I really have some mixed emotions about my weight loss. I am down 57 lbs from my highest weight. On one hand I am totally excited and proud of myself. I am proud that I am HELPING myself and that I have taken back control of me(although I am not sure where it ever went to!!). I think that is where a lot of my postive feelings come from. I am going to the gym, accompllishing and experiencing things I never thought I could. And there are lots of "little perks" that I am enjoying with the weight loss such as fitting in the car better, no heartburn/reflux, the clothes sizes are going down, I am less tired and cranky, and when I look in the mirror I am able to see improvements in myself.
HOWEVER...on the other hand I think I still have somewhat of a "big girl" mentality. It hit me that normal people weigh in the 160's like I am weighing now. Yet, I do not see myself as normal yet. I still see myself as fat...sometimes. When I sit I still feel like there is tire around my waist. But is there? I wonder if when I am walking down the aisle at the grocery store if people see me as obese? And while I have gotten smaller, sometimes I think I am just a smaller version of the bigger girl I was. Does this make sense? . I still see the same rolls and imperfections but just on a smaller body. Today I noticed while sitting down that the width of me is much less (if you were looking from left to right). And this is something I am proud of. But do I look healthy to a random person on the street? Because my mentality seems to be confused! You hear a lot of overweight people say this after they lose weight. And it takes time for it to click. And I think that I am in the clicking stage. When we went to Wildwood last week I asked my husband to take some pics of me so that I could actually see me. Not that I dont look in the mirror every day but sometimes pics and video give us a different perspective. And that is what got this ball rolling :) The other thing that got me thinking is that my mom told me I dont have much more to lose. I guess I have just made this weight loss battle such a big thing that I just assumed that the goal is always so far away! But she said, "Jen, you cant possibly lose more than another 20 lbs." and then all of a sudden I had to stop and think about that. Deeply. What is my goal? Twenty pounds would put me at 149 lbs. Will I be happy with my body by then? Is goal really that close? So many thoughts....
On a different note...I am starting to not fit into my new clothes I bought on my shopping spree in the spring. While that is a good thing I am a little sad too! I love these clothes! My 16's are getting roomy and I am pretty sure the 14's would fit great. I do have some bigger 14's and some of them are getting too big too. I am going to keep wearing them for a while until they look too "sloppy" to wear.
And, today I remained on plan. I am just not quite ready to go off yet...
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4 comments:
Jennifer.. Thanks for your post on my blog about working out and running. It's nice to know that it gets easier and I feel more hopeful. I was planning on sticking with it, but you know.... seems like a big battle right now.
I can understand you viewing yourself as still a big person. Even my coach who has lost well over 100 pounds still sometimes struggles with still thinking she's a large person. I'm thinking that it'll be a process to view ourselves as a newer, more healthy person.
That is awesome that you are in 14's and 16's. Good job!!!
~Margene
Jen, I do believe you are now in the 14's easily!! You amaize me how you look and how you have become much much more self-confident w/a positive outlook! I am so very proud of you.
Wow, 57 pounds! You're doing amazing!
I wish I could give you a good answer regarding having a big girl mindset and being a normal sized girl, but I don't. Although, I do on occasion feel like I'm still the big girl I was, even though I've lost a good amount, I don't know how to think like a smaller person.
Hey Jen,
I am experiencing some of the same feelings. I still feel as obese as when I started when I look in the mirror. I see the rolls and such and now I have some hanging skin so I know I have lost the weight. It just doesn't seem real. Like only one poor meal choice will put me back where I started and I know it isn't true. We just have to keep reminding ourselves. How about posting some before and after pics so that you can get group feedback? I bet you look awesome.
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