Monday, July 19, 2010

The difference (Jennifer)

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember.  Even though I wasnt obese in high school I never was happy with my weight.  It was when I went to college though that things got a little out of hand.  And I caught it.  At least I thought I did.  I joined weight watchers and lost almost 30 lbs.  Then I met my husband, got comfortable and put on a whopping 75 lbs at least.  Several years later, we had two little girls in the span of a little over a year. We had moved away from home and I really think that I fed my lonliness and stress in attempt to feel better.  The bigger I got the worse I felt and the more I ate.  It was quite a cycle.  I tried for years to do weight watchers again.  I tried  joining again...and then again...and I tried even more rounds on my own.  And I just couldn't seem to make it happen.  I would lose some here or there and then put it back on, usually more.  I was forever saying that I would start the next day, after I was done indulging today.  This went on for years.  Until finally I didnt even recognize me.  I was living in shame, embarassment and guilt for having put on the weight.  When I would go home to see family I would dread going out to public places in the event that I might run into someone who would recognize me and how much weight I had put on.  I spent years and years with this shame.  And no matter how bad I felt about me I just couldnt seem to lose the weight. 

I was thinking today about why things are different now.  Why have I lost 60+ lbs and even when things get tough I dont quit.  Instead I try harder and am more determined than ever.  The old me would have gotten frustrated and quit.  But not now.  Why?  What's the difference?  I think it is a few things.  First, I think I was obese for so long that I actually forgot what it was like to be thinner.  I forgot how it felt physically and mentally to be healthy.  I forgot what it was like to be happy with myself.  As I lost more and more this time I started to get a taste of what it was like again.  And I never want to go back.  I dont ever want to forget what it was like to be obese.   Second, I think over the years I had failed so many times at weight loss that I actually dreaded the thought of a diet.  It seems so hard and like the end goal was not achievable.  So why bother?  I thought of it as a short term thing where I would eat veggies and foods I didnt even like,  and have to give up everything I loved.  This leads me to my third reason.  I really feel I have made some lifestyle changes this time.  I had heard of people saying lifestyle changes in the past and pretty much what I heard was "blah blah blah".  But now if I want to eat something I dont deprive myself.  That is KEY for me.  I eat in moderation and I like it.  I choose healthier things to fuel my body and control my hunger.   I am exercising regularly and I have a good idea of what I am eating and how much I am burning.  I have educated myself on what is good for my body and how to be healthy.  And last, when medical stuff started going on and the dr's were talking about my weight, liver, heart, sugar, etc then I truly got scared.  Now that I am a mom that makes it even more important that I take care of myself.  I want to be the best I can not just for me but for them.  They deserve the best mom they can possibly get.

Thanks to all of you who inspired me on this topic today.  There are many blogs I follow that really make me think.  So many topics really hit home and relate to me.  And that is just one more reason that I feel that this time is different for me.  I have surrounded myself with supportive people who really care.   Thanks to you all.


dawne said...

Wow, we really are living parallel lives!!!! Weird. Weird, but wonderful. It's great to be able to relate to your story, thoughts and feelings so well.

You're right, we're not a diet...we've changed our lives...forever!

Mom to the Fourth Power said...

What you said about forgetting what it felt like be thinner feel better and healthier really hits home. To remember what it feels like to be happy with yourself!

This whole post hits home with me!! I think another thing that makes you not quit now is that you have HOPE and you BELIEVE that you can feel better and really make it a permanent change!! When I was 75 pounds heavier... I had lost that hope and felt destined to be big and most likely die young... I felt I had no control and it was too big of a mountain to climb. I guess that's why I named my blog the way I did, because this time it's different for me because I really BELIEVE it. And like Dawne said above... it's not a diet but changing our lives... forever! And it's such an emotional journey full of self-discovery, isn't it? Whew!!

I'm glad to follow your blog and in your footsteps to being more fit!! You are awesome!


Lesia said...

I thought the whole time I was reading this post that I should just copy and paste it to my post on my blog. I have walked in your shoes and I can TOTALLY relate. What great words of

Lyn said...

Awesome post! So many of these thoughts and feelings are things we all relate to. You are doing so great :)

Debbi Does Dinner Healthy said...

Very nice. Well written. You're right, the support system is incredible. Even though we don't KNOW each other, just knowing that we all share the same issues, thoughts and problems so helps not to go at it alone! Thanks!

Debbi Does Dinner Healthy said...

Hey, I just picked your name as the winner of my CSN giveaway!! I just wrote this whole email to you and then realized I don't have your email address!! So email me and I'll send you the email with the details. I'm off to bed now though!

Luke & Erica said...

So glad I found this blog, I get three in one! Just recommited to weight loss today. Tired of being this shadow of the healty me I used to be. You don't realize how buried you are until you try to climb your way out!

Luke & Erica said...

I just read your post and YOU are my inspiration! Reading the top half, that is ME, NOW. I couldn't believe how it was word for word my story. I don't know how I'll get out of this rutt, but you have given me hope that it is possible. Thank you! I just started my own blog and hope that it will eventually inspire others too!
Erica Johnson

Jen said...

This post speaks to me in volumes. Thank you so much. I have had weeks, months, and much of the past couple of years over indulging day after day and then saying to myself "I'll start tomorrow..." but tomorrow NEVER comes!!!


Barbara said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I look forward to following yours as well.

I feel great about how I am losing weight because I really feel it is a lifestyle change I've made. That is so key! I am not on any particular diet that I will go off once I reach my goals. I am just trying to be more healthy.

Luke & Erica said...

Jennifer, thanks for stopping by my blog and for the ispirational words of encouragement. I know that this journey is not going to be easy, but to hear from others, just like me, that have succeeded give me more hope!

Yes, I do have music on my blog! I think it's funny that you mentioned it could have been music from your Ipod, I guess we have even more in common ;)

Luke & Erica said...

Jennifer, I know exactly what mean about picking at food and not realizing that everything counts! I have started planning out my meals for everyday either in the morning or the night before. That way there is no guessing, "what do I eat today?"

Zumba sounds like a lot of fun, but I live in a really small town and we don't have Jazzercise or Zumba, so the local dance studio is where I'll be.

As for the music on my blog, all the songs, artists and all, are located at the bottom of my blog on my Playlist.