How Jennifer got her groove back...

Hehe.  That's what I kept thinking for a title post.

I have not been on the scale since my recommitment to my health.  And honestly I am really enjoying it.  I am feeling accomplished just by logging my food into my Lose It app.  Some days I am above goal, some days below.  Isnt that that MODERATION?  Could it be?  I found the sweet spot?  I am not going to say it has been a piece of cake though.  Every meal is a thought process.  Shoot...everything I put in my mouth, or choose not to, is a thought process.  But that's okay. Because at the end of the day I am usually satisfied.  If I want cake, I have it.  If I want pizza, I have it.  And the app makes it pretty easy.  Every once in a while I find something that isn't in there and I have to manually log it in, or guess, but for the most part I seem to have it down.  The other day I wanted ice cream.  In the past I would have thought, "no, I cant.  I am on a diet". Or even worse, I would get a huge cone or sundae with all the fixins and then use that as an excuse to get off track and somehow stay off track for an indefinite amount of time.   I actually made myself have some the other day because this is NOT a diet.  I had something to prove to myself.   I ate it, logged it, and it was yummy.  There was no guilt.

But back to the scale thing....  I have decided not to weigh in for the time being because I know my body and it will take a good 20 + lbs before I even start feeling or seeing a difference in myself or my clothes.  That's a struggle I have always had and it makes it hard to stay focused.  So with no set weigh day and a goal of how much to eat a day I am somehow finding it feels good.  At least at this stage of the game.  I am sure when I DO feel or see a difference I will want to get on the scale and see how its going.  But for now I am just taking it day by day and if I had a day of lots of calories I can make up for it over the next few days.  I have so much work to re-do and I don't want the numbers messing with me.

I went for a jog a few times this week.  Today I did a full mile.  It felt good.  I forgot how I love to sweat when I am running because it makes me feel productive. It was humid. Am I getting back into it?  Could be!  I even made a new playlist for when I run.  This is a MUST for me when it comes to running. I  know lots of people who don't like music when they run.  They say "the quiet helps them clear their head".  Not me.  I NEED music.  Upbeat, peppy music that keeps me moving. 

I would like to say I am experiencing a blast from the past.  But really its fragments from the past.  Baby steps.  hehe.  Its running a mile, not training for a half marathon!  But it feels great!  Without the scale I just have to keep the faith that what I am doing is good.

I AM LIVING "MODERATION"....

Today's reason for losing weight:
*Every day it is struggle to get dressed.  There are so few options for me at this weight.  I am not happy with how anything looks on me, and I refuse to buy more "big girl" clothes when I have a perfectly gorgeous wardrobe in my closet just waiting for me...in lots sizes smaller than I am now. I am wearing the same things again and again and yet not happy with them. I cant wait to enjoy shopping again!

Today I am thankful for:
*I got to have a foster dog at my house for a few hours.  My friend runs a dog rescue, and I love to help in any way I can.  He loved it here!  We filled up the plastic kiddie pool and he loved it!  Labs do love the water!   He sucked up all the lovin we were giving :) I was sad to bring him back.  He barks a lot in the dog pen, but once he was out he was so laid back and just hung out in the yard with us.  I have two dogs already.  One who he played with, the other who doesn't like other dogs much.  Otherwise, I would totally want to keep this sweet boy!

Day 6 on track

I hit my highest weight ever, yet I just could find the motivation to do anything about it.  That is something I never understand.  I have battled my weight for a good 15 years now.  I have gotten to where I want to be a few years ago.  I was there.  I had the taste.  I loved how it felt.  Yet, somehow I let myself get back to the old me.  Only heavier.  The embarrassment, shame, disgust and self consciousness are all back.  And it feels awful.  I just couldn't get ahold of it. 

Over the years I have done lots of "diets", eating plans, exercise routines, etc.  And after 15 plus years and lots of failures and a few successes along the way I have learned a lot.  FINALLY I am seeing the big picture.  I used to hear the word "moderation" and instantly think "blah blah blah". I have always dieted.  I FINALLY am realizing that dieting doesn't work.  Period.  I need something I can do for life.  Something I can live with every single day. 

I really like the Lose It app on my phone.  Its very easy.  I can scan foods and foods are easy to search for.  It tells me how many calories to eat for my current weight, how many I have eaten, how many more I can eat, and takes into consideration my activity.  LOVE IT.  I have combined this with my knowledge that protein keeps me full and keeps the hungry beast away,  and that less sugar means fewer cravings.  All those years and I am finally realizing that success is not a start of a diet and an end of one.  Its a lifestyle change.

I was put to the test yesterday.  I am 6 days into tracking my foods.  We had a gathering yesterday with all the work ladies and our kids.  We are all off for most of the summer so it was great to see them.  Little did I know that when I got there they would have an early birthday party planned for me.  Cake, gifts, the whole nine yards.  CAKE.  In the past I would've thought...."oh no...cake.  I will eat it and scratch the rest of the day and get back on track tomorrow".  And then it wouldn't happen.  Instead, I ate the cake, added it to my log on my app and ate accordingly the rest of the day.  At the end of the day I was under goal with calories and felt pretty darn satisfied, and accomplished!  The cake was good and I enjoyed it...guilt free too!  Depriving myself on certain diets never works for me.  It just adds to my yoyo weight history.  I see that now.

I am not gonna lie though...its been a struggle to exercise.  I am not there yet.  But I know me, and once the scale starts moving just from eating well I will definitely include the exercise portion of getting healthy.  I know I need to and I will.  The motivation will come.  I cannot believe how hard it is to exercise at this weight.  Ugh.  My body is angry at 240 lbs. 

I am going to spend some time catching up on some blogs.  Hope you are all well!

Jennifer

I think I got it!!! Its working!!!

I am happy to say that I am feeling on track.  I would get on track, then fall off, then I would get back on...only to fall off again. It was so frustrating and demeaning.   I was hungry.  Exercise seemed to feel soooo hard compared to when I was fit.  Something just had to give.  I knew I couldnt keep going at this rate or I would just continue to get bigger.  But being so hungry and dreading exercise made it very difficult to get through a day successfully. 

So after talking with my cousin who is becoming a personal trainer, she suggested that I eat more. Of course I was excited yet skeptical.  She calculated the amount of calories that I would have to eat to sustain my weight and it was a huge number...like well over 2000 calories a day. Had I really been eating that many?  Yup, no doubt :(  So anything less than that would allow me lose.  How fast I lose is up to me(within healthy limits of course).  The bigger the deficit the more I lose, the less of a deficit the less I lose.  Basic concept of calories in/calories out.

So my new plan...is to allow myself 1800 calories a day. It feels so doable and sustainable in REAL LIFE.   I was so used to cutting down dramatically to get the weight off.  But with that comes hunger.  1000-1200 calories a day is just not for me.  I like food.  I dont like to feel deprived.  So this higher calorie allowance combined with eating more protein to to stave off hunger seems to be working for me.  I am tracking it all and I will do another post on how I am doing this soon.  But, its working for me!  My daughters birthday was this week.  I ate cake.  I had dinner/lunch out twice this week.  I ordered and didnt feel deprived.  Who knew a few hundred extra calories could make such a difference for me.   The last I checked the scale it said 233.  That was last week.  I will get on again sometime this week.  I am extremely confident which is a great feeling!

Sometimes I eat all 1800 calories, but most times I dont.  But just knowing I can is just what I need. If I eat them all I will lose.  If I dont...I will still lose.  Yaaaaay!    So often gaining and losing weight becomes mind games.  And those of us who are obese know that the mind games often win and therefore its hard to lose the weight and or/keep it off.  So knowing I can eat these calories eliminates a lot of those mind games.  If I know I am going to have a special event (my daughters bday or a work lunch) I just prepare and calculate the extra (cake )calories into my day.  Period. Not so bad when it doesnt take up half of your calories for the day right? 

*Today I am thankful for:  the response I have gotten after my "comeback".  I wasnt sure if I would get "shamed" when coming back after gaining the weight.  Instead, I was welcomed and even praised by so many of you for doing so.  Its great to know I am not alone in this journey.

*Today's reason for losing weight: Running a half mile at this weight is awful.  I cannot wait to get back to running a mile or more with less effort and with much more enjoyment!  Its great to have been there though and to know it IS possible.

~Jennifer

Each choice makes up the big picture

I have been struggling with making myself believe that every choice matters.  Every time I choose to eat, or to exercise(or not to)...every single time counts towards the big picture.  However, I am so far from my goal right now and I am so much further behind the starting line than I have ever been.  Its hard to accept the fact that I have to redo all of my hard work(plus more!), and that I let myself get back here.  But the fact is that every single choice that I make DOES matter.  Every choice I made got me back to obesity.  Every trip to McDonalds, every double portion, etc.  The best way I can think to convince myself is that my health and weight is like a puzzle.  And to get where I want to be, healthy and fit, I need to keep adding pieces to the puzzle until it becomes complete.  The reality is that my puzzle is like a million pieces.  I sure do wish it were an easy 25 piece puzzle.  Hehe. 

I have started to run again(sorta). I run some till I just cant anymore, walk some, run some more, etc. I started a few weeks ago, and then I stopped for a few weeks. I lost the tiny bit of stamina that I had gained back.  So now I am back at it again.  I have to remember to take the advice that I have given so many times right here on my blog when I was "a runner".  So many people have asked me how they could get into running and how it could possibly be enjoyable.  And what I have said over and over is that starting to run is not easy.  It becomes eaiser with time.  At first, that "I cant breathe and need to stop before I die" feeling is awful.  Then your heart and lungs get into shape and before you know it you are running a mile...effortlessly.  And once you are capable of running a mile then anything after that is totally doable.  The second tip to enjoying running is to pace yourself.  If you start out too fast you tire quickly and you have less endurance.  Thats not to say you cant push yourself to increase your stamina here and there.  So...there I have it.  My own advice that I have given to lots of people.  I have been going back to this advice a lot lately.

I keep asking myself why it seems so much harder to get running than I remember.  My conclusion:  I am 240 lbs(I think...I have not gotten on the scale recently).  When I first started running I think I was well under 200 lbs.  That extra weight surely makes a difference.  My body is pretty angry at this weight.  And asking it RUN at this weight seems crazy.  My daughter weighs over 40 lbs and the thought of running with her attached to me is crazy,  And thats pretty much what I am doing...running with a ton more wieght on me than I ever had.  But I am trying my best regardless of how frustrating it is.  I have to keep telling myself "It has to be this hard for it to get easier".

IT HAS TO BE THIS HARD FOR IT TO GET EASIER

IT HAS TO BE THIS HARD FOR IT TO GET EASIER

I am back to using my Lose It app and making good choices.  On the advice of my cousin the personal trainer I am allowing myself more calories and I will cut them as lose weight. 

*Today's reason for losing weight:  Although there is still much snow on the ground here, warm weather and then summer is going to sneak up out of nowhere.  I hate to be fat especially in the summer! 

*Today I am thankful for:  Sugar free popsicles. 

Good food Bad food vs moderation

One thing I can say is that I have done lots of diets.  I have tried so many different eating plans(south beach, medifast, atkins, Weight watchers, etc)out of sheer desperation to get this weight off.  Some were more doable than others, some "worked" better than others, but in the long run I realize I havent really found what works for me.

But I am getting there. 

Regardless of the diet programs I have been on, it has always been good foods(okay to eat) and bad foods(no no foods).  There are foods that were okay to eat on each particular diet, and foods that werent okay.  I have learned that this has left me utterly confused!!!  I am working so hard to learn moderation.  I have some tough habits to break.  One thing I am trying to overcome is if I eat something that feels "forbidden", to try to make it NOT feel forbidden.  I want to allow myself things that I want and then to move on with the rest of my day eating healthy.  Just because I eat one thing that is sweet or yummy doesnt mean the whole rest of the day has to be a loss.

MODERATION. 

How many times have I heard this word.  TONS.  Yet it never really sunk in.

I AM HUMAN.  If I deny myself all the things I love all the time then that is not sustainable for me. It plays into the diet mentality which is not permanent.  If I eat something yummy and higher in calories and fat, its okay!  I am human. I can eat well *MOST* of the time and still enjoy an indulgence here and there.  This is moderation. 

MODERATION- the middle comfort zone between a restrictive diet (I have tried them all!) and overeating indulgent foods all day every day.

MODERATION- no starting an stopping.  Example:  "when I am done with this diet I can have cookies and cake".  There is no end because its not a diet!   Doesnt that sound amazing?

I have never been in this so called sweet spot and I feel myself moving towards it.  I just might be onto something here....  fingers crossed.

Will it ever feel natural?

Today I made a good choice.  I know to some it may sound simple but its a pretty big deal for me.  There is no doubt I love fast food.  I wish I didnt.  I havent had it in a while.  The closest I came was when we were out and stopped at McDonalds for the kids to play and have dinner on our 4 hour drive home through what seemed to be a blizzard.  I chose the grilled chicken salad with southwest dressing.  I was highly satisfied and so was my belly.  I struggle a lot when its time to eat and we are out.  I find myself in this boat a lot.  If I am hungry I tend to lose all control of my choices. 

But not today!  My mind was racing though, I am not going to lie.  My dr appt was at 10:30. It took forever.  Then I needed to get a prescription.  I looked at my watch and it was almost 1:00.  I was hungry.  My daughter was in the back seat whining not just that she was hungry, but that she wanted to eat now.  I told her we would eat at home.  She begged to go through the drive through.  I told her we needed to get home so I could take my medicine.  Its true, but it was only eye drops and it could have waited. It wasnt a far drive home.  But I almost gave in.  I almost went to McDonalds.  Instead I came home and had some burger, a greek yogurt and a few almonds. I wasnt prepared but I still made a good choice.  And after my belly was full, I was proud.  Because it was full from the foods of my choice, not from salty, fatty, carby foods.  But I almost gave in.  So, what was different this time than every other time?  I made myself drive in the opposite direction.  But I am sure if I had driven the other way I would have stopped.  I wouldnt have been able to just drive by. I need to prepare myself for these things.  My husband took my almonds out of the car the other day.  He was trying to help I think by keeping the car clean.  But I want them in there.  They are my go to if I am hungry.  Oddly they fill me.  I need to have more go to foods kept with me.  I will have to work on that.  Because if I dont get hungry then the temptation is controllable.  Make sense? 

Boy...at one point I really thought I had this healthy thing down. But this is a never ending journey for me.  And I have to accept that because there is no other option.  Well, the other option is to be obese and unhealthy as I age.  So, really, thats not an option.   It is a ton of work and a constant battle for me to try to be healthy.  Its annoying to have to stress over every meal and everything I put in my mouth.  I want to get up and out and exercise without making myself do it.  I want being healthy to be NATURAL for me.  Will it ever be?  30 days to make a habit right?  I dont agree.  I was thin(nish) for over a year and got back to square one....or shoot...behind square one.  I struggle every single day on this journey.  Tomorrow I am going to blog about my mindset of good and bad foods and how that affects me.  I am hoping other people will be able to chime in and give some thoughts and opinions.  I will say that I am glad to be on track despite the many tantrums I am having along the way :)

Waiting to see results

I am still going at it!  My cousin is a teacher, but its quite clear that her passion lies in nutrition and being a physical trainer.  She is transitioning careers soon.  My(our) uncle passed away recently and my cousin and I were "reunited" at the services.  She is a tiny, beautiful thing, but so down to earth and easy to talk to.  I talked with her about my weight gain and my struggles with my love for food, etc.  She has so kindly offered to help me.  We may live like 5 hours apart or more, but I am so grateful.  She gives me my workouts by text and has given me some great ideas on nutrition.  I am making healthier, more natural choices which makes it much easier to track my calories(although she swears I dont need to) to keep my cravings down.  Its nothing short of amazing to me how much more control I have in my food choices when I am not eating sugary, fried, fatty foods.  I used to live off the stuff.  Its like I dont want to eat it because I dont want the cravings to come back!

As for my weight...I have no idea.   I was up to 240.  I had lost 12 lbs and had a hard time being excited about it because I am so far from where I want to be.  I was down to 160 two years ago ish and felt great.  So being down to 228 from 240 hardly seems exciting.  Its like redoing all my hard work which is so frustrating. I didnt feel or look any different after that 12 lbs.   So, I am trying something new.  I am avoiding the scale somewhat.  I want to know I am making good choices and hopefully soon feel/see the weight coming off.  I know from my experience that with my body it will most likely take 20-30 lbs before I see a difference.  Thats how I gain so easily too.  It kinda sneaks up on me.  Thats a lot of weight to gain or lose without changing clothes sizes.  I think what I will do is weigh once a month.  I will put my focus on my good choices and exercise and hope that I get the results I am looking for. 

Exercise....yes, she has me doing some short yet intense workouts.  She is a crossfit goer and knows what she is doing.  They are tough workouts.  I have had a stomach bug for a few days so I havent worked out. But before this I managed to run a mile on the dreadmill.  I have had to work up to that mile.  It wasnt pretty but I did it.  I am excited but frustrated.  I ran a half marathon...13 miles!!!!!!  a year and a half ago!!!  I want to get back there.  I wish I hadnt let myself get back to this! 

But I did.  And so I keep trucking along at least knowing I CAN get there again.  And I will.  Last night I dreamed I was training (effortlessly bu the way) for the half marathon.  It was a reminder how running didnt used to be the struggle it is right now.  I cant wait to enjoy it again!

4 year olds dont have filters

This was my second week of limiting my sugar intake along with adding exercise.  The scale obviously didnt get that memo because it said I gained a pound.  But its okay.  Last week I lost 12 pounds in one week!  I have not necessarily been tracking any calories because my appetite and cravings have been well under control.  So I assumed the lack of hunger and eating lots of salads and proteins that I was on the right track.  And I probably am, even without a weight loss.  I know that exercising is good for my body and that the food I am putting in is nutritious.  So I will keep plugging along and keep trying to make good choices.  I really dont want to be tied to some plan like I always seem to be.

*Today I am thankful for:  having a part time job with flexibility

*Today's reason for losing weight:  the other day I was grocery shopping with my 4 year old.  She was between me and the cart and grabs my belly and said "this is getting big mommy".  Yup, true story....

The buffet

I have done well eating all week...almost effortlessly.  My appetite seems under control, and I don't seem to have many cravings.  I exercised last week on the treadmill doing various intensities, each session lasting 30 minutes.  My parents were in town this weekend which is always great.  I love when they come.  My dad has been doing a lot of work on my new house, along with hubs.  So the hubs wanted to treat them and took us all out to dinner.  A buffet.  And I was TOTALLY fine with it.  I ate well and not many things tempted me.  Usually a buffet is a gorging event for me.  So many choices, in unlimited quantities!  A fat girl's dream!   After my main meal, I decided to allow myself some dessert.  I had worked hard for almost two weeks of cutting sugars out and eating only healthy carbs.  It was an amazing experience.  I enjoyed it.  I limited myself.  I FELT IN CONTROL of my eating.  I ate dessert in moderation and left the restaurant ( a buffet mind you) without feeling totally stuffed, yet satisfied.  This little success may seem minuscule to some but is very important to me.  

I have had a bit of sadness in my life lately.  I just lost my aunt to cancer right before Christmas.  I have several other relatives who are sick(hospice involved) and/or not doing well.  It is taking a toll on me, and especially on my mother who is watching her close loved ones die.  My mom is my rock.  Its hard to see her sad and upset.  So I decided its a good time to bring back the "Today I am thankful for...." section to my blog.  Readers always seemed to enjoy it and remembering at least one positive that happened is a great frame of mind to get myself into..  And along with that I will also bring back "Today's reason for losing weight..." to my blog. 

*Today I am thankful for:  my husband.  He is a great team player in this marriage.  Most of the things around the house are shared chores.  There aren't many "man chores" or "woman chores" in our house.  He cooks sometimes.  I paint sometimes.  Sometimes he does laundry, sometimes I take out the trash.  He may be superdad while I stack wood.  When the kids were small he changed diapers, washed bottles, etc.  He does laundry, but is also quite the handyman.  Really, he just steps in and we get things done. He's a big manly guy at 6'3" yet a warm fuzzy when I need him to be.  Here I am talking about him and he doesn't even read my blog to know about it!

*Today's reason for losing weight:  Apparently the girls at work are doing weigh ins every Monday at work.  None of them are big in my opinion, yet they all seem to think they are.  I can relate to that because when I was 160 (my lowest weight) I still wasnt happy with how I looked (are we ever??) I heard them say they are all within 5 lbs of one another.  I am guessing I am at least 80 lb more than them.  Now THAT makes me look at my size and weight quite differently. I felt like an outcast fat girl again :(  I will say that I work with very sweet ladies and there is no negative feelings among any of us.  My feelings of being an outcast are clearly my disgust with myself. 

Jennifer

Smell and taste

I can smell and taste a little bit more as the day goes on, so hopefully that means I am on the mend!  Everyone loses their taste at some point when they have a cold or sinus infection for a bit.  But this is the first time I didnt have taste or smell for almost 3 days.  It made me more conscious of my eating habits.  I have said how I havent had many cravings and that my appetite has been under control since I have tried to cut sugars out and eat more complex carbs.  And it was the same these past few days.  So what is very enlightening to me is that I found myself very disappointed when I couldnt taste.  I wanted to be able to taste and enjoy my food, and I was ticked off when I couldnt.  I guess I really do love food.  There were a few times I found myself wandering around aimlessly looking for something to eat even though I wasnt hungry or craving anything.  I had to remind myself that I wouldnt be able to taste anything anyway, but it was again a realization that I DO eat when I am not hungry or craving anything.  There was no smell that made me hungry.  I was looking for food because I am used to it being something that makes me feel good, or just to eat out of boredom.  Interesting.

Jennifer

Week one-still going

Hello All.  Just a quick post today :).  One week in and I am down 12 lbs.  I am rather shocked by that, although I am sure it is mostly water weight.  I continue to limit my sugar intake, and I am taking in mainly carbs that are complex(some fruit, wheat bread, yogurt, etc).  And as I posted the other day, the most *miraculous* thing so far is that my appetite and cravings seem under control.  I am not calorie counting, or following any specific diet.  I am just listening to my body and trying to be more active.  I eat when my body says its hungry, but yet not ravenous to eat junk like usual.  Its a totally different kind of hungry.  I have used the treadmill a few times for 30 minutes and have done mostly walking with an alternating running(not jogging).  I know this one minute segment of running is what is helping my lungs and body to build endurance.  I feel like I am going at this pretty slow and taking this as another learning lesson.

I am currently reading a book about food addicts.  I will give more info about it when I get further into it.  But so far, it makes an awful lot of sense and makes me look at this journey differently.  I think I am battling a sinus infection and cant seem to taste or smell anything today, or yesterday.  I do feel better than yesterday, but if tomorrow isn't a ton better it may be a trip the the Dr for some antibiotics. 

Hope all is well. I will check in again soon.

Jennifer

Sugar and feeling in control

It feels great to be "back"!!  Its no secret I have experimented with several different diets and methods to lose weight.  I have no regrets along the way because essentially I have learned what works and what doesn't work.  And that is so important in this journey!

One of the plans that I did was Body for Life.  It focuses on certain exercises paired with an eating plan.  I bought the book and that was about it.  There was nothing else to buy. And I didn't even need to buy the book because its all readily available online, for free even :).   The plan focuses on eating properly, and gives a pretty specific list of foods that can be eaten.  It teaches what complex carbs are and how they should be paired with a protein.  You do the plan for 6 days and get one free day.  Its a rather restrictive eating plan, however, the main thing that I learned from this plan was that it really controlled my appetite.  This is the only plan of the many, many plans that I have tried that was able to control the beast( aka: my appetite) and almost totally took my cravings away.  I know that my appetite and cravings are my main issues in this journey.  When I would get hungry on this plan, it wasn't a craving or starvation feel.  It was a simple belly growl reminding me to eat.  But there were no cravings for sweet sugary things like I am used to.  Great right?!  So where did I go wrong?  The free day.  You get a free day and I learned that once my body got sugars, and simple carbs, it was very hard to get back on track.  It take a few days of eating their way to get rid of the cravings again.

This is one of the most important things I have learned in this journey.  When they are out of my system I don't crave them!  Even if they are right in front of me!!  Now THAT is nothing short of AMAZING!  So, I am not calorie counting, and although I am not following this diet per say, I am taking what I learned and using it in my every day life.  Feeling in control of my eating is huge for me.  I am cutting out most simple carb sugars, eating complex carbs, and exercising. 

It feels great!  It feels great not to be on any specific plan and yet still be eating well.  This might be a first, and hopefully a way of life. It feels great to be in control of my appetite and cravings. 

What is healthy?

When I signed into blogger I noticed I had one less follower then when I posted the other day.  I usually don't pay much attention to the number but notice it now when I log in.  But I am not bothered, which is odd because I tend to be a sensitive person.  The way I see it is that this is my journey.  It may not be inspiring to people when I am coming back after putting ALL my weight back on...plus some.  I am not running half marathons and losing weight regularly yet.  I am not posting about my accomplishments or how great things are going (yet).  But this is my reality right now.  My struggle.  My journey. And I accept it...because otherwise I play the denial game and would continue to get bigger and bigger.  Of course I want to be inspiring to others through this blog.  But....Life isn't always easy, and its not REAL if I only post about the good things.  I am not perfect.  Life isn't always perfect.  There are bumps in the road, and obstacles that stand in our way.  Some are bigger than others.  Its what we do when we get to those bumps and obstacles that matter.

Speaking of perfect, I have been thinking about what my actual goal is(again...sigh).  I was down to 160 lbs at one point a while back,  and that was still considered overweight for my height and frame.  Yet for me, I do believe I was happy at that weight.  I felt good.  My body felt good.  I wore a size 10(even with the Fupa).  When I ran my half marathon I weighed about 180 lbs.  Again, I felt good.  My weight a bit higher, but there is no doubt I was somewhat fit.  I ran for 13.1 miles straight!  I am still in awe of that.   At any rate, I know lots of people who ARE at their ideal weight, yet they don't exercise an ounce, or they smoke, or eat like garbage, drink lots, etc.  And sometimes I am jealous that they don't have to think about exercise, or every single thing they put in their mouth and how it will affect their weight and pants size.   But I have learned that its one thing to look healthy and its another thing to BE healthy.  I learned the other day when I tried to run at 240 pounds, that I WAS healthy back then.  I see now that it took great endurance, stamina, and strength to run that half marathon. I WAS healthy, even if I was still overweight according to some chart.

One of my greatest accomplishments was that half marathon in October 2011.  And before that, it was my first 5K, and then my first 10K.  These experiences changed my life.  They showed me what I am capable of if I just put my mind to it. They showed me that I can be fit and wear cute clothes.  They showed me I can be confident and proud of myself.  Now that I am back at square one(or maybe even behind that).  I cant even run a half of a mile without stopping and being so uncomfortably out of breath, I realize and appreciate just how fit I was.  This is a HUGE lesson learned for me.  Putting the weight back on stinks, and having to redo all my hard work to get it back off stinks, but figuring things out in my head and learning from them is priceless.

On that note, I have felt in control of my eating and plan to incorporate some exercise very soon.  I am in the right mindset, finally.

Jennifer

Remember me?

Where to begin.  Its was June that I last posted.  At that point I had managed to get myself back up to 200 lbs.  I am so embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I have put even more weight on.  Actually, I do believe I am at an all time high weight for myself.  I have a ton of excuses but really when it all comes down to it, they are just excuses.  I weighed 240 lbs this morning on the scale.  I remember being so upset when I was training for my half marathon and  my weight jumped to 180 lbs.  What I would do to get back down to that weight!  I guess its all relative.

My body is angry.  My joints ache to the point where its painful to walk.  I have knots in my neck and shoulders again.  My back hurts. I have headaches again, and my heartburn is awful.  But worse than all of this is the disgust I have with myself.  The embarrassment I feel and the fear or who I will run into when I go out is a feeling I hadnt missed.  It is back.  I am ashamed.  What will people think, or say, when they see all this weight I have put on?  I have lost my confidence.  I definitely had some setbacks that made it difficult to exercise for a while.  I had two foot/toe injuries back to back.  But that set me back a month total probably.  And we bought a new house and moved over the summer.  I started my new job.  Yada Yada....these are all excuses I have made for myself.  So what...things got busy. Everyone gets busy.  Really what happened is that I lost control of me.  I stopped taking care of me. 

Its time to get it back. I deserve it.  My family and friends deserve a better me too.  When I am happier with me, I am a better wife and mother.  I am a better daughter and friend. 

And I think there is no better place to start than here.  I am going to head back to the start of my blog and begin reading.  I want to remember the good things, and the bad.  I want to remember what works for me, and what doesnt.  I want to remember the feelings I was having and how I stayed motivated all that time.  I want the happy me back again.  I have become miserable. Cranky. Its such a cycle. I gained weight. I got cranky. I made the cranky go away by eating. And as I was making the cranky go away for a few minutes as I ate, it only made for more cranky as the numbers crept up and up on the scale.  Its such a cycle.  And I am mad that I thought I had beat it.  It just goes to show this is a battle I will have to fight every day of my life.

Tomorrow I have a hair appointment.  I am getting it chopped.  I am going to have the brows done and hopefully at the end of the day, I will feel like a new me on a new road to my success.  I definitely took some wrong turns in this journey but hey, as mad as it makes me, I am accepting it and moving on from this point.  Otherwise, I continue to spiral downward.  I have done this before, and I will do it again.  I have the benefit of knowing how it felt to cross the finish line at the half marathon.  I know how it felt when I wore a size 10.  I know how it felt when I was not embarrassed to meet new people, or bump into old friends.  I know how it felt to be confident and content and how it spilled into all the other parts of my life.  Some people never get that chance.  I have been there.  And I want to be back there. 

 I have been there.  I want to be back there.  Here I come.

Jennifer