WI in results and no gym :(

While I was really hoping to feel betterenough to make it to the gym yesterday, it didnt happen.  Instead, my mom, husband, Laura and my boss GANGED up on me and demanded I go to the dr.  I almost fell over when I realized my hubs did this!  He is not really the type, so he must have been worried.  So, instead of the gym I ended up at the dr's office.  I am not a fan of dr's or how most of the healthcare system is run.  At least not the ones I have been to.  I have had some super sour experiences and now find that I will do most anything to avoid a trip to the dr.  Its mainly become a fear I have developed (says me with my handy dandy psych degree :)   So after waiting an hour in the waiting room and another 20 minutes in the actual room, the dr came in like a whirlwind and was out in less than 3 minutes I think.  The verdict?  Bronchitis (although she never told me this...I learned from the paper I left with) Apparently, its bad enough that I need an inhaler and steroids to accompany my antibiotics.  She said she should xray me but since she is treating me anyway theres no point.  Fine with me.  I had already spend enough time in that place.  I havent been able to talk in three days because of all the coughing I have done. Apparently my vocal cords and lungs and such are quite inflamed.  I prefer to say they are angry in there...    I have been sooooooooo tired.  Not like, oh I could use a nap, but more like if i dont lay down my body is going to stop working...dog tired.  Who made that phrase up anyway?  My dogs arent tired... Anyway...  I was disappointed when she said I needed prednisone (steroid) because I know it makes me hungry.  And it makes me unable to sleep.  Oh, and sweaty apparently(the hubs and kids were less than thrilled with the open windows and fans on today).  And I realized at the pharmacy that it is a higher dosage than I took back when I had some sort of reactive arthritis.  So, I was less than thrilled to say the least.   But at this point I am REALLY accepting that I do need medicine.  I started the antibiotics last night and the prednisone this morning.  Any doubt I had about starting it was erased when I got up this morning and could barely breathe while coughing :(   I was actually crying as I called my mom( because my mom can fix everything in my eyes).

So, today I am feeling a little better.  I think its going to be a longer road to recovery than I planned.  But I am realizing that getting better is what is important.  And I will do my best to eat well while STARVING on this medicine.    And I should be happy this is happening now and not last month before my half marathon.  See?  Isnt that me being a glass is half full kinda gal?

And the good news is........

Today I am thankful for:
*I lost 4.7 lbs last week!!!!!   184.6  I hope my scale was telling the truth.  The one at the drs was much meaner.  But arent they always?  Plus I had my shoes and coat on.  Lets call it the truth for now.  10 lbs in two weeks! 

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I went with the hubs to grab something he needed at his work.  I waited in the car with the kids.  As his coworkers were coming in and out I was hoping they didnt see me.  Then I realized that I am back to being ashamed of my weight.  Not a good feeling and I cant wait to lose it again!!

Indulge vs Overindulge????

I am unsure what tomorrow's weigh in will bring after being sick this week (I still am) and throwing Thanksgiving into the mix.  I have not stepped on the scale since last Monday.  But it is what it is and whatever number it shows I accept it.  I dont feel like I overindulged at all. I indulged as most people do on Thanksgiving, but I dont think I overindulged.  Does that make sense to anyone out there??  This was again, one of those eye opening, clicking, light bulb thoughts I had.  I had some pie and cheesecake, but small slices.  I tried to be careful of my portion sizes.  But come Wednesday I came down with a relentless chest cold and I havent exercised since. Unless you count constant coughing as exercise...because I will have lost significantly this week if I can count that!  hehe.

I am hoping to feel better in the morning.  At least well enough to make it to the gym.  I am going to try some new training techniques this week.  I feel good about having a structured routine instead of just feeling disorganized or unsure when it comes to weight training.  Thanks to Jamie for the info she sent me!! A personal trainer isnt an option for me right now so this really feels like a Godsend.   I really cant wait to get started.  I am going to add that onto my cardio and see where it takes me.  My measurement are already on file on the gym (an included service :) so I will check them again in a month or so.  I am so excited. 

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I noticed that since I have put some of the weight back on that my self confidence has slipped away.  I am finding that just the effort I am making is helping but I look forward to feeling more confident with time.

Today I am thankful for:
*sugar free jello.  Need I say more?

No hungries

Thanksgiving is over and now the tree is up.  I did some black Friday shopping which really was on Thanksgiving.  But my little girls benefited by me waiting in line.  They will have two brand new bikes with training wheels under the tree Christmas morning.  Well, maybe next to the tree.  I am not really sure how I feel about the new "let shop on thanksgiving night" thing.  Thanksgiving should be about giving thanks.  I think I sound more like my mother every day.

My family came into town on Wednesday and left this morning.  It was such a nice time like usual.  Although they are only two hours away I miss them a lot, as do my hubs and kids.  My mom cooked most of Thanksgiving dinner by herself, I am sorry to say :(  For those of you who have asked how my daughter is feeling...she is much better.  But now mommy has one heck of a chest cold.  I went to lay down for "a few minutes" on Thanksgiving and when I woke up it was over 2 hours later.   I am not a daytime napper.  My body doesnt really allow it.  So I must have been sick in order for me to actually fall asleep!  I can feel things loosening up in there today so I am hoping I am on the mend.

I am not sure if its the sickness or what but I havent had much of an appetite.  I mean, I have been eating my points, and did enjoy some dessert but the hungry thoughts are not there.  No hungries?  It was so odd and I cant help but wonder is this what people who do not have an intense love for food are like?  I mean, I ate.  I enjoyed it.  But it made me realize how different it usually is for me.  Its quite eye opening really.  I love food.  It is yummy.  Some people enjoy baseball, football, scrapbooking.  I enjoy food.  Same kinda thing.  I dont think  I have a bad relationship with food as I am not an emotional eater or anything.  I just really like food :)

Weigh day for me is Monday.  I think I forgot to mention that my last weigh in showed 189.3, a 5.3 lb loss for the week.  Still up 29 lbs from my lowest. Grr.  But it is what it is.  I have been going to the gym.  I havent gone since Wednesday and not sure when I can go again.  Going down/upstairs to do laundry or taking the dogs out is an out of breath experience with this cold.  What an awful feeling.  But on the upside it makes me realize that usually I am in so much better shape!

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*It was nothing short of utter disgust when I was trying clothes on in the dressing room while black friday shopping.  Its great to know that I am working hard to get back to the smaller me who is much happier with myself.

Today I am thankful for :
*being able to spend the holiday with my family.

Negative associations

I realized something that is kind of upsetting to me today.  While I should be so proud of myself for my half marathon accomplishment, I realize that every time I talk or think about it, I associate it in my brain with my weight gain.  I think how I trained and worked my tail off to run all those miles and gained so much weight. It was only recently that I realized WHY  I gained the weight and why I felt so out of control of my eating.  My appetite while training (doing 30+ miles a week) was big.  Huge actually. 

Appetite has always been a  problem for me.  When I am hungry the beast within comes out and eats whatever looks and tastes yummy...until I am full.  And when my appetite is not raging I find it much easier to eat healthier.  I am able to make better food choices and portion sizes when my stomach is not screaming at me eat.  So...now that I am not running much with this chilly weather, my appetite seems so much more manageable.  I am eating healthier and making better choices overall.

Is this one of the biggest keys to my success?  Could be!  And maybe that's why I feel so excited about getting back into my weight loss.  Without the insatiable appetite I feel like I can do this!! 

So, once the warmer weather comes back around (sooooooooooooo many months from now ) I need to figure out a better way to control my appetite when running.  Because I am not going to give up running.  I plan to do more half marathons actually.  But I don't want to have any negative associations when I think of the half.  It is a huge accomplishment so why cant I make myself believe that?  Any suggestions?  I want to look back at that day and be proud, without disappointment  of how much weight I had put on and how uncomfortable I felt in my own body. 

Today's reason for losing weight:
*today at the gym I was on the elliptical which is surrounded by mirrors.  I have been wearing baggy tshirts.  I am so disgusted with what I see in the mirror.  How did my body creep back into the old(ish) Jen?  I swear I woke up one day and nothing fit.  I look forward to being able to look in the mirror and see the positive changes in my body again. 

Today I am thankful for:
*my appetite was so manageable today.  I drank a lot of water and sometimes this helps and sometimes not so much.  Not once today did I want to eat naughty things.  I actually came in just under WW points today without any issue.  So maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe (this is a stretch at positivity here) the increased appetite I was having while training for the half was a learning lesson afterall...one of those "every negative thing can be turned into a positive lesson if you try hard enough" things.

You think?

Still going...

I am still going with this "I can do this" epiphany.  I am not going to try to figure out why, I am just going to ride this wave for as long as it lasts.  And once it ends and I have to really push myself to make good decisions I will look back at these posts.  For me getting starting is always the tough part.  There are few results in the beginning, a lot of challenges and so on.  So I am going to take this excitement as far as it will go.

As promised, I did a workout on the treadmill yesterday.  I walked with alternating 1 minute runs and increasing inclines.  I had it set in my head that running is the ultimate cardio but I was quickly reminded how an inclined walk can kick my tush.  And it did :)  I was huffing and puffing and I loved the challenge.  Its great to be reminded that there are so many exercise options!

Today the inlaws came.  It was a nice visit.  I ate probably more dip than I should have, and a donut too many but overall I was happy with my day.  I chose to get on the treadmill again this evening.  I decided to do one of the preset trainer workouts.  These are so nice when I want to take the brainwork out of challenging myself.  Its set and I go along with it.  Again I was reminded not to underestimate the power of walking at an incline.  I did two 30 minute sessions back to back and was sweating something fierce when I was done.  The speeds and inclines vary throughout making it impossible to get bored.  Am I possibly saying something positive about the treadmill???????????????  Hmmm...

I decided to bring the "Today's reason for losing weight" and "Today I am thankful for " back into my blog.  I was doing that for a long time and seemed to have phased it out without realizing.  So here it goes.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I was very unhappy to see the extra weight on my arms when I wore a tshirt today.  I had it gone once and I will do it again.  I have never thought of my arms as one of my problem areas but putting some of the weight back on clearly made a (nasty) difference in that area.

Today I am thankful for :
*my friends.  Many of my friends have called to check on my little girl who has been sick.  Its nice to know that people genuinely care.  Its a nice reminder that small acts of kindness really do touch people.

Priceless

My last post I talked about how something just clicked and I am feeling on track.  I am feeling good about being on track.  I had to work yesterday afternoon and had to drop the kids off at school in the late morning.  And I realized that I was actually disappointed that I wouldnt have enough time to drop them off, drive down to the gym, get a workout in and then shower and get back to get the kids and go to work.  So I made the plan instead to get on the treadmill last night or do Jillians 30 day shred.  That was the plan until our littlest one came down suddenly with shaking chills and a high fever.  I put her in my bed and didnt leave her side after that.  She has a tendency to spike 105 fevers when she gets sick, so I watch and monitor her carefully.  Plus, she was bit by a deer tick over a week ago and has been on antibiotics since.  The dr does not think this is related.  I hope she is right.  

But today the hubs is home and I am going to get some exercise in.  I like feeling good about my choices.  I have enjoyed the gym this week, watching what I am eating and then feeling good about it at the end of the day.  It gives me a sense of pride I guess.  And it must because today for the first time I put my half marathon tech shirt that I got with my name on it.

Thank you to those of you who have been following my journey, and also to those who comment.  Your support and reassurance always seems to be perfect timing.  So, thank you.  I am finally feeling like I can do this again.  And that is priceless.

Not proud to admit...

I am not proud to admit that I have been extremely off track lately.  But, I have always believed in honesty and keeping it real when writing this blog.  Yes, usually when people disappear from blogland its because they veered off track, as is the case with me.  I am not proud of it but at the same time I have learned so much in the past few weeks.

The scale is up to 194.6.  I deserve it I guess.  Thats up a a good 15 lbs from when I was training for the half and up 35 lbs from my lowest weight.  35 lbs.  I am one of those people who has to be very careful what I put in my body because my body never holds a steady weight.  My weight is a direct result of what I eat.  And while it didnt seem that bad while eating unhealthy, one day I woke up and there was all the weight. It seems to happen that way with me.  My pants dont fit.  I look in the mirror and see more rolls, dimpled skin, lack of muscle.  I am tired.  Cranky.  And disappointed in myself.  So now, I am doing my best to get back on track.  And it feels good to my surprise.  I guess I had to hit rock bottom before I could get back into it.  And I am happy that my rock bottom was not gaining all of my 70 lbs back.

I have learned to take much less from the scale than I used to.  How my body feels and how my clothes fit are so much more important to me. That is a HUGE epiphany for me.  I was so frustrated when I couldnt get below 160 at one point.  No matter how much I exercised and how well I ate my body refused. And then the epiphany...  You know what?    Who cares what the scale said?  I was wearing size 10's! Mediums!  I was fit.  My boobs were smaller (a good thing in my case).  My fupa was smaller.  I had muscles and I was toned up.  Overall I was sooo much smaller. But I didnt realize it at the time.  I only saw the flaws.  I only saw that I still had a fupa.  I still had hanging skin off my midsection.  But its gonna be.  Period.  Unless I have surgery its gonna be.

So, while I am not proud that I veered off track, I think that it actually did me some good.  Does that make sense?  My eyes are open and I am learning to understand how MY body responds.  And more importantly is that mentally something "clicked".

One thing is clear though, regardless of how off track I get.  I know that I will NEVER go back to the old me.   No matter how much I struggle there is never any doubt in my mind.  It makes me feel strong just knowing that. This disgusting feeling I have is not an option.  I am taking control.  I have been logging what I eat.  I have been going to the gym.  The feeling of  "I can do this" is here and I am so excited!  If I did it once I can do it again.  Here I come!!!

It does amaze me however, that with all that half marathon training I was doing, all those miles of running that I was gaining weight!!!!   Another lesson learned.  I definitely need to get back into the weight routine at the gym that helped me get smaller!

Another 5k under my belt

I decided last minute that I would run the Carol Baldwin breast cancer run with my friend Laura this morning.  Carol Baldwin is the mother of Alec and Stephen Baldwin.  It is a local inaugural race that benefits the our university hospital and cancer research.  Great cause in my opinion.  I really like to do races that I know the fee to run is a donation for something I support.  Medical research is always a great donation.

I figured that because my muscles arent sore anymore after my half marathon last weekend that I would be fine.  And maybe I would have been...if there hadnt been tons of long and very tough hills.  I started out strong hoping that maybe I could get a decent time.  Three miles should feel like cake after running 13 last week, right?  WRONG.  My legs and ankles were tired after the second hill.  The hills were long and steep and just kept coming one after another.  And even though we got to go back down every hill we did, I couldnt even enjoy it because I was so tuckered out.  And, for the first time in any of my "races" I had to walk...twice.  Did I mention the hills were killer?

But, I am so glad I did it.  It was a great cause and it was fun.  I love being in that environment where so many people get together for an awesome cause.  There were so many people in so many shades of pink.  There were girls with hot pink bras on the outside of their clothes.  There were young people and old people, and people of all shapes and sizes.  There were men wearing shirts of all sorts talking about "boobies".  There were tents for all sorts of things (even exotic pets) and tons of free goodies.  I love free stuff :)  There was music and coffee, muffins, bagels, fruit...compliments of Freihoffers, Wegmans and Tim Hortons.  It was one of the better race environments I have been at.  And one of the best things was that Carol Baldwin was there herself.  She was walking around with her walker(with pink bows on it) and assistants at her sides.  She was introducing herself to everyone and shaking their hands.  She was so happy to see such a great turnout.  There were over 2000 people signed up she said.  Pretty good for an inaugural race, and even better to see her so touched!

Here are some pics.

Me and the hubs.  He didnt run but wore my shirt :)

Laura, Carol Baldwin, and me before the race.

Me and Laura

Not loving my midsection in this pic.  But...it is what it is.  Reality.

The hubs in my pink shirt.  He wears pink well, right?

A guy walked in front of the camera...

A random tooth walking around handing out free (pink) toothbrushes.

This lady was loving up on this lizard.   Giving it kisses and hugs like it was a dog. It had a long snake like tongue.  See our faces?  Scared.  Take one....

Take two.... a little calmer.

Pretty turtle

Ewwwww...I left at this point!

Laura:  "cookie anyone?"

Okay...am I the only one that thinks this is inappropriate at a cancer run???

And here is the newest addition to my car after the half last week.  I drive around with pride and get excited every time I see it!



I pulled a muscle in my back at some point today and my legs are tired.  A few days off and a more serious effort on my eating plan are in store for this week!  Hope you all had a great weekend!

Addicted?

Thank you to those of you who said such nice things about my first half marathon!  I hope you all enjoyed the pictures.  If it werent for other people blogging and pictures of their half marathons I am not sure I would have even gotten up the guts to try one for myself.  So thank you to those of you who have inspired me and made me feel like I could do this!!!!  This blog has been an amazing support system for me.

And now that I have, I think I am addicted!  I cant wait to do another one.  In fact, I just looked at some races coming up next month in my running magazine.  Its getting a bit too cold here in NY for marathons around here, but I did find one in VA which is probably an 8 hour drive.  Crazy?  Perhaps.  But I am totally looking into it!  And, I called my friend Laura and asked if she wanted to come with me because she is totally capable of doing a half.  And I want her to have that surreal feeling that I still have!!!  Plus, a girls weekend sounds awesome doesnt it???  We have 6 kids between the two of us so I am thinking we are deserving, right?

My soreness and stomach issues have subsided.  So now I am left with some pictures, memories and a medal.  It was such an amazing experience and I cant wait to do it again.  If you had told me two years ago that I would have run a half marathon in my lifetime, I would have laughed (as I  took another bite of my donut...hehe).  This has made me feel like I am capable of whatever I put my mind to.

BEFORE:

NOW

I DID IT!!!!! My first half marathon...



Me at the expo!

 I did it!!!!!  What an amazing feeling it is!  My family came into town to support me and I also had some amazing friends come to the run to support me.  It was an amazing experience mainly because of my people who were there supporting me! 

Saturday afternoon my family started arriving.  My cousin Mike(he ran the race with me), my cousin Trish and my parents came into town.  We hung out for a bit, made some signs with the kids, had a pasta dinner and just relaxed.  I got my stuff all ready and headed to bed.  I was nervous, but not nearly as nervous as I was for my first 5k.  Odd right???   The morning came early at 5:00.  It was race day!!!  Finally the day to put all my hard months of training to work and prove to myself that I can do this.

For breakfast, some coffee and a bagel.  Here we are before leaving for the race.

The weather had called for clouds, showers and wind.  We were thrilled to get there and see...sun? And it was about 50 degrees.  Perfect!  We found the porta potties and then it was time for the full marathon to start.  We watched them take off then got in position for the half marathoners to start.  The gun sounded and off we went.  Mike wished me luck and we parted ways.  His pace is much faster than mine.  The first three miles was pretty unevenful once we left the start.  The course brought us on the closed highway and onto a parkway along the lake which was also closed.  So there were no spectators along this part of the course.  My pace was steady around 11:15 min/mile.  Thats comfy for me.  At three miles they brought us off the parkway and into the park to run along the lake where I saw the first spectators.  Yaay!  Then I realized it was my friend Karen and her family.  Here's the sign she was holding.  It made me chuckle.

After I passed her there were more spectators.  Not much further along I could hear my family and friends in the distance screaming for me!  They looked like they were having a tailgate party!  They were clapping and cheering as I came around the bend.  I could hear whistling and noisemakers.  My reaction totally took me off guard.  As soon as I saw them all I got all choked up!  Literally.  I was in tears.!  Not the best for my breathing!  I tried to hold them back but that was worse and made me choke.  But I was so touched that I couldnt help but cry.  I am in tears right now just thinking about it.  Here are some pics from around mile 3 ish.



I had the best support there!!!!




Tailgate party with coffee and donuts I heard!



homemade signs...love my girls!



homemade shirts too!



You can barely see me in the back behind the girls with the white shirt.

behind the girl with the green.  My sneaks are orange :)

Okay...clearly not the best picture of me, but hey...we are keeping it real right? Fupa and all...

Then we ran the whole rest of the length of the lake and turned around at the 6.55 point.  I was doing well and holding a steady pace.  I had planned to take Gu every 3 miles but seemed to hit a wall at mile 5 so I took it  a little early.  It worked out fine because I took it every three miles after that to carry me through.  I liked the out and back course because it helps me mentally to know I am on my way back and more than halfway there!  Around mile 10 I started getting tired but I knew I would be coming up on my fan club soon, and that I could take more Gu at mile 11.  To my surprise my awesome friend Laura was there to meet me before I reached them!  She gave me a pep talk and ran with me until we got to our peeps!  It was just what I needed at that time.  Here are some pics!

Waiting for me!

Here I come with my pep talking Laura!

Hi guys!  Sooooo happy to see you!!! (10 miles ish in)

Seeing them along with the high fives and pep talk boosted my morale.  Where they were standing was perfect because 1) I got tired at mile 10 where they were and 2) after I left them it was back out of the park and onto the parkway and highway where there were no spectators.  There was however, at mile 12, an aid station with some volunteers.  They were great and reminded me that there was only a mile left! There were plenty of cheers and supportive words from them and even some music whcih was nice.  Somewhere around mile 11.5 it dawned on me that "I AM DOING THIS!".  It was perfect timing  for this epiphany because just before this at mile 11 I was talking to myself (literally outloud) saying "You can do this Jen.  Keep going."  No one was close enough to hear me.  I was struggling to keep it in the 12 min/mile range. After the aid station I started having some grumbling in my stomach.  Perhaps some downward movement.  Oh boy, please not now is all I was thinking.  I dont usually have this problem when running.  I was talking to God saying please let me get through this!  I had heard of people having "accidents" while running and didnt want to be one of them.  Luckily I was fine (until today). 

At mile 12.75 I knew in my head it was almost the end but still no sign of the finish line in site, and not that many spectators either.  Hmmm...  Then I turned the bend and saw it in the distance.  I kept going and my watch said 13.1 but I still wasnt at the finish line.  Whatever.  There it was.  I could see it.  I was sure up to this point I didnt have much left in me but once I got to the cheering spectators and my family and friends on the home stretch I gave it all I had.  I was all smiles as the people were clapping and yelling motivating things.  I looked down at my watch and it said I was at an 8ish min/mile!  I dont know where the burst of energy came from but I loved it!  I finished at 2:38:23.  I did it!!!!!  Here are some more pics.

See me in my pink shirt back there next to the sidewalk?

Home stretch!

Still smiling!  So happy to see the finish line!

Hi guys!  I am almost done!!!!

All done!  Me with my medal!!

Me and my cousin Mike who ran too!

Me and the hubs :)

The crew...

And at the end of the day here is what I have!

I am still on cloud nine today.  I am in awe that I put my mind to this, completed the training schedule and achieved my goal!  And to think that I used to not be able to run for even 30 seconds!  I was one of the bigger girls there but that just made me more proud. 

I am super sore today and having some stomach issues which apparently is normal the day after(??????-Shelley?????).  But it is all worth it!

A little stressed....

But not about the half marathon(which by the way is in 4 short days!!).  Actually I am really looking forward to it. I read there are 900 marathoners and 1100 half marathoners signed up.  I like bigger races because they attract more spectators and its easier to blend in.  There is more people of all different shapes and sizes.   There is such a great feeling amongst the runners all out to accomplish a goal.  And with this many runners I am betting there are others out there doing their first half just like me. 

But my stress is about something else.  We have decided to sell our house.  Its not really the season for selling a house since its starting to get super chilly.  But, we want more land and maybe some more animals.  I like my house but I am excited about moving at the same time.  The hubs and I have talked it over and over again and decided that listing the house is what we should do.  So the sign is in the yard as of yesterday and it feels so...decisive.  We think its better to list it now instead of the spring so that we can settle into a school district for the girls before they start next year.  I dont want next summer to come and us still not know where the girls will be going to school.  Thats cutting it too close.   Even though we are only looking 20ish miles north of where we currently are, it will put our kids in different school district than their (preschool) friends.  So, that makes it hard too.  I have made some awesome friends in the past few years(and our kids).  And it doesnt seem like 20 miles would change that.   I will be praying about it.

6 days and counting....

I cant believe this half marathon is in 6 days.  But now having done the 12.3 mile run last week I feel like I am capable.  At least I hope so.  I am so excited that I can taste it.  I feel so blessed to have such an awesome support system.  I have three good friends (and their families) , my parents, hubby, my kids, and my cousin coming to support me. And my other cousin is running it too (at a much faster pace for sure).  This race is early.  7:00 I think.  Now, that is hardcore support.  I am so blessed to have people who care about me.  I dont think any of them know just how much it means to me.  I can be quite sappy at times. 

But on the flip side...I am so mad at myself.  I just cant get my eating under control.  I joined Weight Watchers.  I did great for the first two weeks.  Lost 10 lbs.  Then it all went downhill.  I didnt go to the meeting last week.  I kept trying to get back on track.  Everyday I would start out well.  I would track my food.  Midafternoon (every single day) something came over me.  I ate what I wanted and stopped tracking.  I said I would start again tomorrow. And I did.  Every day.  Started out great then veered off plan...everyday.  It is a nasty yet familiar blast from the past.  I dont like it.

I have had several bloggers tell me in the past how their weight depends mainly on how they eat, regardless of exercise.  And I am realizing that is so true for me. 

Let the plan work.  Thats what I have to keep reminding myself.  If I follow the plan it WILL work.  What is so hard about that?  I am fighting myself here.  I am getting fruit tomorrow so I am prepared when I get hungry.  Any other suggestions?  The long runs make me hungry the two days after my run.  I am finding hard to control the hunger.

My longest run in preparation... 10 DAYS!!!!

First...where has all the love been?  Where are my regular commenters?  I miss you!!!!!!   I have been freaking out the past few weeks that this half marathon is right around the corner.  Actually, its 10 days from today.  I figured the only way to calm the nerves and "what if"'s was to get out there and prove that I CAN do this.  I needed to turn the doubt off now so I dont spend the next 10 days petrified. 

So yesterday I dropped the kids off at preschool and left from there for a run.  I knew I had exactly two hours and thirty minutes before I had to get back to pick them up.  I set out for what I figured the time would allow me:  12 miles.  I was armed with my Gu and Gu chomps, my friend Laura's water belt (I now realize this is a must have), my Ipod, and Garmin watch.  When I dropped the girls off I could feel people staring at me.  But I didnt care.  One dad said I looked like a science experiment.  hehe.  I really did.

I went six miles and hoped to go a bit further to make it 6.5 so I could make an even 13 miles, but I knew that would put me over the time that I had to be back to pick the girls up.  The first six miles were better than the last six, as expected.  My legs were getting tired and my speed slowing.  But I was doing it!!!  And when I returned to the school 2 hours and 26 minutes later I had gone 12.3 miles.  And if I can do that then what's .8 more to make a half marathon, right?  I felt so proud of myself.  People were stunned that I had just run 12 miles in the time we dropped our kids off.  I was still in shock myself.  The most I had ever run before that was 10 miles. 

Last night my legs started to stiffen up before bed.  I woke up several times during the night because they hurt.  My knees and ankles were so sore.  Even my upper body was a little sore.  When I got up this morning it wasnt much better.  But it doesnt matter because I set out to accomplish 12 miles and I did.  Mind over matter. 

I did have a little "altercation" along my unfamiliar route yesterday.  There were several groups of construction guys I assume working on the same thing in different spots.  The first set was two guys.  The one guy saw me coming and went over to the other guy and said something in his ear.  They both looked up and stared at me.  So 7th grade right?  It bothered me the whole run.  On the way back, about 11 miles in, the same thing.  He saw me, went over to the guy and said something and again they both stared.  They were down in a field.  I worked too hard to let them take my pride.  So...I went right down there into the field and said "Is there something you want to say to me since you keep talking about me and staring?"  He looked shocked that I spoke up.  He said.... "uhhhhh, we have to look for traffic".  I said "Down here in the field?  What you are doing is rude" and off I went.  Now, I know I am a bigger girl (for a runner) with big boobs and a FUPA.  I dont need to be reminded.  Maybe it was traffic, or maybe they were judging me. Or maybe it wasnt negative at all.  Whatever, I said my piece and accomplished my 12 miles.

So the countdown is on:  10 days!!!

Reoccurring dream....

The self doubt is settling in.  I dont like it.  Last night I had a dream that left me exhausted when I woke up.  I have had several variations of the same idea behind this dream over the past few months.  The half marathon is two weeks from Sunday.  Oh dear.  Its coming up and nerves are settling in.  Especially knowing that I am attacking this goal solo.  Well sorta.  I will have support there (yaaaaay!!!-I am soooo excited about this)and my cousin will be running the race too, but surely not at my much slower pace.  Anyway, here was my dream last night:

Its half marathon day.  I am running late (I am a pretty prompt person so this is stressful for me).  I am fumbling around looking for my running shoes.  I cant find them.  There is an option to wear different shoes but can I run 13.1 miles without MY shoes???  Then I find them.  I get to the race.  I am late and it has already started.  I realize I dont have my Ipod.  I am stressing.  How can I run without my Ipod????  I NEED music to run. Wait, I can go get it.  But its not charged and I dont have time to charge it.  Because I am late remember?  I am dreading the run because now I am late and dont have any running music.  I am looking for a place to put my purse so I can go run.  I leave it with these random ladies who are selling food.  There are thousands of people cheering at the start, and all along the course.  I am shocked to see this but excited.  I start running.   I am passing a few people but not many.  I am really behind.  Then I have to squeeze through these parallel bars which are a bridge and pretty close together.  I think to myself "well, I guess they assume runners are thin".  I squeezed through.  I continue running until I woke up and thought to myself, that was a short 13.1 miles!  But I was exhausted when I woke up. 

I think I have a sinus infection which has left me very cranky and impossible to run.  I say that with total honestly.  It hurts to even talk, let alone sneeze or bend over.  My head and eyeballs are killing me.  My teeth even ache.  I cant taste properly.  I am exhausted and even napped today.  Thats a rarity. 

The bottom line is that I am feeling unprepared.  I am getting scared.   What if its rainy?  I hate running in the rain.  What if I cant do it?  What if my sinuses still hurt?  What if I have to walk?  What if I let myself down?  Or my "peeps" who are coming to support me?  What if its a miserable run (I have had my share lately)WHAT IF _______ (the list goes on and on).   The self doubt is speaking to me and the only way for me to combat it is to go out for a long run and prove that I can do it.  But I need my sinuses better in order to do it.  I need to set myself up for success!  Its only 16 days away.  I have worked too hard to let this dream slip away now.  I completed the whole half marathon training schedule which dropped me off at 10 miles....and that was several weeks ago.  I put on weight.  I am down 10.8 on weight watchers though so I am getting there.  But I am surprised at my fear of this half when I have been so excited all along!

20 days....

Until the half marathon.  20 DAYS.  That is soon!  It is really down to business now.  I  havent done a long run in a while for the fear that I cant.  I had several terrible runs in a row that mentally did me in.  But I know I can do it.  I have been doing short runs all week that were not too bad on me  :)  I wanted to get myself back into the swing of things.  And it worked.  So, on one of the non raining cooler days coming up I am going to head out for 10 miles.  I got this.  I can do it.  And it will feel awesome when I am done!  I cant wait to feel that feeling again!  Its amazing :)

So to get myself "in the mood" and super psyched I decided that I must have a special shirt of some sort for my first half marathon.  I have found many online and even some for my girls.  I am having a hard time deciding so I thought there would be no better place to get opinions than right here from you all.  So here are the saying.  Let me know what you think.

kinda sappy?

I like the saying but would look for a "prettier shirt"

Love this :)

Love this one too...

Ha!  Love this too!

cute...

 true?

Funny but not in the running....

And here are the options for the girls shirts (they are 3 and 4).

Thought this was cute since the last sign they made me said "RUN MOMMA RUN!"

comes in pretty colors...

And although the hubs wont be running the half with me, he is always saying how much he hates running but that he does it for me and to stay in shape...  so I feel he should have this one:

It amazes me that a shirt with some writing on it can get me all excited.  haha.