Commitment issues (Tricia)

I know in my past blogs I have talked about starting to walk. And I did- at first. I walked around our building with Naomi after work. And then it got cold. And rainy. And windy. And…I just didn’t want to! So Naomi has been trying to get me into the gym after work. We are privileged enough to have a gym in our office building as a courtesy to the employees. For those of you who don’t know, I work at a small health insurance company. My employer, trying to set a good example for the community, tries to promote healthy living to its employees by not only offering the gym, but other healthy lifestyle classes and support, which is great, if I were a person who follows through on those things. However, I have commitment issues. There. I said it.
Now, I am not sure why I have this problem. Well, that’s a lie. I am lazy. Shocking, I know. I would think that it would be much harder for me to leave work, go to a gym, work out, and then go home. But no. Apparently it is hard for me to shut my computer off, walk down the stairs, and choose either to go to the left to the gym, or go to the right and go home. Which instinct do I have? To go to the right. I know this is the wrong choice. I know that I can try and justify it by telling myself that I have things to do at home or I have to run errand, etc. But really, those things can’t wait a half hour? The laundry is going to throw a tantrum if it doesn’t get put in the drier by 6? The dinner thawing in the fridge is going to run away from home? Um, no. And its not just convincing myself to turn left the first time. Its every time. I can go to the gym one day and remember how good it feels to get my heart pumping and my endorphins up ( yes, I remember, Nay). But it’s the next day, and the day after that, and the week after that. I have to have an internal fight with myself every day to make the correct choice. It really is like having the devil and the angel on my shoulders. “Turn left FATTY,” said the angel (yes, apparently I have a mean angel). “ Go home and sit on the couch,” said the devil. Hm..which should I choose? And when I can’t decide, I do more rationalizing. I can tell myself that I will go to the gym tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes and months go by until Nay pushes me back into the gym. She is like a little stalker…Tricia, did you bring your sneakers? Um, no Nay, I forgot. Tricia, are you coming down stairs at 5? Um, no Nay, I have to go home. Tricia, are you really going to come to the gym today? Yes, Nay-pout-I am coming to the gym today. I say she is a stalker jokingly because she really is a great friend and she is doing it to support me and my weight loss and I appreciate her stalking every time she does it.
To go along with my commitment issue, I also know I have a judgment issue. You know what I am talking about. The fat girl on the elliptical gets the sideways looks from the skinny people next to her. I am sure they are not thinking “Look at her, trying to improve herself. Right on sister!’” I really know they are thinking, “Ok, who let the whale in?” or “OMG, she is totally going to break that machine.” Or “ She is sweating like the pig that she is.” I hate that feeling. The feeling that I don’t belong there. Like I shouldn’t be on the swing set with the cool kids at school. That awkward feeling that makes us remember we are not like them.
I do have a point to this story: I am wondering, is it just me that doesn’t want to work out? Jennifer loves it and gets her “me” time. But what about the other over-sized people out there? What about the skinny people out there? Do the skinny people really like to work out? And if so, is it because they know they are doing something good for their body? Does it make them feel good or in control over themselves? Do they like the endorphin high and find it addicting? Is it a behavior they have always had and I didn’t learn? I want to know what the secret is. So if any of you out there are skinny exercisers, please fill me in!!
I know that this is something I have to overcome. I know that I need an ah-ha moment that caused me to start this weight-loss journey. But until I get it, I am glad I have Jennifer, Teresa, and Naomi to keep pushing me to do it. I have to make that decision at the end of the day to turn left.
So, today I am not going to say why I want to lose the weight. Instead, I am going to say what I want out of this moment. I want to say proudly that I am going to the gym. I want to not weigh my options and just do it (please insert Nike trademark here). I want to make myself feel like I belong there.