Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Commitment issues (Tricia)

I know in my past blogs I have talked about starting to walk. And I did- at first. I walked around our building with Naomi after work. And then it got cold. And rainy. And windy. And…I just didn’t want to! So Naomi has been trying to get me into the gym after work. We are privileged enough to have a gym in our office building as a courtesy to the employees. For those of you who don’t know, I work at a small health insurance company. My employer, trying to set a good example for the community, tries to promote healthy living to its employees by not only offering the gym, but other healthy lifestyle classes and support, which is great, if I were a person who follows through on those things. However, I have commitment issues. There. I said it.
Now, I am not sure why I have this problem. Well, that’s a lie. I am lazy. Shocking, I know. I would think that it would be much harder for me to leave work, go to a gym, work out, and then go home. But no. Apparently it is hard for me to shut my computer off, walk down the stairs, and choose either to go to the left to the gym, or go to the right and go home. Which instinct do I have? To go to the right. I know this is the wrong choice. I know that I can try and justify it by telling myself that I have things to do at home or I have to run errand, etc. But really, those things can’t wait a half hour? The laundry is going to throw a tantrum if it doesn’t get put in the drier by 6? The dinner thawing in the fridge is going to run away from home? Um, no. And its not just convincing myself to turn left the first time. Its every time. I can go to the gym one day and remember how good it feels to get my heart pumping and my endorphins up ( yes, I remember, Nay). But it’s the next day, and the day after that, and the week after that. I have to have an internal fight with myself every day to make the correct choice. It really is like having the devil and the angel on my shoulders. “Turn left FATTY,” said the angel (yes, apparently I have a mean angel). “ Go home and sit on the couch,” said the devil. Hm..which should I choose? And when I can’t decide, I do more rationalizing. I can tell myself that I will go to the gym tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes and months go by until Nay pushes me back into the gym. She is like a little stalker…Tricia, did you bring your sneakers? Um, no Nay, I forgot. Tricia, are you coming down stairs at 5? Um, no Nay, I have to go home. Tricia, are you really going to come to the gym today? Yes, Nay-pout-I am coming to the gym today. I say she is a stalker jokingly because she really is a great friend and she is doing it to support me and my weight loss and I appreciate her stalking every time she does it.
To go along with my commitment issue, I also know I have a judgment issue. You know what I am talking about. The fat girl on the elliptical gets the sideways looks from the skinny people next to her. I am sure they are not thinking “Look at her, trying to improve herself. Right on sister!’” I really know they are thinking, “Ok, who let the whale in?” or “OMG, she is totally going to break that machine.” Or “ She is sweating like the pig that she is.” I hate that feeling. The feeling that I don’t belong there. Like I shouldn’t be on the swing set with the cool kids at school. That awkward feeling that makes us remember we are not like them.
I do have a point to this story: I am wondering, is it just me that doesn’t want to work out? Jennifer loves it and gets her “me” time. But what about the other over-sized people out there? What about the skinny people out there? Do the skinny people really like to work out? And if so, is it because they know they are doing something good for their body? Does it make them feel good or in control over themselves? Do they like the endorphin high and find it addicting? Is it a behavior they have always had and I didn’t learn? I want to know what the secret is. So if any of you out there are skinny exercisers, please fill me in!!
I know that this is something I have to overcome. I know that I need an ah-ha moment that caused me to start this weight-loss journey. But until I get it, I am glad I have Jennifer, Teresa, and Naomi to keep pushing me to do it. I have to make that decision at the end of the day to turn left.
So, today I am not going to say why I want to lose the weight. Instead, I am going to say what I want out of this moment. I want to say proudly that I am going to the gym. I want to not weigh my options and just do it (please insert Nike trademark here). I want to make myself feel like I belong there.


Jennifer said...

Wow...today is a deep day for us bothI guess. We were posting at the same time!
Anyway, this was a deep read for me because I probably know you better than most. And therefore, I will write some on here but you can bet your rear that it will be followed up by a phone call in about 5 minutes. I am not a skinny person and I do not like to work out, but I will give you my thoughts anyway. The actual act of exercise is not that great right now for me. However, zumba is the exception because I totally love it and it doesnt feel like "work". So there is your key number one. You have to find something that you love. That when the hour is up you are shocked it went that fast. I even asked my instructor if she would offer the class more than once a week. She cant :( Anyway...think about that. for me, it is a small group of people there and I am the fat girl and I know just what you mean about feeling like you dont belong. But you do. And in a gym setting i am sure most people are thinking "good for her". Now...in the setting of Mcdonalds eating a Big Mac I am sure people would be making all sorts of comments. Because that is what people do...sadly. But let that one oddball who may judge you do so if they feel they need to. If you dont go to the gym, and better yourself because of them then you are losing a huge battle within yourself and letting them win. And we know where that leaves us. BITTER IN LIFE. It overflows into other parts of our lives. And I know you agree. Part 2...a few minutes to myself to go for a walk/jog is great but it doesnt mean I love how i am feeling when I am jogging. I usually cant wait to get home! I am huffing and puffing and hoping I can make it. However...that feeling of accomplishment when I do make it or when I am all done is something new for me and it is addicting. It is the best feeling. And once you do it enough times you get this pride being built inside, and that too is a new and wonderful feeling to me. It is a slow growth of self esteem. And thats why I do it. With time I hope to be able to jog a few miles or so and feel great WHILE I am doing it. And each day gets better so I know I am on my way to that. Its called a "work"out for a reason. And just like work...you will be paid. Your hard work will pay off in the mirror and more importantly inside yourself. So I challenge you to get over your fears and allow yourself to get to the point where you can feel accomplished! Take control and speed up your loss. You are losing at a great loss now but exercise will only make it better and faster! It takes 30 days to make a habit they say. So exercise and you will see that after 30 days you will be happy with the results, both internal and external. Right now you dont have kids and you have a great opportunity to turn left and go to the gym. Take advantage girl! Because some day you may have to leave at 5:00 to get to the sitter by 5:15.
Take full control over you! Dont let what you think others are saying or thinking make you choose a path that is less helpful to you. You deserve this. And I dont know this Naomi but I feel so happy that she is keeping on you...like another me :) You need the motivation and i am so glad you have her. So...get your sneakers and leave them at work with a pair of sweats and a tshirt. Then it is always there and you cant have that excuse. And if you have to buy a second pair then do it!!!!! No more excuses. You can do this...get into gear and show yourself (and others) that!!!!

Tricia said...

haha, Jennfier, thank you for the novel. I love how you are so supportive..clearly my small comment on your post was not as impressive. But really, I get what you are saying...get off my fat bum, shut up, and get on the tredmill. Heard you loud and clear..

Jennifer said...

Actually...what I was trying to say was not so much to get your butt in gear as much as to let yourself get to the point where you feel great and accomplished after you workout. I spoke with my mom last night about your post and she agreed that if she saw you working out she would say "good for her!" get over your internal battle so you can see that and i bet you will be happy with the results.

Laura said...

Since you asked, I really struggle with exercising too. About a month ago, I lost 4 pounds after exercising every day for a week. Yet, knowing my success then, I still struggle with getting off the couch.

I hate to say it, but I am lazy as well. You're right about dinner being there when I get home, or whatever excuse I'll use. But I really don't like to exercise, and will use any excuse I can to get out of it.

People (those crazy ones! LOL) who say you'll feel fantastic after exercising can't be telling the truth. Because I've never felt good after exercising. I'm sweaty and sticky and I smell bad, and there's nothing "feel-good" about that.

Just know, you're not the only one out there who feels as you do; you just wrote it out way better than I ever could have.

When you figure out a solution, let me know!