Remember me?

Where to begin.  Its was June that I last posted.  At that point I had managed to get myself back up to 200 lbs.  I am so embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I have put even more weight on.  Actually, I do believe I am at an all time high weight for myself.  I have a ton of excuses but really when it all comes down to it, they are just excuses.  I weighed 240 lbs this morning on the scale.  I remember being so upset when I was training for my half marathon and  my weight jumped to 180 lbs.  What I would do to get back down to that weight!  I guess its all relative.

My body is angry.  My joints ache to the point where its painful to walk.  I have knots in my neck and shoulders again.  My back hurts. I have headaches again, and my heartburn is awful.  But worse than all of this is the disgust I have with myself.  The embarrassment I feel and the fear or who I will run into when I go out is a feeling I hadnt missed.  It is back.  I am ashamed.  What will people think, or say, when they see all this weight I have put on?  I have lost my confidence.  I definitely had some setbacks that made it difficult to exercise for a while.  I had two foot/toe injuries back to back.  But that set me back a month total probably.  And we bought a new house and moved over the summer.  I started my new job.  Yada Yada....these are all excuses I have made for myself.  So what...things got busy. Everyone gets busy.  Really what happened is that I lost control of me.  I stopped taking care of me. 

Its time to get it back. I deserve it.  My family and friends deserve a better me too.  When I am happier with me, I am a better wife and mother.  I am a better daughter and friend. 

And I think there is no better place to start than here.  I am going to head back to the start of my blog and begin reading.  I want to remember the good things, and the bad.  I want to remember what works for me, and what doesnt.  I want to remember the feelings I was having and how I stayed motivated all that time.  I want the happy me back again.  I have become miserable. Cranky. Its such a cycle. I gained weight. I got cranky. I made the cranky go away by eating. And as I was making the cranky go away for a few minutes as I ate, it only made for more cranky as the numbers crept up and up on the scale.  Its such a cycle.  And I am mad that I thought I had beat it.  It just goes to show this is a battle I will have to fight every day of my life.

Tomorrow I have a hair appointment.  I am getting it chopped.  I am going to have the brows done and hopefully at the end of the day, I will feel like a new me on a new road to my success.  I definitely took some wrong turns in this journey but hey, as mad as it makes me, I am accepting it and moving on from this point.  Otherwise, I continue to spiral downward.  I have done this before, and I will do it again.  I have the benefit of knowing how it felt to cross the finish line at the half marathon.  I know how it felt when I wore a size 10.  I know how it felt when I was not embarrassed to meet new people, or bump into old friends.  I know how it felt to be confident and content and how it spilled into all the other parts of my life.  Some people never get that chance.  I have been there.  And I want to be back there. 

 I have been there.  I want to be back there.  Here I come.

Jennifer