Day 6 on track

I hit my highest weight ever, yet I just could find the motivation to do anything about it.  That is something I never understand.  I have battled my weight for a good 15 years now.  I have gotten to where I want to be a few years ago.  I was there.  I had the taste.  I loved how it felt.  Yet, somehow I let myself get back to the old me.  Only heavier.  The embarrassment, shame, disgust and self consciousness are all back.  And it feels awful.  I just couldn't get ahold of it. 

Over the years I have done lots of "diets", eating plans, exercise routines, etc.  And after 15 plus years and lots of failures and a few successes along the way I have learned a lot.  FINALLY I am seeing the big picture.  I used to hear the word "moderation" and instantly think "blah blah blah". I have always dieted.  I FINALLY am realizing that dieting doesn't work.  Period.  I need something I can do for life.  Something I can live with every single day. 

I really like the Lose It app on my phone.  Its very easy.  I can scan foods and foods are easy to search for.  It tells me how many calories to eat for my current weight, how many I have eaten, how many more I can eat, and takes into consideration my activity.  LOVE IT.  I have combined this with my knowledge that protein keeps me full and keeps the hungry beast away,  and that less sugar means fewer cravings.  All those years and I am finally realizing that success is not a start of a diet and an end of one.  Its a lifestyle change.

I was put to the test yesterday.  I am 6 days into tracking my foods.  We had a gathering yesterday with all the work ladies and our kids.  We are all off for most of the summer so it was great to see them.  Little did I know that when I got there they would have an early birthday party planned for me.  Cake, gifts, the whole nine yards.  CAKE.  In the past I would've thought...."oh no...cake.  I will eat it and scratch the rest of the day and get back on track tomorrow".  And then it wouldn't happen.  Instead, I ate the cake, added it to my log on my app and ate accordingly the rest of the day.  At the end of the day I was under goal with calories and felt pretty darn satisfied, and accomplished!  The cake was good and I enjoyed it...guilt free too!  Depriving myself on certain diets never works for me.  It just adds to my yoyo weight history.  I see that now.

I am not gonna lie though...its been a struggle to exercise.  I am not there yet.  But I know me, and once the scale starts moving just from eating well I will definitely include the exercise portion of getting healthy.  I know I need to and I will.  The motivation will come.  I cannot believe how hard it is to exercise at this weight.  Ugh.  My body is angry at 240 lbs. 

I am going to spend some time catching up on some blogs.  Hope you are all well!

Jennifer

I think I got it!!! Its working!!!

I am happy to say that I am feeling on track.  I would get on track, then fall off, then I would get back on...only to fall off again. It was so frustrating and demeaning.   I was hungry.  Exercise seemed to feel soooo hard compared to when I was fit.  Something just had to give.  I knew I couldnt keep going at this rate or I would just continue to get bigger.  But being so hungry and dreading exercise made it very difficult to get through a day successfully. 

So after talking with my cousin who is becoming a personal trainer, she suggested that I eat more. Of course I was excited yet skeptical.  She calculated the amount of calories that I would have to eat to sustain my weight and it was a huge number...like well over 2000 calories a day. Had I really been eating that many?  Yup, no doubt :(  So anything less than that would allow me lose.  How fast I lose is up to me(within healthy limits of course).  The bigger the deficit the more I lose, the less of a deficit the less I lose.  Basic concept of calories in/calories out.

So my new plan...is to allow myself 1800 calories a day. It feels so doable and sustainable in REAL LIFE.   I was so used to cutting down dramatically to get the weight off.  But with that comes hunger.  1000-1200 calories a day is just not for me.  I like food.  I dont like to feel deprived.  So this higher calorie allowance combined with eating more protein to to stave off hunger seems to be working for me.  I am tracking it all and I will do another post on how I am doing this soon.  But, its working for me!  My daughters birthday was this week.  I ate cake.  I had dinner/lunch out twice this week.  I ordered and didnt feel deprived.  Who knew a few hundred extra calories could make such a difference for me.   The last I checked the scale it said 233.  That was last week.  I will get on again sometime this week.  I am extremely confident which is a great feeling!

Sometimes I eat all 1800 calories, but most times I dont.  But just knowing I can is just what I need. If I eat them all I will lose.  If I dont...I will still lose.  Yaaaaay!    So often gaining and losing weight becomes mind games.  And those of us who are obese know that the mind games often win and therefore its hard to lose the weight and or/keep it off.  So knowing I can eat these calories eliminates a lot of those mind games.  If I know I am going to have a special event (my daughters bday or a work lunch) I just prepare and calculate the extra (cake )calories into my day.  Period. Not so bad when it doesnt take up half of your calories for the day right? 

*Today I am thankful for:  the response I have gotten after my "comeback".  I wasnt sure if I would get "shamed" when coming back after gaining the weight.  Instead, I was welcomed and even praised by so many of you for doing so.  Its great to know I am not alone in this journey.

*Today's reason for losing weight: Running a half mile at this weight is awful.  I cannot wait to get back to running a mile or more with less effort and with much more enjoyment!  Its great to have been there though and to know it IS possible.

~Jennifer

Each choice makes up the big picture

I have been struggling with making myself believe that every choice matters.  Every time I choose to eat, or to exercise(or not to)...every single time counts towards the big picture.  However, I am so far from my goal right now and I am so much further behind the starting line than I have ever been.  Its hard to accept the fact that I have to redo all of my hard work(plus more!), and that I let myself get back here.  But the fact is that every single choice that I make DOES matter.  Every choice I made got me back to obesity.  Every trip to McDonalds, every double portion, etc.  The best way I can think to convince myself is that my health and weight is like a puzzle.  And to get where I want to be, healthy and fit, I need to keep adding pieces to the puzzle until it becomes complete.  The reality is that my puzzle is like a million pieces.  I sure do wish it were an easy 25 piece puzzle.  Hehe. 

I have started to run again(sorta). I run some till I just cant anymore, walk some, run some more, etc. I started a few weeks ago, and then I stopped for a few weeks. I lost the tiny bit of stamina that I had gained back.  So now I am back at it again.  I have to remember to take the advice that I have given so many times right here on my blog when I was "a runner".  So many people have asked me how they could get into running and how it could possibly be enjoyable.  And what I have said over and over is that starting to run is not easy.  It becomes eaiser with time.  At first, that "I cant breathe and need to stop before I die" feeling is awful.  Then your heart and lungs get into shape and before you know it you are running a mile...effortlessly.  And once you are capable of running a mile then anything after that is totally doable.  The second tip to enjoying running is to pace yourself.  If you start out too fast you tire quickly and you have less endurance.  Thats not to say you cant push yourself to increase your stamina here and there.  So...there I have it.  My own advice that I have given to lots of people.  I have been going back to this advice a lot lately.

I keep asking myself why it seems so much harder to get running than I remember.  My conclusion:  I am 240 lbs(I think...I have not gotten on the scale recently).  When I first started running I think I was well under 200 lbs.  That extra weight surely makes a difference.  My body is pretty angry at this weight.  And asking it RUN at this weight seems crazy.  My daughter weighs over 40 lbs and the thought of running with her attached to me is crazy,  And thats pretty much what I am doing...running with a ton more wieght on me than I ever had.  But I am trying my best regardless of how frustrating it is.  I have to keep telling myself "It has to be this hard for it to get easier".

IT HAS TO BE THIS HARD FOR IT TO GET EASIER

IT HAS TO BE THIS HARD FOR IT TO GET EASIER

I am back to using my Lose It app and making good choices.  On the advice of my cousin the personal trainer I am allowing myself more calories and I will cut them as lose weight. 

*Today's reason for losing weight:  Although there is still much snow on the ground here, warm weather and then summer is going to sneak up out of nowhere.  I hate to be fat especially in the summer! 

*Today I am thankful for:  Sugar free popsicles. 

Good food Bad food vs moderation

One thing I can say is that I have done lots of diets.  I have tried so many different eating plans(south beach, medifast, atkins, Weight watchers, etc)out of sheer desperation to get this weight off.  Some were more doable than others, some "worked" better than others, but in the long run I realize I havent really found what works for me.

But I am getting there. 

Regardless of the diet programs I have been on, it has always been good foods(okay to eat) and bad foods(no no foods).  There are foods that were okay to eat on each particular diet, and foods that werent okay.  I have learned that this has left me utterly confused!!!  I am working so hard to learn moderation.  I have some tough habits to break.  One thing I am trying to overcome is if I eat something that feels "forbidden", to try to make it NOT feel forbidden.  I want to allow myself things that I want and then to move on with the rest of my day eating healthy.  Just because I eat one thing that is sweet or yummy doesnt mean the whole rest of the day has to be a loss.

MODERATION. 

How many times have I heard this word.  TONS.  Yet it never really sunk in.

I AM HUMAN.  If I deny myself all the things I love all the time then that is not sustainable for me. It plays into the diet mentality which is not permanent.  If I eat something yummy and higher in calories and fat, its okay!  I am human. I can eat well *MOST* of the time and still enjoy an indulgence here and there.  This is moderation. 

MODERATION- the middle comfort zone between a restrictive diet (I have tried them all!) and overeating indulgent foods all day every day.

MODERATION- no starting an stopping.  Example:  "when I am done with this diet I can have cookies and cake".  There is no end because its not a diet!   Doesnt that sound amazing?

I have never been in this so called sweet spot and I feel myself moving towards it.  I just might be onto something here....  fingers crossed.

Will it ever feel natural?

Today I made a good choice.  I know to some it may sound simple but its a pretty big deal for me.  There is no doubt I love fast food.  I wish I didnt.  I havent had it in a while.  The closest I came was when we were out and stopped at McDonalds for the kids to play and have dinner on our 4 hour drive home through what seemed to be a blizzard.  I chose the grilled chicken salad with southwest dressing.  I was highly satisfied and so was my belly.  I struggle a lot when its time to eat and we are out.  I find myself in this boat a lot.  If I am hungry I tend to lose all control of my choices. 

But not today!  My mind was racing though, I am not going to lie.  My dr appt was at 10:30. It took forever.  Then I needed to get a prescription.  I looked at my watch and it was almost 1:00.  I was hungry.  My daughter was in the back seat whining not just that she was hungry, but that she wanted to eat now.  I told her we would eat at home.  She begged to go through the drive through.  I told her we needed to get home so I could take my medicine.  Its true, but it was only eye drops and it could have waited. It wasnt a far drive home.  But I almost gave in.  I almost went to McDonalds.  Instead I came home and had some burger, a greek yogurt and a few almonds. I wasnt prepared but I still made a good choice.  And after my belly was full, I was proud.  Because it was full from the foods of my choice, not from salty, fatty, carby foods.  But I almost gave in.  So, what was different this time than every other time?  I made myself drive in the opposite direction.  But I am sure if I had driven the other way I would have stopped.  I wouldnt have been able to just drive by. I need to prepare myself for these things.  My husband took my almonds out of the car the other day.  He was trying to help I think by keeping the car clean.  But I want them in there.  They are my go to if I am hungry.  Oddly they fill me.  I need to have more go to foods kept with me.  I will have to work on that.  Because if I dont get hungry then the temptation is controllable.  Make sense? 

Boy...at one point I really thought I had this healthy thing down. But this is a never ending journey for me.  And I have to accept that because there is no other option.  Well, the other option is to be obese and unhealthy as I age.  So, really, thats not an option.   It is a ton of work and a constant battle for me to try to be healthy.  Its annoying to have to stress over every meal and everything I put in my mouth.  I want to get up and out and exercise without making myself do it.  I want being healthy to be NATURAL for me.  Will it ever be?  30 days to make a habit right?  I dont agree.  I was thin(nish) for over a year and got back to square one....or shoot...behind square one.  I struggle every single day on this journey.  Tomorrow I am going to blog about my mindset of good and bad foods and how that affects me.  I am hoping other people will be able to chime in and give some thoughts and opinions.  I will say that I am glad to be on track despite the many tantrums I am having along the way :)

Waiting to see results

I am still going at it!  My cousin is a teacher, but its quite clear that her passion lies in nutrition and being a physical trainer.  She is transitioning careers soon.  My(our) uncle passed away recently and my cousin and I were "reunited" at the services.  She is a tiny, beautiful thing, but so down to earth and easy to talk to.  I talked with her about my weight gain and my struggles with my love for food, etc.  She has so kindly offered to help me.  We may live like 5 hours apart or more, but I am so grateful.  She gives me my workouts by text and has given me some great ideas on nutrition.  I am making healthier, more natural choices which makes it much easier to track my calories(although she swears I dont need to) to keep my cravings down.  Its nothing short of amazing to me how much more control I have in my food choices when I am not eating sugary, fried, fatty foods.  I used to live off the stuff.  Its like I dont want to eat it because I dont want the cravings to come back!

As for my weight...I have no idea.   I was up to 240.  I had lost 12 lbs and had a hard time being excited about it because I am so far from where I want to be.  I was down to 160 two years ago ish and felt great.  So being down to 228 from 240 hardly seems exciting.  Its like redoing all my hard work which is so frustrating. I didnt feel or look any different after that 12 lbs.   So, I am trying something new.  I am avoiding the scale somewhat.  I want to know I am making good choices and hopefully soon feel/see the weight coming off.  I know from my experience that with my body it will most likely take 20-30 lbs before I see a difference.  Thats how I gain so easily too.  It kinda sneaks up on me.  Thats a lot of weight to gain or lose without changing clothes sizes.  I think what I will do is weigh once a month.  I will put my focus on my good choices and exercise and hope that I get the results I am looking for. 

Exercise....yes, she has me doing some short yet intense workouts.  She is a crossfit goer and knows what she is doing.  They are tough workouts.  I have had a stomach bug for a few days so I havent worked out. But before this I managed to run a mile on the dreadmill.  I have had to work up to that mile.  It wasnt pretty but I did it.  I am excited but frustrated.  I ran a half marathon...13 miles!!!!!!  a year and a half ago!!!  I want to get back there.  I wish I hadnt let myself get back to this! 

But I did.  And so I keep trucking along at least knowing I CAN get there again.  And I will.  Last night I dreamed I was training (effortlessly bu the way) for the half marathon.  It was a reminder how running didnt used to be the struggle it is right now.  I cant wait to enjoy it again!

4 year olds dont have filters

This was my second week of limiting my sugar intake along with adding exercise.  The scale obviously didnt get that memo because it said I gained a pound.  But its okay.  Last week I lost 12 pounds in one week!  I have not necessarily been tracking any calories because my appetite and cravings have been well under control.  So I assumed the lack of hunger and eating lots of salads and proteins that I was on the right track.  And I probably am, even without a weight loss.  I know that exercising is good for my body and that the food I am putting in is nutritious.  So I will keep plugging along and keep trying to make good choices.  I really dont want to be tied to some plan like I always seem to be.

*Today I am thankful for:  having a part time job with flexibility

*Today's reason for losing weight:  the other day I was grocery shopping with my 4 year old.  She was between me and the cart and grabs my belly and said "this is getting big mommy".  Yup, true story....

The buffet

I have done well eating all week...almost effortlessly.  My appetite seems under control, and I don't seem to have many cravings.  I exercised last week on the treadmill doing various intensities, each session lasting 30 minutes.  My parents were in town this weekend which is always great.  I love when they come.  My dad has been doing a lot of work on my new house, along with hubs.  So the hubs wanted to treat them and took us all out to dinner.  A buffet.  And I was TOTALLY fine with it.  I ate well and not many things tempted me.  Usually a buffet is a gorging event for me.  So many choices, in unlimited quantities!  A fat girl's dream!   After my main meal, I decided to allow myself some dessert.  I had worked hard for almost two weeks of cutting sugars out and eating only healthy carbs.  It was an amazing experience.  I enjoyed it.  I limited myself.  I FELT IN CONTROL of my eating.  I ate dessert in moderation and left the restaurant ( a buffet mind you) without feeling totally stuffed, yet satisfied.  This little success may seem minuscule to some but is very important to me.  

I have had a bit of sadness in my life lately.  I just lost my aunt to cancer right before Christmas.  I have several other relatives who are sick(hospice involved) and/or not doing well.  It is taking a toll on me, and especially on my mother who is watching her close loved ones die.  My mom is my rock.  Its hard to see her sad and upset.  So I decided its a good time to bring back the "Today I am thankful for...." section to my blog.  Readers always seemed to enjoy it and remembering at least one positive that happened is a great frame of mind to get myself into..  And along with that I will also bring back "Today's reason for losing weight..." to my blog. 

*Today I am thankful for:  my husband.  He is a great team player in this marriage.  Most of the things around the house are shared chores.  There aren't many "man chores" or "woman chores" in our house.  He cooks sometimes.  I paint sometimes.  Sometimes he does laundry, sometimes I take out the trash.  He may be superdad while I stack wood.  When the kids were small he changed diapers, washed bottles, etc.  He does laundry, but is also quite the handyman.  Really, he just steps in and we get things done. He's a big manly guy at 6'3" yet a warm fuzzy when I need him to be.  Here I am talking about him and he doesn't even read my blog to know about it!

*Today's reason for losing weight:  Apparently the girls at work are doing weigh ins every Monday at work.  None of them are big in my opinion, yet they all seem to think they are.  I can relate to that because when I was 160 (my lowest weight) I still wasnt happy with how I looked (are we ever??) I heard them say they are all within 5 lbs of one another.  I am guessing I am at least 80 lb more than them.  Now THAT makes me look at my size and weight quite differently. I felt like an outcast fat girl again :(  I will say that I work with very sweet ladies and there is no negative feelings among any of us.  My feelings of being an outcast are clearly my disgust with myself. 

Jennifer

Smell and taste

I can smell and taste a little bit more as the day goes on, so hopefully that means I am on the mend!  Everyone loses their taste at some point when they have a cold or sinus infection for a bit.  But this is the first time I didnt have taste or smell for almost 3 days.  It made me more conscious of my eating habits.  I have said how I havent had many cravings and that my appetite has been under control since I have tried to cut sugars out and eat more complex carbs.  And it was the same these past few days.  So what is very enlightening to me is that I found myself very disappointed when I couldnt taste.  I wanted to be able to taste and enjoy my food, and I was ticked off when I couldnt.  I guess I really do love food.  There were a few times I found myself wandering around aimlessly looking for something to eat even though I wasnt hungry or craving anything.  I had to remind myself that I wouldnt be able to taste anything anyway, but it was again a realization that I DO eat when I am not hungry or craving anything.  There was no smell that made me hungry.  I was looking for food because I am used to it being something that makes me feel good, or just to eat out of boredom.  Interesting.

Jennifer

Week one-still going

Hello All.  Just a quick post today :).  One week in and I am down 12 lbs.  I am rather shocked by that, although I am sure it is mostly water weight.  I continue to limit my sugar intake, and I am taking in mainly carbs that are complex(some fruit, wheat bread, yogurt, etc).  And as I posted the other day, the most *miraculous* thing so far is that my appetite and cravings seem under control.  I am not calorie counting, or following any specific diet.  I am just listening to my body and trying to be more active.  I eat when my body says its hungry, but yet not ravenous to eat junk like usual.  Its a totally different kind of hungry.  I have used the treadmill a few times for 30 minutes and have done mostly walking with an alternating running(not jogging).  I know this one minute segment of running is what is helping my lungs and body to build endurance.  I feel like I am going at this pretty slow and taking this as another learning lesson.

I am currently reading a book about food addicts.  I will give more info about it when I get further into it.  But so far, it makes an awful lot of sense and makes me look at this journey differently.  I think I am battling a sinus infection and cant seem to taste or smell anything today, or yesterday.  I do feel better than yesterday, but if tomorrow isn't a ton better it may be a trip the the Dr for some antibiotics. 

Hope all is well. I will check in again soon.

Jennifer

Sugar and feeling in control

It feels great to be "back"!!  Its no secret I have experimented with several different diets and methods to lose weight.  I have no regrets along the way because essentially I have learned what works and what doesn't work.  And that is so important in this journey!

One of the plans that I did was Body for Life.  It focuses on certain exercises paired with an eating plan.  I bought the book and that was about it.  There was nothing else to buy. And I didn't even need to buy the book because its all readily available online, for free even :).   The plan focuses on eating properly, and gives a pretty specific list of foods that can be eaten.  It teaches what complex carbs are and how they should be paired with a protein.  You do the plan for 6 days and get one free day.  Its a rather restrictive eating plan, however, the main thing that I learned from this plan was that it really controlled my appetite.  This is the only plan of the many, many plans that I have tried that was able to control the beast( aka: my appetite) and almost totally took my cravings away.  I know that my appetite and cravings are my main issues in this journey.  When I would get hungry on this plan, it wasn't a craving or starvation feel.  It was a simple belly growl reminding me to eat.  But there were no cravings for sweet sugary things like I am used to.  Great right?!  So where did I go wrong?  The free day.  You get a free day and I learned that once my body got sugars, and simple carbs, it was very hard to get back on track.  It take a few days of eating their way to get rid of the cravings again.

This is one of the most important things I have learned in this journey.  When they are out of my system I don't crave them!  Even if they are right in front of me!!  Now THAT is nothing short of AMAZING!  So, I am not calorie counting, and although I am not following this diet per say, I am taking what I learned and using it in my every day life.  Feeling in control of my eating is huge for me.  I am cutting out most simple carb sugars, eating complex carbs, and exercising. 

It feels great!  It feels great not to be on any specific plan and yet still be eating well.  This might be a first, and hopefully a way of life. It feels great to be in control of my appetite and cravings. 

What is healthy?

When I signed into blogger I noticed I had one less follower then when I posted the other day.  I usually don't pay much attention to the number but notice it now when I log in.  But I am not bothered, which is odd because I tend to be a sensitive person.  The way I see it is that this is my journey.  It may not be inspiring to people when I am coming back after putting ALL my weight back on...plus some.  I am not running half marathons and losing weight regularly yet.  I am not posting about my accomplishments or how great things are going (yet).  But this is my reality right now.  My struggle.  My journey. And I accept it...because otherwise I play the denial game and would continue to get bigger and bigger.  Of course I want to be inspiring to others through this blog.  But....Life isn't always easy, and its not REAL if I only post about the good things.  I am not perfect.  Life isn't always perfect.  There are bumps in the road, and obstacles that stand in our way.  Some are bigger than others.  Its what we do when we get to those bumps and obstacles that matter.

Speaking of perfect, I have been thinking about what my actual goal is(again...sigh).  I was down to 160 lbs at one point a while back,  and that was still considered overweight for my height and frame.  Yet for me, I do believe I was happy at that weight.  I felt good.  My body felt good.  I wore a size 10(even with the Fupa).  When I ran my half marathon I weighed about 180 lbs.  Again, I felt good.  My weight a bit higher, but there is no doubt I was somewhat fit.  I ran for 13.1 miles straight!  I am still in awe of that.   At any rate, I know lots of people who ARE at their ideal weight, yet they don't exercise an ounce, or they smoke, or eat like garbage, drink lots, etc.  And sometimes I am jealous that they don't have to think about exercise, or every single thing they put in their mouth and how it will affect their weight and pants size.   But I have learned that its one thing to look healthy and its another thing to BE healthy.  I learned the other day when I tried to run at 240 pounds, that I WAS healthy back then.  I see now that it took great endurance, stamina, and strength to run that half marathon. I WAS healthy, even if I was still overweight according to some chart.

One of my greatest accomplishments was that half marathon in October 2011.  And before that, it was my first 5K, and then my first 10K.  These experiences changed my life.  They showed me what I am capable of if I just put my mind to it. They showed me that I can be fit and wear cute clothes.  They showed me I can be confident and proud of myself.  Now that I am back at square one(or maybe even behind that).  I cant even run a half of a mile without stopping and being so uncomfortably out of breath, I realize and appreciate just how fit I was.  This is a HUGE lesson learned for me.  Putting the weight back on stinks, and having to redo all my hard work to get it back off stinks, but figuring things out in my head and learning from them is priceless.

On that note, I have felt in control of my eating and plan to incorporate some exercise very soon.  I am in the right mindset, finally.

Jennifer

Remember me?

Where to begin.  Its was June that I last posted.  At that point I had managed to get myself back up to 200 lbs.  I am so embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I have put even more weight on.  Actually, I do believe I am at an all time high weight for myself.  I have a ton of excuses but really when it all comes down to it, they are just excuses.  I weighed 240 lbs this morning on the scale.  I remember being so upset when I was training for my half marathon and  my weight jumped to 180 lbs.  What I would do to get back down to that weight!  I guess its all relative.

My body is angry.  My joints ache to the point where its painful to walk.  I have knots in my neck and shoulders again.  My back hurts. I have headaches again, and my heartburn is awful.  But worse than all of this is the disgust I have with myself.  The embarrassment I feel and the fear or who I will run into when I go out is a feeling I hadnt missed.  It is back.  I am ashamed.  What will people think, or say, when they see all this weight I have put on?  I have lost my confidence.  I definitely had some setbacks that made it difficult to exercise for a while.  I had two foot/toe injuries back to back.  But that set me back a month total probably.  And we bought a new house and moved over the summer.  I started my new job.  Yada Yada....these are all excuses I have made for myself.  So what...things got busy. Everyone gets busy.  Really what happened is that I lost control of me.  I stopped taking care of me. 

Its time to get it back. I deserve it.  My family and friends deserve a better me too.  When I am happier with me, I am a better wife and mother.  I am a better daughter and friend. 

And I think there is no better place to start than here.  I am going to head back to the start of my blog and begin reading.  I want to remember the good things, and the bad.  I want to remember what works for me, and what doesnt.  I want to remember the feelings I was having and how I stayed motivated all that time.  I want the happy me back again.  I have become miserable. Cranky. Its such a cycle. I gained weight. I got cranky. I made the cranky go away by eating. And as I was making the cranky go away for a few minutes as I ate, it only made for more cranky as the numbers crept up and up on the scale.  Its such a cycle.  And I am mad that I thought I had beat it.  It just goes to show this is a battle I will have to fight every day of my life.

Tomorrow I have a hair appointment.  I am getting it chopped.  I am going to have the brows done and hopefully at the end of the day, I will feel like a new me on a new road to my success.  I definitely took some wrong turns in this journey but hey, as mad as it makes me, I am accepting it and moving on from this point.  Otherwise, I continue to spiral downward.  I have done this before, and I will do it again.  I have the benefit of knowing how it felt to cross the finish line at the half marathon.  I know how it felt when I wore a size 10.  I know how it felt when I was not embarrassed to meet new people, or bump into old friends.  I know how it felt to be confident and content and how it spilled into all the other parts of my life.  Some people never get that chance.  I have been there.  And I want to be back there. 

 I have been there.  I want to be back there.  Here I come.

Jennifer

I am back

Its been a while.  Its not a surprise that when people disappear from Blogger that there is often a reason.   And although I have sworn there is no wagon to fall off of because this has been a lifestyle change, I was wrong.  I totally fell off the wagon.  I lost my grip and my control over my eating.

I was offered a part time job doing something that I really like! It works well around my husbands crazy schedule which is so important because we do not have family where we live.  Ahhh....where we live.  We sold our house.  The closing and moving day was supposed to be Friday.  Except apparently the lawyers (of all people) are not respecting the date on the contract.  So we are in a holding pattern with no actual date to move.  So we sit staring at our boxes and living off what is not yet packed.

I have been thinking about some things.  My girls are 4 and 5 and have tantrums like I am sure every little kid does.  Maybe it just seems worse because there are two and they play off each other.  We dont give into the tantrums yet they still happen. We are now using a technique I have read about in a book that seems to be working well.  My point is that the things they tantrum over are usually material things.  It dawned on me that we need to simplify our lives.  They dont need 15 pairs of shoes each.  I believe choices for children are essential but can also be limited.  With much of our stuff packed and fewer choices, there are fewer tantrums.  Amazing right?  Also,  I do not want to raise spoiled children.  I want to teach my children to be appreciative.  Parenting is always a work in progress.  I am loving it.

As for my weight.  I have lost the grip I had.  I have spun out of control.  I am right back up over 200 lbs where I started.  The difference is that I know that I can get back down to where I want to be because I have been there once.  I have started running again.  It was like starting from scratch and extremely frustrating.  I ran a half marathon in October and couldnt run a mile when I started running again!  I had to remind myself of all the advice that I have given to others over the past few years.  Starting is the hardest part and it does get better!  Once I trained to complete a mile it got better.  I feel strong and happy when I complete a run.  Although my body is unhappy running with all this extra weight.  When I see pictures of myself I am disgusted again, yet reminded that there was a time when I was proud of the weight I had lost and could see the accomplishment in the pictures.  I am disgusted when I put a bathing suit on, but also remember that a year ago I was much more comfortable and less embarassed.

I want to get back there.  However, there is an ounce of positivity here.  At this weight a few years ago before I became fit, I would have been in a size 20/22.  I am currently in a 16 even though I am at the same weight.  So its obvious that there are lasting changes and that not all of my hard work has been undone.  My FUPA feels and looks huge again.  But I find peace in knowing that I can reduce the size with hard work.  I hadnt realized just how much smaller it had gotten when I was fit.  I am clearly reminded now that it is back and huge.

This has been a struggle.  There are ups and downs.  I am in a down.  I love food.  And I need to re-love exercise again.

I hope you all are doing well.  I will spend some time trying to catch up on all of the goings on!  Please feel free to leave me an update.  I would love to hear!  Also, on a side note....I unfortunately had to add word verification onto my blog again because I was getting 20+ spam comments a day.  It was just too much.

Jennifer

My ultimate reward...

I knew that choosing a reward to get me to goal is a must for me.  And I knew this reward would have to be something that would really push me.  I have gotten down to 160 in the past and that is as low as I could get my body to go.  So...after much thought I decided that when I get into the 150's, even if it is 159, I am going to get a.......

TUMMY TUCK!

Think what you will, judge if you must, but my FUPA is quite big and  literally hangs off the front of my body.  My zipper of my jeans cuts into it daily leaving a vertical line making it look like a butt.  And actually there is not much feeling to some of it and its always cold.  It makes me uncomfortable, and self conscious every single day.  If I dont wear a bathing suit with a skirt my fupa literally sits on my legs and leaves tan marks :(  This may be too much info for some, but its the truth.

I have done some reasearch about the surgery and have seen some before and after pics.  It was actually comforting to see that others have this "condition" and that the after results are good.  I dont ever plan to wear a bikini.  Thats not my goal.  But if I can get rid of the self consciousness then I am all for it.  I know it wont be cheap, or painless.  But I have been on this journey for a long time and I really need something to push towards.  My thinking is if we have taken loans out for a boat, work on the house, etc, then I am worth taking a loan out for too...  But I have to work hard to get to that point!!

WW week one results

I am down 4.2 lbs after my first week of WW.  I used my weekly allowance points and I will continue to do so for now.  It allows me to feel less deprived. Yesterday my girls made whoopie pies.  I allowed myself to have one and tracked it.  I still find myself surprised by how much food I was eating a day.  Something that was like 10 points I would have two or three of in a sitting and that is all the points I get a day!  I have also learned to use fruit as a filler and to try to stay ahead of my hunger.  Once I get hungry I seem to lose control.

I have not been exercising much because I am trying to let my knee and foot rest.  Yup, my foot now too.  I have no idea what is going on so I figured it was best to not put stress on it for now.  The weather will be getting nice soon (I hope) and I want to be able to get out and run.  So I am trying to rest up and get some weight off so its less stress on my knee and foot. 4.2 lbs is a start!

I have been doing some thinking about my end goal.  What do I want it to be?  And I have also decided that when I reach that goal I am going to give myself a reward.  I will wait until another post to share it but its a biiiiiig reward that really has me excited to get to my goal!!!

So glad so many people can relate

It was so heartwarming for me to read the responses on my last post.  I was surprised that so many people can relate.  I was really feeling like maybe something was wrong with me.  But it was great to realize that there are other people out there with the same struggles as me and that I am not alone.  And while I still dont really understand *why* I love food so much I know I am not alone. 

I treated Saturday like a free day and surely used up my extra 49 allowance points..  But they, thats what they are for. For me its about not feeling deprived and WW even says that is so important to achieve success.  And I know I should have counted every single thing I ate that day but I didnt.  But it was back to tracking today and it felt good.

Yesterday the sweets were calling to me.  I tried drinking more water so my belly would get full but I swear those chocolate cookies on the counter were calling me and the cheesecake in the fridge was too.  At home I try not to keep too many temptations in the house but we were at a friends house and they do not struggle with overweightness.  And again I was wondering why I am so different.    How come they can have those things in the house and be thin and I cant?  Not sure why this has been bothering me so much over the past few weeks.

Our house is for sale and we had a showing yesterday.  Do you have ANY idea what it is like to get your house ready to show?  Well maybe for some people its no big deal(and trust me I have seen some houses where people just dont care) but for me it means spotlessness.  Everything has to have a home.  I swear my house looked like it should have been on HGTV.  We dont have a house to move into yet so I am a little indifferent to selling right now.  There is so much crap out there that is overpriced.  It makes us second guess moving since we remodeled our house to make it what we want it to be.  Supposedly the people liked it but need to sell their house first.  Same story here.  But there is nothing out there that we love right now.  We want acreage(like lots), a house with enough living space,reasonable taxes (which seems impossible in this state), privacy, yet convenience to what we need and not too far from our friends.  We love our current house but dont have the acreage or as much privacy as we would like.

I have been praying about making the right decision.  I was hoping this past showing would lead us in the right direction.  I know its not quite the season for buying/selling.  So for now we will just keep on praying.

This was hard for me to write

I am still in awe of how much food I have been eating for the past several months.  It really has me thinking and questioning myself.  If what/how I am eating on WW is considered "normal" then why do I always want more of everything?   Why do I always think about food?

Growing up we rarely ate out.  My mom worked full time yet still always had a healthy homecooked meal on the table each night.  It wasnt until I was in high school that I started eating fast food but only here and there(I worked at a mall).  Then in college there was so much freedom and I ate the crappiest food.  I remember seeing all these skinny girls working out and eating salad all the time yet they were the big partiers too.  I remember going to the dining hall and getting grilled cheese and dessert and then going to the school store where I could use my meal card to buy anything in there including cookies, chips, sweets, etc.  But even then I wasnt that overweight.

But somewhere along the line I learned to really love food.  Especially fast food.   And to this day I still love it.  I could eat McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell, or Wendys at any given time.  I am always hungry for something from these places.  Even when we would go to a nice dinner it is so tempting for me to order the greasiest, fattiest things. 

Why?

Why do some people not love food like I do?  I  have friend who go all day and dont think of eating until their stomach says its time.  Why do I get excited when its time to eat and always look forward to the next meal?  When we get an invite somewhere I wonder what kind of food they will have.  I have always thought that I didnt have an unhealthy relationship with food and that I just like it.  But now I am wondering if I was wrong.  Everyday is a battle for me when it comes to food choices.  Is it a mental thing that I have it set in my head that those things are yummy?  Its not like I binge eat, but I do recognize that I have a embarrassingly large appetite and make unhealthy food choices because they seem to taste best to me.  I dont feel like I eat to make myself feel better, I just LOVE food. It tastes yummy.   Some people love scrapbooking, or baseball, or jewelry...I love eating.  I just wish I loved eating carrots and lettuce instead of big fat juicy hamburgers and high calorie sweets.

For some reason this post was embarrassing for me to write.  Maybe its the possibility that something is wrong with me instead of me just passing it off as I like to eat.  Or maybe because I am realizing that it more a struggle for me than I thought.

Trusting my own advice

Yesterday I decided to join WW.  I joined online in the morning at a starting weight of 202.  Its so disappointing to be up over 200 again.  I chose WW because I really do think it will teach me portion control and how to manage everyday eating.  I decided I no longer want to do this plan or that plan that I know arent sustainable for life.  And after just day one I realized just how much food I didnt eat compared to every other day when I am going solo.  I swear I must have been eating at least 4x the amount of food throughout the day, every day.  Hopefully my appetite will shrink over time.   For a person who really loves food its a daily struggle to eat healthy and in proper portions.  I love the WW app on my phone.  It will take some time to get used to it but with time it will get easier I think.

Yesterday I got on the dreadmill and did a preset workout for 30 minutes.  There was no running at all.  Just walking between 2.5 and 3.5 mph at various inclines.  I was surprised how much it took out of me.  I even had to stop a few times to catch my breath.  This is mortifying for me.  And then today I decided to take the dog out for a walk/run.  Even though I usually have a rule that it must be at least 40* out I decided to go even though it was only 34*...burrrrr.   I made it a half a mile when the snow started falling and kept getting steadier.  Again, huge disappointment with how much stamina and endurance I have lost in just 4 months.  But I am super excited to know that it will come back soon with all of my efforts!

And then it hit me.  I remembered why people (including myself at one time) hate running.  They see it as this awful thing.  And they are right.  If you arent conditioned, or are just starting out, it can feel pretty grueling.  But what most people dont know is that it gets sooooooo much easier and even enjoyable!  It made me remember that I have given this advice over and over again when approached about how to become a runner:  1)you will be shocked how fast your endurance builds  2) training to get through the first mile seems to be the hardest 3)soon it will be a thoughtless enjoyment of "me time" to think or to listen to some awesome tunes. 

So now its time to take my advice and trust myself.  So many people have come to me asking how they could become a runner too.  And I was always so excited to give my thoughts because I truly stand behind them.  Todays run wasnt easy but I did get out there and do it, and its all part of the process.  As much I want to, I cannot expect my body to go out and run the way it used to with an added 40 lbs and being de-conditioned by my laziness over the past several months.

Every choice does matter.  Each one is part of the bigger picture.  Each choice is like a piece of the puzzle that will be a success when its all put together.  Its up to me how quick I put it together.

Things I miss

I was about this close to reordering Medifast food yesterday.  But before I processed my order I went through my old Medifast posts from when I first started the blog.  The first week was a huge loss of 10 lbs and every week after that I lost like 1.5 lbs average.  It just seems like a lot of money and a drastic way of eating to lose a lb a week and not be able to exercise.  My weight loss slowedand sometimes even stopped with exercise when I did that plan. 

I miss being proud of my weight loss when I look in a mirror.  I miss wearing a size 12.  I miss feeling good.  I am pretty sore these days. My body is not happy at this weight.  I miss feeling good about myself.  I miss feeling less self conscious.  I cant even imagine getting in a bathing suit right now to get on our boat we bought last year.  I miss shopping for cute clothes. 

The only thing stopping me from all the things I miss is ME. 

My husband keeps telling me to exercise. The last thing I feel like doing with my sore bodyis exercising.  Be he is right.  And I need to get over this confusion of what to eat, especially when I dont know the calories of something like a complex meal that I cant just look up online. 

So I whipped out my WW stuff and will use that as a guideline.  I think it will help.  WW runs pretty much along the same lines as calorie counting except I get free fruit :) 

I feel like I am grasping at so many options over the past weeks.  But I really need to help myself out here. I am so unhappy at this weight.  Only I can fix it.  The warm weather is coming and I need to have a plan in place NOW so when its boat time I am not refusing to wear a bathing suit.  Also, all of my warm weather clothes are size 12.  I will having nothing to wear if I dont do something now! 

I need to get some things at the store!

A bit disappointed

A week of watching what I am eating and the scale hardly budged.  That is odd for me.  Having been a yoyo dieter for so long, I expected the dramatic drop in calories to produce a pretty hefty weight loss the first week.  I am not sure what happened that it didnt.  I havent been exercising much because my knee is sore.  But I am going to have to find something that does irritate my knee.  And actually, when I ran last week that didnt seem to bother it.  So I may do one of the preset workouts on the treadmill until it gets warmer out.  Those preset workouts always seem to make me sweat!  I am not going to give up.  I dont like how my body feels or how it looks right now.  And its amazing how much it affects my self esteem.  Even though I may not have lost much last week I felt better about myself for trying.

The warmer weather will be getting here soon.  I dont want to feel as self conscious as I do now.  I want to fit in my size 12's that are in the tote under the bed waiting for me.  So I better get to it!!!  I guess its time to listen to the hubs who is forever telling me that exercise is the key. 

Doing what works for me

Over the years I have taken many routes in the diet department in an attempt to lose weight and get healthy.  I have done Medifast, Weight Watchers, counted calories, Body for Life, South Beach, Atkins...etc.  I am sure there are more but those were the biggies.  I have learned a lot along the way, and I have pulled the things out of each plan that have worked for me. 

Medifast taught me to eat 5-6 smaller meals a day. It also taught me to make sure I am taking in enough carbs if I am going to attempt cardio exercise or else I will feel sick.

Weight watchers taught me portion sizes and pretty much runs along the same lines as calorie counting.  It has also taught me to journal my food so nothing is forgotten.  I am always shocked at how much more I eat when not "counting".

Calorie Counting never ceases to amaze me.  The calories add up soooo fast and it becomes quite clear why I struggle with my weight. 

Body for Life taught me a lot.  First, I finally understand the difference between simple and complex carbs.  I also learned that protein keeps the hunger away and that removing simple carbs (sugary foods) totally keeps my cravings away. This was a huge discovery for me.  It changed my whole feeling of hunger.  Hungry and craving something is much different than my tummy growling to remind me to eat. Is that what people who dont love food like I do feel?  Body for Life also promotes one "free" day a week which helped keep me on track the rest of the week.  It also promotes a lot of intense weight lifting to get good results.

Atkins and South Beach were not for me.  I need something that is more of a lifestyle change.  Although I did learn a lot about which foods have carbs and which dont.


SOOOOOOO.....

I came up with a plan that I think will work well for me.

I am tracking my food daily. 
I drink tons of water like I always do.
I eat 5-6 meals a day to prevent hunger.
I have increased the protein in my diet to prevent hunger.
I aim for 1200 calories a day and give myself one free day a week-in moderation.
I attempt to stay away from sugary foods(simple carbs)  to prevent and avoid cravings***key for me!!!
When the knee feels good I will run and lift weights as I enjoy both.
Reminding myself that EVERY CHOICE MAKES A DIFFERENCE. 

I am impressed at how educated I have become over the years.  And I can finally say that I dont feel like a failure at any of these plans, although I am not at my goal weight.  I really learned a lot and took the useful stuff out of each of them.  Like I said before, learning how to keep cravings and hunger away is key for me.

I would love to hear your thoughts!

How is it possible...

How is it possible that just four months ago I ran a half of a marathon and I felt better than I did after my one mile run today?  And can I even call it a run?  I had to STOP....twice ....during the run.  I didnt expect to have to stop at all during a "simple mile".  It was far from simple.  My body has lost so much since I stopped running and put on weight.  I do have a slight cold (my very sweet husband tried his best to convince me that this was part of the problem), but that its  just an excuse. Its just a stuffy nose.   My lungs hurt, like actually hurt.  I was out of breath, panting like I had been running uphill for miles or something.  How could I have let my body get this way?  

But........I am so glad that I remembered how it was when I first started running about two years ago.  It was this same feeling.  I couldnt run for very long.  There was little enjoyment.  But as time went on my body became conditioned and running became much easier and even fun!  I would rarely get out of breath and learned to pace myself.  My body became firmer. I never imagined my body would be conditioned to run miles and miles.  And, because I KNOW my body is capable of this and that running WILL become easier I will stick through it during this beginning and tough stage.  I feel so blessed to have the benfit of knowing this. 

The reason for my run today:

Although I had planned to run with my friend this morning, she was not feeling well and was not able to.  So, I admit that I was going to ditch the idea of running today.  Instead I went shopping with another friend...which proved the be the best thing I could have done today apparently.  I tried on a ton of things.  All the coats were too small.  Even the XL's.  There were so many cute coats I missed out on that once would have fit.  And then there was the dressing room.  Have my mirrors at home been telling me lies everyday?  In the dressing room any ounce of denial I had(and clearly there must have been some) has completely disappeared.  Every flaw I have was very evident in that mirror.  I tried on a pair of 14 jeans that didnt even make it up to my hip.  It felt like I was trying to squeeze into a size 2.  My stomach rolls made every shirt look unappealing,  my arms the biggest I have seen them, and my boobs looked sloppy.  Lets not forget the FUPA...it was there and my zipper was unattractively pressing tightly into the middle of it making it look like I had a left fupa and a right one.   And then came the bathing suits.  Shoot.. may as well add to the REALITY of what my body REALLY looks like, right?  I decided then I would run as soon as I got home.

Talk about a wake-up call.  It was harsh.  But it put me right where I need to be.  What I eat DOES matter and lack of exercise DOES make a difference.  I did this to myself.  There are no excuses and no one else to blame.  But again, I am blessed to know that my body can get down to a more pleasurable size with hard work and determination.  If I didnt know it was possible it would be harder to have the motivation.  I never thought I would be back at this spot again.  But the reality is that I am.  Every choice does matter.

Perfect timing

We all know that getting back on track can be quite a struggle.  So the fact that I have a cold and a lack of appetite and cravings is perfect timing!  Although, I do hope that I am feeling better tomorrow as I have a simple one mile run planned.  I expect that just one mile will be a struggle for me.  But its okay.  Its better to plan for struggles right?  Its tough to swallow the fact that I was running 13 miles 4 short months ago and that one mile will probably whoop me tomorrow!  But at the same time I am excited to get the ball rolling again.  My fingers are crossed that my knee will not be an issue.

I got on the scale this morning.  Its only day two of my recommitment but I wanted to have an accurate starting place.  It was bitter sweet.  Mostly bitter, but a tad sweet...hehe.  199.5.  So while I am up almost 40 lbs from my lowest weight of 160 (bitter) I did not see the 200's again (sweet).  I am ashamed that I am at this place.  I never thought in a million years I would go back. But at least I am not alllllllllllllllll the way back to where I started. 

Its super annoying and frustrating to have to lose pounds that I have already lost once, no doubt.  And at first it seemed so overwhelming.  But then some more positive thinking snuck up on..  Even though my pants are snug and some of the smaller 14's dont fit, I realized that I dont have to lose all 40 lbs instantly to get back into them.  I was wearing them just a few short weeks ago.  So its exciting to be able to set mini goals for myself that seem quite attainable.  Does that make sense.   If I look at the big number of RE-losing 40 lbs its much more frustrating than taking baby steps.  Instead I am going to choose to enjoy my successes along the way.  I will do my best to share them!

There are so many negative things that come along with this weight gain.  I wanted to lay it all out there so hopefully I can look back one day and realize that these things are gone!  Sometimes we overlook the progress we are making and I want to make sure I enjoy the successes that will come along the way (again). Here are a few of the negative things associated with my weight gain:

*Loss of self esteem
*Shame and embarrassment
*Not enjoying shopping for clothes
*Heartburn/reflux
*Sluggishness
*Irritability
*Dreading getting dressed everyday bc not much fits
*Feeling uncomfortable in my own skin
*Achey joints
*Lack of motivation
*Bras are too tight.
*Stomach tire above my jeans is back
*Constant wonder if/where people see the weight gain

I am sure there are more but thats what I came up with. 

I was quite taken back by all the welcome backs on my post yesterday.  Thank you so much.  I guess I forgot what an awesome support system and community this is!

Back again

Yes, I am still here.   And no, it hasnt been pretty.  But kind of like cleaning, I was waiting and hoping for that *feeling* to come over me to get back on my weight loss kick.  It had been almost two years that I was focusing so intently on my weight.  And I dont know what happened that I got off track but I did.  Despite the shame and embarassment and unhappiness I have not been able to get it together.  Maybe I got tired of the everyday struggle.  Regardless of the excuses I can come up with I knew it was only a matter or time before I had enough.  It was only a matter of time before my priorities straightened out.  And its odd how sometimes as much as I know whats right I just cant get back on track until something clicks. 

I am so glad it did. 

Last night I put the girls to bed and sat down for some TV.  I was watching the show "HEAVY". Ever see it?  Its on Netflix.   I watched a few episodes and then at the end of one a large-ish man who had lost a ton of weight but was still bigger honored himself by running as many minutes as pounds that he had lost.  180 minutes he ran.  Thats three hours!  It sparked something in me.  I cant explain it.  It inspired me and reminded me how 4 short months ago I ran a half marathon.  And it made me want to run another. I had an excitement in me I havent felt in a while. 

I know I will have to start back at square one.  I am not concerned about that.  But what I AM really concerned about is that my left knee has really been hurting me.  I am hoping its just my body being angry at all the extra weight and lack of activity.  I have some sort of unspecified arthritis condition and I am hoping that running will only help my knee.  It never bothered me until the past month or so.  I am hoping I didnt injure it when I was lifting weights doing Body for Life. 

So fingers crossed. I would be so sad if I couldnt train for another half.  And the thought of going to the dr and jumping through their ridiculous hoops if it is an injury is not something I look forward to. 

As for my eating...  I have decided that tonight after I put the girls to bed I am going to go through my old blog posts and remind myself of what works well for me.  I have been so confused and overwhelmed with how to eat.  Lots of water, more protein, etc.  I think I will combine the plans I have done over the years and create one that is tailored for me. 

For those of you who have been following for a long time and are familiar with my journey, I would love to be "reminded" of things that you think worked and any opinions you might have. 

Thank you!!!