been my normal style of blogging.  I want more than anything to get back to my weight and health committment!  As of today, my weight is 171.  Not too bad but not my lowest.  I did manage a run in this beautiful sunshine today, and I got to use my Garmin running watch for the first time.  My friend is training for her first 5k and we ran together.  I ran at her capability.  We did about two miles, mostly jogging and walking just a few times for a minute or two.  It felt good to get out there and run.  And even better, it felt awesome to bring the kids outside and play with them today.  The love to play outside and it was a great time!

This was a deep and heartfelt post for me and I was hesitant about posting it.  But I thought it might help to get it out.  In the meanwhile I am going to schedule a massage for myself and try to think positive.  I thank God everyday for my children, and my family.  They are my sunshine and bring me such joy!  Thank you to those of you who have been asking about me.  It is greatly appreciated.


Kimberlynn said...

I'm so glad you've been so open and honest. This is what blogging is all about...sharing our journey with others...good or bad. I can only imagine how scary this must be for you. I will be praying that you will find the answers you need, and that you will begin to feel better very soon!

Be blessed!!!

Mom to the Fourth Power said...

I'm so sorry for all this anxiety, fear, and worry you've had on your back. I can hardly imagine. Your struggles must seem so on going. I am keeping you in my prayers. I KNOW you are cared over. He who marks the sparrow's fall surely watches tenderly over you, His daughter! This seems to be a trial of your faith and endurance.

I hope and pray for you to find some relief and peace. You are so strong and courageous and such a great example to me. :)

Much Love,

Kelly said...

Jennifer, I truly hope that your doctors can come to a clear diagnosis and resolution to your problems. It sucks that nothing definitive has been found. I'm thinking of you.

Jessica said...

You have been on my mind so much...I so wish you could get some answers. I know it is frustrating! Hang in there!

Juliana said...


Pixie said...

Keeping you in my prayers *hugs*

Really great job on the run :D

Jen said...

I hope someone gets to the bottom of what is going on soon. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. *Hugs*


Bringing Pretty Back said...

Jennifer, THAT IS WHY WE ARE HERE! To support and help each other. I am so proud of you to keep moving and working on yourself. Please keep sharing . We are here for you.