Remember me?

Where to begin.  Its was June that I last posted.  At that point I had managed to get myself back up to 200 lbs.  I am so embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I have put even more weight on.  Actually, I do believe I am at an all time high weight for myself.  I have a ton of excuses but really when it all comes down to it, they are just excuses.  I weighed 240 lbs this morning on the scale.  I remember being so upset when I was training for my half marathon and  my weight jumped to 180 lbs.  What I would do to get back down to that weight!  I guess its all relative.

My body is angry.  My joints ache to the point where its painful to walk.  I have knots in my neck and shoulders again.  My back hurts. I have headaches again, and my heartburn is awful.  But worse than all of this is the disgust I have with myself.  The embarrassment I feel and the fear or who I will run into when I go out is a feeling I hadnt missed.  It is back.  I am ashamed.  What will people think, or say, when they see all this weight I have put on?  I have lost my confidence.  I definitely had some setbacks that made it difficult to exercise for a while.  I had two foot/toe injuries back to back.  But that set me back a month total probably.  And we bought a new house and moved over the summer.  I started my new job.  Yada Yada....these are all excuses I have made for myself.  So what...things got busy. Everyone gets busy.  Really what happened is that I lost control of me.  I stopped taking care of me. 

Its time to get it back. I deserve it.  My family and friends deserve a better me too.  When I am happier with me, I am a better wife and mother.  I am a better daughter and friend. 

And I think there is no better place to start than here.  I am going to head back to the start of my blog and begin reading.  I want to remember the good things, and the bad.  I want to remember what works for me, and what doesnt.  I want to remember the feelings I was having and how I stayed motivated all that time.  I want the happy me back again.  I have become miserable. Cranky. Its such a cycle. I gained weight. I got cranky. I made the cranky go away by eating. And as I was making the cranky go away for a few minutes as I ate, it only made for more cranky as the numbers crept up and up on the scale.  Its such a cycle.  And I am mad that I thought I had beat it.  It just goes to show this is a battle I will have to fight every day of my life.

Tomorrow I have a hair appointment.  I am getting it chopped.  I am going to have the brows done and hopefully at the end of the day, I will feel like a new me on a new road to my success.  I definitely took some wrong turns in this journey but hey, as mad as it makes me, I am accepting it and moving on from this point.  Otherwise, I continue to spiral downward.  I have done this before, and I will do it again.  I have the benefit of knowing how it felt to cross the finish line at the half marathon.  I know how it felt when I wore a size 10.  I know how it felt when I was not embarrassed to meet new people, or bump into old friends.  I know how it felt to be confident and content and how it spilled into all the other parts of my life.  Some people never get that chance.  I have been there.  And I want to be back there. 

 I have been there.  I want to be back there.  Here I come.

Jennifer

I am back

Its been a while.  Its not a surprise that when people disappear from Blogger that there is often a reason.   And although I have sworn there is no wagon to fall off of because this has been a lifestyle change, I was wrong.  I totally fell off the wagon.  I lost my grip and my control over my eating.

I was offered a part time job doing something that I really like! It works well around my husbands crazy schedule which is so important because we do not have family where we live.  Ahhh....where we live.  We sold our house.  The closing and moving day was supposed to be Friday.  Except apparently the lawyers (of all people) are not respecting the date on the contract.  So we are in a holding pattern with no actual date to move.  So we sit staring at our boxes and living off what is not yet packed.

I have been thinking about some things.  My girls are 4 and 5 and have tantrums like I am sure every little kid does.  Maybe it just seems worse because there are two and they play off each other.  We dont give into the tantrums yet they still happen. We are now using a technique I have read about in a book that seems to be working well.  My point is that the things they tantrum over are usually material things.  It dawned on me that we need to simplify our lives.  They dont need 15 pairs of shoes each.  I believe choices for children are essential but can also be limited.  With much of our stuff packed and fewer choices, there are fewer tantrums.  Amazing right?  Also,  I do not want to raise spoiled children.  I want to teach my children to be appreciative.  Parenting is always a work in progress.  I am loving it.

As for my weight.  I have lost the grip I had.  I have spun out of control.  I am right back up over 200 lbs where I started.  The difference is that I know that I can get back down to where I want to be because I have been there once.  I have started running again.  It was like starting from scratch and extremely frustrating.  I ran a half marathon in October and couldnt run a mile when I started running again!  I had to remind myself of all the advice that I have given to others over the past few years.  Starting is the hardest part and it does get better!  Once I trained to complete a mile it got better.  I feel strong and happy when I complete a run.  Although my body is unhappy running with all this extra weight.  When I see pictures of myself I am disgusted again, yet reminded that there was a time when I was proud of the weight I had lost and could see the accomplishment in the pictures.  I am disgusted when I put a bathing suit on, but also remember that a year ago I was much more comfortable and less embarassed.

I want to get back there.  However, there is an ounce of positivity here.  At this weight a few years ago before I became fit, I would have been in a size 20/22.  I am currently in a 16 even though I am at the same weight.  So its obvious that there are lasting changes and that not all of my hard work has been undone.  My FUPA feels and looks huge again.  But I find peace in knowing that I can reduce the size with hard work.  I hadnt realized just how much smaller it had gotten when I was fit.  I am clearly reminded now that it is back and huge.

This has been a struggle.  There are ups and downs.  I am in a down.  I love food.  And I need to re-love exercise again.

I hope you all are doing well.  I will spend some time trying to catch up on all of the goings on!  Please feel free to leave me an update.  I would love to hear!  Also, on a side note....I unfortunately had to add word verification onto my blog again because I was getting 20+ spam comments a day.  It was just too much.

Jennifer

My ultimate reward...

I knew that choosing a reward to get me to goal is a must for me.  And I knew this reward would have to be something that would really push me.  I have gotten down to 160 in the past and that is as low as I could get my body to go.  So...after much thought I decided that when I get into the 150's, even if it is 159, I am going to get a.......

TUMMY TUCK!

Think what you will, judge if you must, but my FUPA is quite big and  literally hangs off the front of my body.  My zipper of my jeans cuts into it daily leaving a vertical line making it look like a butt.  And actually there is not much feeling to some of it and its always cold.  It makes me uncomfortable, and self conscious every single day.  If I dont wear a bathing suit with a skirt my fupa literally sits on my legs and leaves tan marks :(  This may be too much info for some, but its the truth.

I have done some reasearch about the surgery and have seen some before and after pics.  It was actually comforting to see that others have this "condition" and that the after results are good.  I dont ever plan to wear a bikini.  Thats not my goal.  But if I can get rid of the self consciousness then I am all for it.  I know it wont be cheap, or painless.  But I have been on this journey for a long time and I really need something to push towards.  My thinking is if we have taken loans out for a boat, work on the house, etc, then I am worth taking a loan out for too...  But I have to work hard to get to that point!!

WW week one results

I am down 4.2 lbs after my first week of WW.  I used my weekly allowance points and I will continue to do so for now.  It allows me to feel less deprived. Yesterday my girls made whoopie pies.  I allowed myself to have one and tracked it.  I still find myself surprised by how much food I was eating a day.  Something that was like 10 points I would have two or three of in a sitting and that is all the points I get a day!  I have also learned to use fruit as a filler and to try to stay ahead of my hunger.  Once I get hungry I seem to lose control.

I have not been exercising much because I am trying to let my knee and foot rest.  Yup, my foot now too.  I have no idea what is going on so I figured it was best to not put stress on it for now.  The weather will be getting nice soon (I hope) and I want to be able to get out and run.  So I am trying to rest up and get some weight off so its less stress on my knee and foot. 4.2 lbs is a start!

I have been doing some thinking about my end goal.  What do I want it to be?  And I have also decided that when I reach that goal I am going to give myself a reward.  I will wait until another post to share it but its a biiiiiig reward that really has me excited to get to my goal!!!

So glad so many people can relate

It was so heartwarming for me to read the responses on my last post.  I was surprised that so many people can relate.  I was really feeling like maybe something was wrong with me.  But it was great to realize that there are other people out there with the same struggles as me and that I am not alone.  And while I still dont really understand *why* I love food so much I know I am not alone. 

I treated Saturday like a free day and surely used up my extra 49 allowance points..  But they, thats what they are for. For me its about not feeling deprived and WW even says that is so important to achieve success.  And I know I should have counted every single thing I ate that day but I didnt.  But it was back to tracking today and it felt good.

Yesterday the sweets were calling to me.  I tried drinking more water so my belly would get full but I swear those chocolate cookies on the counter were calling me and the cheesecake in the fridge was too.  At home I try not to keep too many temptations in the house but we were at a friends house and they do not struggle with overweightness.  And again I was wondering why I am so different.    How come they can have those things in the house and be thin and I cant?  Not sure why this has been bothering me so much over the past few weeks.

Our house is for sale and we had a showing yesterday.  Do you have ANY idea what it is like to get your house ready to show?  Well maybe for some people its no big deal(and trust me I have seen some houses where people just dont care) but for me it means spotlessness.  Everything has to have a home.  I swear my house looked like it should have been on HGTV.  We dont have a house to move into yet so I am a little indifferent to selling right now.  There is so much crap out there that is overpriced.  It makes us second guess moving since we remodeled our house to make it what we want it to be.  Supposedly the people liked it but need to sell their house first.  Same story here.  But there is nothing out there that we love right now.  We want acreage(like lots), a house with enough living space,reasonable taxes (which seems impossible in this state), privacy, yet convenience to what we need and not too far from our friends.  We love our current house but dont have the acreage or as much privacy as we would like.

I have been praying about making the right decision.  I was hoping this past showing would lead us in the right direction.  I know its not quite the season for buying/selling.  So for now we will just keep on praying.

This was hard for me to write

I am still in awe of how much food I have been eating for the past several months.  It really has me thinking and questioning myself.  If what/how I am eating on WW is considered "normal" then why do I always want more of everything?   Why do I always think about food?

Growing up we rarely ate out.  My mom worked full time yet still always had a healthy homecooked meal on the table each night.  It wasnt until I was in high school that I started eating fast food but only here and there(I worked at a mall).  Then in college there was so much freedom and I ate the crappiest food.  I remember seeing all these skinny girls working out and eating salad all the time yet they were the big partiers too.  I remember going to the dining hall and getting grilled cheese and dessert and then going to the school store where I could use my meal card to buy anything in there including cookies, chips, sweets, etc.  But even then I wasnt that overweight.

But somewhere along the line I learned to really love food.  Especially fast food.   And to this day I still love it.  I could eat McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell, or Wendys at any given time.  I am always hungry for something from these places.  Even when we would go to a nice dinner it is so tempting for me to order the greasiest, fattiest things. 

Why?

Why do some people not love food like I do?  I  have friend who go all day and dont think of eating until their stomach says its time.  Why do I get excited when its time to eat and always look forward to the next meal?  When we get an invite somewhere I wonder what kind of food they will have.  I have always thought that I didnt have an unhealthy relationship with food and that I just like it.  But now I am wondering if I was wrong.  Everyday is a battle for me when it comes to food choices.  Is it a mental thing that I have it set in my head that those things are yummy?  Its not like I binge eat, but I do recognize that I have a embarrassingly large appetite and make unhealthy food choices because they seem to taste best to me.  I dont feel like I eat to make myself feel better, I just LOVE food. It tastes yummy.   Some people love scrapbooking, or baseball, or jewelry...I love eating.  I just wish I loved eating carrots and lettuce instead of big fat juicy hamburgers and high calorie sweets.

For some reason this post was embarrassing for me to write.  Maybe its the possibility that something is wrong with me instead of me just passing it off as I like to eat.  Or maybe because I am realizing that it more a struggle for me than I thought.

Trusting my own advice

Yesterday I decided to join WW.  I joined online in the morning at a starting weight of 202.  Its so disappointing to be up over 200 again.  I chose WW because I really do think it will teach me portion control and how to manage everyday eating.  I decided I no longer want to do this plan or that plan that I know arent sustainable for life.  And after just day one I realized just how much food I didnt eat compared to every other day when I am going solo.  I swear I must have been eating at least 4x the amount of food throughout the day, every day.  Hopefully my appetite will shrink over time.   For a person who really loves food its a daily struggle to eat healthy and in proper portions.  I love the WW app on my phone.  It will take some time to get used to it but with time it will get easier I think.

Yesterday I got on the dreadmill and did a preset workout for 30 minutes.  There was no running at all.  Just walking between 2.5 and 3.5 mph at various inclines.  I was surprised how much it took out of me.  I even had to stop a few times to catch my breath.  This is mortifying for me.  And then today I decided to take the dog out for a walk/run.  Even though I usually have a rule that it must be at least 40* out I decided to go even though it was only 34*...burrrrr.   I made it a half a mile when the snow started falling and kept getting steadier.  Again, huge disappointment with how much stamina and endurance I have lost in just 4 months.  But I am super excited to know that it will come back soon with all of my efforts!

And then it hit me.  I remembered why people (including myself at one time) hate running.  They see it as this awful thing.  And they are right.  If you arent conditioned, or are just starting out, it can feel pretty grueling.  But what most people dont know is that it gets sooooooo much easier and even enjoyable!  It made me remember that I have given this advice over and over again when approached about how to become a runner:  1)you will be shocked how fast your endurance builds  2) training to get through the first mile seems to be the hardest 3)soon it will be a thoughtless enjoyment of "me time" to think or to listen to some awesome tunes. 

So now its time to take my advice and trust myself.  So many people have come to me asking how they could become a runner too.  And I was always so excited to give my thoughts because I truly stand behind them.  Todays run wasnt easy but I did get out there and do it, and its all part of the process.  As much I want to, I cannot expect my body to go out and run the way it used to with an added 40 lbs and being de-conditioned by my laziness over the past several months.

Every choice does matter.  Each one is part of the bigger picture.  Each choice is like a piece of the puzzle that will be a success when its all put together.  Its up to me how quick I put it together.

Things I miss

I was about this close to reordering Medifast food yesterday.  But before I processed my order I went through my old Medifast posts from when I first started the blog.  The first week was a huge loss of 10 lbs and every week after that I lost like 1.5 lbs average.  It just seems like a lot of money and a drastic way of eating to lose a lb a week and not be able to exercise.  My weight loss slowedand sometimes even stopped with exercise when I did that plan. 

I miss being proud of my weight loss when I look in a mirror.  I miss wearing a size 12.  I miss feeling good.  I am pretty sore these days. My body is not happy at this weight.  I miss feeling good about myself.  I miss feeling less self conscious.  I cant even imagine getting in a bathing suit right now to get on our boat we bought last year.  I miss shopping for cute clothes. 

The only thing stopping me from all the things I miss is ME. 

My husband keeps telling me to exercise. The last thing I feel like doing with my sore bodyis exercising.  Be he is right.  And I need to get over this confusion of what to eat, especially when I dont know the calories of something like a complex meal that I cant just look up online. 

So I whipped out my WW stuff and will use that as a guideline.  I think it will help.  WW runs pretty much along the same lines as calorie counting except I get free fruit :) 

I feel like I am grasping at so many options over the past weeks.  But I really need to help myself out here. I am so unhappy at this weight.  Only I can fix it.  The warm weather is coming and I need to have a plan in place NOW so when its boat time I am not refusing to wear a bathing suit.  Also, all of my warm weather clothes are size 12.  I will having nothing to wear if I dont do something now! 

I need to get some things at the store!

A bit disappointed

A week of watching what I am eating and the scale hardly budged.  That is odd for me.  Having been a yoyo dieter for so long, I expected the dramatic drop in calories to produce a pretty hefty weight loss the first week.  I am not sure what happened that it didnt.  I havent been exercising much because my knee is sore.  But I am going to have to find something that does irritate my knee.  And actually, when I ran last week that didnt seem to bother it.  So I may do one of the preset workouts on the treadmill until it gets warmer out.  Those preset workouts always seem to make me sweat!  I am not going to give up.  I dont like how my body feels or how it looks right now.  And its amazing how much it affects my self esteem.  Even though I may not have lost much last week I felt better about myself for trying.

The warmer weather will be getting here soon.  I dont want to feel as self conscious as I do now.  I want to fit in my size 12's that are in the tote under the bed waiting for me.  So I better get to it!!!  I guess its time to listen to the hubs who is forever telling me that exercise is the key. 

Doing what works for me

Over the years I have taken many routes in the diet department in an attempt to lose weight and get healthy.  I have done Medifast, Weight Watchers, counted calories, Body for Life, South Beach, Atkins...etc.  I am sure there are more but those were the biggies.  I have learned a lot along the way, and I have pulled the things out of each plan that have worked for me. 

Medifast taught me to eat 5-6 smaller meals a day. It also taught me to make sure I am taking in enough carbs if I am going to attempt cardio exercise or else I will feel sick.

Weight watchers taught me portion sizes and pretty much runs along the same lines as calorie counting.  It has also taught me to journal my food so nothing is forgotten.  I am always shocked at how much more I eat when not "counting".

Calorie Counting never ceases to amaze me.  The calories add up soooo fast and it becomes quite clear why I struggle with my weight. 

Body for Life taught me a lot.  First, I finally understand the difference between simple and complex carbs.  I also learned that protein keeps the hunger away and that removing simple carbs (sugary foods) totally keeps my cravings away. This was a huge discovery for me.  It changed my whole feeling of hunger.  Hungry and craving something is much different than my tummy growling to remind me to eat. Is that what people who dont love food like I do feel?  Body for Life also promotes one "free" day a week which helped keep me on track the rest of the week.  It also promotes a lot of intense weight lifting to get good results.

Atkins and South Beach were not for me.  I need something that is more of a lifestyle change.  Although I did learn a lot about which foods have carbs and which dont.


SOOOOOOO.....

I came up with a plan that I think will work well for me.

I am tracking my food daily. 
I drink tons of water like I always do.
I eat 5-6 meals a day to prevent hunger.
I have increased the protein in my diet to prevent hunger.
I aim for 1200 calories a day and give myself one free day a week-in moderation.
I attempt to stay away from sugary foods(simple carbs)  to prevent and avoid cravings***key for me!!!
When the knee feels good I will run and lift weights as I enjoy both.
Reminding myself that EVERY CHOICE MAKES A DIFFERENCE. 

I am impressed at how educated I have become over the years.  And I can finally say that I dont feel like a failure at any of these plans, although I am not at my goal weight.  I really learned a lot and took the useful stuff out of each of them.  Like I said before, learning how to keep cravings and hunger away is key for me.

I would love to hear your thoughts!

How is it possible...

How is it possible that just four months ago I ran a half of a marathon and I felt better than I did after my one mile run today?  And can I even call it a run?  I had to STOP....twice ....during the run.  I didnt expect to have to stop at all during a "simple mile".  It was far from simple.  My body has lost so much since I stopped running and put on weight.  I do have a slight cold (my very sweet husband tried his best to convince me that this was part of the problem), but that its  just an excuse. Its just a stuffy nose.   My lungs hurt, like actually hurt.  I was out of breath, panting like I had been running uphill for miles or something.  How could I have let my body get this way?  

But........I am so glad that I remembered how it was when I first started running about two years ago.  It was this same feeling.  I couldnt run for very long.  There was little enjoyment.  But as time went on my body became conditioned and running became much easier and even fun!  I would rarely get out of breath and learned to pace myself.  My body became firmer. I never imagined my body would be conditioned to run miles and miles.  And, because I KNOW my body is capable of this and that running WILL become easier I will stick through it during this beginning and tough stage.  I feel so blessed to have the benfit of knowing this. 

The reason for my run today:

Although I had planned to run with my friend this morning, she was not feeling well and was not able to.  So, I admit that I was going to ditch the idea of running today.  Instead I went shopping with another friend...which proved the be the best thing I could have done today apparently.  I tried on a ton of things.  All the coats were too small.  Even the XL's.  There were so many cute coats I missed out on that once would have fit.  And then there was the dressing room.  Have my mirrors at home been telling me lies everyday?  In the dressing room any ounce of denial I had(and clearly there must have been some) has completely disappeared.  Every flaw I have was very evident in that mirror.  I tried on a pair of 14 jeans that didnt even make it up to my hip.  It felt like I was trying to squeeze into a size 2.  My stomach rolls made every shirt look unappealing,  my arms the biggest I have seen them, and my boobs looked sloppy.  Lets not forget the FUPA...it was there and my zipper was unattractively pressing tightly into the middle of it making it look like I had a left fupa and a right one.   And then came the bathing suits.  Shoot.. may as well add to the REALITY of what my body REALLY looks like, right?  I decided then I would run as soon as I got home.

Talk about a wake-up call.  It was harsh.  But it put me right where I need to be.  What I eat DOES matter and lack of exercise DOES make a difference.  I did this to myself.  There are no excuses and no one else to blame.  But again, I am blessed to know that my body can get down to a more pleasurable size with hard work and determination.  If I didnt know it was possible it would be harder to have the motivation.  I never thought I would be back at this spot again.  But the reality is that I am.  Every choice does matter.

Perfect timing

We all know that getting back on track can be quite a struggle.  So the fact that I have a cold and a lack of appetite and cravings is perfect timing!  Although, I do hope that I am feeling better tomorrow as I have a simple one mile run planned.  I expect that just one mile will be a struggle for me.  But its okay.  Its better to plan for struggles right?  Its tough to swallow the fact that I was running 13 miles 4 short months ago and that one mile will probably whoop me tomorrow!  But at the same time I am excited to get the ball rolling again.  My fingers are crossed that my knee will not be an issue.

I got on the scale this morning.  Its only day two of my recommitment but I wanted to have an accurate starting place.  It was bitter sweet.  Mostly bitter, but a tad sweet...hehe.  199.5.  So while I am up almost 40 lbs from my lowest weight of 160 (bitter) I did not see the 200's again (sweet).  I am ashamed that I am at this place.  I never thought in a million years I would go back. But at least I am not alllllllllllllllll the way back to where I started. 

Its super annoying and frustrating to have to lose pounds that I have already lost once, no doubt.  And at first it seemed so overwhelming.  But then some more positive thinking snuck up on..  Even though my pants are snug and some of the smaller 14's dont fit, I realized that I dont have to lose all 40 lbs instantly to get back into them.  I was wearing them just a few short weeks ago.  So its exciting to be able to set mini goals for myself that seem quite attainable.  Does that make sense.   If I look at the big number of RE-losing 40 lbs its much more frustrating than taking baby steps.  Instead I am going to choose to enjoy my successes along the way.  I will do my best to share them!

There are so many negative things that come along with this weight gain.  I wanted to lay it all out there so hopefully I can look back one day and realize that these things are gone!  Sometimes we overlook the progress we are making and I want to make sure I enjoy the successes that will come along the way (again). Here are a few of the negative things associated with my weight gain:

*Loss of self esteem
*Shame and embarrassment
*Not enjoying shopping for clothes
*Heartburn/reflux
*Sluggishness
*Irritability
*Dreading getting dressed everyday bc not much fits
*Feeling uncomfortable in my own skin
*Achey joints
*Lack of motivation
*Bras are too tight.
*Stomach tire above my jeans is back
*Constant wonder if/where people see the weight gain

I am sure there are more but thats what I came up with. 

I was quite taken back by all the welcome backs on my post yesterday.  Thank you so much.  I guess I forgot what an awesome support system and community this is!

Back again

Yes, I am still here.   And no, it hasnt been pretty.  But kind of like cleaning, I was waiting and hoping for that *feeling* to come over me to get back on my weight loss kick.  It had been almost two years that I was focusing so intently on my weight.  And I dont know what happened that I got off track but I did.  Despite the shame and embarassment and unhappiness I have not been able to get it together.  Maybe I got tired of the everyday struggle.  Regardless of the excuses I can come up with I knew it was only a matter or time before I had enough.  It was only a matter of time before my priorities straightened out.  And its odd how sometimes as much as I know whats right I just cant get back on track until something clicks. 

I am so glad it did. 

Last night I put the girls to bed and sat down for some TV.  I was watching the show "HEAVY". Ever see it?  Its on Netflix.   I watched a few episodes and then at the end of one a large-ish man who had lost a ton of weight but was still bigger honored himself by running as many minutes as pounds that he had lost.  180 minutes he ran.  Thats three hours!  It sparked something in me.  I cant explain it.  It inspired me and reminded me how 4 short months ago I ran a half marathon.  And it made me want to run another. I had an excitement in me I havent felt in a while. 

I know I will have to start back at square one.  I am not concerned about that.  But what I AM really concerned about is that my left knee has really been hurting me.  I am hoping its just my body being angry at all the extra weight and lack of activity.  I have some sort of unspecified arthritis condition and I am hoping that running will only help my knee.  It never bothered me until the past month or so.  I am hoping I didnt injure it when I was lifting weights doing Body for Life. 

So fingers crossed. I would be so sad if I couldnt train for another half.  And the thought of going to the dr and jumping through their ridiculous hoops if it is an injury is not something I look forward to. 

As for my eating...  I have decided that tonight after I put the girls to bed I am going to go through my old blog posts and remind myself of what works well for me.  I have been so confused and overwhelmed with how to eat.  Lots of water, more protein, etc.  I think I will combine the plans I have done over the years and create one that is tailored for me. 

For those of you who have been following for a long time and are familiar with my journey, I would love to be "reminded" of things that you think worked and any opinions you might have. 

Thank you!!!

Get a grip

I just cannot seem to get a grip.  I have undone so much of my hard work which makes it that much harder to get back on track.  I am so disappointed in myself and that doesnt help either!   I have been very honest throughout this entire journey and that isnt going to change.  I know that I will get back into my groove.  I keep trying and somehow fail day after day.  And its such a reminder of the old Jen.  Then I feel even worse that I am headed back the direction and cant seem to get a grip!!!! 

I talked with the hubs today who has not been off track.  He has been been stayed on track despite my train wreck.  I told him maybe I dont need the pressure of being on one specific plan.  Maybe I just need to eat well and exercise.  That sounds so simple right?  Right...until I get cravings and hungry.  Thats the point where all heck breaks loose with me.  When I was doing body for life it was the first time ever in life that I didnt have cravings.  If I had hunger it was a growling belly yet no irresistible cravings.  And for me thats just what cravings are for me.  Irresistible. 

Soooo.....

Knowing this, and knowing me maybe the best thing is to pick back up on Body for Life.  I really enjoyed the weight lifting and I was starting to see some results in my muscles.  But maybe instead of signing myself up for the intensity of being on plan 100%, I can use it more as a guide instead of as a rigid plan.  I can still have a free day or maybe even two some weeks.  But the rest of the time I can eat the things that fend off the cravings and hunger because that seems to be where my issue lies. 

Does anyone have any thoughts? 

Oh, and although I havent stepped on the scale I am certain that I back up over the 200 lb mark....which is like 40 lbs more than lowest and 30 lbs less than my highest.  This is not a happy place for my body.  Its angry actually.  Heartburn, sluggish, grumpy, low self esteem...all the things I swore I wold never go back to! I walked past a mirror the other day and couldnt believe what I saw.  I remember saying this very same thing after losing the weight!!

But even so, I do know for sure that I will get back down to where I want to be. Or at least close.  Because it felt too good.  Its mind over matter.  I just need to get into the right place to make that change.

It ain't pretty...

Sometimes the truth ain't pretty.  This is one of those times.  I have been off my Body for Life plan since my free day on Christmas Day.  Its now weeks later and I still cant pull myself together.  There is hunger.  There are cravings.  And there is a scale.  A very truth telling scale.  I am at 196 lbs.  That was is way too close to 200 for comfort for me.  I lived  way over 200 lbs for years.  I dont want to go back.  I can see the chubbiness back in my face.  I can feel the tiredness.  I feel the despair and disappointment.  I feel the shame and embarassment.

So....

Why the heck cant I pull it together?  When I was doing Body for Life rigidly I had no cravings.  No hunger other than occasion hunger growls reminding me to eat.  The weight loss was slow.  But it was working.  I get one fully free day a week to eat whatever it is I please.  So what is my issue?   There is no excuse.  Blah Blah Blah.  Get back to it Jen.  It felt good.  So do it.  Period.

I have still been doing the weight workouts but not on the schedule the plan requires.  And oddly I have the itch to run outside.  It has been oddly warm here in New York state so far this season.  And by warm I mean 40* is awesome! There has been minimal snow which is unheard of where I live.  I am so excited to have the itch to run.  Although I am fully aware that it isnt going to be pretty when I get this heavier than usual body out there to do it.

I have also been thinking about another half marathon.  I know I want to do the one next fall which is the same one I did last year.  But I want to do another one sooner.  So I am looking into that as well.  And obviously it is on my mind heavily because I even dreamed about it last night.  I dreamed that I was running the half effortlessly and realized at the end that I had finished in an amazing time.  For some reason 17 minutes keeping coming to mind.  Obviously I cant run a half marathon in 17 minutes.  But.................................  maybe I can run it in 2 hours and 17 minutes?  Sounds like a good goal to me!  My last one was at 2 hours and 38 minutes.  The odd part of my dream was that much like other half marathon dreams I have had, I had stuff with me that I needed to get rid of so I could run.  In other dreams it was my purse that I left with the cafeteria ladies.  In this dream it was my coat (which did not resemble any coat I own by the way) that I tucked under a podium.  Yup, THE podium that was being used at the awards ceremony after this half marathon I just ran.  I was able to get it.  But odd, right?

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I have a gift card to Kohls that I got for Christmas that I really want to use!  But I wont until my weight is back down into the 170's at least.

Today I am thankful for:
*the plan that the hubs and I just made to get back on track.  My meals are planned out for the day tomorrow.  Whoo hoo! One step at a time.  One meal at at time.  One choice at a time.

Day 14 Body for Life & pregnancy comments

Yesterday we went to look at a few houses.  We are most likely going to sell our house and get another maybe with a little more land.  So anyway, we go and look at this one house yesterday and there was an elderly lady there.  Apparently the great aunt of the owner.  No one was supposed to be home according to the realtor.  She was apparently expecting us though.  So we view the house rather quickly because who wants to look at a house with someone staring at you while you do it, right?  We go downstairs and are looking around and I hear her ask my girls(who are downstairs with me and she was still upstairs) "are you having a little brother or sister?".  Ummmm........what?  Luckily I am pretty close with my realtor.  We both give each other a look like, huh?  I yelled up to her "neither" and proceeded to look downstairs at the other rooms. 

Oddly, I wasnt insulted at all.  I dont think I look pregnant.  I am 180 something pounds and I had a coat on and a scarf on the outside of my coat.  I like my coat.  I feel pretty confident that I dont look preggo. She had made a few other comments that were odd while we were there.  Then we were getting ready to go and she was saying how she plans to live there forever or something like that.  Ummmm....this house is FOR SALE with a sign saying so on the lawn.  Does she come with the house??  Anyway, the house was nice but not for us.  It was all so odd.

Today is day 14 of the Body for Life challenge and I am still in awe of how I am not having cravings.  Today we went to the mall and I sat in the food court and watched everyone else eat.  It didnt dawn on me until much later that I wasnt even tempted for anything.  I dont know what is going on with this body of mine but I like it!

Today was a cardio day.  I was super tired last night and went to bed around 8:00.  I woke up several times in the night with an awful headache.  It was still there this morning so I decided to hold off on my cardio until later.  They recommend it be the first thing you do in the morning but I just couldnt.  I dreaded it all day.  But I did it and I was so pleased with how far I have come.  My progress was evident to me tonight.  I had to increase my speed on the treadmill to reach my appropriate levels of intensity. 

Tomorrow starts week 3 of Body for life.  It is weigh day and a recheck on my body fat % and BMI. Fingers crossed.  I have put in the hard work.
Today's reason for losing weight:
*so that when I walk past a mirror the first thing I see is NOT the roll of fat above my jeans.

Today I am thankful for:
*that Christmas Eve or Christmas day fall on a *free* day.  I will choose which day as the weekend gets closer.

Day 12-Body for Life

Yesterday was free day.  THE free day I have been waiting for all week.  I woke up yesterday with a mixture of excitement and fear.  What should I eat?  Is it really okay to be eat freely today?  I reminded myself its part of the plan and what will make me successful.  So I had a few pieces of a donut. The hubs and I had made the plan to go to Denny's on free day.  So we went there for lunch.  I ordered a grilled ham and cheese sandwich which tasted of oil.  It was so oily that I couldnt even enjoy the taste of the fat...hehe.  So I picked at it and then traded with the hubs.  Where I then picked at his meal and returned what was left.  And although I picked at both meals I am sure it was more calories than I had eaten in any given day on plan.

We went to a friends for the rest of the day.  We picked up some snacks and such.  I had some of this and that and enjoyed it.  Overall, for free day I think I did pretty well.  I indulged on things I wanted and even had some wine.  We woke up this morning and got back on track.  There was never any doubt.  And I love that.

Today was a cardio day.  I hate cardio days.  Ironic that I joyfully ran a half marathon and trained for it for months.  Yet, these 20 minutes of cardio are so intense that I dread them.  It wasnt until almost 7:00 pm that I put the procrastinator in me aside and jumped on the treadmill.  I am excited that the cardio sessions do seem to be getting a little easier.  What does that mean?  I am making progress...and...its time to increase the intensity :(

Today we went out to lunch with my inlaws.  I ordered the salad just the way I needed it...grilled chicken without the blue cheese and bacon, and with extra egg.  Oh, and dressing on the side.  This salad was so good I was sad to see it end. But overall I felt proud that I had made such a healthy choice and that I loved it so much.  I will definitely order it again(and probably scrape the plate clean again too  :). 

Today's reason for losing weight:
*to have energy!

Today I am thankful for:
*I have found some meals that I really love that are on plan and very healthy.  I  have even discovered how to enjoy some foods I didnt used to care for.  I will share them in a later post.

Some tidbits about Body for Life-day 10

I realized that maybe my last post about only losing 3.5 the first week may have come across snobbish.  And that is so far from who I am so I just wanted to take a second to explain.  I  have been doing this weight loss *thing* for years.  About 15 years now.  Its only been the last few years I have been successful.  Anyway, when I start some sort of weight loss program, whether its WW, Medifast, counting calories, etc, I am used to a typical pattern.  The first week I tend to lose big, like 7-10 lbs.  Then after that things slow way down.  So I guess I expected the same with my Body for Life challenge.

I worked super hard last week.  Six days of exercise and a total change in my eating habits.  So I was hoping, and expecting, a bigger number as I have had in the past.  But this isnt the Biggest Loser.  This is real life.  In the grand scheme of things I think 3.5 lbs is awesome.  I think part of my frustration is that I am up 30 lbs and having to redo my hard work to relose this weight is annoying.  Its no ones fault but my own.  

And lets talk about the hubs for a second.  He is following the same plan with a little variation as he doesnt eat veggies :(   Anyway, he was down 8 lbs last week which added to my disappointment about my 3.5 lbs.  But, the pity party is over now.

I  have had some huge changes in the past 10 days.  I thought I would share.  Some amazing things (to me) about the Body for Life plan:

1)  I am having very few cravings, if any at all.  The book said it would happen but I guess I didnt believe it.  When/if my tummy growls at me it is a much different feeling than it used to be.  It is now more of a "okay, time to eat" instead of a "ahhh, what kind of yummy fattening sweet or fried food can I eat to please this growling tummy?".  I eat for nutrition, not because I am super excited about it like I used to be.  That is a huge change for me.  I usually love food!!!

2)  I have learned that I love my weight workouts.  Having a structured plan is right up my alley. I love the burn I feel when my muscles are working.   On the flip side, I have also learned already to dread my cardio sessions.  Which is odd because they are only 20 minutes.  I ran a half marathon in October.  Over two hours of running.  And I dread 20 minutes of cardio 3 times a week??  Thats because Body for Life  gives you an insity schedule to follow.  The plan really pushes the intensity factor.  Pretty much their theory is that is that they are only asking you to do 20 minutes so please do your absolute best.  Makes sense, as dreadful as it is.

3) I am learning that I might have an allergy or sensitivity to either wheat or the Omega 3 vitamins I am taking.  At age 32 I am apparently getting a bunch of allergies or sensitivies, including my cats that I have had for over 10 years.  Odd right?

4)  Free day.  Ahhhhh free day.  Although there has been only one so far I have learned that this is my saving grace on this plan.  Knowing that I have a free day makes me do my best on the other 6 days.  It takes the deprived feeling away.  If I want something I know I can have it on free day.  And I love that free day is totally allowed and a part of the plan!  Tomorrow is free day!

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I tried some pants on my closet that dont fit.  And my friend Laura gave me some other size 12's.  Same thing.  I cant wait to see them fit eventually!

Today I am thankful for:
*free day tomorrow!

Day 9 Body for Life and Week 1 results

My week one results are okay, but I would have liked to have done better. But hey, I am glad I lost. I am just used to week one losses being larger.  Plus its that time of the month for me and I feel so huge and bloated. I drank a ton of water yesterday and it didn’t seem like much came out... so I am hoping I am just retaining and next week will be better.

I have also realized that I have been eating too much.  My portions are bigger than they are supposed to be I think.  This plan is not cut and dry as far as serving size.  A protein serving is the size of your open palm, width of a deck of cards.  Um, does this include just your palm or fingers too?  These are things a girl who loves food needs to know!  Carbohydrate servings are the size of your closed fist.  But some info I found said 1 cup for liquid but most serving sizes are 1/2 cup so I dont know. This week I am going with a little less and I will see what happens.

Starting weight: 190.6  

Today’s weight: 187.2

Loss: 3.4 lbs

Starting body fat %- 38.6%

Today’s- 38.2%

Loss: .4%

Starting BMI: 32.6

Todays BMI: 32.2

Loss: .4

The hubs and I did upper body last night.  I pushed myself.  It felt great.  I love working out with the hubs.  Even though we are doing our own thing its so nice to have him there.

Today's reason for losing weight:

*being able to walk into a store and pick something off the rack and know it will fit.

Today I am thankful for:

*most of my gift wrapping is done.

Day 7 of 84-Week one complete

Again, another day of sweet comments on yesterdays post.  I just love you guys! 

Today is day 7 of 84 for my Body for Life challenge.  My weight training and aerobic exercise has been spot on.  I have followed the daily training guide and completed all the exercises I chose for myself.  I always have to wonder if I can push more though.  And now that the wonders of week one are done, I will try to push my body harder next week.

As for eating, I think the same thing as with my weight training.  I ate six meals every day but I am thinking that my portion sizes might be too large.  Tomorrow is weigh in day so I guess I will find out sooner than later!  To my surprise I havent had many cravings this past week.  My husband said the same.  And, for both of us that is odd.  We love yummy sugary foods.  I was hungry a few times and added some cheese here and there with my meals.  But overall my appetite seems to be in check as the week progressed.  So next week I will focus more on portion sizes.  I also could have been better about my veggies.  Some spinach on a turkey wrap is probably not enough. 

I tried some new things this week.  Brown rice being one of them.  It was kinda boring.   Blah...  I am sure used to fries or something full of carbs but little protein.  I have learned a lot this week about protein and carbs and how they should be paired together when eating.  I am shocked by how few temptations I have had, for just about anything.  If there is something I want then thats fine.  I know that I can have it on "free day" come Saturday. 

Free day has got me thinking.  If I am going to have free day (and surely make the most of it) then I owe it to myself to make the very best effort to eat the proper portion sizes all the rest of the week.  I am telling you that knowing that I have that free day is my saving grace.   Its a day of no limits and just knowing that it will roll around again makes me more successful the days that I have restrictions.  Does that make sense?  And the more people I talk to, and the more I read about the program, people tell me to really allow myself that free day.  Like to the fullest.  Without guilt.  And the more I thought about it, the more it made sense.  Its the treat for my super hard work for the other six days.  That free day is what will keep me on plan the other six days, and hopefully make me successful.  I wish I had made more of free day this past Saturday.  This Saturday I already have a mental list of what things I want to eat.  The hubs too apparently.  I was telling him that I wanted something on free day and he said he wants wheat thins on his day.  Apparently he has a mental list too :)  These foods on my mental list arent things I am craving but just things that I want to treat myself to.  I also heard that free day is what tricks your body from being bored and keeps your metabolism from slowing.  Even better.

Weigh day is tomorrow.  I will also check my body fat % and BMI weekly.  Fingers crossed.  Tomorrow starts a new week.  1/12 of the challenge complete.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*so my boobs will get smaller.  Even the hubs hopes so...  They are rather obnoxious.

Today I am thankful for:
*that I am choosing to make improvents in my efforts instead of giving up.

Day 6 of 84-Body for Life

I only had three comments on yesterdays post but those comments were the kindest, most meaningful comments.  I think it goes unsaid most of the time just how much the support of others plays in our success.  So I want to really express my gratitude to those of you who follow and also to those who comment.  Its like when a stranger is kind to you, or someone smiles or says hello as they pass by.  Its little things like these that make a persons day.  I always try to go out of my way and be kind when I can.  Sometimes I sign my hubby up for kindness too, although, he's not always as thrilled as I am...hehe.  The other day I was at Kohl's which is quite a coupony kind of store.  Who doesnt love to save 20% right?  The lady in front of me was older and writing her check out.  The cashier asked if she had any coupons and then seemed shocked when the lady said she didnt.  Well, me being the frequent Kohls shopper I am knew that she could use mine and then I would get it right back.  So I handed it to the cashier and told her to use mine.  The lady was so taken back and clearly touched that I had done this.  She turned to me and said  "Merry Christmas to you" in the most stunned yet kind way.   If something that little made her day then I was happy to help.  I love random acts of kindness, both doing and being on the receiving end :)

That was a bit of a ramble.  But hey.  Thats me.  Today was a lower body weight day.  I love weight lifting more than I thought I ever would.  Maybe its because there is a plan to follow and the confusion is taken out of it.  Maybe its because I can feel the muscles working and just knowing I am on my way to success.  Maybe its the quality time with the hubs.  Although the kids were less than cooperative today.  Whatever the reason, I like it and havent even seen any results yet.  Hopefully the results will make it even better!  Tomorrow is cardio.  Its only 20 minutes but the idea is to make it as intense as possible.  I dread it for some reason.  I shouldnt because that is what is going to burn the fat off my body.

While we were working out today I wondered if the dumbbells were the proper weights for me.  I wondered if other women doing the program started with more or less. Its still a learning lesson.  But what isnt right?

Today I convinced the hubs that he needed before pics taken as well.  He was unsure about it at first but I made it clear that our pics are for him and I only.  I take this very seriously and before pics are no joking (or bribing...hehe) matter.  He must have sensed my seriousness because before I knew it he was asking what he should wear.   I am so happy to be on this journey with him...even though is has literally HALF the body fat % as me...

For those of you who asked about the body fat % thingy.  I totally recommend that you get one.  I got mine brand new on ebay for $30.  Its so exciting to be able to measure success in another way besides the scale.  The hubs has been doing it daily and has already lost body fat.  I am not going to do it very often.   I havent decided yet what my personal protocol will be for both weighing on the scale and the handheld body fat % thingy. 

Today's reason for losing weight:
*I cant wait to go shopping and be excited about it again!

Today I am thankful for:
*this blog and the support it provides.  I have "met" such nice people.

Day 5 of 84

I decided after much thought that I was going to take before and after pics for my Body for Life 12 week challenge.  I know lots of people say they dont have the guts to do it.  And I am surprised I was brave enough to do it myself.  And actually, I was even more brave because I had the hubs take them.  After putting 30 of my 65 lost lbs back on, I knew I wouldnt be happy with them.  But the book highly suggests taking these photos. 

But after looking at the transformation of others on the Body for Life website, I found myself going back to look at my pics to see what they actually look like.  Does that sound stupid?  There is nothing more real than seeing a picture of yourself I guess.  And having once been 230-240 pounds, then losing 65, then gaining 30 of that back...I have quite a confused and unsure self perception of my body.  I must have gone back and looked at the before pics we took 4 times because I just cant grasp how I "compare" to the other women who took before pics on their Body for Life journey. 

After a few trips back to the camera, here is what I came up with(it took all day to come up with this....):   There is much room for improvement.  Afterall, I am 38.6% body fat :(   My midsection is a wreck.  I have had 4 abdominal surgeries over the years.  It isnt pretty.  There is definate cellulite on my legs and my back pictures have more rolls than the Pillsbury dough boy.  Yet I noticed I am smiling in all of the pics.  Funny right?   Despite how much I am able to pick the pictures(myself) apart, there is still a little bit of pride.  Because even though I am up 30 lbs from my lowest weight, I am still down 40ish from my highest.  And I have to proud of myself for that.  And while I dont have physical pictures of me in a bra and underwear at that weight, I know it was much worse than it is now. 

I hope to make enough progress that I can get over the embarassment and share the before pictures, along with afters, on here one day.  Its things like that that inspire me.  And if I can inspire others then all the better.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*to be able to look at my before pics several weeks from now and see that I have come so far!  I really hope I can see a big enough difference to keep me motivated! 

Today I am thankful for:
*my husband who keeps telling me how proud of me he is to see my determination.  I am also thankful for his efforts to be on the plan himself.  I never thought it would be something he would be interested in and did not pressure him into doing it.  He made the choice on his own, and its great to see his determination too!

38.6% body fat :(

Today my legs are still sore but nothing like I was yesterday.  Whoo hoo!  I can actually sit and stand up from sitting without grunting or holding on to something.  I worked upper body yesterday and I am little sore today but nothing like my lower body was. 

I was out of clothes options today and was forced to wear my size 12 jeans(really I should be in at least a 16 right now).  They are snug but not as bad as they were recently.  I am so excited to see where this program will take me.  I have such hope and faith!  Before bed last night I sat down with the computer and did some more research on the Body for Life program.  While there are some negative comments as there will be for any given thing in life, I kept my focus on the positive comments to maintain my excitement and enthusiasm about the program. 

Today is my "free" eating day.  I have chosen Saturdays for free days.  I have had this breakfast sandwich from Burger King on my mind for a week now.  So I figured I may as well indulge (as recommended) and have it.  I made a little mommy daughter time out of it and brought the girls out to breakfast as a treat.  We dont do it often.  It was nice to be with them, but much to my surprise I was not as hungry as I thought I was, and it wasnt nearly as yummy as I thought it would be.  I am still super excited about this.  They said it would happen but I didnt believe it.  Maybe my body is adjusting to my new clean eating style.  Which, by the way, my tummy is quite happy with :)   Thats a big deal for someone with a less than kind digestive system.

The girls had a bowling party to go to today.  I was so excited that none of the snacks were calling my name.  I had a few bites of pizza and a cake pop (they are very little) and there is no interest in eating anything else right now.  I am really enjoying this satisfied feeling in my tummy.

 I ordered this fat analyzer thingy and it came in the mail yesterday.  Its a very accurate way to measure your percentage of body fat.  And I really wanted to be able to measure by something other than the scale.

  I took it out immediately and checked my stats.  Ugh.  Disgusted. 

38.6% body fat (should be 25-31% for women to be in the acceptable category...lower to be considered fit)  I am in the OBESE category.  Ummm....38.6 is like almost half.  So half of my body is made up of fat.  Nice...  ugh.

32.6 BMI. (should be less than 25)

I am glad to have this tool to be able to measure my progress.  The hubs came in from work and I immediately handed it to him to do his stats.  19%.  Men....   (his should be between 15-25%)

Along with this tool I also had the hubs take before pictures on day one of Body for Life.  I had on just my bra and underwear.  Boy.....if that dont tell the hard truth.  If I wasnt so embarassed I would have it printed out at walmart and hang it on the fridge.  But I dont dare...  Maybe WHEN my results are so awesome I will do it and maybe even share.  I hope that comes!!!  For now it will sit on my camera.

Day 3: Super Sore

Today is day 3 of the Body for Life challenge I am choosing to do.  I have found the first two days that I am hungry mid afternoon.  I need to figure out a plan to combat that hungery.  I am hoping that my appetite will adjust as I go.  As for the first two days the best thing I could think to do  was have an extra protein meal.  It has been working, but I really want to follow the program to a T.  But its only day 3. We will see how it pans out with time.  I wont eat the extra meal unless necessary.  And by necessary I mean that its either that or blow the whole thing and eat whatever is in sight.

I was sore yesterday and it got worse as the day went on.  Today I woke up and I am even more sore.  Like a lot.  I am hobbling around and its quite a sight.  Now I know why they give you 4 days recovery time before reworking the same muscles.  Today its upper body. 

I ordered one of those body fat measuring things that they have at the gym.  You hold it in your hands and it measures your body fat and such.  I hope it comes today.  Heres what it looks like.

Today's reason for losing weight:
*to wear jeans and feel good in them.

Today I am thankful for:
*to actually understand this program I am doing.

Day 2 of Body for Life

I have committed to the Body for Life 12 week challenge.  Its no surprise to me that I do well on a structured program.  I did well on Medifast a few years back.  And I maintained a lot of my loss.   I trained for that half marathon.  I believe I was capable of that because there was a structured schedule to follow which led me to success. 

Body for Life excites me.  It makes sense.  It seems to combine what everyone has been attempting to tell me about nutrition and exercise over the years, yet its structured and laid out in a way I understand(something I never thought possible).  Six meals a day with a regimented exercise program is good.  And a free day once a week. 

Yesterday the hubs and I did lower body.  I am feeling the results more and more as the day goes on today.  I love knowing my work paid off!  We did all the exercises with dumbbells and a stability ball.  Today was 20 minutes of cardio.  Even cardio is laid out in a  20 minute routine explaining where your intensity should peak, regardless of what exercise you choose.  Today I did a very inclined walk on the treadmill.  I was sweating something fierce.  The point is to make your short 20 minutes count.  Tomorrow will be upper body. 

Right now its all still new.  I am learning what weights and exercises work for me, and which foods I like best.  For breakfast, I had some egg whites with a piece of turkey bacon on a whole wheat bagel thin...with a tiny bit of cheese.  For mid morning snack I had a half a cup of cottage cheese mixed with a fat free yogurt.  Much to my surprise I love this combo.  For lunch, a whole wheat wrap with grilled chicken and spinach, and just a tad of light dressing to spice it up.  And lots of water every day.  About a gallon.  I dont have a problem drinking that much.

So here I am on day 2 of 84.  I am  1/42 of the way done :)   But truly I expect to come out of this a changed person with changed habits.  I have read the book cover to cover and done my share of independent  research.   It takes a lot for me not to skeptical.  I expect the beginning is supposed to be the hardest part.  Its something new.  The results dont show for a while.  It can be hard to stay motivated.  Yet, I am still excited. 

Today's reason for losing weight:
*Although I have never gotten to my actual goal weight, I have had a taste of being pleased with my results (in the past).  I cant wait to walk around with that feeling again.

Today I am thankful for:
*my excitement and confidence that this Body for Life plan is going to change my life.  Dramatic?  Maybe a little, but hey...its who I am.