Sunday, June 13, 2010

Mixed feelings (Jennifer)

I really have some mixed emotions about my weight loss.  I am down 57 lbs from my highest weight.  On one hand I am totally excited and proud of myself.  I am proud that I am HELPING myself and that I have taken back control of me(although I am not sure where it ever went to!!).  I think that is where a lot of my postive feelings come from.  I am going to the gym, accompllishing and experiencing things I never thought I could.  And there are lots of "little perks" that I am enjoying with the weight loss such as fitting in the car better, no heartburn/reflux, the clothes sizes are going down, I am less tired and cranky, and when I look in the mirror I am able to see improvements in myself. 

HOWEVER...on the other hand I think I still have somewhat of a "big girl" mentality.  It hit me that normal people weigh in the 160's like I am weighing now.  Yet, I do not see myself as normal yet.  I still see myself as fat...sometimes.  When I sit I still feel like there is tire around my waist.  But is there?  I wonder if when I am walking down the aisle at the grocery store if people see me as obese?  And while I have gotten smaller, sometimes I think I am just a smaller version of the bigger girl I was.  Does this make sense?  . I still see the same rolls and imperfections but just on a smaller body.  Today I noticed while sitting down that the width of me is much less (if you were looking from left to right).  And this is something I am proud of.  But do I look healthy to a random person on the street?  Because my mentality seems to be confused!  You hear a lot of overweight people say this after they lose weight.  And it takes time for it to click.  And I think that I am in the clicking stage.  When we went to Wildwood last week I asked my husband to take some pics of me so that I could actually see me.  Not that I dont look in the mirror every day but sometimes pics and video give us a different perspective.  And that is what got this ball rolling :)   The other thing that got me thinking is that my mom told me I dont have much more to lose.  I guess I have just made this weight loss battle such a big thing that I just assumed that the goal is always so far away!  But she said, "Jen, you cant possibly lose more than another 20 lbs." and then all of a sudden I had to stop and think about that.   Deeply.  What is my goal?  Twenty pounds would put me at 149 lbs.  Will I be happy with my body by then?  Is goal really that close?  So many thoughts....

On a different note...I am starting to not fit into my new clothes I bought on my shopping spree in the spring.  While that is a good thing I am a little sad too!  I love these clothes!  My 16's are getting roomy and I am pretty sure the 14's would fit great.  I do have some bigger 14's and some of them are getting too big too.  I am going to keep wearing them for a while until they look too "sloppy" to wear. 

And, today I remained on plan.  I am just not quite ready to go off yet...


Mom to the Fourth Power said...

Jennifer.. Thanks for your post on my blog about working out and running. It's nice to know that it gets easier and I feel more hopeful. I was planning on sticking with it, but you know.... seems like a big battle right now.

I can understand you viewing yourself as still a big person. Even my coach who has lost well over 100 pounds still sometimes struggles with still thinking she's a large person. I'm thinking that it'll be a process to view ourselves as a newer, more healthy person.

That is awesome that you are in 14's and 16's. Good job!!!


Sue said...

Jen, I do believe you are now in the 14's easily!! You amaize me how you look and how you have become much much more self-confident w/a positive outlook! I am so very proud of you.

Laura said...

Wow, 57 pounds! You're doing amazing!

I wish I could give you a good answer regarding having a big girl mindset and being a normal sized girl, but I don't. Although, I do on occasion feel like I'm still the big girl I was, even though I've lost a good amount, I don't know how to think like a smaller person.

Winner at a Losing Game said...

Hey Jen,

I am experiencing some of the same feelings. I still feel as obese as when I started when I look in the mirror. I see the rolls and such and now I have some hanging skin so I know I have lost the weight. It just doesn't seem real. Like only one poor meal choice will put me back where I started and I know it isn't true. We just have to keep reminding ourselves. How about posting some before and after pics so that you can get group feedback? I bet you look awesome.