The difference (Jennifer)

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember.  Even though I wasnt obese in high school I never was happy with my weight.  It was when I went to college though that things got a little out of hand.  And I caught it.  At least I thought I did.  I joined weight watchers and lost almost 30 lbs.  Then I met my husband, got comfortable and put on a whopping 75 lbs at least.  Several years later, we had two little girls in the span of a little over a year. We had moved away from home and I really think that I fed my lonliness and stress in attempt to feel better.  The bigger I got the worse I felt and the more I ate.  It was quite a cycle.  I tried for years to do weight watchers again.  I tried  joining again...and then again...and I tried even more rounds on my own.  And I just couldn't seem to make it happen.  I would lose some here or there and then put it back on, usually more.  I was forever saying that I would start the next day, after I was done indulging today.  This went on for years.  Until finally I didnt even recognize me.  I was living in shame, embarassment and guilt for having put on the weight.  When I would go home to see family I would dread going out to public places in the event that I might run into someone who would recognize me and how much weight I had put on.  I spent years and years with this shame.  And no matter how bad I felt about me I just couldnt seem to lose the weight. 

I was thinking today about why things are different now.  Why have I lost 60+ lbs and even when things get tough I dont quit.  Instead I try harder and am more determined than ever.  The old me would have gotten frustrated and quit.  But not now.  Why?  What's the difference?  I think it is a few things.  First, I think I was obese for so long that I actually forgot what it was like to be thinner.  I forgot how it felt physically and mentally to be healthy.  I forgot what it was like to be happy with myself.  As I lost more and more this time I started to get a taste of what it was like again.  And I never want to go back.  I dont ever want to forget what it was like to be obese.   Second, I think over the years I had failed so many times at weight loss that I actually dreaded the thought of a diet.  It seems so hard and like the end goal was not achievable.  So why bother?  I thought of it as a short term thing where I would eat veggies and foods I didnt even like,  and have to give up everything I loved.  This leads me to my third reason.  I really feel I have made some lifestyle changes this time.  I had heard of people saying lifestyle changes in the past and pretty much what I heard was "blah blah blah".  But now if I want to eat something I dont deprive myself.  That is KEY for me.  I eat in moderation and I like it.  I choose healthier things to fuel my body and control my hunger.   I am exercising regularly and I have a good idea of what I am eating and how much I am burning.  I have educated myself on what is good for my body and how to be healthy.  And last, when medical stuff started going on and the dr's were talking about my weight, liver, heart, sugar, etc then I truly got scared.  Now that I am a mom that makes it even more important that I take care of myself.  I want to be the best I can not just for me but for them.  They deserve the best mom they can possibly get.

Thanks to all of you who inspired me on this topic today.  There are many blogs I follow that really make me think.  So many topics really hit home and relate to me.  And that is just one more reason that I feel that this time is different for me.  I have surrounded myself with supportive people who really care.   Thanks to you all.