Thursday, April 15, 2010

Trading (Tricia)

First, thanks Jennifer for so eloquently naming my last blog as I forgot to. Secondly, I had an email in my inbox at work when I came back on Tuesday from someone in another department. Apparently, one of my friends had mentioned to her that I was doing Medifast and, come to find out, there are quite a few people in my building doing it. We were able to talk a little about it and we actually discussed the food we had and what we liked and didn't like. We were able to swap food with each other and that's great. I don't have to gulp down any more cream of tomato soup because she likes it and I don't have to worry about wasting it. I was really excited about that. And happy that there are other people that I can network with and get support from. That's huge!

Also, people were kind of shocked to see my hair when I came back to work since I cut it off and changed the color, but everyone keeps telling me how great it looks. This makes me really happy because I never thought I could pull off such a drastic change, and I am glad I did it. But it made me realize something.--I am going to quickly interject here and say that I am really sorry for the rest of this blog. As I started typing it, thoughts and feelings just came racing at me, so hope you can keep up--So, apparently, I am not very good at taking complements. When someone tells me they love my hair or they notice me losing weight, I kinda mumble a thank you and look down at the ground. I do enjoy the feed back, I mean who doesn't love a boost like that, but it makes me feel self conscious. I think its because this means that people actually notice me. Don't get me wrong, when I am in a small group of friends, I love being the center of attention, truth be told. But I am comfortable with my friends and I know that they don't see the fat they see Tricia. Well, part of Tricia. See, I think a long time ago I realized that I had to develop my personality in order to compensate for my body. I was funny and friendly and social. I would love to be the center of attention and make people laugh etc. Sadly, somewhere along the line I lost that. I became negative and with drawn. I lost my confidence and became bitter. This has now caused me to be very uncomfortable in social situations. I have become introverted and would rather sit in the corner and watch everyone have fun than actually participate. Really, I would rather not be noticed. Why? I am ashamed of myself. I really am. I am ashamed of the size I am, ashamed of the clothes I wear, and the attitude that I have developed. But this doesn't just affect me. It really impacts people around me, my husband included. It stops me from going to have a few drinks with friends at a bar or going to see my friend's band play. And if I do go with my husband, I think sometimes he feels like he is dragging me under protest. And then I just sit in the corner with a puss and watch everyone have fun. Sometimes I send my husband out by himself and I try to convince myself that its because I am independent and we don't need to do everything together. Which is true to a certain extent, but he WANTS me to go with him. He Wants me to enjoy myself and have a good time. But I would rather sit home so I won't have to deal with the crowds or the thought of people judging me. So where did I go and how do I get me back? How do I stop being a Negative Nancy and start being a super star that I once was? How do I let myself enjoy the time with friends and not think about who is around me and who is looking at me? How do I get back to living? How can I start taking a complement and feel proud of it? Deep, I know.

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

Interesting that we havent talked about any of this recently and yet we posted about almost the same feelings and thoughts today. I am so glad that you are reaching deep inside yourself and learning so much about yourself in this Medifast experience. Teresa said something that hit home a while back and I think of it everyday since she said it. On Medifast there is no where to hide. There is no comfort food to hide behind and we are exposed. Totally exposed. And it was at that point that I knew that this would be such a life changing , self learning, eye opening experience. We should embrace this opportunity.